by Marian Wells
“Secession,” Alex stated. Matthew nodded and Alex slowly said, “Might just be, and it breaks my heart to admit it. But is there another solution?”
Olivia said, “Sadie seems to think if the people would turn to the Lord, war won’t happen. Just before we left, she told me about a report of revival starting in New York City.”
Matthew’s lips twisted as he said, “But my dear sister, you are ignoring one thing. Both North and South think they have God’s will all figured out. In such a situation, who’s going to give? There is a certain rigidity connected with the dogmatic assurance a man has when he’s convinced he knows God’s will better than God himself.”
Chapter 38
From across the room, Olivia watched Alex as he talked. The dark-skinned people pressed closer and seemed to hang on every word he said. Reluctant to cross the room and interrupt the conversation, she focused on his lips and tried to guess his words as she watched the nods and smiles. She heard his low chuckle and turned away with a sigh. Olivia, such jealousy! Whenever he smiles at anyone, you’re wanting it for yourself. Dear Lord, help me!
Through the open door of the cabin she could see Bertie and Caleb outlined against the moonlight. They were standing by the railing with their heads close together. Feeling alone and forgotten, she sat down on her bunk and picked up the tiny garment she had been stitching together for Martha’s child, Ann.
The child watched her from across the room. Olivia smiled and beckoned. “Let’s see if it will fit you,” she whispered.
With her dark eyes shining, Ann touched the bright cloth and asked, “Will I be your girl and fetch for you?”
“My slave? No, Ann, you will be free. I made the dress because I like you, not because you are my slave.”
The child’s eyes were still wide with wonder. Olivia put aside the sewing and took Ann’s hand. “When you go to Canada, you will learn to read and write. Up there, you will go to school with the rest of the children.”
Ann leaned against her knee. “I’ll wear the new dress? I’ve never had a brand new one.” Olivia touched the child’s cheek, feeling the baby softness as she mused on the statement.
The crowd around the table moved away, and Alex crossed the room to crouch beside the child. She climbed on his knee. “Missy is sewing a frock for me, just because she likes me.”
“That’s a good reason,” he agreed. “And I’ve come to tell you that Mama wants you to go to bed right now. Good night.” He kissed her brown face and she scurried away.
“It’s been such a short time, but already the children are beginning to look healthy.” Olivia concentrated on the dress, taking quick stitches.
“What were you thinking? Your face was sad.”
She looked up. “Just now?”
He nodded.
“Ann said she’d never had a new dress. It made me recall an incident I’d nearly forgotten. Years ago, one of the slave children—my favorite playmate—fell in love with my dress. We traded; I’ll never forget the effect—on my mother, on Tissy, and on me.” Olivia gathered up her sewing and went to sit at the table. In a moment Alex followed her. He sat down across from her and toyed with the scissors. The cabin grew dark and he lit the lantern swinging from the ceiling. “This light is not very good for your eyes. Can’t the sewing wait until morning?”
Slowly she folded the bright print as he said, “I don’t mean to pry, but if there’s something you’d like to talk about—” She looked up and he gestured toward his Bible lying on the table.
“Oh, I thought—” She moved her shoulders uneasily and tried to ignore her response to his closeness. She said, “Caleb and Bertie seem—happy.”
He nodded and got up. “Guess I’ll go see if the fish are jumping.”
She watched him walk to the door, and swallowed to get rid of the lump in her throat. Why be so foolish as to think we could be friends now? It is agony, and I am so lonesome.
He stopped in the doorway. “Want to come?”
She nodded, put away the sewing, and came to him. But when she looked at him, she thought his smile seemed cold and his eyes remote. She hesitated and turned away, saying, “I think not.”
“Is it that bad? I’d hoped we could at least be on friendly terms. Olivia, I—” Abruptly he left the cabin.
****
Closing the door, she dropped the latch and prepared for bed, stopping frequently to press her fingers against the tears on her face.
During the night she awakened, sat upright in bed with her heart pounding. Pressing her hands against her face, she tried to remember her dream. It was gone, but the sense of urgency, the panic was still with her.
In the darkness, she fumbled her way to the table and found her Bible. Pressing it to her cheek, she sat on the bench, murmuring, “Why, Lord? Please help me understand.”
The minutes passed. She fumbled for the matches and lit the candle. In the feeble light she turned in her Bible to 1 John and found the verse that had been troubling her. With her finger resting on the paper, she said, “Lord, when I read this verse last week, my mind just flew away from it, but I can’t forget the words. Why?”
She bent close to the page. The troubling uneasiness she had encountered the first time she’d read the words in the third chapter was still there. She whispered, “It says, ‘and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.’ Lord, from the way I feel, I must conclude I’m doing something that isn’t pleasing in your sight. What is it?”
Finally she went to her bunk and knelt beside it. Just as reluctantly, she folded her hands and waited. Confusion tumbled through her thoughts. She could no longer stand the strain. “Lord, You understand these broken thoughts I’m thinking. I can’t understand. I keep thinking of Alex; am I hearing You? Are You telling me I’m not treating him the way I should? Lord, he’s the one who started all this. He kissed me when he had no right.”
Abruptly Olivia remembered that night and the words he had said as he swung her around the room. She settled back on her heels. “He said, ‘It is my lady; Oh, it is my love! Oh, that she knew she were!’”
She covered her face and the confused thoughts merged, reshaped, and marched through her mind with undeniable authority. With a sinking heart, she faced them and admitted, “Love? That is a strange thing. I thought love was to come slowly with friendship and flowers.” She sighed and examined the troubling emotion. Finally she whispered, “I am displeasing You because I won’t let Alex say those things to me. And the reason I won’t is—not because I am afraid of him, but because I am afraid of You.” She trembled, and finally whispered, “I think I know what You will say to me.”
Olivia got to her feet and went to the porthole. She took a deep shaky breath, looking out at the dawning day. “At least I know why I feel this way. And there’s a way I can avoid the agony. I don’t need to stay here; I can return home, and forget about this place, these terrible problems—and him.”
With a yawn, she crawled back into her bunk. Relaxing, she let her thoughts dwell on home. What about Thaddeus? For a moment she winced. Stodgy seemed the word that best fit the man who would never stay rebuffed. Now she visualized herself walking through his plantation home. The gardens, the wide pleasant halls, and the line of dark, smiling faces, seemed to grow increasingly attractive. Strange, how difficult it was to visualize his face.
****
The fresh morning air swept through the pilothouse. Alex lifted his face to the air, breathed deeply, and grasped the wheel more tightly. At the sound of the door opening, he looked over his shoulder. “Caleb, I think I’ve finally come up with a plan. See, what you think of it. I’m still hoping this feeling is just a crazy hunch, not the Lord warning me.”
He paused, tightened his grip on the wheel, and peered at the river and the change in the water. “Might be a pretty good-sized sandbar coming up; what do you think?”
“Could be,” Caleb murmured, following the direction of Alex’s pointing finger. “The channel is plenty wide right here
—just ease to starboard.” They were silent until the shadowed water was behind them. Caleb said, “What about your plan?”
“Won’t be long ’til we get there. Day or night, we’ll need to be prepared when we reach the Coopers. Without a doubt, if there’s a problem, it’ll happen there. My suggestion is that you, Matthew, and Crystal be prepared to stay on the craft, even to take it as far up the Ohio as you can. I have names of stations on the Underground, and I’ll give them to you. Even if I’m not with you, the people can still be safely delivered to Canada.”
Caleb’s brow furrowed. “What you planning on doing?”
“Being a decoy. Olivia and I will get off the boat while you move up the Ohio at half speed. If there’re no problems, we’ll signal you. Look for a light in the attic. If you don’t see it, keep going.”
“You still think you’re being followed, huh?”
“Might be. There’s no sense in worrying about it. We’ll pray and trust the Lord to intervene as He sees fit.”
That evening, after the meal, Alex faced the people, picked up his Bible and read, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” He closed the book and placed it on the table. Watching him, Olivia wondered about the shadows in his eyes.
As he spoke, she looked around the table at the happy smiles and nods. But the shadows in Alex’s eyes gave his words new import. “Peace isn’t a condition, it is a gift from Jesus Christ, given when we accept Him as Lord of our life, as well as Savior. This peace is not related to the peace the world gives. It is planted in our hearts in a divine manner. Possessing this gift, we are obligated to obey the rest of the verse, which is a command. It instructs us to be neither troubled nor afraid. Good night, friends, sleep peacefully.”
Alex stopped beside the bench where Olivia sat. “You aren’t going to have many more days to watch this moon with me. The trip is nearly over, and the full moon is on the wane.”
When Olivia lifted her head, she saw Crystal watching with a gentle, peaceful smile on her face. For a moment Olivia found herself envying that expression. Getting to her feet, she started for the door. “Is it cool out?” she asked, ignoring her quickened pulse and the uneasiness she felt. She chided herself. Olivia, do you ever think of the consequences of your actions?
Alex stopped outside the cabin door and muttered, “Well, Caleb and Bertie have that section of railing. I don’t want to disturb them.”
“We’ll have a better view from the stairs,” Olivia said, pointing to the flight leading up to the pilothouse. She led the way and sat down. Alex sat on the step beneath her.
With his earring nearly on a level with her nose, she studied it and thought of the things he had said about it.
Commitment, he had called it.
His low voice interrupted her thoughts and Olivia tried to recall his first words as he continued. “Matthew seems bored with the whole movement.”
“I’m not too surprised,” she answered. “I didn’t think it was ever a major concern of his.”
Alex was silent a moment. He asked, “What do you think it was in the beginning?”
“A new excitement. Nearly everything in life falls into that category. He could have returned to Harvard last year, but most of us at home could see he was simply bored. Matthew worries me. He is impetuous. Knowing myself, I know how badly he needs the Lord. Sometimes I shudder to think where his impulsive nature could lead.”
Alex sighed. “I’m sorry to hear that. But at least it takes the burden off me.”
Astonished, she leaned forward to peer at him. “Burden! You hold yourself responsible for his actions? Alex, he’s a grown man. I hope you don’t hold yourself responsible for any other people’s failures.”
“Only those I feel personally involved with.” He was silent and she dared not say more on the subject.
In a moment she said, “Under the moon the muddy old Mississippi is beautiful.” He nodded. By moonlight she saw the planes of his face in a way she hadn’t noticed in daylight.
“Do you know you have a stubborn jaw?” she asked. He jerked his head and then she saw the flash of his smile.
“How would you know? It’s hidden under this beard.”
“Is that why you have a beard now? To hide your stubbornness? You didn’t have one in Boston.”
“Boston,” he sighed. “We always come back to that, don’t we?”
“I wasn’t referring to that time,” she snapped. “Alex, I believe you are too sensitive on some subjects. Can’t we just be friends and leave it at that?”
“You know we can’t.”
Olivia stood and Alex came up the step to her. He took her hand and stroked its roughness with his thumb. “I even feel guilty for your dishpan hands.”
“Don’t.” The urge to touch his shoulder was nearly irresistible. She pulled her hand free and stepped away from him.
“You know we should be back to the Coopers’ home in less than a week?”
“I’ve been thinking about that. Alex, I feel bad about staying with them for so long.”
“You needn’t,” he assured her. “I’ve talked it over with them. They’ve let me help with expenses; but in addition, I believe they are sincere when they say we’ve been more help than hindrance. A spare Quaker way of saying they were lonesome and overworked before we came.” She listened to his soft chuckle and yearned again to reach out to him.
He said, “Theirs is a life of true commitment, in the deepest sense.”
That word again. Coupled with obedience, it is an impossible burden. Alex, my dear, I can’t wait to go home and forget you. But one kiss, before I do. He moved down the steps, away from her, and she could breathe easy again. Quickly she ran down the steps and said, “Good night, Alex.”
****
Alex turned to look at Caleb. “One more night and we’ll be at the Coopers’, the Lord willing.”
“Still feeling uneasy about it?” Caleb lifted his head from the map and studied Alex’s face.
“Not since we’ve developed a plan of action.” Alex looked at Caleb. “What about you and Bertie?”
“We want to get married as soon as possible. Legally Bertie is a runaway. That’ll cause problems, won’t it?”
Alex grinned at him. “In the United States, yes. Guess you two can’t complain if you do have to make a trip to Canada.”
Softly, Caleb said, “I was going to bring that up. Suh, I’d be glad to do the job!”
Alex chuckled, “Plan on it. But you will come back, won’t you?”
Caleb nodded. His face was suddenly serious. “Did you tell Olivia our plans?”
“For marriage?”
“No, the other ones.”
Alex’s grin disappeared. “No I haven’t. Day before yesterday I had intended to do so. We got to talking about other things, and I guess I must have said something to rile her. Anyway, there hasn’t been an opportunity since.”
“I’m feeling it’d be best to talk to her as soon as possible,” Caleb said soberly.
“Then send her up. And what about the others?”
“No. I don’t like seeing them frightened when likely we won’t need the plan.”
Alex nodded and Caleb left the pilothouse.
Olivia came with the coffeepot. Alex watched her sober face as she filled his mug and brought it to him. “Hey, why the long face?” he asked.
She looked surprised. “Didn’t know it was.” She smiled, but he saw the shadows were still there.
“Getting tired of traveling?”
“I suppose. Mostly it’s the feeling I need to get on with life.”
“Mind telling me what that means?”
She sighed, “I was afraid you’d ask, and I didn’t want to say anything until I’m ready to go.”
“You’re leaving again? Like last time?”
“No, I really mean it now. Alex, I’m sorry, but I can’t—remember last winter? One m
orning Amelia said something to you. I don’t remember what it was, but your reply was a quotation from Hamlet.”
He nodded. “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” His voice was rough as he finished. He added, “Olivia, that quotation can be an excuse, or a warning.”
“Of what?”
“A reminder of all that God has said to us. Rather than the quotation reflecting a decision to act, it is the natural consequence of all that we are, whether good or bad.”
“And you can judge me bad according to your desires.”
“I choose not to judge you. If my desires were the only thing that counts, you would have been mine long ago.”
She lifted her chin. “And how do you mean that?”
With his heart aching, he breathed, “Any way you want to take it.”
She was out the door and down the stairs before he remembered why she had come.
Chapter 39
Olivia had been gone nearly an hour when Caleb came up to the pilothouse. “How did it go?”
“I didn’t say anything to her.” Alex glanced at Caleb. “I’d every intention of doing so, but forgot. After she left I started thinking about it, and realized it was a risky thing to do.”
Caleb shrugged. “You get off the boat, give your sweetie a kiss, go put a lantern in the window, and that’s all there is to it.”
“That’s what I thought all along.” Alex paused, then slowly added, “But now, thinking and praying, I can only consider the possibility of being attacked. I can’t take the risk of having something happen to Olivia. My plan, which I will tell some of the others tonight, is for me to go alone. I don’t want you to even consider the option of having her along.”
“You can’t go alone,” Caleb protested. “Sure, I know she’s a woman. But if you get hit over the head, someone needs to get help in a hurry. As little as Matthew knows about the boat, I still can’t get along without him. It’s no use, Alex—you’ve got to use her.”
“I know those are good reasons,” Alex said lightly. “But old man, I’m the boss. And in addition, I have the right to do everything in my power to protect the woman I love. Give me that privilege and say no more.”