Transformation

by Rosemary Nourse

  "No, it's more than that. I looked nothing like this back home, actually I was very unattractive. I was in a serious car accident and when I woke up in the hospital, I looked like this. I think it was a miracle, something that I'll never be able to fully comprehend or explain. I don't know if this gift will stay with me or not, but because of it, my entire life has changed. It wouldn't be fair or right if I didn't tell you about this because it was the most significant turning point in my existence. And you have to know this about me, just in case..." she was losing steam, especially upon seeing the expression on his face.

  "In case of what?"

  "That I wake up one day and I'm back to the way I used to be. I don't know... I realize this sounds bizarre, but it's the truth."

  "Bizarre isn't the word for it. I don't quite understand, you're telling me that you were physically ugly, then you were in a major accident and woke up beautiful?"

  "Basically, yes," she replied quietly.

  "That's called surgery, you probably had extensive reconstructive surgery from the accident and a loss of memory," he logically explained the situation.

  "No, I didn't have any memory loss or surgery."

  "But you wouldn't remember those things if you'd been drinking, that would also explain how you got into the accident," he argued, beginning to feel shaken.

  "No, I wasn't drunk, I have never been a drinker. I was driving while extremely upset," she retorted loudly, starting to experience desperation.

  "The mind is very powerful, emotional trauma could have blocked out time or events taking place after your crash," he replied almost coldly as he tried to draw rational conclusions.

  Tears of frustration welled in her large eyes, "no Tray, I was rational and coherent, I did not lose blocks of time and I am certain that I didn't have plastic surgery. I told you what happened."

  "I've never heard anything like this," he stood up suddenly, pacing in front of her, "I, I don't know what to think."

  "The best explanation I have is divine intervention and Katherine," she managed to get the words out of her closing throat.

  His head was whirling as his mind attempted to digest everything that'd been said, "Who is Katherine?"

  She was my dear friend, an elderly woman that I'd taken care of for years at Freedom Nursing Home; that's where I worked while I was putting myself through nursing school. Anyway, we were very close, I was the only person in the world who cared about her and she was the same to me. She always wanted better for me, always encouraging me, consoling me when I was down, pushing me to strive for goals and dreams. The last night she was alive, she was completely oriented as she told me she would be passing away that evening, she'd seen her deceased husband and she knew. She died at the exact time I got into my accident. My watch broke and stopped at two forty five in the morning, the nursing home had left a message for me that Katherine died at the same time."

  "What does that have to do with anything," he asked impatiently, running his hands through his thick hair.

  "Hers is the body I have, I look exactly like she did as a young woman, except for the color of my eyes. She'd always said eyes were the window to a person's soul and that my soul was golden, maybe that's why they didn't change."

  Tray was now thoroughly overwhelmed as he stood in front of her, hands upon his hips, "let's say this was a miracle, why would Katherine do this for you, why would you be singled out—out of all the miseries going on in the world today—to be granted this miracle?" he was practically yelling.

  "I don't know, maybe because I'd lived through enough miseries of my own, maybe because Katherine loved me," she was crying hard as Tray shook his head in disbelief, "maybe because I tried to kill myself in my car that night and God took pity on me."

  Tray stood still, the color draining from his face as her words pierced his heart. He didn't say anything for a long time. A dark cloud engulfed him as he realized that he'd fallen in love with another head case, how could this have happened to him again?

  "I think you'd better go," he said quietly, pain crushing his chest.

  "Tray, I was at a very desperate point in my life, the lowest point."

  "I'll never understand how someone can feel that desperate," he interrupted her, "my childhood was hell too, but I never considered suicide, not for a moment. My unhappiness fueled my goals. And how in the world do you expect me to believe that story about your physical metamorphosis? There's no rational explanation for it whatsoever."

  "I'm telling the truth, I'm not crazy."

  "Just leave," he demanded.

  She suppressed her sobs as she ran out the door and into her truck. She cried almost hysterically the entire way home, bursting into her house and up the stairs to her room. Mari looked at her, not sure what was going on, as she leapt onto the bed beside her master in an attempt to console her. Kate cried for hours until there was nothing left and her chest ached.

  The dog lay quietly next to her, refusing to leave her master alone in her time of need. Kate took in a deep breath and turned on her side to stroke the warm and loving animal as she spoke to her,

  "So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken. I can see why Tray didn't want to go through this again, why he'd built a wall around himself. I'll allow myself to feel horrible for the next couple of days, then I'll pick up and go on, like I've always done. I'll be alone. It'll be different and it'll hurt for a long time, but that's what I have to do. There is no choice but to go on. Living here with Tray so close by will be the hardest thing, but if I can't tolerate it, we'll give this place back to Burt and leave. We'll make it, Mari, don't worry," she said, the dog blinking her large brown eyes.

  Despite the pain, Kate was determined to be okay, feeling somewhere deep down that everything had come too easy to her anyway since moving to Montana; all the happiness and friends, a house and relationship. Nothing could be so perfect, not for her anyway, something had to go terribly wrong. For the first time in nearly a year, she wasn't sure of her future. She'd grown accustomed to her surroundings and routine. She'd have to take things one day at a time. Her heart had a searing ache in it that she knew would be there for months, maybe years. She'd have to live with it and hopefully be the wiser for it. One thing was for sure, she'd never reveal the truth behind her transformation ever again to anyone.

  "Tray, what the hell is wrong with you. That bull almost gored you, you agitated him so much. Get away from him before I have to drive you all the way to Jackson River hospital," Burt scolded him.

  "Sorry, my head was somewhere else."

  "You won't have a head if you don't focus on what you're doing. What in the world is going on, you haven't been right all week."

  "Nothing, I'm just having trouble concentrating," Tray made up excuses.

  "I'll say, if you've got a problem, you know you can talk to me," Burt reminded him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

  "Yeah, I know, thanks."

  But Tray was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about his problem, not Burt or anybody else would understand. He'd already been involved with one mentally ill person, why admit he'd done it again. People would think he was a total nut case, someone with a martyr complex trying to save people. It was nearly impossible for him to keep his mind on his work. This loss was much more devastating than his last relationship. He'd put all of his trust into Kate. She hadn't seemed unbalanced in the least, actually, she was one of the most healthy people he'd ever met. She was honest, sincere, reliable, respectable. What was this all about? Was she on drugs, was she in some sort of a cult, was she a religious extremist? He couldn't figure it out and the perplexity of the situation plus the pain was bringing him down, so down that he could barely function or think. He tried to push it all away, deny it happened, deny his agony.

  Kate's face and eyes remained swollen and reddened the remainder of the week. No one questioned her, no one saw Tray or Kate together anymore, so gossip spread like fire in a drought and folks figured they'd broken up. At church and in t
own, at the feed store, food market and other places, people asked Marge what happened between Kate and Tray. She didn't say a word because she truly didn't know. She did notice that Kate barely spoke, couldn't eat and didn't look or act like herself. The harvest celebration was in two weeks and she wanted everyone to be happy, she wanted Kate to be there, she wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. She and Burt talked, they knew something had gone terribly wrong between them, but they weren't sure whether to intervene or not. They loved both of them and it hurt them to see people they cared about so obviously miserable.

  "Kate, come on, will you eat?" Marge finally blew up at the supper table that Thursday night.

  "Sorry, Marge, I'm just not that hungry, maybe I can take some home and eat it later," she explained, attempting to force down a few more bites to appease her.

  Everyone looked up from the table and the talking came to an abrupt halt. When Marge was mad, no one challenged her. Kate got up from the table and began clearing away the dishes of those who were done eating and waited to serve the warm apple pies that were cooling on the counter.

  Marge got up as they automatically performed their usual routine, working side by side, except for the unusual silence between them. When the chores were done, Kate put down the dish towel and headed for the closet to grab her coat and escape back to the refuge of her house.

  "Kate, can I see you for a minute?" Marge asked her before she could slip away.

  Kate turned around and followed Marge out of the kitchen area. Marge walked through the large den and to the private formal living room at the other end of the house.

  "I don't like prying, Kate, and you know that I never have, not since the day you got here. I never asked about your background or your family or anything of that sort. But you and Tray look like hell, you both appear tortured and I can't stand it, neither can Burt. It seems like the two of you can't even figure out how to get through the day without one another. I don't believe you should be apart, I know you love each other and whatever is wrong has got to be fixed. You need to be together again, you were going to make a life as husband and wife."

  "Marge, I don't mean to be disrespectful to you, but I can't talk about this. It's taking all of my strength just to get up every morning and make it through the day. I finally stopped crying all the time and I don't want to open up everything all over again."

  "Well, you have to. You can't leave it like this, you're not gonna heal all the way if you leave things undone," Marge objected.

  "They are done, they're over, Tray ended it and that's that. He won't let me explain or talk to him. He's so terrified that he's been manipulated again, that he's involved in an unhealthy relationship built on lies and deceit, that he'd rather run away from it than understand or work on it. He wants it over and there's nothing I can do about it. And I won't beg him or ruin my mental health to get him back, that's a losing game."

  "What happened, why did he break things off?"

  "Because I told him the truth about my past and about myself. I thought I could go into this relationship and marriage hiding something very significant about my past, but I couldn't. A decent person can't begin a marriage on a lie. So I told him the truth and he couldn't handle it because it wasn't anything that was scientifically explainable."

  "What were you hiding, Kate," Marge asked flat out, almost afraid to hear it herself.

  "Before I came out here to Montana, I'd reached a low point in my life. I had no money, my boss was about to fire me, I didn't have the funds to finish my last year of school which I'd been struggling to complete for five years, my alcoholic mother kicked me out of our apartment and I had no place to go. I had nothing or no one to turn to. I only had two friends, an older woman with Alzheimer's who lived in the nursing home I worked at and a girl younger than myself with a bunch of kids who could barely take care of herself. So one night, after a screaming argument with my mother, I got in my old car and tried to kill myself. I did get into an accident, but I didn't die. I woke up in the hospital and when I saw my reflection in the mirror, I looked like a totally different person, except for my eyes. Instead of being ugly, I was suddenly pretty. I didn't understand it, I just took it as a sign from God or whatever higher power exists that I should be grateful and start my life over again. So I took off and caught a bus here and that's the whole story."

  Marge didn't say anything for a few minutes as she sat gazing at Kate, searching her face.

  "I can see right into your soul through those eyes of yours, I know you're telling the truth. I don't know why that happened to you, maybe you were receiving a reward for the life of hell you'd been living. It's about as easy to explain as how I got pregnant with Molly after twenty years of trying to conceive and a bunch of doctors telling me it would never happen. I could never explain it and neither could they, so I accepted it as a miraculous gift and went on with my life—same as you did. Questioning a blessing is a waste of time, using it gratefully is what's important. I believe you, Kate, I believe you."

  Her words were of great comfort and relief as Kate practically leapt into her arms. Marge hugged her as Kate cried into her shoulder.

  "Listen, Tray has been hurt and he's had a thing about people's emotional health ever since. He only believes in the concrete, what he can see or touch. Life isn't always like that though. I'm gonna tell you something about him that he probably hasn't told you and I'm only bringing it up because it might help you talk to him; I don't want you to give up on him just yet. The woman he was involved with before was my niece, her name was Daria. We all try not to talk about her because it only brings back painful memories. She was the only child of my sister. I loved my sister but she always had problems; drank too much, did some drugs, had mood swings, made very bad decisions. Looking back, I'm sure she was a manic-depressive and medicated herself by drinking or whatever else she could get her hands on. She got pregnant by some drifter who took off when he found out she was pregnant. Burt and I helped her raise Daria, my niece was almost like my daughter. But she was bad news from the beginning. Spoiled rotten by my incapable sister, she learned how to manipulate and lie from the time she could talk, she always had to be the center of attention, felt she was smarter than everyone else and she hated being poor. She always thought she deserved to be a queen and she was gonna do what it took to get her crown. When Tray moved out here, she was just a teenager, but she already had a plan on how she'd make him hers. A few years passed until she became a young woman and then she pursued him. She was very beautiful and charming, but she never loved him. She wanted his money, his home, to be Mrs. Doctor, I think she would have left him after a few years of marriage because she wanted to get the hell out of Montana and as far away from ranch life as she could.

  My sister died in a car accident when Daria was only twenty, which made her behavior even worse, they were very codependent upon each other. People around here knew Daria's games and didn't fall for her cons anymore, then Tray finally broke off their relationship. So she stole a lot of money from myself and Tray and ran off to California. We've never heard from her again and I can't say I want to either. A person can only take so much and then they have to let go."

  "Tray didn't tell me that much about Daria."

  "I'm sure it was very difficult for him to tell you anything about her, especially since there's a family connection and the possibility of her coming back here will always exist," Marge added.

  "That's true. So, he wasn't completely honest with me either."

  "Everyone has details of their life they don't want to expose."

  "Well, I was dumb enough to reveal too much," said Kate.

  "Because it bothered you and you thought it was important for him to know, I'm sure he wanted you to know more about Daria, but planned on telling you later."

  "Then we were obviously not ready for what our relationship became, the seriousness of it."

  "Just talk to him, one more time," Marge pleaded.

  "I don't think so. Mar
i's waiting for me at home, goodnight and thank you."

  She got up and walked out, Marge staring after her.

  "Hold her still, Eddie," Tray reminded him as he tried to get a closer look at the mare's belly wound.

  "What do you think I'm doing," he replied with irritation.

  "Seems like she tried to jump over fencing, she's gonna need some stitches," he remarked, ignoring Eddie's cocky attitude.

  "Why don't I call Colby over here to hold her, he's better with the horses than I am."

  "I never noticed you having any difficulties keeping a horse calm," Tray commented.

  "Maybe I'm the one who's having a problem staying calm," he retorted.

  "You've been looking like you've wanted to kill me all week."

  "That's 'cause I do, you jack-ass," Eddie spat.

  "You'd better get control of yourself fast, because I'm not gonna take any more of this," Tray warned him.

  "Really, how much more does Kate have to take?"

  "I'm not discussing Kate with you," he said gravely.

  "Fine, I will. She's the best work partner I've ever had and a close friend, so I don't think I'm outta line by caring about her and wondering what in the hell are you trying to do to her?"

  "I'm not trying to do anything to her," he replied, raising his voice.

  "You could've had any girl you wanted, from Colton to Jackson River, but you had to pick Kate to screw with, somebody vulnerable who's trying to make a decent life for herself."

  "That's not what happened, I didn't single her out to mess with her head or hurt her. You don't know what you're talking about," he stated loudly, his anger growing.

  "Like hell I don't, Lisa and I have been stopping by her place almost every night."

  "Why?" he asked in concern.

  "She looks terrible, can't sleep or eat right. You should see what you've put her through."

  "Hey," Tray stopped him, not wanting to hear any more, "I'm suffering too, believe me."