To my readers who are transgender, I hope this book gives you the tools and resources you need not only to survive but also to thrive. I hope that it will help my trans brothers and sisters embrace their truth, love and accept themselves for who they are. To my readers who are not transgender or who are outside of the LGBTQ+ community, I hope that this book gives you the opportunity to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I hope that it helps you look outside of the box, educate yourself on what it means for someone to be born different from you. We, transgender folk and the greater LGBTQ+ community, have been on this earth just as long as everyone else—and we aren’t going anywhere.
Epilogue
MY SISTER has always been supportive of me, and I have been attached to her since that first day I arrived at Mami and Papi’s house. She’s my best friend, my mentor. She’s always there for me, no matter what. For several years, however, I did not have a relationship with the rest of my family. During that time, I learned what it’s like to spend holidays alone. I learned what it’s like to not have that foundation of support. But I’ve also learned what it’s like to rebuild those relationships, no matter how daunting it might seem.
Now, I am blessed to have the rest of my family in my life again; but I also know that this is not the reality for many of my trans brothers and sisters. We live in a cruel world, one where it can feel like everyone is against us. And many of us get to a point where we feel like we aren’t wanted by anyone at all. This is why family support for the trans community is so important. My sister and I wrote this book to show that, no matter how difficult it might seem, or how scary it might be, it is possible to transition and keep your family close. We wrote this book to show that transitioning doesn’t have to be done alone. We wrote this book to show that it’s a process that the whole family can take on. It’s not an easy process by any means. It’s normal for family members of trans folk to feel confused, to feel a loss, to experience many conflicting emotions all at once. But we also hope that you will do your best to try to understand your loved one. To put your judgments and preconceived understandings about the world aside. Love is love.
NOW, AFTER years of struggle, I can proudly say: I know there’s a future for me. Participating in the creative arts—whether it be modeling, makeup and hair styling, or writing this book—feeds my soul. It gives me the chance to escape, to feel free, to leave all my doubts behind and believe in myself. I know I have the potential to do so much in this world, from continuing to work as an activist to pursuing my interests in acting and modeling, to eventually living my dream and having my own cooking show. I want to be able to use my platform, whatever it may be, to continue to educate and bring awareness to others about what it means to be transgender. I share my story, not just for myself, but for my trans brothers and sisters who are struggling, who are experiencing discrimination and hate. I share my story so that others know that they are not alone. I share my story to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that I am a part of a community of transgender survivors. We have so much to give. We have so much to offer. And so I fight. I fight so that one day, we can shine. And I am grateful to know that no matter what happens, I have someone in my corner: my sister.
Marizol Leyva
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
From Selenis
Back in July 2015, Caitlyn Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair. I was thrilled to see her celebrated after what I can only imagine were years of intense inner struggle. The next day, however, I woke up with a different feeling. I asked myself: What is it about that article and cover that is now making me feel so unsettled? I realized that the reason was because of my sister Marizol and the countless other trans folk I’d met throughout the years. People unable to afford surgeries if they wanted them. People without access to hormones and qualified, caring doctors. People without glamour teams and designers at their beck and call. And especially, people with no opportunity to grace the cover of an influential magazine. I realized that this kind of representation, while positive for Caitlyn, was dangerous for those without the resources: what happens to those trans folk who don’t fall into this specific category of glamorous, rich, and famous? The decision to write this book came from a place of wanting to share a realistic account of what it means to be transgender—specifically, what it means to be a transgender person of color of modest means. I am indebted to those who helped make this story heard.
To my parents, who have always been incredibly supportive of all of us. There are no words to express how much they are loved and appreciated. To my daughter, Alina, who from day one has filled my life with more joy than I ever thought possible. To my siblings—Isa, Tony, and Tito—for their loyalty and support. To my sisters-in-law, Melodie and Ambar, for their words of encouragement and acts of kindness during some really difficult times.
I want to thank my sister Marizol for agreeing to share her story. For taking this huge leap of faith with me. It was a lot to ask, but I knew her story needed to be shared. Hers is a story filled with flaws and imperfections, but also honesty. It’s a story that can educate and save lives, help families, friends, and communities better understand the trans experience. My sister’s courage has made me a better human, and for that I am deeply grateful.
From Marizol
I remember when my sister asked me if I wanted to write a book about my experience coming out as a trans woman and all of the struggles we, trans folk, experience. Immediately, I thought, Wow, me? Write a book? No way! But most of my hesitation came from the simple fact that I’d never been fully open with anyone about all that I’d been through. I told her I needed some time, and after several days of reflection, I couldn’t stop thinking about my trans brothers and sisters—especially those whose voices aren’t usually heard. We share so many unfortunate experiences, and so few people outside of our community understand the hardships we face. This was a chance to educate others and be a source of support for so many trans folk who feel like they have none. I knew I couldn’t let this opportunity to share our story pass me by. Right away, I called Seli: “Yes, Sis! I’m on board!”
To my sister, who has never given up on me, even in times when I’d given up on myself. Sis, you are one incredible woman! Where do I even begin? Thank you a million for always having my back and giving me a sense of hope. Time and time again, you’ve given me the will to fight, even when you were struggling to fight for yourself. Thank you for your kindness and your heart, for your generosity and advice, for your tough love.
To my parents—my king and queen—thank you for your constant, unfailing love and support. Thank you for opening your doors to me at just one month old and making me your own. I don’t want to even think of what my life would have been if you hadn’t taken me in. Thank you for your compassion and forgiveness and understanding, especially in the face of my past mistakes. I am forever appreciative and indebted to you. Mami and Papi, te quiero mucho!
To my siblings: Tony, Tito, and Isa. I know things haven’t been all gravy, but no one is perfect. I want to thank you for being there and for having an open heart no matter what. To my sisters-in-law Melodie and Ambar, thank you for your love and understanding. Tony and Ambar, thank you for opening your doors to me when I needed it most. To my nieces and nephew, you are a part of why I continue to fight! You lift me up in ways you can’t even imagine. Your smiles and laughs and bad jokes brighten my darkest days. You are all so appreciated and loved! And to my biological sister: I hope that this book helps you better understand a bit more of who I am. You found me two years ago and we still haven’t met. I hope that we do soon, and I hope that we can build a relationship.
I am deeply grateful to the Ali Forney Center for providing me with a stable foundation, a safe space to learn and grow, and the tools to fully realize my potential. I don’t know where I’d be today without your inclusive, supportive community.
From Both of Us
Many, many thanks to Laurie Smith for jumping on this ride and believing in the project from the
beginning. To David R. Patterson and everyone at Stuart Krichevsky Literary Agency for their excitement for our story. To Peter Sample for his never-ending hard work and advice. To Kelli Jones and Stacey Rodriguez for their insight and enthusiasm. To the executive, editing, and production teams at Hachette Book Group and Bold Type Books who gave us this platform, especially: Katy O’Donnell for her guidance and encouragement, Kleaver Cruz for his touching handwritten note that helped us seal the deal, Beowulf Sheehan for our beautiful cover, and Pete Garceau for the artwork. To Evelyn Cruz, Marisol Solis, and Corey Tuttle for helping us look our best. To Kaitlin Carruthers-Busser, Christina Palaia, Lisa Rivlin, and everyone else involved who made our vision possible. We’d like to especially acknowledge Emily Chammah for her talent and dedication in working with us on this book. We could not have done this without her.
And finally—thank you to all of the agencies and organizations who dedicate their time to be a place of refuge, guidance, and support for the LGBTQ+ community, especially the Ali Forney Center, the Anti-Violence Project, and the Stonewall Community Foundation. And to all those brave enough to walk and live in their truth: we celebrate you.
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Marizol Leyva is a transgender model, cook, and activist from the Bronx. She has been featured in a cooking segment for Telemundo’s Adictivo TV and in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Latina Magazine, Time magazine’s Motto, and People magazine’s Latina Love Project Series. Together with Selenis, she was awarded the Anti-Violence Project’s 2016 Courage Award and the Stonewall Community Foundation’s 2016 Vision Award for inspiring visibility, advocacy, and outspoken support for the transgender community.
Selenis Leyva is an award-winning American actress known for her roles as Gloria Mendoza in the Netflix hit series Orange Is the New Black and as Gabi Cañero in the Disney Plus original Diary of a Future President. In addition to her film and television credits, Selenis is an outspoken activist for LGBTQ+ rights and often is invited to college campuses to speak on diversity and inclusion. Together with Marizol, she was awarded the Anti-Violence Project’s 2016 Courage Award and the Stonewall Community Foundation’s 2016 Vision Award for inspiring visibility, advocacy, and outspoken support for the transgender community. She has been featured in publications such as Splinter, the Huffington Post, Time magazine’s Motto, and People magazine’s Latina Love Project Series. She lives in New York City.
LGBTQ+ RESOURCES FOR READERS
This list is by no means exhaustive, but we hope that readers will find the support and resources they and their loved ones need through the services provided by the organizations below. We have included local and national organizations; in many cases, the national organizations have state-by-state guides on their websites.
Community and Family Support
The Center
gaycenter.org
(212) 620-7310
The Center offers a variety of arts, entertainment, and cultural programs for LGBTQ+ individuals, in addition to serving as a community organizing space. It also offers HIV and AIDS support, individual and group counseling, health referrals, and insurance enrollment help.
The Audre Lorde Project
alp.org
(212) 463-0342 (Manhattan)
(718) 596-0342 (Brooklyn)
The Audre Lorde Project is a community center for lesbian, gay, bisexual, two-spirit, transgender, gender nonconforming, and queer people of color in New York City. It is dedicated to advocacy, coalition building, and community organizing to achieve equality and liberation.
LGBT Community Center Directory
lgbtcenters.org/lgbtcenters
CenterLink’s LGBT Community Center Directory is a list of 256 LGBTQ+ community centers around the world that offer various services such as health care, counseling, and youth programs.
FIERCE
fiercenyc.org
(646) 336-6789
FIERCE is a membership-based organization in New York City open to LGBTQ+ youth of color ages thirteen to twenty-four. FIERCE members gain access to political organizing workshops, leadership development training, community events, and arts and culture programs.
PFLAG
pflag.org
(202) 467-8180
PFLAG has many chapters across the US and provides support and education for family members, friends, and allies of LGBTQ+ individuals through peer-to-peer meetings and online outreach.
TransParent
transparentusa.org
TransParent is an organization dedicated to connecting the parents of transgender and gender nonconforming children and teens. They host meetings throughout the US and equip parents with the resources needed to be as affirming, educated, and supportive as possible.
Legal Rights and Advocacy
GLAAD
glaad.org
GLAAD advocates for better depictions of LGBTQ people in media, helping to pave the way for cultural change and acceptance. Their Media Reference Guide offers tools for journalists, creators, and others who wish to portray LGBTQ people fairly and accurately.
Lambda Legal Help Desk
lambdalegal.org
(212) 809-8585 (National Headquarters)
Lambda Legal’s Help Desk provides information regarding LGBTQ- or HIV-based discrimination, though it cannot offer legal advice. Those in need of assistance may call their regional office to be connected with a Help Desk representative.
Sylvia Rivera Law Project
srlp.org
(212) 337-8550
The Sylvia Rivera Law Project offers legal support (help with name changes, IDs, immigration, and more) for transgender, gender nonconforming, and/or intersex people. Under “Resources,” they also provide guides to healthcare and immigration rights.
Transgender Law Center
transgenderlawcenter.org
(510) 587-9696
The Transgender Law Center offers guides to transgender individuals’ rights in areas such as employment, health, immigration, policing, housing, and more.
Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund
tldef.org/work_show.php?id=7
The Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund’s Name Change Project connects low-income transgender individuals with pro bono attorneys to assist with legal name changes.
Shelters
Ali Forney Center
aliforneycenter.org
(212) 222-3427
The Ali Forney Center provides housing, basic necessities, and supportive services (medical care, counseling, case management, and more) for homeless LGBTQ+ youth at their Drop-In Center in Manhattan.
Resources by State—The Ali Forney Center
aliforneycenter.org/get-help/resources-by-state
The Ali Forney Center hosts a list of organizations offering services to LGBTQ+ individuals outside of New York City, including shelters, community centers, and food pantries.
Casa Ruby
casaruby.org
(202) 355-5155
Casa Ruby offers housing (their free shelter is available 24-7, year-round), case management, preventative health care, and immigration services for LGBTQ+ individuals in the Washington, DC, metropolitan area.
Los Angeles LGBT Center
lalgbtcenter.org
The Los Angeles LGBT Center provides housing, health care, counseling, job training, immigration rights help, community activities, and other services for LGBTQ+ individuals in the Los Angeles area.
Health Care, Social Services, and Support
Ali Forney Center’s Onsite Medical Clinic
aliforneycenter.org/programs/health-services
(212) 222-3427
The Ali Forney Center partners with the Institute for Family Health to offer HIV and HEP C testing, HIV/AIDS treatment, STI treatment, hormone replacement therapy (HRT), birth control, and other health-care services four days a week in Manh
attan (see site).
Callen-Lorde Community Health Center
callen-lorde.org
(212) 271-7200
The Callen-Lorde Community Health Center offers sensitive, comprehensive health care to the New York City LGBTQ+ community regardless of one’s ability to pay, including adolescent, HIV, men’s, women’s, transgender, mental, oral, and sexual health services.
National Center for Transgender Equality
transequality.org/know-your-rights/health-care
The National Center for Transgender Equality offers a guide to transgender health-care rights, transition-related care, and health-care enrollment, as well as “Know Your Rights” guides on subjects from airport security to employment to immigration documents and beyond.
Hetrick-Martin Institute
hmi.org
(973) 722-5060
The Hetrick-Martin Institute offers services for LGBTQ+ youth and allies (ages thirteen to twenty-four) at their locations in New York City, NY, and Newark, NJ, including counseling, case management, meals, an on-site pantry, job readiness programs, and arts and culture programs.
National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network
nqttcn.com
The National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network hosts a list of queer and transgender therapists of color around the country, as well as a list of resources for LGBTQ+ individuals.
LGBTQ+ Services—The Door
door.org/programs-services/lgbtq
(212) 941-9090 (Main)
The Door offers a wide range of services for young people in New York City, including meals, health care, legal support, counseling, job training, and LGBTQ-specific programs.
Anti-Violence Project
avp.org/get-help/get-support
(212) 714-1141
The Anti-Violence Project provides short-term counseling and legal support in the five boroughs of New York City. They also offer a 24-7, year-round crisis intervention hotline for those who are LGBTQ+, HIV-affected, and/or survivors of violence.
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