by Bade, Julia
She sobbed just as much over that betrayal. But it wasn’t a betrayal. She only made herself believe it was to try and make her fast-approaching death tolerable.
Night after night, she would lay in her bed and pray. She would look out her window, desperately trying to conjure up memories she’d shared with Xavier, but the stars would not shine as brightly for just her alone. They needed Xavier by her side to show off their brilliance.
Her father kept her in the dark about her nuptials. He was planning her death so perfectly that she would not even know she was getting married until she was standing before the priest. This, her father knew, would not give her the chance to run away, or run anywhere, for that matter.
Then one morning, God gave her the break she needed.
She stood in a corner at the grocer’s hiding from the voices. She recognized the voice she despised so badly and froze in fear before making herself move away. Emmanuel. He was speaking to the grocer.
“What’s the special occasion?” the grocer asked, handing Emmanuel a brown bag.
“I’m getting married tomorrow, kind sir!”
“Oh Señor, I didn’t even know you were engaged!” The grocer clapped his hands.
“Yes, yes, I am. It wasn’t a long engagement.”
Soledad felt the urge to vomit. She held her hands firmly over her mouth. She wasn’t sure if she would throw up, or scream. She squeezed back hot, violent tears. She couldn’t allow her sobs to reveal her hiding place.
“Congratulations, sir. This is on me.”
Soledad could not see what the grocer held up. He was a kind man. She had known him since she was a child. Now, he was just another peddler of her doom.
She waited for the bell on the door indicating that Emmanuel was gone. She composed herself, swiped her damp cheeks, then grabbed her mother’s milk and went to the counter.
“Hola, mija!” He sounded so pleased to see her. The soft kind eyes she had known all her life were now foreign as Señor Talaman studied her frantic eyes. “Estas bien?” He tilted his head, his wise brown eyes scanning her face.
“Si, Señor, gracias. I’m a little sick today.” She knew her eyes were betraying her with their red sting and pale face.
“Feel better, mija. You really look sick. You should be home in bed, no?”
“Believe it or not, my mother is far worse than me, so I came to run her errand.” She felt so bad lying by inflicting illness on her mother.
Something suddenly came over her. An idea. A small wisp of hope. She knew what she must do. “Actually, sir. I feel terrible right now, and I really can’t take this milk with me now. I’ll return later.”
“Okay, mija.” The grocer stared at the milk, probably unsure about touching it.
Without a goodbye, she sprinted out of his store, then headed in the opposite direction of her house. She was fleeing to the border. Xavier would have to be back by now. He told her their longest runs lasted two weeks at most. She didn’t look behind her, she just ran, and with no trouble at all, she was allowed entrance into her beautiful Mexico.
The familiar trailer Xavier called home sat on the same lot where he’d first introduced her to it. Apparently, this was its settling ground. She didn’t know what to expect, but she pounded on the door with so much force that it opened. She jumped back, ashamed to have been so rudely persistent.
Footsteps approached. A man, an older man with salt and pepper hair stared down at her with the same intense blue eyes as his son.
“Xavier!” He called over his shoulder, then he smiled at her. “Come in.” He stepped back, then gestured her forward. A dart of fear crept up her spine. Was she doing the right thing? What if Xavier didn’t want to see her? The fear of the unknown began to suffocate her. She hadn’t seen him in so long, with no word from him since their abrupt goodbye. She nodded at Xavier’s father and began to back away. As much as she longed to stay, she would force herself to run, certain her precious Xavier would not want anything to do with her. How dare she come here so confidently. How dare she assume she had so much control and certainty over Xavier’s feelings. Xavier’s father, perhaps noticing her struggle, shrugged his shoulders and disappeared back into the house.
After more internal debate, Soledad convinced herself to wait on the porch. Things could not get any worse than they already were. If Xavier turned her away, at least she could have closure. But at this point, all she really knew was that her love was inside that trailer, and it took great effort not to charge in there. Sound came from the screen door and her breath caught up in her throat. She remained very still, uncertain as Xavier came to the door looking groggy, uncertain. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, only a pair of cut-off shorts. One look at her and he broke out in a smile that filled his entire face.
“Cholita!” He burst through the rickety screen door as it struggled to stay intact. “I can’t believe I’m looking at you!” He pulled her into the trailer and he kissed her all over her mouth, forehead, cheeks, jaw, neck, nose, head, eyes, mouth, mouth, mouth. He inched her toward his bedroom, a compact area sectioned off by the curtain hung by a rope, the one she remembered from the first time she visited. The foldable cot against the trailer wall didn’t even look like it could hold him. His clothes cluttered the floor. Those familiar chapped leather boots lay disheveled in a corner, one up, one down.
“We just got in only a few hours ago,” he said, waving a hand at the mess on his floor. He looked at her again, the smile still lingering, his eyes taking her in, seeking answers. “I could have only dreamed that you would be here with me in this moment.”
As hard as she tried, Soledad could not speak. Xavier still wanted her. He still loved her. She was getting married tomorrow. She was standing here with the man who would forever be the keeper of her heart. And while she tried to wrap her head around all of this, while she tried desperately to conjure up any words worthy of responding to all of this, instead, she buried her face in his chest and cried.
She was grateful when Xavier did not demand an explanation. He stroked her hair, whispering words of comfort. Minutes passed, but she couldn’t seem to stop crying. Xavier held her patiently, and waited, his only movements breathing and shifting his weight every now and then.
“Todo bien?” His father’s voice carried concern.
Instantly, Soledad stopped her cries. She had forgotten how close the quarters were and she was suddenly embarrassed. What must this man think of her? Her display on the porch, her blatant unconcealed cries behind the curtain. How terrible that she would leave this last impression on him.
“Yes.” Xavier turned to the direction of his father’s voice and shouted back.
She could have cried the afternoon away, and while she felt robbed of a good cry, she was grateful for the abrupt interruption. There was so much to say, yet everything she needed to urgently say seemed scattered, out of order, yet pressing their way out of her mouth.
“My love, Suki has died.” Her voice quavered as she struggled with saying these words out loud for the first time, and she began to sob again.
“I’m so sorry, my Cholita,” Xavier’s gentle voice whispered in her ear. He squeezed her tighter.
“There’s more,” she managed. “My father has carried out the ultimate betrayal. The last dagger that destroyed our relationship.” A fresh wave of tears hit, and she sank again into Xavier.
His arms tensed around her. “What did he do, Soledad?” he asked, his voice unsure.
She stared into the eyes of the one she loved. Her throat tightened. How could she tell him? But he needed to know. He would have the answer. He would know what to do. “I am being married off ...” She struggled with the words. “Tomorrow.” This would be the first time she truly realized what awaited her, and by the looks of Xavier’s face, it didn’t take long for him to realize the same.
; Xavier’s lower chin trembled and as soon as her words were spoken, a tear escaped his eyes, followed by another. With his palms, he briskly rubbed the tears off his cheekbones, but it was too late. Seeing him so emotional sent her over the edge again and she cried, deep racking sobs that left her breathless. They stood in that small space, holding each other, his arms drawing her in closer than she thought possible. She tried to look up at him, but he held her firmly in place, yet she knew he was crying because as hard as he fought to conceal this, his chest shook.
“Come, Cholita,” Xavier said, pulling her down onto his bed. “You should rest.” With gentle thumbs, so foreign to a feria laborer, he rubbed the tears from under her eyes.
He was right. Soledad didn’t resist. While she felt the urgency to flee, while she expected at any second that her father would throw open that protective curtain, she obeyed, snuggling against him, reveling in his warmth and strength. Xavier would know what to do. He’d save her, save them.
He spooned against her, running his free hand through her hair until she, emotionally exhausted, fell asleep.
Chapter 13
When Soledad woke up, it took her only a minute to gather her bearings and the time. Where before the early sun beamed through the small windows that adorned the trailer walls, a new deep shade fell over the home. While urgency tapped at her heart, she could not resist the smile that broke over her face. She smelled Xavier in the sheets that lay on top of her. She could also smell food, reminding her that she’d yet to eat that day. She shifted to a sitting position and ran her hands through her hair.
Xavier’s face was suddenly poking through the curtain. “Hungry?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. Not at all. I couldn’t eat if I tried.”
“Please try. For me.”
She would do anything for him.
Out from behind the curtain, her eyes surveyed the quiet trailer home. She suddenly felt ashamed of her brazen appearance earlier in the day, and she debated asking for Xavier’s father, but it was not her place.
As if he sensed her wonder, Xavier was quick to reply.
“My father is out. It’s just us.” He waved her over to him at the small breakfast bar.
“Sorry, this was all we had.” Xavier chuckled and nodded at the breakfast food he’d prepared for a dinner meal.
“No, it’s perfect,” she lied measuring the smallest bite she could manage onto the fork. They sat together at the bar in quiet, and she painfully swallowed small bites of scrambled egg, salted with cheese, and toast with butter and honey. When she could not tolerate anything more, she apologized.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Xavier stared at her, his eyes moody and intense. He tapped his hands on the breakfast bar as if playing a conga. “Hey. Let’s get out of here.”
Soledad slid her hands down and gripped the wooded sides of her barstool, for at his words, she was ready to move, yet something else invaded her thoughts. “I’m too scared. My father will surely be looking for me.” She knew that if they were to run away, it was best to stay concealed until a plan was finalized.
“He won’t find you. I promise.”
Soledad felt bad looking back at the wasted food and dirty dishes she could have easily and hastily cleaned up, a mess that would be the only proof she was ever there, a mess that would be a painful reminder to her precious Xavier if and when he returned to the trailer without her.
Xavier grabbed a long-sleeve flannel shirt off of a chair in his curtained-off room and took Soledad’s hand. “Let’s go, my love.”
They walked hand in hand, fingers intertwined, toward the trees she had been staring at the moment she’d met Xavier that night at the feria. She began to cry again, grieving the loss of holding Xavier’s hand when and if her father won. Xavier pulled her closer to him, almost holding her up as they walked. What was she going to do? She was dancing on the outskirts of a breakdown. If Xavier told her they were heading off to kill themselves together, she would completely go along with it. If she could not spend her life with him, it would never be a life worth living.
Once they were buried in a deep fortress of trees, Xavier sat her down on a stump. She felt so helpless. Like a child who needed direction. She listlessly did whatever he said.
“Soledad.” Xavier tipped her chin up so her eyes met his. Her lips trembled. Where he usually appeared confident, she could now see worry. In places of laugh lines, lines of worry etched his eyes and the stubble-covered planes of his face. She wanted to look down again, there was no encouragement in his gaze today, but his firm fingers kept her head raised toward his.
“Soledad,” he said again. “I’ve thought about this all day.” He hesitated, then reluctantly spoke out. “You cannot disobey your father.”
In her mind, she heard something far different than what he said, and she asked again to be sure. “What?” She watched his mouth and face as he spoke so not to miss what she thought she had heard.
“You need to obey your father, Soledad.” He kneeled down beside her, but she drew away from him, his harsh words stinging her.
“What are you saying?” she demanded, the pace of her breath accelerating as heat flashed, attacking her, blinding her.
“Soledad, listen to me, please.” From his praying position, he fought to restrain her. “No matter what happens, good will always prevail. You have to trust in that, and you cannot corrupt yourself by disobeying your father.”
She shook her head. While Xavier wrapped his arms around her waist, she found herself turning her face, attempting to inch further away, but his grip around her remained intact. Finally, she found words. “I can’t believe what you’re saying. I ...” She paused. “I honestly thought I had found my place with you.” It was a struggle to get those words out of her mouth. It hurt to be told she was wrong. “I wanted you to tell me that we could run away together. And one day, you’d be on your knees just like this, only you’d be proposing to me. I was ready to give up everything for you!” As she spat these words, she pained to punish him for something he could not control. She already knew very well and deeply in her heart, that there was no hope, that even if Xavier had proposed they run away, she’d spend a good part of their lives looking over her shoulder. Yet she found herself screaming again, then broke his hold on her and shot to her feet.
“Were you ready to give up your family?” He challenged her, but his shoulders slumped weakly as he stared up at her.
She raised her chin in defiance. “They are dead to me now.”
“Give up Stanford?” He pushed at her with the things he knew she held sacred.
“School means nothing to me. Don’t you understand? You are my everything.” She held her hands out to him, pleading with him.
He reached out to take her hands, sliding up to her. She felt hope. Perhaps she was getting through to him. She pushed herself to continue, fervently arguing her point. “If I get married, you and I are finished. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She didn’t realize how tightly she squeezed his hands until he jerked. Her nails had been digging in.
His face came up to hers, so closely his words breathed on her. “You mean everything to me. That’s why I can’t let you give up on your family, on your dreams. This marriage is only a temporary setback. I would be a permanent setback if you choose me. Don’t you see? Your father is a smart man. His reasoning for this can’t truly be dismissed. He’s got plans for you. This is his way to take care of you.”
“My father is a selfish man. I’m just a piece in his game for wealth and fortune, dispensable, and one would be ignorant to interpret anything else.” She felt her words roll off her tongue like fire, and then one look at Xavier extinguished everything. She was quick to repent, cupping his face in her hands now, planting soft kisses on his mouth. She didn’t feel worthy for her cruel mouth to have the pleasure of his
touch. “Please forgive me, my love. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes tightly shut for she couldn’t bear to see the hurt she’d inflicted.
“I’m sorry, too.” His words were simple. Defeated. He rubbed a hand over the top of his head as if conjuring up thoughts. “What if,” he seemed unsure to continue. “What if I told you this marriage was only a temporary means of getting to what we both want?” He still spoke softly. His gaze darted upward and to the left. Soledad knew that look well. It was one her father mastered in his lies to her. This look now, in Xavier, signaled the beginning of the end. While she screamed only in her head, on the outside, she calmly attempted to dissuade him from continuing on the path of lies. It was unintentionally cruel.
“No, Xavier.” She shook her head and dropped back onto the stump.
“No, listen.” He took her shoulders and turned her toward him, his gaze penetrating, as if he truly believed what he was about to tell her. “You get married. You go to Stanford. You occupy your time with school.” His voice rose. “Once you gain your independence, your education, then you leave. No matter what it takes, you leave. No matter how long it takes. I’ll be here. I will always be waiting here.”
While she desperately wanted to believe him, to find joy in the promise, all she could see were the years that would separate them. This wasn’t good enough. “But what does that gain me?” she asked wearily, planting a nervous hand onto the splintered plane of the tree stump, now accepting defeat. Xavier didn’t want to fight for her. He wanted her to give in. As hard as he tried to resolve this predicament, it just wasn’t good enough. It would have had to have been more.
“Your family and your education,” Xavier reminded her, waving behind him toward the feria grounds. “I can’t give you the life you deserve, Cholita. Not now. Not yet. Not when opportunity still calls for you.”