by Fuller, Tara
“Go on,” he said after a moment.
“My whole life I’ve been able to feel what others are feeling around me. Like their fear, or anxiety. Love or happiness. If I get anywhere near someone it all just floods me. Or if they’re farther away I can sort of reach out to find it,” I said lamely. Hearing it actually come out of my mouth for the first time in my life, it sounded ludicrous.
“Can anyone else in your family do this?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No. Not that I know of. But other than my mom I’ve never told anyone about it either.”
“And you can feel anyone?”
“Yes.” Except you, I thought to myself.
He paused a moment and his fingers tightened around my arms.
“And what do you feel from me?” he said, his voice husky now. In that moment the wall between us dissolved like a vapor and everything in Alex was spilling into me. I closed my eyes as a thousand emotions swirled inside my head. Some mine, but mostly his. Surprise, understanding, love, desire. I didn’t know what to say.
“What do you feel?” he asked again.
Without thinking I uttered the first word that entered my mind. The only word that fit what I was feeling from him. “Forever. It all just feels like what forever should feel like,” I said breathlessly.
A burst of heat rushed through me and clouded my mind. It took everything in me to form a single thought. His fingers were lingering on my shoulder blades, tracing circles across my skin. I clutched his shirt tighter to bring myself closer, wanting to melt against him. He sighed. I didn’t care if he didn’t want me like this anymore. It’s how I wanted him. And I was past the point of caring about anything else. My body, my mind, my soul. They only needed one thing at this moment and that hunger was slowly taking over, stifling any other emotion or thought.
“Alex,” I said, tilting my face up to meet his. His chest was rising beneath my hands and it made my heart pound harder against my chest. The desire in him was coming off in white-hot waves of heat.
“Rowan I…” He stopped and it sounded like a protest but his arms tightened around me and he leaned in closer. His lips hovered so close to mine that I could taste his scent on my tongue. My mouth brushed the soft plane of his bottom lip and he slipped out from under me in an instant, leaving my head swirling with his smell–honey suckle and freshly tilled earth. I opened my eyes, shocked and bewildered. And most of all hurt. He was already across the room, shaking.
“Just leave then!” I said, bringing my knees up to my chest to hold in the sobs.
He looked shocked. “What?”
I tried to stop the tears that were swelling behind my eyes from spilling over, but it was a futile effort. The rejection was thick in my throat as I swallowed past the lump that sat there.
He took a few steps forward and hesitated.
“I don’t know why you’re here…with me. It’s obvious that you don’t want me like I want you. You don’t even want to kiss me.” He’d had plenty of opportunities if this was what he’d wanted.
His lips turned up into a smile as a silent laugh shook through him. Humiliation and pain flared through me. It was like I was trying to breathe through water.
“You silly beautiful girl. What man in his right mind wouldn’t want to kiss you?” He sounded slightly amused.
“You!” I said, as I jerked my face away from his touch.
“Is that really what you think?” He paused, struggling for the words, and the smile faded from his face. “Do you really think that every fiber of who I am doesn’t want you? Doesn’t ache for you in ways that I’ve never experienced? Do you actually believe for one second that I’m not completely in love with you?” He stopped finally, his eyes a blue burning flame, tortured. I could almost hear the internal fight brewing behind his heavy breathing.
“Then why do you keep pulling away from me?” I asked, my voice a barely audible whisper.
“Because I’ll hurt you.” He motioned to the space between us as if our relationship was painted across the floor. “This…it’s not going to end well Rowan. It’s going to…” He let his voice disappear like a wisp of hopeless wind.
“I don’t care.” I didn’t know what he was talking about, but he had to be wrong. He had to be.
He sank down onto the bed beside me. “You should,” he said as he reached up and gently let his fingers spread across my cheek until my face was resting in his palm. “You have no idea the kind of hell this is going to unleash.” I couldn’t tell if he was talking to himself or me. The steady blue of his gaze caught mine like a snare and held it. “I shouldn’t want you Rowan, but I do. I love you. Can’t you see that? Can’t you feel it?” His lips moved as light as a feather, barely brushing mine as he spoke. But he still hesitated. My heart was thrumming wildly in my chest and every nerve was standing on end, screaming for his touch.
“Then kiss me,” I whispered, our breathing now the only sound in the dark.
He didn’t hesitate any longer. He touched his mouth to mine, soft and hesitant for the briefest second, but when I pressed into him, succumbing to the intense desire that had been building within me for weeks, he responded. Within seconds his lips had turned hard and urgent, moving effortlessly with mine as he filled up every one of my senses. His fingers knotted in my hair, securing me in place. The sensation was amazing, almost too much. But at the same time not nearly enough. The heat swept through me, sparking every dormant feeling that I’d kept hidden away. Every need, every emotion was flowing freely as I lost myself in him. Melted into him. Nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. Not life or death or anything in between. Just us.
I lay back, feeling the mattress give way beneath me and Alex eagerly followed as if we’d been doing this our entire lives. His hips aligned with mine and he pressed against me, a low moan rumbling somewhere in his chest. I shuddered at the sound, feeling it trickle through my body like gasoline to a fire. I tugged at his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. He didn’t stop me. We were past stopping. He wanted this just as much as I did and my heart was singing with every kiss. He freed one hand from my hair and slid it up my exposed thigh then stopped. His lips pulled away from mine, unable to catch his breath, as he averted his eyes to the door. I couldn’t understand. Why was he stopping? Why would he…
And that’s when I heard it. The creak in the staircase. The wood groaning under the pressure of footsteps. I froze and Alex slithered over me without hesitation and dropped to the floor with a thud. I yanked the comforter over me and tucked it under my chin as I attempted to relax my breathing. My heart was pounding. Then a soft knock and the door opened. Grams was standing in her pink floral nightgown, peering into the darkness, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“Rowan honey, are you awake?” she whispered.
I sat up trying my best to look exhausted when I was anything but. My heart was still racing and I felt like I could run a marathon.
“Yeah. I just got home a little while ago,” I said, leaving out the part about Alex hiding on the other side of my bed.
She smiled. “How did it go?”
I blocked out the image of Max sweaty and evil forcing himself onto me and lied. “Great. I had a really good time.”
“I knew you would. Well…” She stopped and I froze watching the horror unfold across her face. I looked down and realized the thin stream of light filtering in through the doorway had landed on my face. I pulled the blanket tighter so she couldn’t see the rest.
“Rowan! What happened?” She rushed over to my bed and I tensed, sensing Alex just a few feet away. I flinched away from her touch and forced a laugh. I suddenly felt self-conscious. My lips felt swollen from our kisses and I hoped it would blend in with the rest of my face.
“Oh that,” I muttered, flailing for an excuse. “I fell down Paige’s steps. “That’s why I left the party a little early,” I said. “I know it looks terrible.”
She eyed me suspiciously for a moment. “Rowan have you been drinking?�
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“No, I-I-” Gram’s raised a brow at me. Just take the out Rowan. Better she thinks you tipped a few back than the truth. I looked down. “A little.”
She sighed and ran her hand over my hair. “Rowan…I know things are hard. I know you want to fit in, but this isn’t the way. I have to be able to trust you.”
“I know.”
“Are you alright now? Do you need to see a doctor?” She seemed to buy it.
“No. I’m fine. Just a little banged up.”
“Well please try to be more careful. Your dad might have second thoughts about letting you stay with us if he were to see you like this.”
I nodded and smiled.
“Well, I won’t keep you up honey. Just wanted to make sure you were home safe. We’ll get a better look at that in the morning.” She motioned to my eye. “Goodnight.”
“Night Grams,” I said as she closed the door. We both sat frozen for a moment while we listened to her descend the stairs. When the sound of her door shutting downstairs echoed through the house like thunder Alex sighed. I wondered if he had gone that entire time without breathing.
I threw the blankets off of me and tiptoed across the room to lock the door. By the time I made it back Alex was doing his best to be quiet as he climbed back onto the bed. I couldn’t wipe the sappy smile from my face. He smiled back and it was so warm and sweet I wanted to cry. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close.
“Well that was…interesting,” he said. I laughed and let my fingers trace the smooth lines in his chest. He shuddered under my touch.
“Sorry about that,” I said, wondering what we might be doing right now if Grams hadn’t interrupted.
He chuckled. “No. Don’t be. That was probably a good thing.”
I looked up at him confused.
He smiled down at me and shrugged. “I normally have very good self control Rowan, but with you… it escapes me.”
My fingers crept up his chest until they reached his collarbone, then began to trace patterns across his skin. He closed his eyes and I could feel him shaking.
He laughed and closed his hand around mine.
“So I take it you’re not angry with me anymore?” A smile played at the corners of his mouth.
“Maybe,” I said, grinning back at him.
“You know forgiveness is divine Rowan.”
“Okay I forgive you.” I tugged him to me. “Maybe you should kiss me again just so I can be sure though.”
“How about you get some sleep instead,” he said.
“I’m not tired.” And I hadn’t been until he mentioned it. I cringed as a yawn betrayed me and slipped through my lips. Traitor.
“You’ve been through a lot today Rowan. I don’t even think you’ve grasped the half of it yet.” He traced his fingers lightly over the finger-shaped bruises on my shoulder and looked away.
“You should rest. I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you,” he said.
Panic shot through me like ice and the warmth disappeared. I was shaking. I grabbed his arm as I tried to make sense of the sobs swelling in my chest.
“No. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me alone,” I said through tears. I couldn’t understand the sheer terror that was rattling through me like an earthquake. Not until Max’s twisted grin flashed across my mind. Yet another thing to add to the nightmares. Great.
His eyes widened and he pulled me tight against his chest.
“Rowan it’s alright. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. It’s alright,” he said softly as he pulled the blanket up over us both and eased back onto the bed. His arms wound around me, locking me into a safe embrace.
“Please stay,” I whispered against the pillow.
He paused and then I could feel his warm breath against the back of my neck as he spoke. “Alright. I’ll stay.”
“You won’t be in trouble will you?” I asked remembering how tightly his Aunt had him bound.
“I don’t care anymore,” he said and kissed the back of my neck. “All I care about is you.”
The darkness enveloped us in silence after that. The sounds of our breathing and the gentle swell of Alex’s chest against my back were slowly lulling me to sleep and I welcomed it. I should have been afraid of the awaiting nightmares but I wasn’t. It seemed impossible to be afraid of anything when I was wrapped in Alex’s embrace. I gave in as the darkness and tiny flashes of color began to pull me under. And just before I succumbed, my heart swelled and I knew I had to say it.
“I love you Alex.”
Chapter 17
For the first time in my life I used dark magic. That fool of a boy is lucky that a string of hellish nightmares is all he has to endure after what he did to her. The spell was simple enough, but still. This morning I find myself swimming in remorse for what I have done. Am I no better than Marion now? It can’t happen again. And to top it all off, she is a witch! God in heaven Rowan is a witch! The power I felt flowing from her last night was amazing. Power only a true blood witch could be capable of. It’s obvious she knows nothing of what she holds inside. So I must tread carefully while introducing her to this new world. God how I love her.
~ Alexander 1692
***
When I woke up I was alone. I stretched out, letting my fingers venture across the rumpled sheets beside me. They were cold. I sat up and squinted as the yellow sunshine flashed across my face. The blood began to rush back through my body and I cringed. Whatever that trick was that Alex had pulled with me last night was gone. Pain exploded and seeped though my body like acid. Every part of me was sore and achy and the tender space just below my right eye was throbbing. I crawled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and splashed some cool water over my face before I decided to face my reflection. When I finally did I gasped. I had a black eye. Uggg. Real flattering Rowan, I thought to myself. I was suddenly very happy that Alex hadn’t been here to witness this. My legs were wobbly and I was slightly shaking so I abandoned the idea of a shower and instead climbed back into bed. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on anything other than the pain. Instead I concentrated on the memory of Alex’s lips on mine and the woodsy scent of his skin. As strong as the memory was, it was still difficult to not think about the nightmares. If once wasn’t enough I had been forced to endure the entire disgusting experience over again in my sleep. The gritty soil cutting into my palms. The cold, empty look in Max's eyes. The feeling of utter helplessness. I squeezed my eyes tighter to fight back the tears. Why did I have to go to that stupid party? Served me right for not listening to my instincts. I knew better.
My eyes flew open when a soft knock at my door invaded my thoughts. My heart stopped. I wasn’t ready to talk to Grams. I looked down at my exposed shoulders and the finger shaped bruises that were branded into them. How would I explain that? I scrambled for the covers but when Paige peeked into the room I relaxed and tossed them away. I motioned for her to come in and sat up, tucking my tousled hair behind my ears.
“Oh my God… Rowan.” Her voice broke as she rushed into the room. I glanced up, surprised when I saw Tyler shuffling in behind her. My face flushed. Tyler wasn’t much better than Grams. He closed the door behind him and nervously crossed the room. They both looked like they were at a funeral, their eyes filled with remorse and pain.
I laughed nervously. “I’m fine guys, really.”
“Are you kidding? Have you seen yourself this morning?” Paige gaped, running her fingertip over the bruise under my eye.
I flinched away and sighed. “Yes. Why do you think I’m still up here? You didn’t say anything to Grams did you?” I prayed that they hadn’t. I hadn’t had a chance to get my story straight with them. If Grams knew the truth I’d never be allowed to leave the house again.
Tyler shook his head. “No. We didn’t know what you’d told her so we kind of let her take the lead.” He cocked his head to the side and looked at me. “Must have been a pretty nasty fall down those ste
ps.”
I laughed in spite of the situation and the tension in the room seemed to lighten considerably.
“Geez Rowan. You seriously couldn’t have come up with anything better than that?” Paige joked.
“Well I was going to tell her that I got into a fight but this was more believable.”
They both laughed, but Tyler’s eyes were still tight. He didn’t look like he’d slept.
“So who was he?” Paige finally asked like the question had been burning in her all night.
“Who?” I asked innocently. I knew who she meant.
“The guy who laid the smack down on Max then took you home.”
“Oh. That was Alex,” I said and watched her mouth drop.
“Well va va voom, Rowan. Way to bag yourself a hottie. And the hero kind at that. Nice.” I glanced over to Tyler and cringed. Smooth Paige. Real smooth. She was joking but I could tell it was just to take my mind off of things. She felt wary of Alex.
“Hey Paige, why don’t you get Rowan some coffee,” Tyler said, never taking his eyes off of me.
She glanced between the two of us and nodded, then made her way to the door. “Yeah sure. But Rowan doesn’t drink coffee. O.J. okay?” she paused by the doorway to ask.
I nodded and smiled, watching as she disappeared into the hall.
“Are you okay?” Tyler asked as he eased down on the bed next to me and brushed the hair back from my face. Not in a seductive way, but as if to examine the damage.
“Yeah, just sore,” I said.
He grimaced and looked away.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left you last night,” he said.
“It’s not your fault,” I insisted.
“It is. I should have been there.”
I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me. “It’s not. If anybody’s to blame it’s Max.” He grabbed my hand from his face and held it. My eyes were locked on his and I couldn’t look away.
Adrenaline, cold and swift, swept through me when Tyler looked down to my upturned wrist. My bands. I didn’t have my armbands and I felt naked, exposed, like my secret had been stolen.