by Jade West
I walked away and I couldn’t look back, I daren’t look back, not until I was out through the front door, wobbly on legs that really didn’t want to carry me. Mum and Dad filed out after me, got into the car without another word. I slipped into the back seat, and Mark was in the doorway, watching me. His expression was one of misery. Misery and guilt and pain.
I cried so hard I couldn’t take a breath, my face pressed to the window as the car pulled away, my fingers tight to the glass, reaching out for one last touch.
Oh God, how I wanted one last touch.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed.
And then he was gone.
***
“How fucking long?” Dad was pacing around the living room.
I perched on the sofa, a dithery mess, struggling for words. “Weeks. Like I said.”
“And you expect me to fucking believe that, do you? Do I look like I was born fucking yesterday?”
I nodded. “It was weeks, Dad. And it was me. I pushed it.”
He sneered. “You think you’re such a fucking grown up. You know fucking nothing about the world, Helen, nothing at all. He’s been grooming you for years.”
I shook my head. “No. He hasn’t.”
“Think what you fucking want. The guy’s a fucking molester.”
I swatted away a tear. “You’re so wrong. You’re really wrong, Dad. You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“I’M NOT FUCKING WRONG!”
“George!” Mum had her head in her hands. “Please, just stop!”
He stared at me. “I was right, wasn’t I? About that fucking pantomime?” He pointed at Mum. “I fucking told you, Angela. I fucking told you, but nobody ever listens to me.”
“I tried it on, he stopped it,” I said. “That’s why I was upset.”
“Sure he fucking did.”
More tears spilled, flowing faster than I could wipe them away. “I swear it was me. I’ll swear on anything you want. I pushed it, I chased, I pretty much begged. And he fought it, really hard, I swear. He really did.”
“How fucking noble.” He stopped pacing. “That man’s fucking ruined, I’m telling you. Monday morning I’ll be marching straight into that school and I’ll be telling them exactly what the fuck’s been going on.”
“Then I’ll leave,” I said, and there was concrete behind my tears. Cold, dead concrete. “If you make him leave, then I’ll leave too.”
Dad scoffed, and bellowed, and slammed his fist into the wall. “You’re not fucking leaving anything, Helen! Don’t even think about it! You’re not fucking going anywhere!”
“I mean it,” I said. “I’d fail anyway. If you make him go away, then I’ll go, too. I’ll go anywhere. I couldn’t bear it. I wouldn’t even care anymore.”
Mum got to her feet, hands wringing. “Think about this, George, just think! You go all guns blazing and you’ll ruin everything! Helen’s got exams! She’s got studying! She’s got university, George! Just think about that!”
“She should have fucking thought about that before she got in that pervert’s fucking bed, Angela!”
Mum shook her head. “I’m not saying it’s right. It’s not right, George! I’m saying there’s considerations to be made! Helen needs to finish her exams, George! She needs to pass!”
“So, what do you expect me to do about it?!” he snarled. “Just let it fucking happen?” He jabbed a finger towards her. “I’m not just going to sit here and let that fucking pervert take advantage of my daughter, Angela. You can fucking forget it.”
“Our daughter,” she said. “Do whatever you want, but, please, for God’s sake, at least let her finish her exams first!”
He stared at me so hard it made my skin freeze. “You won’t be seeing him again, understand? No phone calls, no fucking painting workshops, no fucking internet, no late nights from school. Nothing. NOTHING!”
“And then what?” I cried. “And then you’ll leave him alone?”
He didn’t answer me, not for ages.
“This is such fucking bullshit,” he seethed. “The man should be fucking disgraced. He should be GONE!”
“George!” Mum hissed. “Please!”
I forced my voice out. “If I don’t see him again, you’ll leave him alone? Is that what you’re saying?”
Dad folded his arms, glared at me. “I don’t know what I’m fucking saying!”
The silence was putrid and horrible.
Mum sighed. “We just have to do what’s right for Helen, George.”
“And what about him?!” he said. “He just carries on, gets away scot-fucking-free?”
“I don’t give a fuck about him!” Mum cried. “I don’t care, George! I just care about Helen’s exams! I just care about our daughter!”
“AND SO DO I!”
“Then don’t ruin it! Please, George, don’t ruin her A-Levels!”
I didn’t care about my A-levels. Even the thought turned my stomach.
I repeated my question. Calmly. Quietly. “If I don’t see him again, you’ll leave him alone?”
Dad gave a horrible sneer. “I don’t know if I can. I want to rip his fucking spleen out.”
“Dad! If I don’t see him again, will you leave him alone? Yes or no?”
He weighed it up, I could see it written across his face. “If you even said one word to him, Helen. One fucking word outside of class… If you even looked at him…”
The tiniest sliver of relief in my gut. “And you’d leave him alone? If I didn’t?”
“For now,” he snarled. “Until your exams are over. JUST for your fucking exams, Helen. But you’re fucking grounded. Grounded full-time, grounded until your fucking shipped off to university. If I catch wind of you so much as looking at him in any fucking way that isn’t exam related, the whole fucking thing is over, and I’ll be straight into school and I’ll ruin the seedy, disgusting sonofabitch.”
Oh God.
“And then what? When I’m at university?”
He looked at Mum and then to me. “You won’t see him again. That’s the fucking deal, Helen. I won’t tell the school, so long as you don’t fucking see him. This year, next year, five fucking years down the line, never. You talk to him, you so much as even look at him, I’ll be straight into that school, and I’ll make sure he fucking pays for what he’s done.” He drew breath and his eyes were like coals. “Don’t think I believe your tall fucking tales, either. I’ve got no fucking idea how long this shit’s really been going on, Helen, but believe me, if I need to find out, I will, and I’ll be calling the fucking police in to help me.”
My blood ran cold. “That’s so unfair. I was legal, I was an adult.”
“They can establish that for themselves, can’t they?” He shot me evils that cut right through my heart. “Don’t think for a second I won’t be watching you. I’ll be watching everything. Every. Fucking. Thing. One wrong move and it’s game fucking over.”
I got to my feet, and met him with a stare that came straight from the soul. Straight from my broken heart. “You don’t need to watch me,” I said quietly. “Because I would never, ever do that to him. Not in a million years. Not if my entire life depended on it.”
He groaned. “You’re so fucking deluded, Helen. You live in cloud fucking cuckoo land.”
“Mark loves me…”
He laughed, and it was so cruel. “Give me a fucking break.”
“And I love him…”
“As if you know what fucking love is. You need to grow the fuck up. This is nothing but a stupid infatuation, you don’t know the first fucking thing about love.”
“I know more than you think.” My voice was weak. “I know how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me.”
“HE CAN FACE THE FUCKING MUSIC, THEN!”
I shook my head. “I never want that to happen to him. Never.” I choked back sobs. “I’ll do what you want, I promise, no phones, no internet, no anything. Just please don’t ruin him, Dad, please don’t. I couldn’t bear it! P
lease! I’ll do whatever you say!”
He pointed at me, jabbed his finger hard through the air. “You better not be shitting me, Helen.”
“I’m not, I swear!”
Mum covered her eyes, started crying.
Dad looked at her but didn’t react. He stood motionless and angry.
“Prove it,” he said.
***
I could barely dial the number. My fingers fought every step, my sanity shrivelling.
But my resolve stayed strong.
Dad was standing right by me, hands on his hips and an expression like death on his face.
Mark answered on the third ring.
“Helen…”
“I can’t speak long,” I said. “My dad’s with me, I just…” I choked back a sob. “I just need to say some things…”
I heard his breath hitch. “Helen, please, just listen to me. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re doing, you don’t need to do this. It’s ok, it’s all ok.”
I shook my head, sobbing. “Dad says he won’t tell anyone, not if I don’t see you again.”
“But that’s crazy… You know that’s crazy…”
“It’s not crazy…” I could barely get my words out. “I can’t… I won’t let this happen. Mark, I won’t let this ruin you.”
“Don’t,” he said. “It doesn’t need to be like this…”
But it did. It did need to be like this.
Dad was growing impatient. I heard him sigh.
“I told him I’ll finish this. I told him it’s over. And he’ll leave you alone, I promise.”
“Helen…”
“It’s over, Mark,” I cried. “Please don’t worry, please don’t. He’s not going to say anything.”
“I’m not worried. Helen, please, we need to talk about this…”
But we didn’t. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else I could say.
Dad groaned, reached for the mobile, but I kept hold of it just long enough. Just long enough to summon my breath before it disappeared from me.
Just the tiniest whisper from my soul. A flutter in the pain. “Goodnight, Mr Roberts…”
I pressed call end, and Dad’s hand was waiting. He took the phone from me and dismantled it.
He took my laptop cable, too, made me hand it over through floods of tears.
And then he told me to get to fucking bed.
The conversation was done.
And so was I.
***
Helen
The most miserable night in existence, and it lasted forever. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I could hardly bear to breathe. And it hurt, it hurt so bad I could feel it inside me, a physical ball of agony, tight and sore and utterly devastated. I watched the sun come up through the curtains and I didn’t get up, didn’t want to get up. I never wanted to move again.
Mum rapped at the door at some point, but I didn’t even turn to face her. I sobbed at the sound of her voice, and hugged my pillow tight enough that my muscles cramped. I wanted to be smaller, so much smaller I’d disappear, my knees to my chest and the covers up around my ears. One tiny ball of agony sinking into nothing.
“Come on, Helen, love. Please come down… I’ll get you some breakfast, hey? Just a little bit of something. You’ve got to eat, Helen. You’ll feel so much better…”
“It’ll NEVER feel so much better!” My voice was just a sob.
“It feels like that now, love, I’m sure… but it will get better… it will.”
I couldn’t even argue, I didn’t have the fight. “Please leave me alone.”
“Don’t say that, love…”
“LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST GO!” I managed to tip my head in her direction. “Please, Mum, just leave me alone!”
She looked almost as sad as I did when she closed the door.
I heard voices. The boom of Dad’s rage from downstairs, and Mum’s shrieking. I didn’t know what they were saying and I didn’t care. And then later there was more, another voice, and my heart bled fresh pain that stole my breath.
The door opened so softly. Not even a knock.
“Hels?” Lizzie’s voice was a pathetic little whimper. “Hels, can I come in?” A sob caught her throat. “Hels, please. I need to see you…”
I cried. Oh, God, how I cried. I felt her weight on the bed, but I couldn’t face her. I didn’t want to face her.
I cried for a long time and she cried, too.
“Why?” I said. “Why did you do it, Lizzie?!”
I felt her come closer. “I didn’t mean to… Hels, please. I had no choice…”
“There’s ALWAYS a choice!”
“No,” she said. “There wasn’t!” She took a moment. “I didn’t know… about your Dad, on the bus. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t think, Hels, I didn’t even think about it. Me and Rachel got drunk at hers, and then she said we should go out, and it sounded like so much fun. And I was sad, sad about you, and I said yes, and then we got the bus… and…”
“And WHAT?”
“And your dad wanted to know where you were… he said you were with me… and I didn’t know, I just stared… I said you were with Harry, and he went mad, got up from his seat and everything…” I heard her sniff. “He wouldn’t listen to me, I said you were out with friends, from school, or maybe you’d gone home already, I said anything, Hels, but he knew. He knew already.”
“He didn’t KNOW!” I snapped. “He’s a suspicious, snoopy idiot! He always thinks the worst! But he didn’t KNOW! He never KNOWS! You didn’t have to TELL him!”
“I was drunk, Hels! I couldn’t think straight! I just blurted it out! I didn’t even mean to, he just went on and on, and I just said it! And I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Helen!”
And then the thought was there. The horrible thought. “Does Rachel know?! Does she know about me and Mark?!”
“No!” Lizzie said. “She got off the bus, she didn’t hear, I swear! And I wouldn’t tell her what happened, I’d never tell her, Hels! I love you too much!”
“Stop,” I cried. “Just stop.”
“I’m sorry, I swear!” she cried, too, and then she broke, and her arms were around my rigid body, crushing me deeper in the covers. “I was jealous, ok? I was jealous, and lonely, and…”
“Jealous?!” I wriggled away from her. “Why?! We were best friends, Lizzie, besties forever! YOU went off with Rachel, YOU had a new bestie!”
“No!” she sobbed. “I went off with Rachel because she was there. And you weren’t! I waited all week when the Christmas holidays started, ALL week, just waiting… for a call, for a text, for a happy Christmas… for anything… and you didn’t even… you weren’t even…”
“I was in love!” I said. “For fucking real, Lizzie, not some crappy thing that doesn’t mean anything. For real.” My breath hissed and caught. “I would have called! I did call! I called all the next week, to make it up, and you weren’t there, you didn’t want to know! And you had Scottie! You said it was going well! You said you were into him!”
She moved away from me, and there was something wrong, something really wrong. It made me roll to her, even though I was screaming inside. She faced away from me, just crying, her head in her hands, her shoulders hiccupping with the pain.
“I didn’t… Scottie didn’t…” She gulped a breath. “Scottie doesn’t want me, Helen… he never wanted me…”
“But you said…”
“I lied. I’ve only ever been with Scottie once, when he was drunk. He didn’t want me after. Didn’t even want to know me.” Her words were so quiet, so sad. “I lied to sound cool. I wanted to sound cool, ok?”
“But why?! You never needed to sound cool, Lizzie! I’d have loved you anyway, no matter what!”
“But you don’t…” she cried. “You don’t love me like I love you, Helen. You don’t feel the way I feel.”
I felt sick, sick on top of sickness. “I do love you, Lizzie… You’re my best friend…”
“No.” She shook her h
ead. “You don’t love me. Not like that.” She got to her feet, walked to the window and swung it wide. She lit up a cigarette, and I watched her smoke it through teary eyes. She didn’t look like the Lizzie I knew, she looked lost, like a tiny little girl, and she was so sad.
“What’s really going on, Lizzie? What’s going on with you?”
“I’m in love with you,” she said. And I laughed, not out of malice, just because it was so absurd, the icing on the cake of absolute crapness. “Laugh if you want,” she said. “But I do. I wanted you to feel the same, but you never did… you just thought it was silly…”
“You don’t love me, Lizzie, not like that. That’s just…”
“Just what?! Weird? Silly? Funny?”
“No…” I blinked away tears. “Just… I didn’t think… I thought there was Scottie… and it’s just… me… I’m not anyone…”
She laughed, but it was a horrible one. “You’re everything, Hels. You’re cute and you’re funny, and sweet. And you’re weird, in a cool way, and you always try so hard at everything. And you listen, and you care. And you’re so pretty, Helen… you’re really pretty and you don’t even know. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.” She smiled at me. “You think you’re so uncool, you think you’re just some weird kid… but that just makes you even cooler. When I told you about Scottie, you used to believe me, and your eyes would light up and you’d be excited for me, and I loved that. I loved the way you made me feel. It made me feel special…” She wiped away tears. “I thought you’d get over this Mr Roberts stuff, I thought it was safe. I thought we’d go away to uni and you’d be sad, but we’d get through it and maybe then… maybe then you’d feel something…”
“Lizzie…”
She shook her head. “But it did happen… and I tried to be happy… I wanted to be happy! Because you were so happy, Hels.” She choked back a sob. “I loved seeing you so happy, but it made me feel so sad…”
“I never knew… I didn’t know…”
She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now.”