by Fuller, Tara
“It’s dark. And getting cold. We should go,” he said, his voice thick with an emotion that I couldn’t place.
He didn’t wait for my input. Instead he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, then stuffed the blanket back in its bag and slung it over his shoulder.
We were quiet after that. I didn’t know what to say or what I’d done wrong. I didn’t have an enormous amount of experience with boys so I was clueless. Clueless and hurt. To retrace our steps back through the forest took focus and concentration and didn’t leave much room for conversation. I didn’t know if I was happy or upset about that. Maybe a little of both. I stumbled clumsily behind Alex who was gliding through the forest in lithe fluid movements as if he’d traveled this path a hundred times before. I, on the other hand, was tripping over every snarled root that rose across my path and tree branches were pulling at my hair like long sticky fingers. Alex cleared the path as much as he could, but even he could only do so much. I wasn’t naturally graceful. I could see now why I’d always avoided the hiking trips my friends back home would take. I wasn’t nearly coordinated enough for this sort of thing. I tripped over something hard, scraping my leg on its sharp edge and cried out in pain. Something sticky and wet was saturating my jeans.
I didn’t have to look to see what it was.
Blood.
Alex was immediately at my side pulling up my pant leg to inspect the damage. I pushed away from the object that I could now see through the dim moonlight was a moss-covered tree stump and placed a hand on Alex’s back for support. Its edges were sharp and jagged, shards of glass, razor blades. Suddenly I was lost in a jumble of memories. Flames. Screams. An empty bathtub, blood staining its perfect white finish. The fresh burn of my open cuts as the razorblade fell to the floor. Bevin bursting through the bathroom door and wrapping her mother’s good washrags around my wounds.
I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the images. Alex’s hand moved over my bare leg and I trembled beneath his touch. Not from pain but for reasons that made me blush. He seemed to take notice of it and his frame went rigid beneath my hands. I cringed away, humiliated. It was becoming painfully obvious that he didn’t want to touch me. I mean, seriously! How many teenage boys bring a girl out into the woods to be alone and don’t even kiss her. I was getting angrier by the minute. Angry at his games. Angry with myself for falling so completely and irrevocably in lo-. I stopped the thought before it could form in my head. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. I yanked my leg away and stood up brushing the wet dirt and leaves from my pants.
“Wait. You’re bleeding,” he said. I could see his face now, lovely and pale and confused in the moonlight.
“All the more reason for me to get home,” I said and started walking, leaving him dumfounded behind me. It only took him a moment to sprint to my side, but I tried to ignore him. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let myself feel something so deeply for him when he was so resistant to move forward. Every moment with him was starting to feel like a goodbye. And I couldn’t take any more of those.
He placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me and I didn’t resist. I knew I should. But deep down I knew it was too late. He had already changed me. He was a part of me now whether I liked it or not. There wasn’t any going back from here. And that’s what terrified me. I couldn’t imagine losing him now. Not knowing if I’d ever really had him in the first place.
When we reached the edge of the tree line I burst into the street and felt like I could breathe again. The damp forest had smothered me and the tension was so thick that I wanted to scream. I walked wordlessly past my car towards the house but stopped when Alex’s hand shot out to grab my arm. He cupped my elbow and pulled me back into the shadows.
“Rowan wait,” he said.
“For what?” I snapped. I was feeling fuzzy and confused, my emotions forging a battle inside me. Part of me saying to walk away and the other screaming to hold onto him and never let go.
He looked stunned and took a step back.
“I’m sorry Rowan.” He closed his eyes and paused like he was in pain. “This isn’t easy for me. I don’t know how to do this.” It was almost a whisper.
I studied the sadness in his face. The confusions and helplessness behind his eyes. The longer he held my gaze the more I softened. Before I even realized I’d moved, I felt my legs carrying me towards him. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tight, laying my face against his chest. He sighed and relaxed his arms falling around me so naturally it was as if they were made to fit there.
“No, I’m sorry. It’s just that every time with you feels like the last time. Does that make any sense?” I asked nervously.
He pulled me tighter. “That’s because it should be the last time. I’m not saying it will be, but it should be.”
I pulled back to look into his eyes. They were burning with despair. “What do you mean?”
“I mean the day will come when you have to say goodbye to me. I want this so badly Rowan, but even more I don’t want you to get hurt. And I don’t know how to do both.”
My throat felt constricted around the words stuck there. “It doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t.” I tried to convince him. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t afraid. Not of him. Not of these feelings, so warm and intense I could barley breathe through them. Not of whatever he was trying to protect me from. But instead I just stared back helplessly, praying he would understand.
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t explain it to you.” He shook his head, looking frustrated. It was exactly how I felt.
A silence fell between us and I could hear the cicadas singing through the trees and an owl hooting in the distance.
Alex’s voice broke smoothly though the quiet. “I have to go,” he said.
“Okay,” I said. I didn’t know if I’d see him again after this. It didn’t feel like it. I could only guess it all had something to do with his Aunt. I didn’t like the hold she had on him. I could feel it radiating off of him, like he was wrapped in chains.
He leaned down to press his lips to my forehead and I closed my eyes, trying to memorize what his lips felt like against my skin. I was quite sure that I would never find anything that felt as sweet.
“Good night Rowan,” he whispered. I opened my eyes and he was gone and the pain that exploded through me nearly brought me to my knees.
Chapter 15
I am not a fool. I know the consequences that are sure to follow if I continue down this path with Rowan. But I love her with all that I am. What choice do I have? So I have crafted a protection spell and pray that God and the Goddess bless my quest. Bless my spell. Bless my love.
By the full moon’s light,
On this bright and starry night,
I call to thee, give me your might,
By the power of three,
I conjure thee,
To protect all that surrounds me,
So mote it be,
So mote it be.
~Alexander 1692
***
PARTY TONIGHT!!! I read the text message from Paige with utter disgust. The last thing I wanted to do was go to a party where there would be sweaty boys who’d had too much to drink and equally annoying girls pawing for their attention. There was only one person’s attention I wanted and I hadn’t seen him in three days. And I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. The thought made my heart throb with pain. I didn’t let it overtake me completely though. No. I still had too much hope for that.
I typed in the words no thanks into my phone and hit send. I kept it in my hand expecting her angry response and sure enough thirty seven seconds later it buzzed between my fingers.
My parents only leave me alone once a year and I am having a party. And make no mistake friend. You will be there!
I flipped my phone shut and left it at that. I knew she’d end up bullying me into it eventually. Just like Bevin would. It was almost too much having two friends like Bevin. But then again, I knew I should be thankful.
If it weren’t for Paige I’d probably stay locked up in my room like a hermit for the better part of the summer. I glanced up at the clock. One more hour. Grams had put me in charge of the day shift today and I was about to be relieved by Maggie. Grams and Grandpa had hired Maggie for the summer months to help out. They felt bad tying up my evenings so they cut me back to three days a week and only days. If anyone was pulling for me to have a social life it was Grams. She had asked me several times about Alex but I always brushed it off, explaining that we were just friends. To be honest, whatever we had was too complicated to explain to myself let alone other people. Besides, when you’re always wondering if the guy is even going to come back at all, you try not to jinx it.
The hour went by quickly. Probably because of the dread that was building in the pit of my stomach over the party. I had already given in and was trying to decide what to wear. Paige would be pleased that she wouldn’t have to drag me kicking and screaming. When I got home Grams was overly excited when I announced that I was going out. Most parents would have been wary about their teenage granddaughter heading off to a rowdy party with no parents to chaperone, but not Grams. To her it was a sign of normalcy. A sign that I was getting over my mother’s death. A sign that she was doing a good job with me. I didn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t tell her that the only decent sleep I’d gotten in weeks was when I’d slept with Alex in the forest just days before. Since then it had been forced. Even when sleep did come I dreaded it because it always brought nightmares. Some of Mom, burning, trapped inside the fiery hell our home had become, with no way out. Sometimes it was me there instead of her. Some of Alex and his passionate kisses that always ended with him a lifeless pile of ash. All were dreadful and enough to keep me fighting to stay awake.
When my phone buzzed on the dresser, I knew it was time. I yanked down on the spaghetti strap black dress I was wearing to hold it in place. It was too short. Bevin had picked it out. My reflection stared back at me like a familiar stranger. I knew her well. She was the girl I transformed into from time to time to appease people like Bevin and Paige. And tonight was no exception. Bevin had yet again talked me through the process and I followed her orders like a dutiful soldier. I curled my hair and applied everything from a smoky eyeshadow to a pale peach lip gloss that made my lips look shimmery and plump, a perfect pout. It all felt a little useless. The one person I would want to see me like this would most definitely not be at the party.
I had started coming up with my own theories about Alex’s odd behavior. Everything from him belonging to a cult to something as basic as him just having a really over-protective aunt. Nothing really fit. And whatever the theory, I was certain he wouldn’t be showing up at a party like this one. After a moment of scrutinizing my complexion and full pouty lips, which didn’t look like they belonged to me, I tossed my hair over my shoulder and grabbed my phone. Page’s text nearly screamed at me.
Where are you???
I sighed and typed back.
On my way.
I took a deep breath and hit send.
Paige’s road was deserted. Literally. Thick trees lined each side of the street with darkness. Stars punched holes in the black summer sky. Paige’s big two-story brick house lit up the dead end street with bright light streaming from the windows. The house was tucked neatly between the trees, almost as if the forest had receded to make room just for it, but still grew close and protective. Christmas lights were strung from the trees in the front yard, tossing glittery light all over the cars lining the lawn. I pulled up to the curb and parked my car behind someone’s giant Ford F150. It blocked my view of the house but when I got out and turned the corner I could see that things were well on their way. Kids were littered across the yard and the front door was wide open, music seeping out into the night air. I was sort of glad that Paige didn’t have any neighbors. Maybe the cops wouldn’t show up if there was no one to complain.
I took a deep breath and breezed through the front door trying to look calm and collected as I scanned the room for Paige. There were so many voices and faces mixing together in the crowd that my head started to spin. I didn’t do well with crowds like this. Too many emotions, and I wasn’t nearly strong enough to block half of them out. I closed my eyes for a moment to get my bearings and when I opened them Paige was parting the crowd to get to me.
“You came! Yay!” she squealed and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. She stopped and leaned back to look at me, a little stunned. “And you’re gorgeous.” She beamed.
“So are you,” I said. And she was. She was wearing a shimmery red tank-top over a dark denim mini and a pair of red slingback heels. Her red hair was tousled perfectly over her shoulders in long silky tendrils.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd of flailing limbs and happy faces that were moving to the music pulsing around them. When we finally broke through and made it to the kitchen it was a little calmer. There were only a few people here and the music was throbbing at a lower decibel. Paige grabbed a plastic cup and poured from something that looked like the vodka bottle Dad kept in the liquor cabinet he thought we didn’t know about at home. Then she added a splash of Orange Juice. She thrust the cup into my hand and smiled.
“Drink up my little Rowan. You’re going to have fun tonight whether you like it or not.” She turned back to pour herself a drink and laugh at something a boy was saying across the room.
I sniffed at the cup and almost gagged. The smell of alcohol was overpowering. I watched as Paige turned up her cup and nearly finished it off in one long gulp. My mouth hung open in shock and I had to force myself to close it. No wonder the emotions coming off her were so fuzzy.
“Paige how many of these have you had so far?” I asked.
She laughed. “Hey, nobody’s counting. And you better get started if you want to catch up.”
I took a small sip of the drink and my stomach rolled. It tasted worse than it smelled. I inched away from Paige and gave her a nod when she glanced up at me. I lifted my cup in the air as if to say thanks, then turned and disappeared between the crowd before she could catch up to me. What was I doing here? This was the kind of thing I had talked Bevin out of on a weekly basis back home, and now here I was. I slipped through the kids dancing and laughing, giving a smile and a nod when someone recognized me but when I reached the glass french doors leading out to the backyard I was more than relieved.
I stepped out into the warm night air and greedily sucked in a deep breath. I walked around the corner and out of the light to pour my cup out into the grass, then tossed it into a plastic trash bin back on the porch.
“Not much of a drinker huh?” A familiar voice stopped me. I turned around already knowing who was standing behind me. Tyler. I smiled and shrugged.
“Not really.”
He laughed. “Me neither.” He was smiling and his face was soft and kind. His emotions matched, happy and serene. He didn’t hate me after all. Cool relief washed through me as I realized that there was still hope for our friendship.
“Good. I was hoping I wouldn’t be the only sober one at this party. Paige is already pretty far gone and to be perfectly honest I don’t really know very many people here.”
Tyler cringed with a guilty smile stretching across his face. “Well in that case I’d better not leave you all alone with the drunks.” He tossed his beer can into the trash. It sloshed like it was still full.
I smiled gratefully as I tugged down at my dress, feeling self-conscious when a breeze blew against my bare legs.
Tyler’s eyes glanced down at me but quickly made their way back up to my face. “You look…um…great,” he said.
“Thanks.” My cheeks flushed with color as I averted my gaze out towards the trees. Things were starting to feel awkward and I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey do you want to take a walk?” he asked. I almost said no but his eyes were so hopeful that I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Yeah sure.”
&n
bsp; We walked in silence but when the grassy expanse of yard ran out and we were met with a dark wall of trees, we stopped. Tyler tuned to me and smiled. His blonde hair shimmered in the moonlight and his golden skin looked dark.
“So Paige says you’re seeing somebody,” he said, his eyes darting over my face, then back to the ground. Unfortunately there was no block with Tyler. His emotions were clear. Jealous and even a little hurt.
I gaped. How could Paige do that? I floundered for an explanation. “Not really,” I said, and it was true. I didn’t know what I was to Alex exactly. I knew what he was to me, but he had made it very clear that he didn’t expect us to last. I didn’t know what to think.
His eyes brightened. “What does that mean exactly?”
“I don’t know what we are. He’s just a guy I’ve hung out with a few times.”
“But you like him.” It wasn’t a question. More of an observation.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure that he feels the same way,” I said, so quietly I could barely hear myself. I closed my eyes and hoped that Tyler hadn’t been able to hear it either. It was clear that Alex cared for me but when I put everything together, all of the times he had disappeared, all of the times he had pulled away, maybe he didn’t feel the same. The feelings of rejection washed through me all over again. I wondered if this is what I’d made Tyler feel like. I hoped not. Tyler was sweet and benevolent beyond words. He didn’t deserve to hurt like this.
My thoughts broke apart when Tyler’s warm fingers found their way under my chin and pulled my eyes up to meet his.
“Then he’s an idiot,” he said.
A broken laugh slipped through my lips and Tyler took a step closer. I really wanted to feel something for Tyler in that moment. Things would be so much easier with him. His feelings for me were black and white. No confusion. He wanted to be with me and that was it. I squeezed my eyes shut and searched for a spark. Anything to indicate that this was right. But the only thing that flashed behind my dark lids when I closed my eyes was Alex’s face. I couldn’t do it. I opened my eyes and Tyler could see the resolve there without me having to say the words.