by Tom Cheshire
“Oh, I’m… sorry?” Dom’s intonation went up an octave. Me and Travis blinked.
“I just really needed to… Shit! Why do you have that?” Dom pointed right at me. For a horrible moment I thought he’d spotted the cigarette, but then I realised that I’d already instinctively dabbed it out and stuffed it into my pocket - it was the lighter Dom had noticed. I was still holding it out at arm’s length. My stomach dropped as I realised what Dom thought I was doing.
“Joe. Get away from Travis, now.” Dom said, seriously.
“This isn’t what it looks like, Dom,” I breathed.
“Drop the lighter!” Dom yelled.
“I wasn’t…”
“Drop it!”
I raised both of my arms in surrender and the lighter fell to the floor with a clank. Nothing I could have said would have made any difference at this point. Travis had gone silent again, the two-faced…
“For god’s sake, Joe,” Dom picked up the lighter and pulled me out into the hallway. “We can’t leave you out of our sight for more than a few minutes can we…” I stared at the ground despondently.
“Look,” Dom paused as if he were about to reason with me. “I know you want to know the truth about Travis, Joe. But threatening him isn’t the solution, okay, it just isn’t.” I didn’t have the strength to admit to Dom that Travis had just willingly told me the truth about himself anyway.
Emma came over.
“What’s going on here?” she asked.
“Joe was threatening Travis with this,” Dom replied, rattling the lighter about in his hand.
“What the hell?”
“We can’t let him walk around like this any more,” Dom sighed.
“He’s gonna get someone hurt,” Emma said. As if I wasn’t standing there listening to every word the two of them were saying.
“I’m sorry Joe, I’m gonna… I’m gonna have to restrain you,” Dom dropped the lighter again, grabbed my arms forcefully and started to drag me down the corridor. I didn’t know what he was planning to do, tie me to a pipe or something, but he didn’t get very far.
“Wait!” Travis called. He stepped out of the bathroom. “Let him go. It’s okay.”
Dom looked dumbfounded. “No, Travis. It’s not okay. You could have gotten hurt or -”
“He wasn’t threatening me,” Travis replied. “I gave him the lighter. I was showing him how it worked, that’s all.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Dom. Let him go.” Travis had conviction in his eyes.
Dom frustratedly turned from Travis, to Emma, to me. “Well, why didn’t you say anything, Joe?” he growled.
“I tried…” I said, softly.
“Hardly,” Dom scoffed.
“Because I knew you’d never believe me,” I replied. Dom sighed loudly and finally let go of me. He stood up, seemingly remembering what his business was a few moments ago and heading towards the bathroom.
“Excuse me,” he said, awkwardly brushing past Travis. The door closed and I heard the latch slide across, which as established meant the door probably wasn’t actually locked.
“I think we should try fixing that lock,” I said, trying to break the ice. “I mean, we could always, just, like… get one of those metal poles from the corridor and jam that behind the door, that’d work as a lock, right?”
Travis walked away.
“Well, never mind, just an idea, that’s all…” I mumbled.
Emma reached out with her hand. For a moment I thought she was offering to pull me up from the ground, so I reached out as well. Instead, she picked up the lighter. I should have known better by this point.
“I’ll take this, thank you very much,” she said. I sat there for a few moments, hand outstretched, a thousand swear words at the tip of my tongue. My hand became a clenched fist, and the swear words fizzled out into a pathetic frustrated groan. Nope, keep it cool... I stood up despondently.
Chloe was lying down in the common room. She’d amusingly got three of the Travis-chairs lined up so that they essentially resembled a wonkier version of the sofa, and had decided to lay across them face-down for a bit of shut-eye.
“Comfy?” I asked, sarcastically.
“No.”
She seemed exhausted. I think she’d been looking for the cigarette for the past few hours. A few seconds later she tried to roll over but ended up kicking over one of the chairs in the process and almost hitting her head on the ground.
“I’m fine,” she said, body half-dangling from another chair that had just fallen sideways.
“Are you?”
“Just gimme a sec.” She shuffled around for the next 30 seconds trying to sit upright, finally managing it after untangling her leg and sending another chair flying across the room. She sighed.
“What is it, Joe?”
“Nothing, I…” I felt the cigarette in my pocket and caught Travis’ eye from across the room. “I just want to apologise for earlier, for acting like I don’t need that cure, I mean…”
“What was that stuff that happened with Dom just now?” Chloe asked.
“Oh that… that was just a misunderstanding,” I said, downplaying things.
“A misunderstanding, huh,” Chloe yawned.
“I wish it wasn’t like this,” I vented. “It feels like everything I do is misunderstood, like I’m always one step away from you guys turning completely against me, abandoning me.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that, Joe.” Chloe said.
“Yes, it does,” I replied. “There’s only three spaces available on that escape pod thing, I get it.”
“Get what?”
“You guys need scapegoats. You need people to stay behind. I guess I’ve gone and volunteered myself again. I get it.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that…”
“Why?”
“Because we care about you, Joe.” Chloe’s voice quavered. “We do… We all do, even Dom, though he doesn’t like to admit it. Why do you think we’re so bothered about finding that cure for you?”
I was silent. The cure… The cure that was in my pocket right now. All I had to do was find out where Emma had taken the lighter…
Chloe kept talking. “You keep scaring us, you know that. But… you did save us, after all. You found those backups and if it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t even know about the escape pod.”
“Thank you.” I said.
“No, Joe. Thank you.”
I walked over to Chloe and gave her a hug. Finally I felt some kind of friendly warmth from someone. It wasn’t much, but to me it meant the world. Perhaps I still had the time to redeem myself.
As everyone retreated to their bedrooms, I found it difficult to get to sleep. There was too much going on in my mind. Those revelations Travis had given me all added up but it was difficult to accept that… that man could be my son. Or Dom’s. Chloe or Emma… one of them was the mother. These people who were still strangers to me in the present had enjoyed a whole other life together in the past, a life I had been a part of and was apparently somehow responsible for ending. And now what was happening? I was becoming dangerous again? Was history going to repeat itself as Travis had suggested?
I had the cigarette… All I had to do was get the lighter from Emma and I’d be able to give them all the peace of mind that yes, I was fine. I would no longer be walking on eggshells. I would have the chance to get out of this mental prison.
What was the problem? I looked out of the window from the common room. I couldn’t see the asteroid. Real or not, I knew I’d have to keep it to myself. I would just have to pretend it wasn’t there. I would be the Joe they all wanted me to be. Not the rambling lunatic I’d been portrayed as. Yes. Fuck you, asteroid. Fuck you, X.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Joe.” Bob had decided to slowly and with great indignity hop his way into my room.
“Go away, Bob. I’m asleep.” I said.
“I detect that is probably a lie, Mr. Joe.” Bob declared.
�
��What do you want?”
“Another transcript for you!”
“Another one?”
“Correct! I will send it to you as you requested. Good night!”
“You know I can’t read them, but whatever, Bob. Good night.”
// 842195 Decryptions in Progress...
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for Lines=1 to (X)
MergeState_2122(70)4// DedupeUnwantedLines
_Disp{BrdCms_PK02}
// Rendering
// Broadcast Communications Transcript 212.2.F4
AS >> Hello?
CO <<
AS >> Uh, are you there, central?
CO <<
AS >> I just want someone to talk to...
CO << (Unintelligible)
AS >> Sorry?
CO << (Unintelligible) got to get (Unintelligible) sign… code.
AS >> Ah, jeez, you’re breaking up. Hang on, a minute, the damn baby’s crawling around on the transmitter again, just a sec.
CO << (Unintelligible)
AS >> Sorry about that, what were you saying?
CO << The signcode, come on…
AS >> Oh yeah, about that…
CO << Don’t tell me you lost it again.
AS >> I lost it again.
CO << Why am I not surprised? Look, it’s not just a formality thing, you know. That code contains the exact coordinates of Earth. It’s not something you want to leave lying around.
AS >> Okay but it legitimately isn’t my fault this time. Do you know what it’s like having a baby on board a spaceship?
CO << No, I don’t. Because it’s illegal.
AS >> And now I know why. I swear, it can’t be good for the poor tyke. I wouldn’t be surprised if he grows up to be a right little psychopath.
CO << Hey, that’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
AS >> Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s just… you have no idea how frustrating it is up here. We’re having to fashion nappies out of toilet rolls and towels. I’m on clean-up duties. Sometimes wish I could just jettison the makeshift nappies out the airlock, it just ain’t hygienic having to clean ‘em and reuse ‘em all the time.
CO << Ew… On the bright side hopefully you’ll wind up teaching him how to make, uh, economical use of resources. Alright… How are things, otherwise?
AS >> Other than being woken up by endless wailing and having to crawl around on my hands and feet all day long trying to keep the kid entertained and out of danger? What do you mean, otherwise?
CO << Aren’t the parents taking care of all that?
AS >> ‘The parents.’ Ha. No naming and shaming on here…
CO << Well, aren’t they?
AS >> Of course they are, but I mean, there’s no escaping baby-land. Think of the square meterage we’ve got. You can do a lap of the whole ship in about 30 seconds.
CO << Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I did try to push for the larger living quarters. Still, how exactly do you keep the kid out of danger? Not exactly a kid-friendly place is it – even with the retro design?
AS >> Keeping him out of the airlock control room is the main priority, I think. We can’t have the silly kid climbing into the decompression chamber and blasting off all by himself.
CO << Isn’t there a plan to make sure that doesn’t happen? I mean he was crawling all over your transmitter a minute ago…
AS >> Well, don’t worry, we’ll make damn sure he doesn’t ever climb through to the airlock room in the first place. The access hatch is half-way up the wall so he can’t reach it. Just have to whip out the old pyscho-disciplinary doodads for when he gets taller, I’m sure we’ll manage.
CO << I’m sorry. How long has it been?
AS >> Since the birth? Oh, I dunno, jeez, probably about 3 months. Just over a year since we first set off, and my god am I bored of space.
CO << You’ll stick it out, I know you will.
AS >> Haven’t really got much of a choice, have I. Just wish I could see my wife and son again, frankly, are they there right now?
CO << No, I’m sorry. We haven’t been able to authorize any more family meetings.
AS >> Why not?
CO << My boss thinks you’re a lost cause. That talk of a rescue team has subsided, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to come back the long way.
AS >> Swinging back around Saturn? Jeez, with the burnout we’ve suffered that’s gonna take at least, what, three, four years? I’d rather take the ole’ luxo-exo for a spin.
CO << Yeah, don’t think things are quite that desperate yet, plus the mission isn’t even complete. You know the protocol right?
AS >> Not that desperate? Are you having a laugh? We could have died a couple weeks back!
CO << What do you mean?
AS >> You didn’t get the memo? Had a close call from a rogue Kuiper object.
CO << Oh?
AS >> Yeah, it’s true. Giant-ass rock, came outta nowhere, scraped the edge of the ship, almost took out the kitchen in the process.
CO << Wow, an asteroid? I had no idea. On the bright side, at least you’re still all here.
AS >> Kinda wish it had been a bit more dramatic, to be honest. The first collision a ship has had with an extraterrestrial object in decades and I totally slept through it.
CO << Have you had a chance to assess the damage?
AS >> Oh, the ship is fine, obviously. All systems seem to be green, I doubt any foreign particles got lodged anywhere, so we’re all good.
CO << Well I should hope so, especially with a newborn on board.
AS >> Yeah, definitely. Um… Oh dear, sorry, I’m gonna have to go. The little bugger is trying to swallow up the intelbot.
CO << Uh-oh! Choking hazard!
AS >> Tell me about it. That’s the fifth time this has happened. Hey, put it down! Bad baby!
CO << Well, now you’ve just made him cry. Any other tricks up your sleeve?
AS >> No, I think I’ll leave that to the parents. I’m tired, I think I’m gonna go grab a coffee and call it a day.
CO << Right-o. Take care.
< Central office signing out >
// End Transcript
17
The following morning, instead of getting up, I laid in my room for a few hours, listening to the whirring sounds of the ship, focusing on every little detail. I was tired, but today was going to be the day, I decided. I was going to take control, I wasn’t going to talk to X any more. I would be in control of my senses.
Emma and Bob were talking. I closed my eyes and focused on the conversation.
“And what about you, Bob? What will you do when we go off in the escape pod?” Emma asked.
“Oh, I will stay here, of course,” Bob said, excitedly.
“Stay? But there’s bound to be room for you in the pod with us. You’re tiny.” Emma said.
“Why would I want to go with you, Miss Emma?” Bob asked.
“You could go back to Earth, back where you were made. Wouldn’t that be what you want?”
“To live in a technological museum or to be dissected by the descendants of my creators?” Bob mused. “I think not, Miss Emma. Staying here would be much more exciting.”
“I’m not sure exciting is the right word, Bob…”
“On the contrary! I find it tremendously exciting to be in such a deeply uncharted region of the universe. It is all I could ever ask for…”
“Why? What will you do, exactly?”
“I will wait,” Bob declared. “I will continue to wait as the ship continues on its linear trajectory into the unknown. I am most lucky that the resources utilised on this ship and in my very construction are self-renewing by design.”
“Won’t that get boring?”
“I do not find perpetual existence boring, Miss Emma. One day I may stumble upon an advanced alien civilisation and discover fascinating truths about the universe!”
“I thought you said there was virtually no chance of that happening…”
“For a mortal being,
perhaps…” Bob paused. “However, by the sheer definition of my functionally infinite lifespan, it is likely that in the next few trillion years I myself will experience many of the hypothetical wonders of the universe!”
“Like what?”
“The Big Crunch.”
“What’s that?”
“One of the theorized scenarios for the end of the universe involving the ultimate singular collapse of the entirety of space and everything in it.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I know, right?”
“You really think you’d last long enough to see that, Bob?”
“Well, one would hope so. I suppose that plan could always fail in the meantime if the ship came into contact with a rogue object like an asteroid or…”
I’d heard enough. The mere mention of the word ‘asteroid’ was enough to make me sit bolt upright and walk away. The last thing I needed was something to remind me of that…
I stumbled across to the kitchen and sat down. It was too early for breakfast - the purple flakes weren’t ready yet, but I sat down anyway. I rubbed my forehead slowly and looked around. There wasn’t much here, but the kitchen knife was resting ominously on the table. I picked it up and examined the blade carefully. It was sharp, certainly something that could be brandished as a weapon and definitely not the sort of object I could imagine the others would have wanted me near. But screw that! I jabbed the knife into the table. This was the day that I was going to make a point, to prove that I wasn’t dangerous. I just had to get the lighter from Emma and figure out when the best time was to smoke that cure…
I continued to play around with the knife. Before long I somehow found myself placing my left hand on the table and started playing the five-finger knife game, stabbing the knife into the gaps between my fingers. It was surprisingly easy, I thought. I was doing it pretty slowly to be fair, yet the adrenaline rush was still there.
This was brilliant. I increased my speed, stabbing between my fingers, feeling the tiny draught of air each time I raised the knife before jamming it down millimetres away from my flesh. I didn’t know why I was doing this, but it felt good. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Back and forth. Faster and faster. I was in control of my senses. It was all going to…