"But--"
He held up his hand for me to stop, and again the loveliness of his smile washed over me. "Caro." But he was not confusing Caro with me. "I am at that place where the wall between here and hereafter is so tenuous that it is no longer a barrier. Caro will tell me when it is the right time. She will let me know. Vicky, are you hearing me?"
"No," I said flatly.
He reached out with one frail hand and pressed the button that raised the head of the bed. When he was in a half-sitting position he said sternly, "You may not think you are hearing me, but you will not forget. When I am on the other side you will remember, and you will be able to let me go."
"No--" My whisper was so faint it was almost inaudible.
Grandfather's voice was quiet but strong. "Empty yourself, Vicky. You're all replete with very thee."
No, no. Not with me. With darkness.
Grandfather reprimanded. "You have to give the darkness permission. It cannot take over otherwise."
But I hadn't given it permission. It had come, as suddenly and unexpectedly as death had come and taken the child in my arms.
"Vicky, do not add to the darkness."
I stood at the hospital bed, still alien in Grandfather's study, and looked at him, thin and translucent as an El Greco--
Where had I thought that before?
At Commander Rodney's funeral.
I heard him and I did not hear him.
"Vicky, this is my charge to you. You are to be a light-bearer. You are to choose the light."
"I can't ..." I whispered.
"You already have. I know that from your poems. But it is a choice which you must renew now."
I couldn't speak.
He reached out and drew me to him, kissing me gently on the forehead. "I will say it for you. You will bear the light." He kissed me again. "Now go." He lowered the bed and closed his eyes.
Rob was waiting for me, hovering anxiously. "Mother's made you some cafe au lait."
Blindly I followed him. Everybody was on the porch. So it must still be early. The sun struck violently against the ocean. How can anyone bear the light? It burns, burns.
I couldn't drink the coffee. I took a sip and another wave of nausea swept over me and I put my hand over my mouth, gagging.
Daddy took my temperature.
What for? I didn't have any fever.
Only darkness, and darkness is cold. And maybe it's better than the burning of the light.
The phone rang. Suzy went for it.
"That was Leo, to see how you are. Zachary called, too."
I made no response.
"It's time to go to work. John, aren't you going to be late?"
"I'm not expected for a while."
"I thought Dr. Zand had such a thing about promptness."
"She doesn't expect me till later this morning."
"Well, Jacky expects me to be on time, and I'm going."
Mother brought me a cup of tea, sweetened with honey, and I managed to sip at that.
The screen door opened and Adam came in. "Hey, those little birds are all sitting on the roof and squawking for breakfast."
John asked, "Jeb?"
"Nora says he opened his eyes. There's hope. Vicky, come along to the station with me."
I wanted to emerge from the darkness into consciousness, and I couldn't. I couldn't even answer him. I opened my mouth and nothing came out.
Vaguely I heard John saying, "I really don't think she can ride her bike."
I heard them talking, John and Adam, Mother and Daddy, but I heard only snatches. I heard Daddy saying that he wasn't going to take Grandfather to the hospital again, or give him more blood transfusions, and I knew what that meant, though I couldn't formulate it in words. Then they were talking about me.
Adam's voice: " ... sounds crazy, because I swore her to secrecy about my project ... real thing with dolphins, especially ..."
Daddy: " ... worth a try ..."
Mother: " ... but she might ... careful ..."
John: " ... never get her in her bathing suit ..."
A kaleidoscope of sound, shifting patterns, but the patterns made no sense.
I tried to listen, to let the pieces of the kaleidoscope fall into shape.
John was saying something about my bathing suit again.
Adam--or was it Grandfather? no, it couldn't be--replied, "Never mind. Just get her in the car."
"Why not right here?"
"She can't call them in this condition, and they may come more easily in the usual place."
"It's worth a try. D'you think she'll swim?"
"I'll swim with her."
"Think you can manage?"
"I'll manage."
John's anxious voice: "I'd better come."
A blur of John, Daddy, Mother.
And at the end, Adam's voice: "No. Just Vicky and me."
I heard their words hitting at me like tacks being hammered in. But there was no meaning to the words.
There was no meaning.
To me.
To Adam.
To Adam and me.
He was right.
Wrong.
Right place.
Wrong time.
I'm too young and the world is too old a degenerate white dwarf "Vicky!"
I felt them propel me out of the house and into the car.
I heard Adam telling Mother and Daddy not to worry.
I heard John saying it would be all right.
I heard Rob reassuring me once more that the little birds were flying.
I heard the phone ring, shrilling across the darkness.
Suzy wasn't there to run for it.
John and Adam, holding me between them, stood still, waiting.
Daddy came to us. Jeb had regained consciousness. He was going to be all right.
What for? Why be conscious in a world like this?
Why bother
it doesn't matter
because nothing matters Somehow or other I was in the front seat of the station wagon beside Adam.
We drove through darkness and a horrible silence
and then I was standing on the beach because Adam took me and pulled me out of the car and across the road and down the path "Take off your clothes," he said.
I felt him pulling my shirt off over my head, roughly ripping dropping my shorts on the sand pushing me into the ocean through the small waves into the breakers
a blue-green comber curled and fell and went over me mouthful of salt and sand Adam's arm around me in a strong grip over my shoulder, across, under my other arm he was swimming
and I with him
automatically moving my legs in a scissors kick
swimming
forever
into timeless darkness
Surrounded
by flashing silvery bodies tossed up into the air
caught
held between the sleekness of two dolphins holding me but not hurting holding and swimming
and then leaping with me up into the air Basil and Norberta leaping into joy with me between them
and before us and behind us and beside us the others of the pod flashing and leaping and I was being passed from pair to pair And I knew they were trying to bring me out of the darkness and into the light, but the darkness remained because the light was too heavy to bear Then I sensed a withdrawing the pod moving away from me not out to sea, but away, swimming backward and looking at me, so that I was in the center of a circle but I was not alone
Norberta was with me
Suddenly she rose so that her flipper was raised, and then she brought it down, wham, on my backside Ouch!
I submerged, down into the strange green darkness of sea, shot through with ribbons of gold gulping sea water
choking
rising, sputtering, up into the air into the blazing blue of sky and Njord was there, nudging me, and laughing as I choked and spat out salt water, coughing and heaving And the light no longer bore down on me
but was light
and Njord nudged and poked and made laugh noises and I grabbed his fin and he soared into the air.
And I played with Njord.
The pod began to sing, the same alien alleluias I had heard first from Basil, then from Norberta and Njord, and the sound wove into the sunlight and into the sparkles of the tiny wavelets and into the darkest depths of the sea.
One last alleluia and they were gone, leaving Basil and Norberta to watch Njord and me play.
And then they were gone, too, flashing out to sea, their great resilient pewter bodies spraying off dazzles of light, pure and endless light.
I watched them until they disappeared into the horizon.
Then I turned and swam into shore.
Adam was at the beach ahead of me, standing on his head.
I body-surfed in, stood up, shaking water, and splashed in to meet him.
He flipped over onto his feet and I looked at him wonderingly. "I called you--"
"And I came," he said.
I moved toward him and we were both caught and lifted in the light, and I felt his arms around me and he held me close.
GOFISH
QUESTIONS FOR THE AUTHOR
MADELEINE L'ENGLE
What did you want to be when you grew up?
A writer.
When did you realize you wanted to be a writer?
Right away. As soon as I was able to articulate, I knew I wanted to be a writer. And I read. I adored Emily of New Moon and some of the other L. M. Montgomery books and they impelled me because I loved them.
When did you start to write?
When I was five, I wrote a story about a little "gurl."
What was the first writing you had published?
When I was a child, a poem in CHILD LIFE. It was all about a lonely house and was very sentimental.
Where do you write your books?
Anywhere. I write in longhand first, and then type it. My first typewriter was my father's pre-World War I machine. It was the one he took with him to the war. It had certainly been around the world.
What is the best advice you have ever received about writing?
To just write.
What's your first childhood memory?
One early memory I have is going down to Florida for a couple of weeks in the summertime to visit my grandmother. The house was in the middle of a swamp, surrounded by alligators. I don't like alligators, but there they were, and I was afraid of them.
What is your favorite childhood memory?
Being in my room.
As a young person, whom did you look up to most?
My mother. She was a storyteller and I loved her stories. And she loved music and records. We played duets together on the piano.
What was your worst subject in school?
Math and Latin. I didn't like the Latin teacher.
What was your best subject in school?
English.
What activities did you participate in at school?
I was president of the student government in boarding school and editor of a literary magazine, and also belonged to the drama club.
Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Night owl.
What was your first job?
Working for the actress Eva Le Gallienne, right after college.
What is your idea of the best meal ever?
Cream of Wheat. I eat it with a spoon. I love it with butter and brown sugar.
Which do you like better: cats or dogs?
I like them both. I once had a wonderful dog named Touche. She was a silver medium-sized poodle, and quite beautiful. I wasn't allowed to take her on the subway, and I couldn't afford to get a taxi, so I put her around my neck, like a stole. And she pretended she was a stole. She was an actor.
What do you value most in your friends?
Love.
What is your favorite song?
"Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes."
What time of the year do you like best?
I suppose autumn. I love the changing of the leaves. I love the autumn goldenrod, the Queen Anne's lace.
Which of your characters is most like you?
None of them. They're all wiser than I am.
READ THE ENTIRE
Austin Family Chronicles
MEET THE AUSTINS
For a family with four kids, two dogs, assorted cats, and a constant stream of family and friends dropping by, life in the Austin family home has always been remarkably steady and contented. When a family friend suddenly dies, the Austins open their home to an orphaned girl, Maggy Hamilton. The Austin children--Vicky, John, Suzy, and Rob--do their best to be generous and welcoming to Maggy. Vicky knows she should feel sorry for Maggy, but having sympathy for Maggy is no easy thing. Maggy is moody and spoiled; she breaks toys, wakes people in the middle of the night screaming, discourages homework, and generally causes chaos in the Austin household. How can one small child disrupt a family of six? Will life ever return to normal?
978-0-312-37931-5, $6.99 US/$7.99 Can.
THE MOON BY NIGHT
As if simply being fourteen-years-old weren't bad enough--what with the usual teenage angst and uncertainty--Vicky Austin's always comforting and reliable home life is changing completely. Her brother John is going off to college in the fall. Maggy has gone to live with her legal guardian. And the rest of Vicky's family is moving from their quiet house in the country to the heart of New York City. But before the big move, the entire Austin family is taking a meandering trip across the country in their station wagon, stopping to camp along the way, with no set schedule and not a single night of camping experience among them. Wild animal attacks. Life-threatening natural disasters. Cute boys on the prowl. Anything can happen in the great outdoors.
978-0-312-37932-2, $6.99 US/$7.99 Can.
THE YOUNG UNICORNS
The Austins are trying to settle into their new life in New York City, but their once close-knit family is pulling away from each other. Their father spends long hours working alone in his study. John is away at college. Rob is making friends with people in the neighborhood: newspaper vendors, dog walkers, even the local rabbi. Suzy is blossoming into a vivacious young woman. And Vicky has become closer to Emily Gregory, a blind and brilliant young musician, than to her sister Suzy. With the Austins going in different directions, they don't notice that something sinister is going on in their neighborhood--and it's centered around them. A mysterious genie appears before Rob and Emily. A stranger approaches Vicky in the park and calls her by name. Members of a local gang are following their father. The entire Austin family is in danger. If they don't start telling each other what's going on, someone just might get killed.
978-0-312-37933-9, $6.99 US/$7.99 Can.
A RING OF ENDLESS LIGHT
After a tumultuous year in New York City, the Austins are spending the summer on the small island where their grandfather lives. He's very sick, and watching his condition deteriorate as the summer passes is almost more than Vicky can bear. To complicate matters, she finds herself as the center of attention for three very different boys. Zachary Grey, the troubled and reckless boy Vicky met last summer, wants her all to himself as he grieves the loss of his mother. Leo Rodney has been just a friend for years, but the tragic loss of his father causes him to turn to Vicky for comfort--and romance. And then there's Adam Eddington. Adam is only asking Vicky to help with his research on dolphins. But Adam--and the dolphins--may just be what Vicky needs to get through this heartbreaking summer.
978-0-312-37935-3, $6.99 US/$7.99 Can.
TROUBLING A STAR
The Austins have settled back into their beloved home in the country after more than a year away. Though they had all missed the predictability and security of life in Thornhill, Vicky Austin is discovering that slipping back into her old life isn't easy. She's been changed by life in New York City and her travels around the country while her old friends seem to have stayed the same. So Vicky finds herself
spending time with a new friend, Serena Eddington--the great-aunt of a boy Vicky met over the summer. Aunt Serena gives Vicky an incredible birthday gift--a month-long trip to Antarctica. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. But Vicky is nervous. She's never been away from her family before. Once she sets off though, she finds that's the least of her worries. She receives threatening letters. She's surrounded by suspicious characters. Vicky no longer knows who to trust. And she may not make it home alive.
978-0-312-37934-6, $6.99 US/$7.99 Can.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
A Wrinkle in Time, 978-0-312-36754-1
A Wind in the Door, 978-0-312-36854-8
A Swiftly Tilting Planet, 978-0-312-36856-2
Many Waters, 978-0-312-36857-9
An Acceptable Time, 978-0-312-36858-6
Available at your local bookstore, or visit
www.squarefishbooks.com.
A RING OF ENDLESS LIGHT. Copyright (c) 1980 by Crosswicks, Ltd. All rights reserved.For information, address Square Fish, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
An Imprint of Macmillan
Excerpts from Messengers of God: Biblical Portraits and Legends by Elie Wiesel, translated by Marion Wiesel, copyright (c) 1976 by Elie Wiesel.
Square Fish and the Square Fish logo are trademarks of Macmillan and are used by Farrar, Straus and Giroux under license from Macmillan.
Originally published in the United States by Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Square Fish logo designed by Filomena Tuosto
First Square Fish Edition: September 2008
www.squarefishbooks.com
eISBN 9781466814196
A Ring of Endless Light Page 26