by Carter, TK
I took a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart then focused on the bumper of the car in front of me. I chased the thoughts of Tony’s car out of my mind and forced myself to think about my grocery list. I made a game out of coming up with something I needed at the grocery store that began with each letter of the alphabet a few months ago. You’d be amazed at how many bottles of wine you can slip into twenty-six letters.
Being single and successful has its advantages. I’m virtually debt-free, so I never have to worry about my cable being shut off or feel guilty for spending four-hundred dollars in a weekend on a shopping bender. I don’t tell Katie and Michelle about my indiscretions, because it’s been a sour subject with us in the past, so when I feel like blowing off steam, I call Alissa or Dani. I was beginning to feel the itch to do something drastic. Cutting my hair was out of the question since I’m the “face of KJAT” and I have great hair.
Why was Tony in Columbia? Was it really him? I turned up the radio to drown out the voices in my head, but every song on the radio reminded me of something we’d done together——a trip to the Arch in St. Louis, a weekend at the Lake of the Ozarks, a picnic at Shelter Gardens. Sometimes silence is my best friend.
I raced up the stairs to my door half-expecting to see a note from Tony, but there was nothing there. I sighed and threw my head back in disgust that I’d fallen for my own trick again. I entered the apartment, threw my purse and keys down, and attached Chubs’ leash to his collar. Back down the stairs and out to the doggie playground for his pottying pleasure.
I stood with my back to the pavilion this time.
Alissa’s music entered the parking lot before her car did. She screamed the lyrics to “Mr. Know-It-All” by Kelly Clarkson and pounded the steering wheel along with the beat. I laughed, collected my dog then headed down the path to meet her.
She stood next to her car and yelled, “Man, I love that song! There’s just no better song in the world.” She waved Chinese take-out in my face. “Oh, so you like fried rice?” in her best broken-English impersonation.
“Long time,” I answered and bowed. “Did you remember spring rolls?”
“It all sounded so good, I ordered a little bit of everything.”
“Great. I’ll be eating Chinese for a week.”
“I just hope the private guest likes Chinese. I’m really sick of puking.”
We walked up the stairs and into my apartment. I pulled a bar stool out for her and grabbed a few plates out of the cabinet.
“So, what happened on the deck with Dani?” she asked then bit into a spring roll.
I bit my lip. “This was very shocking to her, Lis.”
“Yeah, be me, Dani,” she mumbled.
“She’d love to be, Alissa.”
She shifted on the stool. “I feel like I’m in trouble now that you’ve busted out my full name.”
“No, not at all. But she’s pretty rocked, and the abortion talk sent her over the edge. I’m sure you can understand that.”
“You know, Michelle’s idea isn’t half bad.”
I choked on my rice. “Excuse me?”
She stared at me. “I mean it. I think it’s something to consider.”
I said, slowly, “Alissa, you really need to think about what you’re saying.”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense, Chance. Do you think it’s a coincidence that I got knocked up around the same time one of my best friends finds out she’s barren and her husband leaves her?” She flipped rice around on her plate and mumbled, “I don’t. I think the universe is making this right with Dani.”
I leaned over the counter. “Through your body? Come on, now. That’s pretty drastic.”
“Chance, I can’t keep the baby. I’m not mother material.”
“You just found out today that you’re pregnant! Don’t you think you should wait and see if the idea grows on you? What about Mark? Doesn’t he have a say in it?”
“Not today he doesn’t.”
“Subject change, please. What do you think is up with Michelle?”
Chapter Eleven
I Will Survive
Alissa
“I don’t know. What do you think is going on with Michelle?” I was determined to eat my Chinese meal without puking, but Chance’s twenty-questions made me nervous. I grabbed a glass of water and leaned over the sink to make sure I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in the kitchen.
Chance was talking, but I wasn’t listening. I was still transitioning out of our conversation about the private guest and trying to brainstorm through the worst possible scenarios involved with the decision I was about to make.
I stared at the folded dishtowel and put some puzzle pieces together. “I’ve got it!”
“Shit, you scared the hell out of me. What’d you get?”
I rushed to her and grabbed her arm. “I know how we can do this.”
“I’m all ears, Twinkie.”
“Twinkie? Oh, ‘cause I’m stuffed? You’re a jackass.” I laughed.
She shrugged. “Yeah, it just comes naturally to me. So what’s your big idea?”
My mind raced with the sheer perfection of it all. “We go to Florida.”
“What’s in Florida?”
“Anonymity, my good Twatson.”
“Oh now you’re clever?” She laughed.
“Now we’re even. I’ll need time to work out all the details, and we’ll all have to take a leave of absence from work, but . . .”
“Whoa, leave of absence? I can probably take a weeks’ vacation but not a leave. Why Florida, and why now?”
“We don’t have to go now, but when I start to show.” I grinned at her. “Chance, this will fix it all!” I paced in the kitchen and ran the plans through my head again.
“Good lord, your head has been spinning way more than I gave you credit for. Okay, let’s talk this out.”
Three hours later, we had formulated a complete plan. All we had to do was get Dani on board. Rather than call her and have her ignore us, Chance and I jumped in my car and went to her house.
I had to keep moving. I had to make this plan official so there was no opportunity to back out. If there’s one enduring thing about me, it’s that I’m loyal to my friends and my word.
Dani opened the door and frowned. “You guys, it’s like ten o’clock. What’s wrong?”
I grinned. “We need to talk.”
“I’m really not up for it right now, Lis,” she said as she walked to the couch and plopped down. She pulled a pillow over her lap and curled her feet under her.
Chance eyed the house and muttered, “Man, he was meticulous with the stuff he took.” She wandered into the living room and sat next to Dani. I couldn’t sit down, so I half-paced/half-swayed and tried to get my words to come out just right.
Dani said, “Maybe we should talk about this later. I’m really tired and –”
I blurted out, “I want to carry your baby.”
Dani’s face blanched. “Shouldn’t we go to dinner and a movie, first?”
I watched Chance roll off the couch laughing and looked at Dani as tears filled her eyes. “I’m serious, Dani. We all know I’m not cut out for motherhood, and you are. I could never have an abortion, and so that only leaves adoption. So, I’m asking if you will be my baby mama.”
Dani’s body erupted with sobs as she buried her head in the pillow. I looked at Chance who looked at me with raised eyebrows and a hopeful grin.
Dani whispered, “I’m going to be a mommy!”
I jumped up and down as I squealed, “Oh, Dani, you have saved me! I couldn’t do this without you.” I sat on the floor in front of her. “Now for the tricky part.”
“You mean there’s a door number two?”
“And three,” I winked.
She sighed and wiped her face. “I don’t know if I can take much more today. I . . . okay, let’s hear it.”
I took a deep breath. “You know I’m incredibly vain, and we need to use a lot of discretion a
bout this—”
“Legally, you have to tell him, Lis,” Dani said. “You should know that better than anyone.”
I waved her off. “I already have that planned out. I’m not talking about hiding the baby from Mark. I’m talking about everyone else.”
She frowned at me. “I’m not following.”
“I don’t want anyone to know I’m pregnant or that I’ve had a baby—after the fact, of course.”
“Well, how do you plan to hide that?” She laughed.
“I want to go to Florida when I start showing, and I want you and Chance to go with me.” I sucked in my breath and waited for her to object.
She looked at Chance who shrugged and pointed at me. “What’s in Florida?” Dani asked.
I looked at Chance. “What is it with that question?” I looked at Dani. “Anonymity. I can just be a pregnant woman in Florida. Around here, I’ll be the knocked-up single attorney and I can’t have that.”
Dani scowled and shook her head. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Just imagine, though! The three of us in Florida for months, sunning, shopping, napping on the coast . . . oh, it will be perfect!”
Dani looked at Chance. “Are you seriously considering this?”
Chance shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s extremely appealing, and I could certainly use a break from normal life.”
“But what about your job? What about the station?”
“That’s the tricky part. I don’t know if I’ll get approval to leave for however-many-months and still be able to come back when Alissa’s done calving.”
I snorted, “Oh that’s nice. Real pretty, Chance.”
She winked. “Aren’t you glad I did that story on livestock farmers a few weeks ago?”
I rolled my eyes and said to Dani, “You know money won’t be a problem. I’ll rent us a house on the coast. I’ll pay for everything, and you will be there with me to listen to me piss and moan about stretch marks and swollen ankles. But, you’ll have to rub my feet.” I winked.
“Oh, that might be a deal-breaker. I don’t do feet.” She laughed. “You’re dangling a mighty carrot in front of me, Alissa.”
“I want to do this for you. We’ve never done anything like this, so imagine the stories we’ll have to tell.”
“Yeah, but you won’t be drunk in any of them,” Chance pointed out.
I sat back on my heels. “Shit. That’s right. Okay, so scratch off all the drinking I’d envisioned. Will you do it? Will you go with me?”
Dani sniffled and sighed. “Of course I’ll do it. Are you crazy? Spending the winter in Florida with my best friends and coming home with a baby? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I just said that.” She burst into tears again and looked at Chance. “Is this really happening?”
Chance looked at me and shook her head. “This is the most selfless thing I could ever imagine anyone doing. Lis, you’re my new hero.”
“I’ve always been your hero. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”
Dani chuckled. “What about the other two? Are you going to ask them to come?”
“No, there’s no way they can bail on their families for that long, and I’m not spending months on end with Brandon Morehead.” I shivered.
“Here, here,” Chance said as she toasted an imaginary wine glass.
I looked at Chance. “What about you? Are you in?”
She nodded then laughed as she threw her head back on the couch. “I can’t believe I’m going to consider this. I can’t commit right now, but I’ll think about it. If I go, I have to take Chubs.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem. We can take my Navigator. It’s time to stretch her legs, anyway.”
Chance teased, “What, no private jet? I thought you liked to travel in style.”
“Actually, I thought about that but, I can’t imagine flying back with a newborn.”
Dani’s eyes twinkled as she whispered, “Newborn.”
I grinned at her. “A baby. Your baby!”
We stayed up way too late dreaming about our trip and making plans for the fun things we would do in Florida. Since I was the bank in the equation, they agreed I could pick what city we would call home and when we would leave. That would take some research and planning, so I made the decision that I would turn in my notice at work and get busy planning for the next nine months of my life.
I laid in bed that night thinking of how in less than a week my entire life changed. The ceiling fan turned in slow circles and I imagined the five blades as five generations repeating the same patterns repeatedly. Round and round it went never creating much of breeze but using a lot of energy to stay in motion.
That was my family.
By the time I was thirteen, my mother and I had moved five times in seven years to accommodate her five boyfriends who turned into three husbands, three babies, and three divorces. I was more like Mom’s friend than her daughter. After a breakup, she would say, “Gotta keep moving, baby!” She relied on me to help with the kids and housework and shared all of her joys and troubles with me when she was single, but the minute she hooked up with a man, I was the nanny and housekeeper. Raising three children at the age of thirteen left me no time to be a kid, and our constant relocation efforts gave me no opportunity to form friendships.
Our final move landed us in Columbia, Missouri, where I started high school and met the girls who would be my life’s blood as an adult. They’d been chattering in the locker room getting ready for P.E., I’d overheard Michelle yelling that she didn’t have socks. I’d watched her slam things around in her locker, digging through her bag for the fourth time, and Katie frantically searching through her things to help her out. Chance had been tying her shoes while Dani stood at the door announcing how much time was left before they’d have to run laps.
I’d grabbed an extra pair of clean socks out of my backpack and took them to Michelle. “Here you go. I always have extras.” I’d smiled and went back to my area to shove my overstuffed backpack into the half-sized locker that was perfect for sports’ uniforms but not for the bag I’d packed.
I had learned a long time before that day to be responsible for myself because there was no one else around to help me. When I had no socks for P.E. at my last school, the girls in that class made fun of me, talking about how grossed out they were that I’d worn my tennis shoes with no socks. I hadn’t had a choice, but from that moment on, I carried extra everything with me——I was always prepared lest humiliation take hold, and I couldn’t have that. Always be prepared, and stay moving——my life’s mottos.
Michelle had yanked on her laces and looked at me as I walked by. “Thanks. You’re a life saver.”
Later that day I’d been sitting at the lunch table reading the same milk carton I could recite from memory——the same milk carton served at every school I’d have ever attended, when Katie nudged my shoulder with her elbow. She’d readjusted her lunch tray and nodded toward the other three girls sitting a few tables away. “Wanna sit with us?” she’d asked.
I’d looked at the three smiling faces and grinned. “Sure.”
They’d chattered like squirrels through lunch and thankfully didn’t ask me questions I didn’t know how to answer. The following weekend, Chance had had a sleepover, and the bond was formed. I had friends. I finally had real friends. When I was with them, I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to make for supper, baths, or dirty diapers. I had a temporary reprieve from adult responsibility and learned how to belly laugh.
I loved my siblings and still do, don’t get me wrong. However, my life was lived backwards. I raised my siblings as children of my own since I was old enough to carry a baby from room to room. I couldn’t wait to go to college and leave it all behind. I never expected to feel as guilty or miss them as much as I did. I needed to embrace the freedom I’d waited so long to have. Mom couldn’t make it on her own financially, so I worked and sent the money to her until the kids grew up and left
the house. I’m not sure anyone has ever paid child support for their own siblings, but leave it to me to be the first.
From that moment on, I knew there were two things I never wanted to be again——a mother and broke.
Mom sold the house in Columbia shortly after I moved out, and the cycle continued. My sisters have fallen victim to the family curse. All of them have multiple children by different men and have bounced from man to man in search of that un-gettable get. They’re scattered across the U.S. and check in when the money runs out or when a new baby is born. Thank God my life turned out differently.
Chapter Twelve
Somebody That I Used to Know
Michelle
I stared at the frying hamburger meat and cursed the electric burner for not heating evenly. Half of the meat was trying to burn while the rest of it was barely cooking. Just like life—we’re all on the same burner, but some of us get done a lot faster than the rest.
I caught the tear that bounced off my sweaty cheek with my shoulder and wondered how many of the same days I’d have to live over and over again while waiting to have a life. Six days in a row I’ve tried to get to the gym to start my workout routine, and six times something has come up and prevented me from going.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, my best friends were planning a winter in Florida to hide the illegitimate child of one of the wealthiest woman in Columbia. Nice.
I scraped the nearly burnt burger off the bottom of the skillet and replaced it with half-cooked, mediocre, probably flavorless meat that never had a chance to be a decent addition to the meal, because it was probably married at nineteen with no hopes of a bright future. It was probably a delusional little cow led to slaughter by a sweet-talking, beer-drinking musician that promised a life of band sets on green pastures with thousands of other little cows crooning and worshipping them like gods. But one wrong turn, and you’re ground up burger that can’t even fry properly and bound to be mixed with lasagna-flavored dry seasoning and pasta in a one-skillet meal——the daily feast of a family of five.