She shook her head. Her eyes filled with tears again. “I’ve been avoiding facing the real deep-seated reason marriage scares me.”
“What is the real reason?” he asked. “I’m sure there’s nothing we can’t fix if we work together.”
“I wish it was that simple, Aidan. But I don’t think so. Actually, I didn’t realize it until now, but I think the reason I’m so terrified of marriage is that I’m afraid deep down that I will turn out to be just like my father.”
“Kate, I don’t know your dad, but I know you and you seem nothing like what you’ve told me of him.”
Granted, she didn’t talk about him much, but from what she’d said, Aidan could tell he was a louse.
“I don’t deserve you, Aidan.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks now, and he reached up and tried to swipe them away.
“I don’t know why you would think that,” he said. “Because it is not true. We are so good together.”
“Maybe I should say that you deserve better than what I have to offer you and Chloe.”
She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath as she brushed an imaginary piece of lint off her black pant leg. Finally she cleared her throat.
“You know that my father left my mother, sisters and me, right?”
“Yes. I remember you mentioning it. And later, your father tried to take the inn away from your mother. Or at least he tried to sue her for what he believed was the half he was entitled to—”
“He wasn’t entitled to anything,” Kate snapped.
Aidan reached out and took her hand. “I know that.”
He wanted to ask what that had to do with them or her turning out to be like her father, but by the grace of God, his better judgment kept him silent until she was ready to speak.
“When my father left us, it really did a number on me. You know how some girls are born daddy’s girls? I think that was me, but not in the traditional sense of daddy being the first guy I fall in love with and no guy ever measuring up to him. I’m afraid that I inherited his mutant gene—that selfish defect in his personality—that makes it impossible for me to commit to one person or stay in a situation for a prolonged period. I mean, I will commit to raising the baby. There’s no question about that. Between the two of us and the help we’ll get from my family, the baby will never want for anything. But I’m afraid that if I move in with you and Chloe, I’ll end up leaving and hurting the two of you in the end. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that’s what will happen.”
“Almost.” Aidan took care to keep his voice gentle, even though he really wanted to scream. Not at her, but at the situation.
“What?” she asked.
“You said you could almost guarantee that you would leave. That means the door isn’t completely closed. As long as there’s even a small margin of hope for us, I’m not giving up on you, Kate.”
She gave her head a quick shake.
“When my dad left and then, years later, tried to take the inn away from my mom and my sisters and me—I mean, he knew it was our birthright—it crushed me. He expected Gigi and my mom to sell this place that had been the only home my sisters and I had ever known. That was bad enough. But the worst part was after he lost the lawsuit, he just disappeared. My sisters and I haven’t heard from him since.
“Not only didn’t he want to be married to our mother, but he completely washed his hands of his daughters. But there’s more.
“In a really sick way, I can understand how making a clean break would be easier. It’s not that I excuse him for doing it, but it’s like I can step back and see how he could do it. The fact that I can relate to him on that level crushes me almost as much as him abandoning us. I’m afraid that I will pull the same thing and hurt you and Chloe the way he hurt me.”
“He’s already taken enough from you, Kate. Don’t let him screw with your head and make you afraid that you’ll do the same thing to someone you love. You’re better than that.”
“I wish I could be that resolute, Aidan. But I can’t.”
She gave her head another quick shake. Then she leaned forward and retreated into the position she’d been in before, resting her arms on her knees, then putting her forehead on her arms—a move that allowed her to escape into herself and not look Aidan in the eyes.
“Why not? What are you afraid of?” he asked.
“My father’s leaving us affected my sisters. It made them wary of being hurt the same way my mother was. But not me. It made me afraid of turning out just like him.”
“That’s why you’re still not sure, then? That’s why you can’t decide whether or not you’re staying?” Aidan raked his hand through his hair and tried to tell himself to quell the irritation crawling up the back of his throat. If he ever needed to dig deep and find his patience, this was the time. “I’m sorry it happened to you, but having been there, wouldn’t it be even more important to you to make sure you never let that kind of pain happen to your own child? I just don’t see how your way of thinking makes sense.”
“I care so much about Chloe and you. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt the two of you. But I have a lot of issues that I need to sort out. I hope I can do that before...before the baby...before I hurt you and Chloe.”
“Then don’t hurt us. Don’t leave us. Just stay and love us.”
She shook her head. “I wish it was as easy as just saying I will not do that, that I could make up my mind to not leave. I’m trying to be—”
“No. There’s no such thing as trying, Kate. You either stay or you go. And that is one hundred percent in your control. You’re either part of this family or you’re not. It is not a hard decision to do the right thing. Or at least it shouldn’t be.”
A tear slid down Kate’s cheek and he hated himself for making her cry, but it was slowly becoming clear that handling her with kid gloves was not the answer. Still, he reached out and brushed her tear away with the pad of his thumb.
“I need to work this out in my head,” she said.
“Do you know where your father is?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“I think we need to find him. Maybe you need to go see him. See if he’s happy with the decisions he made. Confront him and tell him what a crappy thing he did to you, your sisters and your mom. Because it was crappy. And I think if you can tell him that, you’ll realize you’re better than that, Kate.”
He wanted to use stronger language than that. He wanted to call Fred Clark a lot of words he wasn’t in the habit of using because he’d tempered his vocabulary in the interest of setting a good example for his daughter.
“Kate, he was a crappy father. Just like Chloe’s mother was a crappy mother. I know in my heart that you’re not like them. You’re so much better than that. If you were like them, you would not be here now. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to our baby to exorcise this demon so that you can get on with the life you deserve. I can ask my friend Randy Ponder, who owns a PI agency, to track him down, if you want. Randy employs private detectives who do that kind of thing. I’ll go with you to talk to him.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said. “I don’t know if I want to see my father. What am I supposed to say? Hey, thanks for ruining my life?”
Before Aidan could answer, Kate shook her head and buried her face in her hands again.
“Think about it,” Aidan said. “I know it is scary. I know it is a lot. You don’t have to decide right now. But I think confronting him is the only way you’re going to get past this thing that’s keeping you from enjoying your best life.”
Kate looked at him with a storm of emotion raging in her green eyes. But Aidan felt as if he might have gotten through to her.
“I do need to decide pretty soon,” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I need to figure out what I’m going to do so we can both get on with our liv
es. I owe it to you and Chloe and the baby. Thanks for not giving up on me, Aidan.”
Chapter Six
After a restless night spent tossing and turning, Kate called her sister Elle as soon as the hour was decent.
“Are you free?” she asked. “I know it’s last-minute, but I took the day off because I only had two clients scheduled and I was able to move them to later in the week. I need some sisterly advice.”
“Sure, Daniel is already at work. Patrice is handling the tours today. It is just Maggie and me at home this morning.”
Patrice Crowder was the college girl Elle had hired to help with the tours. She was a student at Savannah College of Art and Design, and she was talented enough that Elle even trusted her to take over some of the art classes they now offered at the inn, giving Elle the ability to balance work and motherhood.
“Is everything okay?” Elle asked.
Kate was silent. She didn’t want to alarm Elle by saying no, but technically, things weren’t okay. Everything was upside down. But she certainly didn’t want to tell her sister her monumental news over the phone.
“It is not a matter of life or death,” Kate said. “So, no need to worry, but I do need to talk to you.”
“Okay. Good. Come over and I’ll fix us an early lunch,” Elle offered. “Or a late breakfast. Have you eaten?”
“I haven’t and I’m starving.” Technically, that wasn’t the entire truth. At the moment, the thought of food repulsed her, but based on how things had been going since the morning sickness first started, it was likely that she would be ravenous by the time she got to Elle’s house.
Elle answered the door with baby Maggie in her arms. “Say hello to your auntie Kate, Maggie.” The tiny girl took one look at Kate and burst into tears, her adorable, cherubic, chubby-cheeked face turning puce.
Wonderful.
If this wasn’t proof that she was not qualified for motherhood, Kate didn’t know what else the universe needed to show her. Wasn’t there some sort of maternal standard women had to meet before they could bring a child into this world? If not, there should be. And Kate knew she certainly would not pass the test, if there was one.
Even her own niece had taken one look at her and cried foul.
I know, little baby. I get it. I want to cry, too.
“Don’t take it personally, Kate,” Elle said, bouncing little Maggie on her hip. “She’s overtired. Let me put her down for a nap and we can talk. Go on into the kitchen and make yourself at home.”
Elle closed the front door and headed down the hallway toward the baby’s nursery. “I’ll be right back,” she said over her shoulder. “Okay. But what makes you think I took Maggie’s crying personally? She loves her auntie Kate.”
Maybe if she said it out loud she’d start believing it.
“Yeah, well, sorry, the look on your face gave you away.”
So she was that obvious. She had never had a good poker face. Her mom had always sworn that she could read everything Kate was thinking simply by looking at her face. What in the world was she going to do between now and the time she and Aidan broke the news to the family?
Maybe she should hide out. Or take an extended vacation. Yeah, and look at where her Vegas vacation had gotten her. No, she and Aidan would be much better off not waiting and just telling everyone as soon as possible. The sooner the better. That way they could get used to their new reality.
She took a seat at the kitchen table in Elle’s cheery kitchen. Her sister and Daniel had recently remodeled it to look like a Tuscan farmhouse kitchen.
From the white farmhouse sink to the marble countertops, travertine tile and wood floors, it really was a show place.
Daniel had built a large fireplace in the room—the opening was at least six feet by six feet—along one wall. There was a built-in pizza oven on the left side of it.
The centerpiece was a top-of-the-line eight-burner gas range, which Jane and Liam coveted. Every time they set foot in Elle’s kitchen, Jane bemoaned the fact that she didn’t have an appliance as impressive, even though she was the cook in the family. Elle always said that she and Liam were welcome to come over and cook in her kitchen every day if she wanted to make dinner for her and Daniel.
Of course, Jane and Liam spent most of their time at their restaurants and the tearoom, but still, it was a dream kitchen. Custom features like that were one of the many perks of being married to a builder.
And since Aidan was not only Daniel’s brother but also his business partner, Kate, too, could have—Reality suddenly reared up in her in the face, giving her a start. Aidan was not just her brother-in-law’s business partner, Aidan was her husband.
All of this—husband, family and a life of security and happiness—was hers to lose. Why was she so eager to throw it all away, ensuring that her worst fears came true, that the worst possible version of herself, the one with all of the qualities of her father, defined her after all?
Elle returned five minutes later. “She fell asleep the minute her little head hit the pillow. She was so tired.”
Trying to get her mind off herself, Kate marveled at Elle’s special way with children. She really was the kid whisperer. It was as if she had some kind of magic touch with the under-thirteen set, which, of course, was what had made her such an excellent teacher back in the day, when she used to teach elementary school art in Atlanta.
“I was thinking of making grilled cheese and tomato basil soup for lunch,” Elle said. “Does that sound good? Of course, the soup is from a can. I’m not Jane, after all, but it is a good brand.”
Elle held up the soup can with the blue label.
“Sounds delicious.” Right on schedule, Kate was suddenly ravenous. She couldn’t think of anything that sounded better.
“How can I help?” Kate asked.
“You can start talking and tell me what’s on your mind.”
Kate glanced around the kitchen as if someone might be hiding and secretly listening. Of course, no one was home, but she still weighed her words.
“Is marriage hard?” she asked her sister.
Elle set a block of cheddar cheese and a butter dish on the cutting board she had placed in the middle of the kitchen island. Cheese slicer in hand, she looked at Kate thoughtfully.
“It depends on what you mean by hard. I mean, it is not always easy. It is not all hearts and fireworks, and honestly, sometimes it gets pretty darn difficult, but at the end of the day, there’s no place else I’d rather be, anything else I’d rather be doing or anyone else I’d rather be doing it with. I’ve never enjoyed working this hard for anything in my entire life. So the short answer is, yes, it is hard. But it is more than worth it. It’s everything.”
As Elle buttered the bread for the grilled cheese sandwiches, she had a dreamy, faraway look in her eyes and a smitten smile on her face.
That’s what I want. That, right there.
And that was what Aidan deserved. He deserved someone who got all warm and fuzzy and dreamy when she thought about him.
Was Aidan the love of her life? Had she been so busy pushing him away that she couldn’t even see the good that was right in front of her? Maybe she needed to start rethinking things.
Now, especially with the baby on the way, it wasn’t just about her. Not anymore.
“Well, I’d say that’s a pretty good endorsement of marriage.” Kate hated the way her voice shook.
Elle snapped out of her reverie and pinned Kate with a hopeful look. “Are you and Aidan—”
“Are Aidan and I what?” Kate snapped before Elle could finish.
Elle shook her head. “For a moment, I thought that maybe you had some news you wanted to share.”
Why couldn’t she just say it? It was the reason she had come over here this morning. To talk to someone compassionate who would not judge her or get overly celebratory before it was t
ime.
Would there ever be a time when they could celebrate?
Elle walked over to the stove and started grilling the sandwiches.
“Aidan and I got married when we were in Vegas.” The words poured out. She couldn’t stop them.
The spatula fell from Elle’s hand and clattered against the skillet. She didn’t bother to pick it up. Instead, she turned to face Kate.
“You did what?”
“You heard me. Aidan and I are married.”
Elle stood there rooted to the spot for a moment before she ran over and flung her arms around her sister. “That’s wonderful! Congratulations!”
When she pulled away and looked at Kate, Elle’s face fell. “Why is it not wonderful? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m an idiot. Or maybe it’s just my hormones, because I’m pregnant, too.”
Elle gasped and hugged her again. “Oh, Kate. It is wonderful. Really, it is. A baby. You’re going to be a mother. I’m going to be an aunt. Maggie and your baby will be so close in age, they’ll be best friends. This is so exciting.”
“Is it?”
Elle nodded.
“Good. Keep telling me that because I’m not so sure.”
Elle’s eyes narrowed. “How does Aidan feel about it?”
“He couldn’t be happier.” Kate squeezed her eyes shut, knowing she needed to tell her sister the whole story. So she did, starting with the marriage she didn’t remember in Vegas and how they had looked into an annulment, ending with how she had gone to the doctor to find out what was wrong with her only to discover that she was pregnant.
“Dr. Moore said that my blackout was likely an alcohol allergy exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. I only had two sips of that awful Love Potion Number Nine. I wasn’t drunk.”
“It was pretty awful, wasn’t it?” Elle agreed. “Or maybe it was just divine intervention to keep you from drinking too much since you’re pregnant. Oh, Kate, I think you and Aidan are made for each other. I’ve always thought so.”
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