And something worse.
Unrepentant.
I swiveled on my heels and marched down the hall. I heard him call my name sharply. The core of me recognized the pitch and tone of his command. I immediately came to a crooked stop before forcing myself to keep going.
No.
If he wasn’t going to remember me, if he was going to let another woman have his lips, then he wasn’t allowed to command me anymore.
Leon appeared at my side like the shadow he was. Always there right when I wanted most to bolt. He didn’t say a word. He simply kept pace with me until I reached the elevator. Once the doors opened he did his customary visual sweep and then ushered me inside.
By all appearances it would look like I was a pampered pet to a very rich man. Yet another fucking lie.
The floors ticked by maddeningly slow. Adrenaline pumped through me so violently I couldn’t quite catch my breath. My fingers tingled with unreleased emotion. I wanted to snatch every strand of hair out of Gretchen’s head. I wanted to blacken both her eyes before tossing her out a window.
I thought of gruesome ways to end her. I should’ve been content with my bloodthirsty imagination. But I wasn’t because I knew the person I really wanted to hurt wasn’t Gretchen.
It was Damian.
His ex-girlfriend didn’t owe me a damn thing. He, on the other hand, did.
“It can’t be helped.”
Leon’s voice, soft as it was, cut through my volatile temper. I didn’t have the graciousness to pretend I didn’t know what he referred to.
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean anything to me right now.”
Leon’s phone went off. Clipped notes passed before he pocketed the phone. “Damian wants you taken back down.”
I clenched my jaw, feeling the casual cruelty of my jailer’s whims.
Keep me, push me, claim me, forget me.
Leon’s artic gaze took me in before settling back on the elevator doors. “This will come later. You need to compose yourself if you want to win.”
I didn’t know whether I should thank him or curse him. Thank him for letting me nurse my battered feelings or curse him for being so perceptive. Apparently I couldn’t hide anything from anyone.
This made me humiliatingly vulnerable. I wouldn’t stand for it.
“Yes.”
We didn’t say anything else. I was aware of the phone buzzing in my pocket, one I pitifully kept with me at all times because it was my only lifeline to Damian. I had the mad idea to throw it against the wall before grinding the shattered remains beneath my heel.
Although my hand tightened around the plastic and metal, I released it with a swallowed growl. I wasn’t ready to cut off all ties with Damian. What I could do was turn my phone off.
A malicious smile danced on my lips before collapsing.
This kind of defiance would’ve once landed me across Damian’s lap. Only after I was thoroughly punished and only after I promised to be a good girl would I be able to make it up to him by taking his cock wherever he wished it.
What would happen to me now?
Nothing.
Or worse. Maybe I’d be banished from his presence. A bad girl who couldn’t do something as simple as answering a phone wouldn’t be good enough to stay. She’d be thrown away. Just like all the others.
Just like Gretchen.
My rage against the viperous redhead deflated. Loving him as I did, if I were in her position, would I really be so honorable to not pounce on a chance to get him back?
I knew I’d do it. I’d do it with a goddamned smile and a swish of my tail.
Fuck me for being so understanding. That kind of fairness was going to lose me the war.
28
I found Elaine waiting for me in the suite.
I wasn’t surprised. She always seemed to know everything. Russian flowed between Elaine and Leon before he left the room.
“You know it’s rude to speak in another language in front of people who can’t speak it.” My impertinence would embarrass me later.
“Then learn it.”
Not exactly the kind of answering I was expecting. I snorted and then stomped over to the stylish charcoal loveseat. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes. Now that my fury ran its course sorrow would overtake me.
I didn’t want that.
So I’d keep my eyes closed as long as I could stand it. Maybe once I beat back my tears I’d find a way out of this emotional quagmire before I suffocated.
Apparently, Elaine decided to hurry me along.
“Pouting will not help you.”
“I’m not pouting.”
“Then what do you call hiding here when you should be downstairs?”
I lifted my head and peered at Elaine. Framed against the ivory club chair, she was the quintessential beautiful icy blond. Her unruffled visage was something I aspired to perfect.
“I’m not hiding, Elaine. I’m calming down so I won’t do or say something I’ll regret.”
Like beat both of them into the ground and call Damian a lowdown, dirty, cheater.
“Ah.” She got up and sat down next to me. “This is good. However, I must warn you Damian has contacted me, Leon, and I imagine you. The longer you make him wait, the more difficult it will be for you.”
“Frankly, Elaine, I do not care.”
“You should.”
I bit back a snarl. Clearing my throat, I shot for politeness and still managed to miss the mark.
“He was more than busy last I saw him,” I stated acidly. “I’m sure he appreciates the privacy.”
The weight of Elaine’s stare settled on me like a stone. “Don’t be stupid, Risa. What do you think to accomplish with this tantrum? Do you think it will make Damian chase you and throw over the woman he believes is his paramour? Let me assure you. It. Will. Not.”
I shot up off the couch. “Then what should I do? Should I pretend that seeing him kiss that…woman…doesn’t hurt me? That it doesn’t affect me?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you to do.”
Reaching up with both hands to fist my hair, I let the hinges on my temper loose. “I can’t! I can’t do this, Elaine! I can’t keep pretending I mean nothing to Damian, that Gretchen is his, and I’m not. It wasn’t fair of you to ask it of me. I want to tell him the truth and I want to tell it to him now!”
She regarded me beneath a bloodless stare. Completely unruffled.
“What will you accomplish with the truth? Will it make him remember you? Will it change what you saw today? What will the truth do, Risa?”
Elaine made it sound like a dirty, selfish thing.
“For starters it will put an end to all this lying!”
“Very well. You will tell him you are not his PA and that you were in fact his lover. What then? Will it make Damian develop feelings for you that don’t exist at the moment? Or will it make him doubt just how important you really were to him? Will he suspect you were nothing more than a piece of tail he used and forgot?
“You will become angry with him and leave when he doesn’t react the way you want him to. Then what? You’ll be out of sight and out of mind. When he does remember you, he’ll remember you didn’t stay with him. That you weren’t loyal to him. Do you think he’ll go back to you then?”
I flinched. Elaine’s cool logic tore at my soft underbelly easily.
“So I’m supposed to stand by and watch Gretchen take my place?”
“Why do you let her do it, Risa? You’ve rolled over without a fight. You meekly avoid him as much as possible. You scurry away at the first sign of hardship and trouble.”
“You’re not being fair, Elaine. You don’t see what this is costing me. He’s your son. Of course, you’ll take his side.” My voice shook. I felt like I’d lost my only ally in this nightmare that had become my life.
It hurt more than I wanted to admit.
“Damian is my first loyalty. True. However, I know how important you are to him. That makes you impo
rtant as well, Risa. I’ve looked after Damian’s interests his whole life. I won’t stop now that he’s lost part of his memory. I treasure you as he would.”
I blinked back a rush of tears. I wanted to throw myself at her in a hug. I didn’t dare.
She stood up. Her steps whispered across the floor until she reached my side. “You must be strong, Risa. If you cannot be strong, if you cannot be loyal, then you cannot stay with Damian. I will put you on a plane myself if it comes down to it.”
My wild, glassy gaze widened. “So if I don’t submit myself to you too then you’ll throw me away?”
“Yes.”
Ruthless. Bloodless.
“You can’t make me.”
I knew I devolved into a child with my response, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt like a child, one who’d been betrayed by the woman she trusted to protect her.
“You’re right. I can’t make you. You should want to. Not for me, but for Damian. He must come to his memories on his own. Forcing remembrance can damage him and I won’t stand for it. Neither should you. No matter how much it breaks you.”
I spun away from her and stalked over to the window. Leaning my head against the glass, I spoke in a whisper. “I know you’re right, Elaine. I do. I just wish this wasn’t so hard.”
Elaine marched right up to me. She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her.
“Without this, do you think your life with Damian will be easy? That all you’ll do is make love, travel, and spend every minute together? That is not life, Risa. That is a dream. Being with a man like Damian will be hard.”
“Believe me. I know.”
Elaine slashed the air with her hand. “No. This is easy, Risa, compared to what it can be. Here you are protected. Here you are by his side. Out there—out there is something else. If you cannot handle this hardship, you will not be strong enough for the rest.”
“What are you saying, Elaine?” Darkness slithered about my ankles. The questions I’d failed to ask before, back when Damian lay near-lifeless and connected to machines, snaked about me. “What was really behind Damian’s accident? What aren’t you telling me?”
A curtain seemed to drop down over Elaine. Her expression smoothed, leaving her unlined and unruffled once more.
“Men in Damian’s position are always in danger.”
“Did someone try to kill him?”
Elaine’s shrewd and calculating gaze chilled me. The lifeless appraisal she turned on me made me almost regret asking the question.
Almost.
“There will always be danger to a man worth billions. There will always be someone who wants to take what isn’t his. This time Damian is here because he was in an accident. One that will not happen again.”
“But—”
“Risa, don’t ask questions when you’re not ready to hear the answers.”
I paled. That was an answer in itself.
Elaine wasn’t finished. “He is well enough to go home tomorrow. You must decide if you will be on that plane with him or not. If yes, get strong. If not, stay weak and lose the man you love. It’s your choice.”
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I trembled. Cold to my core, I missed Damian more than ever. How could I be strong when I needed him this badly?
If Damian was here he would’ve put me on his lap and stroked my hair. He would’ve known exactly what was wrong with me and what I needed. He would’ve whispered in my ear, “My poor little girl. She worked herself up, didn’t she? Don’t worry. I’ll take care of my little girl. All she needs is a good cry, doesn’t she?”
If I couldn’t do it myself, Damian would’ve helped me along, his hand giving me not necessarily what I wanted, but would’ve needed. Damian would’ve let me cry until I couldn’t draw in breath and then he would’ve slipped his hand between my legs…
He took care of me that way. He always took care of me.
Why couldn’t I see that before? Why did I have to run away from him? Why couldn’t I see it when it counted?
Would I say the same thing about today later?
I reached into my pocket and turned my phone back on. It immediately started ringing. I didn’t have to look down to see who was calling.
Elaine dipped her head slightly. “Very good. Pull yourself together. When you see Damian again remember what you feel now. It will keep you on the right path.”
I nodded and answered the phone.
“Yes, Sir?”
29
Damian’s voice lashed like a whip. “Where the hell are you?”
I would’ve been shocked at his show of temper in other circumstances. Perversely, I enjoyed it this time. Damian’s anger was something I could hold onto. A test to pass, to prove my loyalty and commitment to being strong for him.
To win him back from the void in his mind.
My, my how well he trained me to be his.
“Upstairs, Sir.”
“You turned off your cell phone. That isn’t acceptable, Risa. You are not to do it again.”
“Yes, Sir.”
A pause and then in a soft voice “Come downstairs. Now. If you are not here in two minutes I will be displeased. You do not want that, Ms. Kelly.”
He clicked off the line.
I straightened my shoulders and faced Elaine. “Thank you.”
She nodded once. Our understanding back on track, she apparently could afford to be magnanimous.
“It is hard. You’re still here. That says something good about you, Risa.”
I suddenly want to cry again. I missed her approval for the short time it was gone. I didn’t want her to think me weak and spoiled.
Unworthy of her son’s love.
Blubbering wouldn’t give Elaine the proper impression I wanted. The one I needed to keep no matter what.
“I better go. I have to comb my hair and fix this up.” I waved at my face with a rueful smile.
“Go and don’t be late. You’re already in trouble as it is.”
A flush heated my cheeks. She’d apparently heard more than enough of my conversation with Damian. God, did she suspect our unconventional dynamics?
That didn’t bear thinking about.
After a quick visit to the bathroom, I saw the damage was minimal. Just a little wave of a brush, powder, lipstick, and mascara and then I was on my way in less than a minute, leaving Elaine to the million tasks occupying her time from sun up well into the night. Leon appeared out of thin air just as I crossed the threshold. My personal ghost.
Silent the entire way, we arrived at Damian’s suite with seconds to spare. I braced myself to see Gretchen slinking about. Regardless of what I wouldn’t say to Damian, I had plenty to say to her.
She was gone. Traitor.
Still I was glad I wouldn’t have to face Gretchen just yet. I would’ve hated for Damian to lecture me while that bitch was in the room. My humiliation was mine and mine alone to give. Gretchen Smith wasn’t one to receive it.
Not by my hands.
Leon escorted me straight to Damian. His narrowed stare swept across us both. Suspicion darkened his expression. “You need an escort to make sure you obey me?”
“No, Sir. Of course not, Sir.”
My even reply didn’t soften him in the slightest. Damian bit out something in Russian, naturally, to Leon. He laughed. I couldn’t control my jolt of surprise. I’d never seen the man smile much less laugh.
I couldn’t help but meet his smile with one of my own. Leon was still handsome when dour and forbidding. He was positively breathtaking with laughter. If I wasn’t so desperately in love with Damian, Leon would’ve definitely turned my head.
“Risa!”
There was no mistaking the possessiveness and jealousy burning through my name.
I looked back at Damian but apparently not fast enough. He reached out and yanked me to his side. Instead of letting me go, Damian tightened his hold of my wrist.
It was the first time he’d touched me like this in months.
I could’ve collapsed at his feet in joy.
Leon spoke again, but this time Damian didn’t answer. The blond man left with another laugh. I stared after him, feeling the heat of Damian’s glare like a warning.
In another life, I’d heed it.
That went away when I saw a flash of red. Gretchen. Stiffening, I was ready to drop her dead with my stare alone, when Leon blocked her from entering. Her voice, typically low and utterly feminine, raised in protest. He didn’t say another word. He simply escorted her away after closing the door.
I could’ve hugged Leon for marching her away.
“Do you want to be with him?”
“What?”
Damian’s full lips flattened into a ruthless line. “Every time you’re not with me, you’re with him. Is that why you stay away?”
Oh no. He wasn’t going to put this on me.
“I stay away because you told me to. You sent me to work upstairs. I accommodated your wishes in every way.”
He moved his hand until it squeezed my elbow. His thumb pressed into the sensitive hollow. “That’s not an answer, Risa.”
Danger pulsed. So did desire. And hope.
The small patch of skin where his thumb dug in was one of the spots Damian knew could get me in the correct headspace. It was unconscious on his part, that much was clear, but it proved to me that my Damian was still there.
I didn’t try to pull my arm away from him. I stood there like a good girl and let him do what he wanted. His jealousy couldn’t hurt me. Not like his restraint over the past weeks.
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.”
Oh God. This was the Damian I remembered. Uncompromising. Completely dominant.
Mine.
But I couldn’t give him what he wanted. Not really. I had to be strong in the face of temptation. I had to be the character his memory loss demanded of me. I had to be perfectly his, just not in the way I wanted.
“I do as you ask me, Mr. Black-Price, because that’s what you pay me to do.”
My distasteful reminder gave me the distance needed but never wanted. Damian let go of my arm. He took several steps away, mouth turned in a frown. The impression of his fingers lingered on my skin. I ached from the absence of his solid touch.
My Love Break Page 10