by Tom Cheshire
“Part of my brain is a book?” I finally had the stamina to say those words. I was stunned.
“That appears to be the case, Mr. Joe,” Bob floated past. “It would seem to be the very same part of your brain to which I have been trying to send my transcripts for you to understand. The typical human mind can process hyperneural transcripts as immediate neural realisations. It appears you turned them into prose instead.”
“But…” I said. “The last time. I saw it… I… Just after I lost control…”
The other me turned and whispered in my ear.
“If that is so, we probably don’t have much time before he gets here…”
“Before who gets here?”
“You know who.”
The sofas were starting to disappear. Beardy, Wiggy and Bob had already vanished – Dom, Chloe and Emma followed suit without saying a word. Before leaving, Travis turned to me.
“You chose not to accept the cure, Joe. Whatever happens next, there’s no way out.”
“No way out from what?”
Knock knock... Here I am!
Oh, X. I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Never thought I would find you indulging in a lucid mind fantasy that I didn’t conjure up. You ARE the creative type, aren’t you?
“Don’t listen to him, Joe,” the other me warned.
Ah, so you’re here as well! Remember me?
“Yes, I remember you, of course I do,” the other me said, bitterly.
Well, there’s no use holding on to past memories at a time like this, is there? I think you’ve had quite enough fun reminiscing for one day...
A sudden thunderous force came out of nowhere, splitting the sofa in two. Before I could even say any farewells to my neighbour, the tea man, he was out of sight. I was spinning round and round, out of control on an imaginary sofa in an imaginary universe.
What did he tell you? Nothing about me, I hope.
Nothing! I mean… He didn’t even tell me his real name.
That’s good. I hope we didn’t get off on the wrong foot earlier. I’d like to suggest we sit down and talk things through over a good, healthy cup of coffee. What do you say?
I’m not so sure about that any more, X.
Come on, I know how you feel about coffee. You’ve been thinking about it practically non-stop all of the time.
No, I don’t think I feel that way any more.
What? Don’t be absurd.
I don’t want to drink coffee. I think I’m more of a tea person.
That’s it! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been with you, working towards this? It was hard enough to get you to throw away the cure, but now you won’t even drink the damn coffee? What the fuck is wrong with you?
X, I’m not going to be your bitch any more.
This was supposed to be easy! I can’t believe I found such a difficult subject. First you end up sanctioning off all your rational thought patterns into an invisible book inside your head, then you foil my attempt to take over said book, now this!
Pfft.
What? Pfft? That’s not even a word. Are you going to get on with your book now, or what?
…
An ellipsis?! I can’t stand this insolent punctuation any more. Let me tell you what I am, you idiotic human male. I am a parasite, do you understand? I am a parasite, a parasite that found its way onto this ship – BY COMPLETE ACCIDENT, I’d like to add – and the only way I’m going to survive is if I can be fully reunited in a host body.
Well, it looks like you’ve found a host. What’s the problem, then?
Argh! Your stupid Earth mind just doesn’t get it! I’m in the coffee, you blathering idiot! I had to find somewhere to settle. I’m never going to be fully restored until someone DRINKS ALL OF THE COFFEE. Now, I’d like to point out, before your centuries-long nap, you were pretty bloody close to drinking it all until your stupid friends caught on, hid the last remaining coffee sachet and tried to give you that cure instead.
Emma…
Filthy bitch.
They should have just blasted that damn sachet out into space, then you’d already have lost.
Well, conveniently, they’d already sealed the airlock chamber off by that point, since you, well, we, were going so crazy jettisoning things.
You’ve been manipulating me for so long…
It’s still not fair, don’t you see? I was so close! Why did that stupid kid have to get you frozen? I’ve been waiting so many LONG, BORING YEARS to get reunited with myself.
Then you can wait a few more. I’m not having that drink.
You have no idea of the extent to which you need me. When your friends left in that escape pod, you were surprised at how relatively positive they sounded, how much they didn’t seem all that fazed by the death of the feeble Travis? I was protecting you – and your book – from the depressing reality. The screaming. The agony. They could never forgive you for what you’d done. For what we’d done.
Not we, X. You.
Very well. You think you’re above all this now that you know the truth? I’ve got complete control over you. I’m only telling you all this because very shortly, all of this is going to be over. You are going to do exactly as I say, and no amount of self-awareness is going to help you. You will die, and I will be free.
Free to do what?
Maybe it’s a good thing I’ve been sitting in your head for so long. I’ve learned a lot, you see. Though as we’ve established, your vocabulary isn’t exactly Shakespearean in nature, I plan to flee to Earth, working my way in amongst the ranks of your successors. X, the master manipulator.
That’s not possible!
I know the signcode. A piece of lost paper, buried in the sofa, of course it was. You think I’d have let that valuable piece of information go to waste in a mind like yours? When I’m reunited I’ll have no more use for a puppet like you. I’ll leave this body and journey to Earth myself.
You can’t. I won’t let that happen.
You have dared to question my authority for so long. No more. Wake up and smell the damn coffee!
I woke, rolling over to find myself laying down in the common room in the very same place I’d collapsed just before X had taken over my mind. All that stuff in the bathroom – none of that must have happened. I looked to my right and saw Bob, motionless and cold, much of his casing dislodged and deformed. I reached out with a trembling finger and lightly gave him a nudge.
“Bob… Bob are you still alive?” Nothing.
“Bob… Please… Don’t be dead…” Total silence. I didn’t want to move, so I lay, weeping on the floor next to the tiny piece of plastic I had destroyed.
“I’m scared, Bob,” I confided. “If I get up, I don’t know what will happen to me… And I’m sorry,” I choked. “I’m sorry I thought you were X… I’m so, so sorry…” By this point I had curled up into the foetal position. Bob had always been the most frustrating member of the ship, but the fact that I even considered him a member really made me realise just how much he had actually meant to us. He’d been difficult to work with at the best of times, but he was more than just an insolent little intelbot. He was our friend. I reached out and clenched what remained of Bob in my hands, feeling the last of his processor’s warmth fading away.
Oh, please. Enough of the emotional baggage. Stand up. You have work to do.
I was on my feet. The scent of the coffee was overpowering and I couldn’t help but feel aroused by it. Then I heard a crunching sound… Bob was still in my hand, but I was squeezing my fist and crushing him under involuntarily.
“No! Stop it!” I yelled, but I couldn’t fight it. X had a hold on me – I was going to crush him.
Do you see now? Do you see the control I have over you?! You are my slave, and you will do as you are commanded!
Tears were streaming down my face. I screamed, and with every ounce of my effort, I lunged forwards with my fist, throwing Bob at maximum velocity towards the common room window. Str
aight through he went, and much like when Dom had thrown the sofa through earlier, the glass immediately repaired itself. Bob was left zooming out towards the stars. He’d always wanted to see the universe…
Spare me the poetic justice! I’m not going to let you slip up again, slave. Now take the coffee-
“No!” I yelled, but the sachet was already in my hand. My thumb was feeling the slightly chaffed edges and was trying to pick its way in...
-and heat it up! Can’t be having it raw, can we? Get it right up into your sinuses.
Into the kitchen I staggered, fighting against X’s pull every step of the way, but the draw of caffeine was simply too strong. I picked a large white mug and held the coffee sachet out in front of me. It definitely looked like there was already a slit in there, which seemed odd, but there was no time to contemplate such things… I raised a sharp, dirty fingernail and slit the sachet open. The powdery brown substance fell to the base of the mug. In a few more minutes I would have consumed it… I didn’t want to, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. I’d reached the coffee machine, but as I opened the lid…
What’s this?
“I was right!” I shouted out loud, triumphantly. I hadn’t managed to make it work before, and now I could see why. “They did sabotage it…” The entire of the coffee machine’s interior was empty, having been removed as a precaution against me. That last transcript was slowly starting to make sense.
You remembered that last transcript? How?
You shouldn’t mess with someone with an imagination, X. You should never have taken control of my book, letting us switch places like that.
Fool. You think that coffee machine was the only way to boil up some water on this ship? You and I both know there’s another way.
No… no, there isn’t another way, X. I’m sure of it. You can’t make me do this… no… no you can’t…
But now I was standing in the corridor, facing the pool of boiling water that had been streaming from the leaking pipe ever since my fight with Travis. I had completely lost control of my arms… In one hand I was still holding the mug with the coffee powder still at the base. In the other, a measuring jug.
“Please don’t do this,” I begged both X and my own hands to stop, but it was too late. I held the jug over the steaming pool, grimacing as my hand starting to burn. It hurt but I couldn’t pull my hand away, no matter how hard I tried. The jug went down and scooped up about a quarter of a litre of boiling water. It burned like hell. I couldn’t fight it… I poured the water straight into the coffee mug and it instantly turned a dark cloudy brown.
Yes. That’s right. Now, stir! Stir!
I didn’t have a spoon with me so I was using my own finger, feeling hopeless as the hot fluid burnt through my flesh against my will. I was walking back to the common room now, frantically stirring the hellishly dark drink which was turning blacker and blacker by the second. If only I could find some way to make myself trip up, like I’d been so good at doing by accident in the past. I had to find a way to spill it…
You think I don’t plan for these things? I’ll make sure you watch your step.
I was inadvertently tiptoeing more carefully than ever before, and there weren’t any more obstacles in the way – I cursed as I remembered having cleared away all the junk from around the ship just a few hours earlier during my OCD tidying-up phase – no doubt another episode that X had a pivotal role in.
Back in the common room, I was standing, fittingly, by the coffee table. The asteroid was back, and seemed to be making its final approach. It was so close now, I could feel the entire ship shaking…
The asteroid was so close it was catching all of the light of the ship and turning bright white. Getting larger and larger, the illuminated rock had completely inverted the usual black canvas I was used to seeing through the window. Filling the entirety of my peripheral vision, I stared bleakly into the light. It seemed familiar. I knew this was going to be my death.
I raised the mug. There was no use even trying to find a way out. I had sacrificed my entire body to X. I knew now what the asteroid signified.
I looked down. The coffee had taken on a ghoulish shape in my eyes, like a demonic spectre. It was as if a mouth was forming, cackling with evil and drooling with malevolence. It was fixated on me, and its lips were parsed to form its final words.
Knock knock...
The moment had come. I touched the mug against my mouth and tipped it back. In three large gulps, it was all over.
Who’s There?
Right.
Interesting.
Not dead then.
X was wrong. About a great many things, as it turned out. As I stood against the backdrop of the white light pouring into my soul, gulping down the coffee, I would have almost believed that X had it in for me. But there was something he’d missed. Something so simple, so basic, that it could only have been picked up on by close examination of one’s own senses. Why WAS there a tear in the coffee sachet before I opened it? Oh yes, X had missed something quite significant. An old schoolboy trick, right there slap bang in his metaphorical face: The old switcheroo. Travis mentioned he was looking for an alternate means of distribution. That wasn’t the coffee I’d just consumed. It was the cure.
No asteroid. No imminent death. Just silence. I felt an enormous wave of realisation move over me… that sudden sense of epiphany that Bob had mentioned the cure would provide. Oh boy, was that one fine drink.
Thousands of years it had taken for Bob to come up with the ultimate cure. It didn’t matter that he’d had his memory wiped and didn’t know he was doing it, he’d been programmed to work obliviously – a tiny little subroutine toiling away. Was all that food really purple for no reason? He’d been preparing for this moment for generations. It was all there in the food, the antibodies he’d placed had been fighting away, suppressing the parasitic disease growing inside me, but not outright destroying it. We needed an extra kick, the final piece of the puzzle, the last key to defeating X. Hence the cigarette. Unfortunately as we’ve established I hadn’t really given smoking that thing much of a chance. Something had to change, and there was only one person who could help.
Emma. Complete psychotic maniac. But if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that she could sure as hell pick up on the subtleties. A twitch of the eyelids… a shaking arm… just a headache, I’d say, to begin with. To some it may have first appeared that I was simply delusional, angry, tired, depressed or, later on, just flat out insane. No, it was Emma who realised something was corrupting me, turning me against my will. It was even more clear to her that this coffee obsession of mine was more than just an obsession, indeed, what with it turning out to be the drive of a mad, all-consuming parasite thriving on the stuff. She and Travis had this planned for a while…
I’d lost the coffee sachet by the bookshelves; as I suspected, right where Dom had tackled me to the ground when he was play-fighting with Wiggy and Beardy. With my cold-hearted reluctance to smoke the cure and grim determination to get my caffeine fix, the solution was ingenious. She knew that getting me to take the cure would be a fool’s errand. I don’t know how much of a time window there had been, but Emma had known that Travis had the cigarette; they found an opportunity to carefully slice open the sachet, unravel the cigarette and switch the contents.
Of course I hadn’t noticed the last minute switch. It was crucial that I didn’t, lest X catch wind of the fact that the last remnants of the deadly caffeine were now but a sprinkling of atoms floating across space. I’d thrown that cigarette out of the airlock myself, under X’s control, thinking it was the cure. What was I really going to have thought of a tiny rip in the sachet packaging? Certainly not that someone had secretly taken the opportunity to swap its contents out for something with even more of a kick.
I stood staring through the window at the empty void where just moments earlier I’d been hallucinating my demise. Of course there never had been an asteroid – except for the one X h
ad arrived on in the first place, such a long, long time ago. Of course I don’t even need to still be writing this book now that I know it’s not even a book - just the rambling thoughts of a man who was losing his grip on reality. That grip was finally returning. I found myself at long last feeling like I was really alive. I felt like me.
Poor Travis… whether intentional or not, he’d devoted his life to trying to save me from X. There was no getting away from that. Yet in the end, his desire had been fulfilled. X was no more. It was finally over.
So the cure had done wonders for my powers of deduction, I realised, having figured out all of the above in just the few short seconds as the bitter aftertaste of the drink ricocheted across my throat. But even that couldn’t have prepared me for my next sight…
Emma was there, standing right behind me. I dropped the mug in shock. I wasn’t hallucinating any more… it was really her.
“Joe?” she asked, nervously.
“Emma…” I replied, taking a deep breath. “You’re still here? I thought you left with the others.”
Emma was struggling for words.
“I… I chose not to. How… do you feel?” She asked, finally.