by Marian Wells
With a sigh she straightened and looked toward the house. Is it because Alex is what he is, and I don’t want that? she wondered. He is of a caliber and a determination that I dare not face. I am not woman enough, and I dare not demand he change by stepping down to my level. More than the thought, the earring is a reminder of all he told me, and that makes me uneasy.
This is no ordinary man; he is one of the called out ones. I can want him with all my soul, but I cannot have him because it would destroy us both. Me? I would be destroyed through the sheer pain of straining to lift myself to his level. Olivia looked up and took a deep breath. Having verbalized the hard words to herself, she knew a painful release. “’Tis called acceptance.” She mimicked Sadie’s gentle speech.
****
Her peace lasted a week before it was again attacked. One morning Crystal came into her room as Olivia dressed for the day. Bluntly she said, “We have one more week. I cannot stay here without Matthew, and he says I may not go unless you also go.”
Olivia turned from the mirror, and Crystal said, “Why don’t you do what Alex always does?”
“You mean—”
“Pray about it. Surely you are being stubborn and—”
“You think God will change my mind.” Olivia’s voice echoed the amusement she felt. “Oh, Crystal, do you really think I don’t know my mind?”
Crystal’s face changed. “I don’t understand completely, this praying and such. But I can’t believe you understand God’s will without asking first.”
“You are very young.”
“No younger than you.”
Olivia sighed. “Very well; I shall pray.”
“And what will be the sign that God wants you to go?”
Olivia took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Crystal, there’s something wrong with this. Perhaps the smartest thing we can do right now is to ask Amos for help.” Then she added, “Oh Crystal, this is ridiculous.”
Ignoring her, Crystal rushed on, “Better yet, let’s ask Alex to give us a Bible study. He and Amelia study the Bible together often; perhaps we can join them.”
“They do?” Olivia considered the information and felt the stirring of jealousy. She’s no better than I! She smiled. “You have the privilege of making arrangements.”
Amelia came into the room and looked from Crystal to Olivia. “What kind of arrangements are you making?”
“We’re talking about Bible study,” Crystal said.
Olivia added, “Crystal has such strange ideas about prayer and God’s will.” She looked at Crystal. “Where did you get these ideas?”
Crystal shrugged. “Auntie T. She’s been teaching me to pray and trust God for as far back as I can remember.”
Slowly Amelia said, “Are you certain you remember right? I’m beginning to think most of us twist around our thinking until the good comes out bad and the—well you know.” She added, “Alex has been helping me understand more about God. He won’t mind if you come and listen, too.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Olivia said slowly, considering Amelia’s face. She’s old, but would he care, especially now? Feeling guilty, Olivia smiled and said, “If you don’t mind sharing him with us.”
Amelia looked startled. Studying Olivia’s face, she grinned, “Not at all; I’m certain he’ll be flattered! All these females hanging around. Bring your Bibles down after dinner.”
Olivia looked at her in astonishment. “You have a Bible?”
“Alex bought it for me.”
After dinner, Olivia, carrying her Bible, took her place at the table. She sneaked a glance at Amelia’s Bible. It wasn’t as nice as hers.
Crystal sat down. “I don’t have a Bible.”
Alex came into the room, followed by Caleb. He said, “I’m certain Sadie will let you use hers.”
Olivia studied Caleb as he sat down beside her. “You told Alex all about God; why are you here?”
He grinned. “I’m learning how to read the words. ’Sides, nobody ever gets to the place where he can quit studying God’s Word.”
Crystal asked, “What’s the difference between Bible study and what we did every morning on the boat?”
“That was devotional reading. Now you’re going to be studying it for yourself. This means finding an answer to your questions.”
Matthew came through the kitchen. “I wondered what had happened to everyone.”
“Bible study,” Alex replied. “You’re welcome to join us.”
Matthew shook his head and continued down the hall.
Alex said, “Open your Bibles to the book of John. Find chapter three. Caleb, you’ve been reading this to me every night, how about reading the first three verses.” He looked around the circle, “The rule is, if you have a question, we stop.”
Olivia watched Caleb carefully turn the pages. From the condition of the cover, she guessed the Bible was new, but she noticed some of the pages were beginning to curl.
Caleb found the place and began to read. Olivia concentrated on Caleb’s careful reading, feeling the rise and fall of his rich voice. Now the words found their way into her thoughts. “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
Next Crystal read, “Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”
Just those passages sparked a flurry of questions among them all—except Olivia. When the study ended, and the group closed their Bibles and left the table, Alex said, “Olivia, you didn’t ask one question. Have you studied this in the past?”
She confessed, “No, at least if I did, I don’t remember. To tell the truth, I felt very stupid.”
“Then ask now.”
Trapped, she thought to herself, if you run now, you’ll never whip this silly attitude. “Alex, I was raised in the church. Both Matthew and I. We were baptized into membership at an early age. Now I’m hearing that you have to believe or you perish, that you have to be born again. What does Jesus mean?”
“You sound disturbed.”
“I am. I can’t believe God is so strict—do it My way or die.”
He leafed through the Bible and placed it in front of her. “Does this disturb you?”
“Ask and I’ll receive? Of course not.”
“And this one?”
She moved impatiently, reading the words his finger touched, “‘I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.’” He found another and pointed. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
“Is it fair to expect the good things without dealing with the hard verses? And, Olivia don’t you want the good ones? You obey the hard ones, and the others are yours, too.”
He waited as she got to her feet. “When you want to deal with the hard ones, I’ll be here.”
As Olivia slowly climbed the stairs, she blinked tears out of her eyes, knowing that all her good resolutions were gone, and that she was as miserable as ever.
She muttered, “Acceptance, my dear Sadie, is out of the question.”
Chapter 36
Olivia had her hands in the dishwater when Sadie touched her shoulder, “Thou art going on the boat?”
Olivia nodded.
“But thou aren’t happy,” Sadie continued. “Sometimes love isn’t easy.”
“You know?” Dishwater dripped on the floor.
Sadie looked at the water and nodded.
Olivia turned back to the pan, “I didn’t think—”
“Oh, tut, child.” She sighed, smiled. “But one thing if thou decide for the hard life, thee’ve become good around the kitchen since you’ve come.”
Olivia shivered. “I’ve decided against. I’m just waiting for the agony to go away.”
“That’s a lad any woman would be proud of.” Sadie picked up the towel and they worked in silence.
Finally Olivia spoke. “I suppose I must go carry t
hings down to the Awl. Tomorrow morning is too late for such.”
“Did the menfolk move the cookstove to the main deck?”
“No. It’s cool enough now; we’ll be glad of the fire in the evenings. Matthew and Crystal will have the big cabin; I’ll share my cabin with the stove, and the fellows will be crammed in with the cargo until it’s warm enough to sleep in the pilothouse.”
Sadie nodded. “I’ve dried fruit in abundance. There’s cakes, bread, and pies to get thee on thy way.” Abruptly she said, “My, it’s like having children leave home; we will miss thee all. But we will be praying for thee every day.”
“Praying.” Olivia contemplated the word and sighed. “I thought Bible study would teach us better how to know God’s will by praying. But now I’m more confused than ever. I’m not certain this trip is a good idea, or even that I should go. Amelia has been studying the Bible all winter, but she seems dissatisfied with her lot. And Crystal—” She stopped to think about the shadows she sometimes saw in her friend’s eyes. “I’m not certain about Crystal.”
“I’ve noticed Amelia.” Sadie shook her head. “Seems she’s struggling with a big problem. But then fighting off the old Adam is never easy. We might say we choose to walk with the Lord, but the steps are hard.”
****
Amelia carried the tin of pastries down to the Golden Awl. Studying the sturdy craft, she shuddered as she walked up the gangplank. Alex turned. “Food? That’s generous of Sadie. Mind putting it in the cabin?”
When she came back to the main deck Alex was seated at the old table with a greasy object in his hand. “Did something fall apart?” she asked.
“It’s an extra gear casing. I’m just cleaning it. Who knows what might happen.” She shivered, and he looked at her. “Got something on your mind?”
“Alex, last night you said that repentance means a change of direction, even going back the way we came. But sometimes that is completely impossible.”
“Are you absolutely certain?” His keen eyes studied her. She nodded. He added, “If it is impossible, be assured God will not hold you to the impossible. But Amelia, there’s room for growth in every life. Sometimes what seems impossible is just extremely difficult. God expects even that of us.” Without looking at her, he said, “The greater the sin, the more agonizing the cure. I’ve proved this in my own life.”
“Is God really that way—making it difficult on purpose?”
“I don’t think it’s God so much as man. I don’t know all there is to know about God, but I can look at myself with clearer eyes since I’ve become a follower of His. I see the struggle a Christian has as similar to being lost in the forest. The longer you’ve wandered, the nearer death and despair you will be when you finally get out of the woods. And there’s no way you can take a short-cut.”
“I felt this coming. Say what you mean.”
“Aren’t you working too hard at being the good little servant of Jesus Christ, and ignoring the real life?”
“I’m not certain what you’re saying, but I’ve always understood we prove our relationship with God by doing things for others. Isn’t that what you are doing?”
“I’m very aware of being committed to God’s purposes for my life,” Alex continued, probing the greasy gear. He looked up at Amelia. “But I’m also aware that there’s not one thing I can do to win enough of God’s favor to merit salvation. Amelia, that’s a free gift.”
“Then why don’t I feel as if I have it?”
“Because you either have refused to obey God, or you don’t trust His promise to forgive our sins.”
She got to her feet. “See you when you get back.”
“I hope so, Amelia. We love you.”
“We?” She looked surprised.
“All of us.”
Alex put the gears back together and wiped the grease off his hands. Caleb came aboard with his bag. “About ready to push off?” he asked.
“Just waiting on the rest of them.” Caleb hesitated. “Yes?”
“Miss Olivia coming?”
Alex’s lips twisted. “The last I knew. But—” he shrugged.
“Now you don’t go giving up on her. Didn’t the Lord say she was for you?”
“I guess there’s a possibility I’m not hearing clearly.”
Shaking his head, Caleb climbed the stairs to the cabins.
****
The ice on the Ohio had broken. By March the channel was clear, but the air still carried a nip. The crew soon discovered the hours they could keep the Awl in the water were limited. Each evening they docked early and gathered about the table and stove in the captain’s quarters.
Olivia discovered she had forgotten how circumscribed life was by the boat and their mission. On the first evening, after she had coaxed a suitable meal from the stove and they had eaten, Alex brought his Bible to the table. “We would be most foolish if we didn’t take time to honor God by reading His Word and asking His assistance in this endeavor. Until we have guests, we’ll take turns reading the evening’s Scripture. Olivia, will you please read this passage for us?”
He offered her the Bible and she looked down at the scuffed cover, still warm from his hand. She smoothed the pages and began to read aloud; as she finished, the final verse rose up to confront her. She murmured again, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
Each day they traveled south the air softened and took on the dampness and perfume of home. One evening as they rode at anchor, Olivia left the cabin to stand by the rail. The moon was full, and the brilliance of the night seemed to have inspired all the frogs in the river.
Caleb came out of the cabin and went down to the main deck. Alex followed and started for the stairs, but seeing her he came back to the railing. “Make you homesick?”
She nodded.
“I feel the same way. Another month and it will be getting hot in the rice fields, but right now, with the rice like emerald water and with the flowering trees at their best, it’s wonderful country. Father’s planted osage-orange, peach, and apricot trees along the dikes.”
“Must be beautiful,” Olivia murmured, wondering again how he could choose this present way of life. “Will you go back some day?”
“I don’t know. Father won’t welcome me when he finds out what I’ve been doing.”
“Doesn’t it disturb you to go against his wishes?”
“How do you feel about what you’re doing?”
She turned to the rail, with a light, amused air, she said, “With the moon full, shining on the water like this, I feel it’s nearly a heavenly scene, a highway ordained in heaven, and paved in silver.”
She cocked her head and looked at him. “But seriously, am I trying to justify my actions by thinking so? Or is it possible God places people in situations like this? And do they become a way to fill a role in His scheme of things? Or—”
“Or what?” His voice had deepened and she turned to look at him.
She shrugged and moved down the railing.
“Were you going to add that we fail God? Is that something that concerns you?”
“I—I don’t think so. I haven’t thought that far.”
“But you see the possibility of a situation like this being a holy calling?”
Olivia shook her head and stepped back from the rail. “Of course not. That’s nearly sinful, to think we play that much of a role in this world.”
“You realize that down through the ages, people have been aware of such a high calling?”
“I can’t believe society would regard them as normal people.”
“How did you feel about Harriet Tubman, even about Sadie and Amos Cooper? I think they are very aware of their calling. I believe they feel they dare not fail God.”
She shook her head and turned away. She couldn’t keep the mocking tone out of her voice. “Weighed in the balances and found wanting. Good night, Alex.”
****
Rain had battered the Golden Awl for most of the week
. Each day, as they rode the current and fought to stay in the channel, the Mississippi challenged them and became their foe. On the worst day of the storm, with the clouds boiling black and the lightning flashing, Olivia carried the full pot of coffee to the pilothouse. The rain lashed at her, demanding caution with each step she must take up the slick metal stairs. As the door flew open, she watched Alex and Matthew fight the wheel. The boat was headed into the storm, and the driving rain, coming through the open front of the pilothouse, had drenched them.
“For God’s sake as well as ours!” Matthew roared, “Alex, let’s dock!” Matthew rushed to close the door.
“Impossible!” Alex shouted over the crack of thunder, “We’ll hang it up. There’re several sunken vessels through here. There’s nothing we can do except ride it out until we get below Greenville.” He glanced at Olivia and snapped, “You could have scalded yourself carrying that hot coffee! After this—” his face softened as he quickly turned his attention back to the wheel.
“Where’s Caleb?”
“Went below to help stoke the furnace. Need every bit of power we can get.” She set the pot on the floor and carefully poured coffee into his mug.
Matthew still paced the cabin in short agitated strides. She offered him coffee and he glared at her. “Matt, stop being this way. There’s nothing Alex can do now.”
He turned on her. “Do you realize our chances of coming through this are nearly zero? I tried to get him to lay over last night.”
“It was too shallow there. We’d have beat the bottom out of this rig,” Alex said wearily. “I’m doing the best I can now. If the storm worsens, I’ll wreck the ship rather than risk your lives.”
“What would you do?” Olivia asked.
He gave her a quick glance, “Run it aground. More coffee, please; I’m freezing.”
“I’m going to check on Crystal,” Matthew muttered as he went out the door.
Alex glanced at her. “Either put my slicker on or go down.”
She shook her head. “I’m already wet.”
“And bull-headed like the rest of the family.” He chuckled and she felt as if she’d been patted on the head. Glancing at her, he added, “Aw, don’t take it that way. Sometimes it’s a compliment.”