Author Anonymous: A True Story
Page 30
Lying in the same bed with my husband after a month is awkward, but if there’s a chance to save this marriage, maybe its worth taking. I don’t expect for it to be easy and painless, but I don’t think it could be any worse than the agony I’ve already put myself through. Perhaps the passage from the book is true, and if so, then I must love Landon. I just need to work my way back to being in love.
I lay my head on the pillow next to my husband and stare at the back of his head. Silence fills the room, and for some reason, it allows me to breathe peacefully, giving me hope that maybe this is the end to our nightmare.
“Tor.” Landon’s voice is loose and uneven.
“Yeah?”
A long pause spans.
“I fucked Chelsea tonight.”
“And in the end, we were all just humans . . . drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”
~ Christopher Poindexter
(Two Months Later)
I once swallowed a bottle of pills. I was a freshman in college. Trey found me hours later passed out in my dorm and rushed me to the emergency room. I was forced to drink activated charcoal. I’ll never forget that night. But it’s not what happened that night that I won’t ever forget—it’s what didn’t happen.
You see, Trey had called my mother when we arrived at the hospital. He told her what was going on. He told her the campus police were there along with the hospital’s psychiatrist. He told her I was scared and crying. He told her that her only daughter tried to kill herself by downing a bottle of pills.
And you know what she did?
Nothing.
She lived fewer than ten minutes away from the hospital, and she never even bothered to come.
Instead, she tucked herself in bed and went to sleep.
It’s one of many examples of how I was neglected.
These are the things I’ve been discussing with my new therapist. Along with marriage therapy with Landon, I see another doctor for individual sessions. It’s the only way I can work on myself without lying.
I’ve never told Landon about Alec, and I’ve never questioned Landon about Chelsea. We both woke up that next morning and told each other that we wanted things to work between us. We said that we would leave the past in the past, we promised to never look back, and vowed to move forward. Needless to say, Chelsea no longer works at the restaurant.
I never understood why I did what I did, but after two months of intensive therapy, I’ve come to realization that I’m an attention seeker.
We focus on my past, talking about what life was like for me as a child, as a teenager, and as a young adult before my mother died. I grew up in the shadows of my big brother, the one who made straight A’s, the one with determination and lofty goals everyone knew he would accomplish. He was praised and bragged about by so many.
I was always jealous of him—I resented him in many ways.
I yearned for someone to take notice of me, so I rebelled. I did what I could to get the attention I was lacking, but nothing worked. I would break curfew, and nobody said a word. My sweet sixteen came, and my mother skipped town for vacation, leaving me home by myself. I dated an asshole who threw his fist into me more times than I can count, and nobody saw. I excelled at sports, but nobody ever came to my meets. And in my most desperate cry for attention, I swallowed a bottle of pills, and nobody even cared.
When life became all about the kids and Landon’s restaurant catapulted into success, I turned to the first thing that fell into my lap and showed me a little attention. Alec gave me more than what I could handle. He overloaded me with attention and took care of me the way one would with their child—he was the protector and guardian I’d been missing my whole life. It’s no wonder I became utterly and soul-consumingly addicted to him.
With each revelation I make in coming to understand why I made the choices I made, I think about how I used Alec for attention and ask myself: Had I fooled myself into thinking I’d fallen in love with him or was the love I felt genuine? It’s the constant debate of reality versus fantasy.
Were my feelings real or illusory?
Regardless of the answer, they were intense.
I’ve been trying not to compare Landon to Alec, which is a struggle I deal with daily. I do what I can to push Alec out of my mind as Landon and I work to rebuild our marriage. We read books, we go on dates, and we try new things in bed, but often my mind drifts back to my time in the loft.
Alec’s not someone I’ll forget, but a part of me wishes I could. I often pray at night that his face will fade away because it hurts too much to know he actually existed, and that for a moment, he was mine.
Or was he?
I guess I’ll never know the truth behind the fantasy, and because of that, it’s the fantasy that will live on within me. He imprinted my soul, and no matter what I do or how far I tuck him into my memory, he’ll always be a part of my past, a part of my story—a part of me.
But I made my choice, and I chose Landon.
I don’t know if we’ll make it, if we can survive all the damage we’ve done, but we take it day by day.
It’s my hope to fall back in love with my husband, and I’m committed to doing everything I can to fix myself and mend my heart back with his.
(Six Months Later)
Leaving the drugstore, I rip the packaging open and toss it into the trash can before getting into my car.
It only takes a few minutes to complete the activation process.
Endorphins burst in my veins, sending a current of electricity through my bloodstream.
My heart races with each button pushed.
I listen to the rings as my skin pricks with anticipation.
“Hello?”
I’m already high.
“God, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Victoria.”
Everything I’ve been missing, the rush, the excitement, the sparking ember in my heart, it all erupts in a blazing fire from his voice alone.
Neither one of us speaks, only the sounds of our breaths filling the space between us pass the seconds by.
“I can’t do this,” he says, extinguishing everything he just set ablaze. “I can’t go down this road again. Whatever phone you’re calling me from, throw it the fuck away.”
“Alec, please.”
“I loved you, Victoria. I really did.”
And then the line goes dead.
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
-Pablo Neruda
FROM THE AUTHOR
Thank you for reading Author Anonymous: A True Story.
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ALERT ME!
First and foremost, thank you, Anonymous! Thank you for trusting
me with your darkest secrets, thank you for choosing me to be the one to tell your story, and thank you for believing in me. Getting to know you through this process has been a joy and an honor and an experience I will never forget.
Now, let’s keep this short and sweet:
My husband, thank you for your never-ending support.
Lisa and Ashley, my amazing editors, thank you for continuing to help me grow as a writer and encouraging me as an artist.
Sally, you are my left hand and my left brain, and I don’t know what I would do without you!
Jennifer, thank you for never shying away from being honest.
Nina, I’m sure you thought I was crazy when I asked you to represent Anonymous by being on the cover. You are stunning on the outside and simply beautiful on the inside. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect book cover. THANK YOU!
Adrianne, Kathryn, Veronica, Lisa, and Andrea—you know exactly why!
To the bloggers, fans, and my Little Black Hearts, none of this would be possible without your consistent support. “Thank you” will never be enough for what you give me, but it’s all I have, so THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart—THANK YOU!
Other Titles by E.K. Blair
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