A Little Bit of Déjà Vu

by Laurie Kellogg

  “No, I want to help you.”

  Glancing back at Emma locked in Alex’s embrace, Maggie sniped under her breath, “Why? So you can torture me some more?”

  “That wasn’t my plan. But now that you mention it, that sounds quite entertaining. Besides,” Jake winked at her and whispered, “it’s my experience you seem to like my brand of torture.”

  He cleared his throat loudly, and Alex and Emma jumped apart. “We thought, since you two have finals coming up and the arrangements have to be made for the wedding as soon as possible, maybe we should take care of booking a caterer and ordering the flowers for you.”

  Alex arched his eyebrows at Emma. “Is that okay with you, Angel?”

  “I guess so. My mom knows what I like. And after all, they’ll be paying for it. What about you?”

  “As long as we get married, I don’t care if we have peanut butter sandwiches and dandelions.”

  ~~~

  The moment Alex started the engine, Jake reached down and flipped off the car stereo so he would have his son’s complete attention. “I’d like to talk to you.”

  Alex shifted into reverse and backed out of the parking space. “About?”

  “Your mom.”

  Closing his eyes, Alex huffed and slammed the stick shift into first gear. “Not again.” The tires squealed as he let out the clutch. “I already told you I’d invite her.”

  “It’s not your relationship with her that I want to talk about. It’s mine.” If Jake had learned nothing else in his psychology classes it was his son needed to forgive his mother before he could hope to have a good relationship with other women. “You don’t know the whole story. Your mom had no choice but to leave us.”

  “Yeah, so you keep telling me.”

  “Well, it’s true, damn it. I was slowly driving her out of her mind. She was no good for you the way she was, and she knew it. I’m hoping maybe, now that you’re having a child of your own, you’ll be able to understand she left because she loved you.”

  Alex glared at him. “I thought we weren’t talking about my relationship with her.”

  “I’m not. I’m trying to make you understand that, if you’re going to blame anyone for your mom becoming an addict and leaving, it should be me.”

  “Come on, Dad. Lots of men do things that piss off their wives. Other women don’t get strung out over it.”

  Jake laid his hand on his son’s shoulder. “That’s what you don’t understand. It wasn’t just some annoying habit that drove your mom over the edge.”

  “No?” Alex cocked one eyebrow at him. “Then what?”

  Jake told him what had happened without mentioning who the woman was or the fact that he’d gotten her pregnant. “You’re a man now, Alex, so I’ll be blunt with you. This girl was like a wet-dream come to life for me.” There was something about Maggie’s sweetness that turned him on like no other woman ever had.

  “So why didn’t you just marry her, instead?”

  Jakes throat tightened. “She didn’t want me.”

  Alex did a double take. “Get out. She dumped you—the NFL’s first draft pick?”

  “I couldn’t believe it, either. I’d never been rejected before. At that point, I realized, even though I might not have been cloud-nine in-love with your mom, I did care a lot for her. So I went through with our wedding.”

  Jake turned in his seat to face Alex. “When your Uncle Chris teased me in college about talking in my sleep, I figured he meant occasionally.”

  “No.” Alex snorted. “You do it a lot. I hear you mumbling all the time at night.”

  “I don’t know if it was unresolved bitterness, a wounded ego, or what, but I had a lot of dreams about the woman and talked during them. Even though I loved your mom and tried like hell to be a good husband, she couldn’t handle knowing I wasn’t passionately in love with her.”

  “That’s it? She became an addict ‘cause you had the hots for some fantasy woman?”

  Jake heaved a deep sigh. “Alex, if Emma started having erotic dreams about some other guy she’d slept with and moaned his name in her sleep, how do you think you would handle it?”

  The muscles in his son’s throat visibly convulsed, and he simply nodded.

  “I kept this from you at the time because you were so young, but now you need to know your mom was so depressed, she tried to kill herself. The only way she could get better was to get away from me. If she hadn’t, she would’ve ended up dead.”

  Alex braked at a traffic signal and pressed his fingers to his eyelids and choked out, “But she didn’t need to get away from me.”

  Jake looked away from the pain on his son’s face. He probably should’ve waited until they got home, but he’d wanted Alex held captive so he’d be forced to listen to him. “You’re upset. Why don’t you let me drive?”

  “No.” Alex wiped his eyes and sniffed. “I’m, okay.”

  “Son, your mom couldn’t take care of herself, let alone you. She believed you were better off without her. By the time she cleaned up and was ready to be a mother again, you wanted no part of her.”

  “Do you blame me? She ignored me for three years.”

  “No, I don’t, and neither does she. Believe me, Alex, if I could’ve forced myself to feel more for your mom, I would’ve. Lord knows I tried.”

  “But you were in love with that girl.”

  “No, I was in lust with her.” Jake shrugged. “I’m not proud of any of this. I feel like a deviant telling my kid about my sexual fantasies. But I don’t see any other way to convince you to give your mom a chance.”

  Alex turned the Vantage into their driveway and pressed the remote for the garage door as he pulled in. “I promise I’ll try.”

  ~~~

  On the way home from their meeting at the White Glove caterers on Sunday afternoon, Margie stared out the passenger’s side window, treating Jake to a chilly silence. She’d had enough of him running roughshod over her. She should have called her friend Louise and asked her to go with her and left him completely out of this.

  By the time they arrived back at her condo, he was clearly fed up with her as well. “I’ve never met anyone with such vivid body language before,” he told her. “What the hell is your problem? You must have a whopping case of PMS.”

  Damn him. He’d hit the nail right on its head.

  “Isn’t that just like a man? Anytime a woman is annoyed, it’s got to be her hormones.” She jerked her head around to face him. “You want to know what my problem is? It’s you, Mister. Where do you get off telling the caterer to bill everything to your credit card?”

  “That’s what you’re upset over?”

  “Yes. What gives you the right to arbitrarily steal the privilege of paying for my daughter’s wedding?”

  “Ex-cuuse me.” He swung the SUV into a parking space in front of her unit. “I didn’t realize you considered it an honor to shell out for this shindig.”

  “Well, I do. Dan and I were married at the courthouse.” She’d always regretted not having a real ceremony with lots of flowers and beautiful dresses. “We always planned to give Emma the fairytale wedding we didn’t have.”

  “At sixty bucks a head for just the food, I’d say we’re doing that.”

  “No, you’re doing it.” She poked his chest. “Or trying to. What happened to the little hot dogs, chicken wings, and cold buffet we agreed to order?”

  Since Alex intended to invite the entire football team and their dates, they’d originally planned an informal reception with paper plates.

  “I was hoping to redeem myself a bit with Emma by giving her a fancy reception and a cocktail hour.”

  “During which, I might add, the majority of the guests will be limited to sparkling cider or punch.”

  The canopy to shield everyone from the sun and possible rain had cost over four hundred dollars alone—and that was without any table or chairs to go under it. If that wasn’t expensive enough, in lieu of the plastic and paper goods they’d
planned on, Jake had requested crystal and china tableware and opted for a chilled seafood bar as well as butler service to pass a large assortment of fancy hot and cold hors d’oeuvres. The cocktail hour was now to be followed by a gourmet buffet with a carving station.

  “And do you really think with all the food you ordered it’s necessary to have a Viennese table in addition to a three-tiered Black Forest wedding cake?”

  Jake tossed his hands up. “Okay, so I admit I got a little carried away. I didn’t eat lunch today, and the pictures of all those pastries made me hungry. Alex is my only child.”

  “Thank you. I needed to be reminded of that.”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to do that. I’m just saying I wanted to surprise the kids with a day they’ll remember.”

  “Exactly.” She jabbed his chest again. “You’re doing it all.”

  He grabbed her finger. “Stop poking me, damn it. That hurts.”

  Good. Too bad her fingernails weren’t longer.

  “Look, Maggie, I understand how tough it must be for you to have your daughter getting married without Dan, but—”

  “You have no idea what I’m feeling.” Every time she thought of her daughter walking down the aisle without her daddy beside her, a flood of angry tears welled in Margie’s eyes. And they had nothing to do with her menstrual cycle.

  “Look, most guests will be Alex’s and my family and friends. I feel like I should pay for a large part of the reception.”

  She continued to stare out the window.

  “Damn it, I’m talking to you. Don’t ignore me.”

  She turned and looked him straight in the eye. “When you say something that’s worth listening to, you pompous jerk, I won’t.”

  He sucked in his cheeks in amusement. “I see you’ve developed some gumption over the years. I suppose late is better than never. How about we compromise? You can pay for the flowers, the photographer, the DJ, and Emma’s dress.”

  “Fine.” She got out and slammed the car door.

  Jake lowered the passenger window and shouted, “When a woman uses the word fine it generally means it’s anything but fine.”

  She was simply sick of arguing. “Okay, you don’t like that word? How about the kids’ favorite one? Whatever.”

  “You know, frustration in the bedroom often causes a sour temperament,” he called, backing out of the space. “Call me if you’d like me to sweeten yours.”

  As his sexual innuendo dawned on her, she hollered after his car, “I’d jump in a snake pit first!” Or better yet, shove him in instead.

  ~~~

  As soon as Jake got home, he strode into his study and punched out Roxanne’s number on the phone. Ever since she’d left them, he’d called her every month or so to give her an update on how Alex was doing. When his ex-wife answered, he hesitated a moment. She sounded different. Actually happy.

  “Hello?” she said a second time.

  “Hi, Honey, how are you?”

  “Good,” she responded in a wary tone. “How’s Alex?”

  “He’s the reason I’m calling. I was hoping you’d be able to visit in two weeks.”

  “No.” Roxanne groaned. “I’ve told you before—I can’t take any more rejection.”

  He tapped a pen against his knee. “I know. But something’s happened that’s made him more receptive to talking to you.”

  “Oh? What’s that?”

  “Alex is in love. He needs to resolve things with you, Rox. I told him the details about our problems. I think he finally understands you stayed out of his life because you love him.”

  “Oh, Jake, please don’t get my hopes up. Does he really want to talk to me?”

  “I think so. But even if he doesn’t, he needs to. He’s getting married the Saturday after next. In fact, if you can come a few days earlier, you could see him graduate.”

  “Married? He’s only eighteen. Can’t you talk him out of— ” Roxanne gasped. “He got the girl pregnant, didn’t he?”

  “Yup. And I wouldn’t be surprised if his problem with you is why. The kid is starved for a woman’s love. He needs to set things right with you before he commits to a wife. Otherwise, he’ll just end up transferring his anger—”

  “Knock it off with the psychology crap. You don’t have to convince me. I’ll be there.”

  “Emma’s a sweetheart.” Or at least she used to be.

  “If you think she’s special, then I’m sure I will, too.”

  He gnawed on his lip and sighed. As soon as he introduced Roxanne to Maggie, she would undoubtedly guess, so he might as well be up front with her.

  “That’ll depend on whether you can forget who her mother—”

  “I know who she is, Jake. Chris told me who Alex has been dating.”

  “Chris? How the hell did he know? I just found out two days—”

  “How do you think Maggie ended up working in the same school district as you?”

  Jake slammed his hand down on the cherry desk. “That interfering son of a bitch!”

  “Don’t be mad. He meant well—despite how it turned out. It just proves history really does repeat itself.”

  “That twelve-step program has worked wonders if you can defend two people who’ve made your life miserable.”

  Roxanne sighed. “I’ve just made so many mistakes I have no right to condemn anyone else.”

  “Well, I hope you’re cutting yourself some slack, too, while you’re at it.”

  “I’d like to, but….” She fell silent for several moments as if she couldn’t find the right words. “Jake, I have a confession to make. I know it would be kinder to leave you in the dark, but I’m trying to get on with my life. For my own sanity I need to get this off my chest.”

  “Okay.”

  “I hope you can forgive me.” She inhaled audibly and spit out her words in a rush. “While-we-were-married, I-had-two-abortions.”

  His gut felt as if he’d been sucker punched.

  “I know how much you wanted more children.” She sobbed. “But I was taking so many drugs I was terrified what they would do to a fetus, and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to destroy another child’s life. And I have to admit a part of me wanted to punish you.”

  His chest shuddered as he squeezed his eyes shut to stem the tears brimming in his eyes. “I understand why you felt you had to do it,” he rasped. Women had no idea how helpless it made a guy feel to know he had no say over his unborn baby’s life. At least his ex-wife had had some justification for her abortions—unlike Margie who simply hadn’t wanted his baby.

  “I’m really sorry. Can you forgive me?”

  “I’ll try.” He grabbed a tissue from the box on his desk and wiped his eyes. “After what I put you through, I have no right to hold a grudge.”

  “Thank you.”

  “So how about Alex’s graduation that Wednesday? Can you make it?”

  “Not at this late notice. I have a major customer flying in that day. But I promise I’ll be there for the wedding.”

  “Come Friday night and stay in our guest room. We’ll all have dinner together. It’ll give you and Alex a chance to talk before the wedding.”

  “O-okay.” Her voice faltered. “So, have you and Maggie….you know?”

  “No. I’ve told you how ambivalent I feel toward her.”

  “And you don’t think years of dreaming about the woman means something?”

  Sure. It meant he was nuts.

  He rubbed his face. “I don’t deny wanting Maggie. But that’s all wrapped up in a ton of resentment. I have no idea how I feel about her, otherwise. For example, this afternoon I could’ve throttled her.”

  “I think there’s a lot more to your fixation than you think, Jake. What would you tell Gherkin if he told you he’d been lusting after the same woman for nineteen years?”

  He heaved a frustrated sigh. “Oh, hell, I’d most likely tell him to sleep with her and get her out of his system.”

  “And what if he wanted h
er even more afterward?”

  “I guess it would mean he probably loved her.”

  “Thanks.” Roxanne chuckled. “That’s just what I needed to hear.”

  ~~~

  Emma tossed her turkey sandwich down on her lunch tray, nauseated by the odor of greasy beef stew in the cafeteria. “How can they expect people to eat in here when the place smells like dog food?”

  “That sick look on your face tells me the rumor about you might be true,” Kristen mumbled, munching her potato chips.

  Greg Stenchler’s strawberry blonde girlfriend and Emma had been eating lunch together ever since they’d double-dated for the prom.

  “Yeah, it’s true.”

  “When Greg called last night and told me you and Alex were gettin’ married, I sort of figured it must be.”

  Emma held out her left hand. “Well, it’s official.”

  “Ohhh, Em!” Kristen squealed and squeezed her hand. “Your ring is beautiful.”

  Brandy plopped down across from her, clacking her chewing gum. “So, I guess you must’ve been absent the day Mr. M covered abstinence, huh, Emma?”

  Kristen glowered at her. “You’re a fine one to talk.”

  “Me?” Brandy pointed at her D-cup boobs, her eyes widening in feigned innocence. “I’ll have you know, I’m still a virgin.”

  “Yeah, right.” Kristen snorted. “You and Pamela Anderson. You may not have spread your legs for anyone, but you’ve had more dicks in your mouth this year than three porn queens put together.”

  “Hey, at least I’m not trappin’ some guy into marriage and ruining his life.”

  Emma glanced around the cafeteria. She refused to give Brandy the satisfaction of knowing she’d upset her. “I think I’ll go see what’s keeping Alex and Greg—”

  Just then, the guys strolled into the lunchroom. As Alex scanned the rows of tables, his gaze locked on Brandy and a look of terror flitted across his face. He raced across the room and slid into the chair next to Emma. “Get lost, Brandy, you’re in Greg’s seat.”

  “Really, Alex.” Brandy huffed. “You’re so inhospitable. I just stopped by to see Emma’s ring.”

  “And to insult her,” Kristen added.

  “So who’s gonna be your maid of honor?” Brandy asked, knowing full well Emma hadn’t lived in the area long enough to have a best friend.