by Marian Tee
He was finally here, where Death was, and he felt…nothing.
Fire crackled under the alcove as he took a seat, and he sensed Death turning to face him from the shadows.
Go on, Death said calmly. Ask it.
And so the billionaire did. “Am I dead?”
Do you want to be?
He used to. Once, it was all he had thought about. An end to the seemingly endless days of emptiness that lay ahead of him, and freedom from having to pretend second after second---
And now?
The billionaire wasn’t even surprised that Death heard his every thought.
Do you still want to die, boy?
Slowly, the billionaire heard himself say, “But I don’t want to hurt her.” His voice was bleak. “I don’t want to stay in her life until I’m certain I won’t want to kill myself---”
Yes or no, boy.
“What about the test results?” he grated out. “They all predict that I’m going to kill myself eventually. So wouldn’t it be better if I left her now---”
YES OR NO, BOY.
Something exploded inside of him, and he heard himself roar, “No!” And it kept exploding and exploding until he realized it was his heart beating back into life.
There you go. Death smiled at him from the shadows. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
The billionaire’s fists clenched. “You don’t fucking understand. What if I hurt her? What if I change my mind---”
It’s you who don’t understand, Death interrupted with a sigh. You’re thinking of so many what ifs, worrying about hurting your little rainbow, that you no longer see the trees for the woods.
“Stop talking in riddles, goddammit.”
I’m not.
“Then will you just fucking tell me---”
But you already know.
The billionaire angrily rose to his feet, roaring, “What the fuck does that even mean? Can’t you fucking see that it’s not just my life at stake here? I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want to keep loving her if I’m only going to hurt her---”
The questions you ask are the answer you seek.
“WHAT THE FUCK---” The billionaire’s powerful form shook with frustration. Why couldn’t Death just give him a fucking straight answer? Why couldn’t he just make it plain and simple? He would either kill himself or not. He should either leave Kharis now or not. It used to be that simple, that black and white---
And that was when it hit him, and the billionaire jerked.
It has finally dawned on you, hasn't it?
The billionaire couldn’t speak.
Everything used to be simple because coming with me was all you could think about.
“Yes,” the billionaire whispered.
It was the only thing you used to ask. When should you end it? When?
The billionaire’s eyes closed.
But it’s different now, isn’t it? Now, you worry about whether your love is real, whether your love is enough, whether you can protect her to the end---
And that’s your answer right there.
The billionaire swallowed hard. “But the test results---”
Gonna let a piece of paper dictate your life, boy?
“But I keep hurting her---”
Because you loved her, and loving her made you want to push her away before you could hurt her even more.
The shadows surrounding Death started to recede, and light began to filter in, obliterating the room inch by inch until he was slowly surrounded with a blinding wall of whiteness.
Last chance then, Christien. Do you want to come with me now?
Christien had been in the hospital for five days when he finally regained consciousness, and the first thing he saw was…her. Kharis’ long blonde curls fell loosely over one shoulder, and she was bent down on the side of his bed, fast asleep. He shifted slightly, not wanting to wake her up, but even so she stirred, her eyes slowly drifting open.
A moment later, she shot up to a sitting position, her large brown eyes filled with concern. “You’re awake!”
“Just now.” The billionaire’s voice was scratchy, and Kharis immediately poured him a glass of water and helped him up to a sitting position so he could take a sip. The first few sips had him coughing, but his throat eventually adjusted to functioning again, and the billionaire was able to drink the rest.
He watched her as she took the glass back from him and placed it on the bedside table, all the while feeling like he was about to burst with everything that he wanted to say, everything that he wanted her to know and feel.
Imaginary or not, every word he had exchanged with Death was vivid in his mind, and when she turned to face him, he could no longer bear it. “Kharis---”
But instead of letting him finish, she asked rather quickly, “H-how are you feeling?”
Something was wrong, he realized, and Christien’s blue eyes narrowed. “I’m as good as I should be.”
“I’m glad.” She flashed him a smile of relief that seemed genuine enough. But even so, his uneasiness grew.
He tried again. “Kharis---”
Fear flickered in her eyes at his tone, and he swallowed hard, realizing then that she already had an idea of what he wanted to talk about---
And she obviously didn’t want to hear it.
His fists clenched. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes jerked away from his.
“I haven’t touched her in years.”
A small nod, and an even smaller voice as she whispered, “I know.” He saw her own fingers clench against her lap. “Freddie and your friends talked to me, but even if they hadn’t, I know…you w-wouldn’t have hurt me to that extent.”
But he had still hurt her. She might not have said the words out loud, but he heard them all the same in the painfully halting way she spoke.
And it hurt.
It goddamn hurt because all he had wanted was to love her.
“I’m sorry.” The low, ravaged words were torn out of him. “I know I should’ve ended things with Karo---” The other woman’s name on his lips made her flinch, and the billionaire’s chest clenched in pain.
She looked at him then, and her eyes – ah, God, her eyes. It would have been better if she were crying now because at least it would mean he hadn’t completely taken away her ability to feel.
“Why d-didn’t you?” And her tone was as dead as her eyes, and God, it was almost like looking into his past self, the way he had been when all he had thought of was death.
“B-because that’s what I don’t understand. You say you h-haven’t touched her in years---”
“I wasn’t lying,” he said fiercely.
“So w-why didn’t you just end things?” she asked brokenly. “And w-why didn’t you tell me about her? Why w-wait until things could get s-so much worse---”
It was the same question that Freddie had once asked him, the same question he hadn’t known how to answer then---
But after meeting Death---
And only when it was too late---
“Because I wanted to see if I could stomach hurting you,” he admitted rawly.
The words had Kharis whitening.
“I was thinking if I could stomach hurting you, then it allowed me to pretend I didn’t really love you. I was so damn used to not caring for anything, but I was terrified to believe that I had really found that one person I could love---” He swallowed hard. “And it’s you, Kharis.”
But she only stared at him, and his voice grew desperate. “I do love you.” He thought of what the test results predicted of him, and his voice became hollow. “For better or for worse, Kharis. I love you.”
And still, she didn’t speak.
“I love you, Kharis. I love you. I love you---”
“I know.” Her words were barely audible, but in them were everything else she wanted to say, and the billionaire whitened.
She knew he loved her. She believed he loved her.
“But it’s not enough.” Raising his ga
ze to her, he said dully, “Because that’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?”
She didn’t speak. She didn’t have to. The smile that broke over her lips said it for her.
A smile of innocence lost---
A smile that told him goodbye---
A smile of rainbows that would never paint the skies again.
Chapter 20
Winter had ended, spring had come and gone, the colors changing from pale to vibrant, and just like that, it was summer again. Much had changed in the past months, beginning with Fredericka filing a lawsuit against Karolina Martin on his behalf. Although the case was ongoing, the redheaded lawyer believed it was only a matter of time before Karolina was forced to pay a hefty fine in lieu of jail time, and Fredericka would make sure it was enough to bankrupt his ex-mistress for good.
Another major and rather unexpected incident was the revelation that his test results had been largely doctored. The hospital had since fired Dr. Armand Colbert and had been intensely grateful when the billionaire had declined to press charges against them. He had been issued a new set of results, of course, this time from a trusted psychiatrist, and with the help of the latest technology, Christien had been issued a clean bill of health, neurologically speaking.
Thoughts of suicide cross people’s minds all the time, Dr. Charles had then told Christien. And that’s normal. You can’t control where your mind drifts, but you can decide what to hold on to so those thoughts won’t sweep you away. I know what I’m telling you isn’t conventional medical advice, but I also believe there are things in this world that science can’t always solve on their own. Sometimes, you just need a little faith. So trust in yourself a little more, Mr. di Luca. And most of all – find someone to love, and love with all your heart. Just love, love without expectations, love and give yourself freely – and you’ll be surprised at how happy that can make you.
And so here he was, back in Connecticut, back where it all started---
And it felt like the most terrifying thing he had done in his life.
The billionaire parked the car at the end of the driveway, choosing to go on foot rather than risk alerting Kharis to his presence with the sound of his sports car speeding up the driveway.
By the time he made it to the house, he saw that it was completely empty, just as Paul had assured him it would be. When he had first called Kharis’ grandfather about wanting to reconcile with Kharis, the billionaire had expected Paul to simply hang up on him.
But instead, the older man had only said gruffly, “It’s nice to hear from you again, son.”
And the billionaire had not been able to speak right away because he had realized just then it had been the first time for Paul to call him that.
From there, the conversation had been brief, gruff, but emotional all the same, with the billionaire asking for Paul’s forgiveness for hurting Kharis.
He had expected a lecture after that, but again Kharis’ grandfather had surprised him. People make mistakes all the time. I never told you this because I knew it would mean I’ve already accepted that you’ll take my granddaughter away one day, but I always knew…I knew from the start. And Paul had taken a deep breath before saying in a voice that slightly shook with emotion, Kharis is everything to you.
And so she was, the billionaire thought as he climbed up the stairs leading to Kharis’ bedroom. She was everything to him, but that was no longer the question now, was it? She would always mean everything to him…but it was her choice if she wanted to know – wanted to feel – what being his everything meant.
When he made it to the third floor, the billionaire stood outside it for a long time, quiet and unmoving. It had been seven months – seven long damn months – since they had last seen each other. A lot could change in seven months, and his own life was testament to that. She could have moved on already, could’ve even fallen in love with someone else – and she had a right to do all those things because from the very start, he had always been the one to hurt her.
And it had never been the other way around, the billionaire thought bleakly.
Over and over he had left her and pushed her away, over and over he had left her---
And yet she had always been there, patiently waiting for him, never losing hope, always loving him.
So was it right to go back to her, he asked himself tautly, knowing how much he had hurt her?
Wasn’t it better to stay away and let a better man come along to love her the way she deserved?
The billionaire had already turned away by the time his thoughts ended, preventing him from seeing the bedroom door silently open---
He loved her. Loved her with all his heart, just like the doctor had said, loved her without expectations. His mind told him that should be enough, but his heart – this heart of his that still sometimes struggled to remember it could keep beating now – his heart told him he was only making the same mistakes again.
If he loved her, and if he truly believed that she was the only woman for him, then wasn’t it time to act like it? Wasn’t it time to believe that he was also the only man for her?
It was this crippling fear that he could hurt her and that he didn’t love her enough that always made him end up hurting her. So wasn’t it time, once and for all, to kill those fears for good and trust in---
Rainbows, a familiar, sly voice echoed in his mind. Because that’s what you’re thinking, right? Rainbows, clowns, winking maniacs, vegetable monsters –
It was Death again, of course, but this time the imaginary voice didn’t sound as forbidding. It was almost like a long-lost friend, one he’d eventually meet again…but not for a long, long time.
Have I forgotten anything else? Death asked.
Yes, the billionaire thought. She’s also my little maniac…and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her.
Will it be a long, happy life, boy?
Centuries, if I have my way.
We’ll see. Death’s tone was noncommittal, but the billionaire could’ve sworn there was a grin in it.
Death, grinning, the billionaire thought. Imagine that.
But this, in turn, had his lips twitching as he turned, finally ready to grovel for forgiveness and beg Kharis to take him back---
Only she ended up scaring the fuck out of him.
Again.
“Holy fuck!”
She was standing by the doorway, and for a long while already by the looks of it, with a thin veil covering her face and the rest of her body. She looked like the Corpse Bride come to life, only a thousand times more terrifying.
“What the fuck, Kharis?”
She lifted her veil, revealing a silk nightgown, and as the veil inched higher, he saw her slim shoulders shaking hard---
Ah, God.
And she was crying, tears rushing down her face.
Was he too late then? Were they over for good? Could he only love her from afar?
These were the things he so badly wanted to ask, but the words were somehow stuck in his throat, and when he did speak, his tone was clumsy and hoarse--- “Early Halloween costume?”
She shook her head, still crying, still not saying a word.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This was Kharis, the sweetest girl in the world. Didn’t this mean it was already over, only her tender heart couldn’t make her say the words out loud?
So what now?
The billionaire shoved his hands deep in his pockets. “Have you…” God, it was so fucking hard to speak. “Have you been standing there for long?”
A tiny nod as she wiped the tears from her eyes, and then her words came out in a barely audible mumble. “I’ve been watching you…through the peephole.”
His chest constricted at what she wasn’t saying, and he said heavily, “Then you saw.”
“I did.” And her tear-stained eyes met his. “I saw, and I knew you were about to leave me again.”
“But you didn’t call me back.”
“I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you only ever think of leaving me when it’s for my sake---”
Ah God.
“And b-because I knew you’d eventually come back to me---”
And the billionaire’s own eyes started to sting---
“Because you love me so, so much.” Her voice broke. His heart crashed against his chest. And then in the next moment, he had hauled her close, and she was sobbing in his arms.
“You’re supposed to make this harder for me,” he tried to joke, but the words came out too shaky and uneven.
“How c-can I when you already make things too hard for yourself?” Her arms tightened around him then, and just as he thought she couldn’t be any more damn sweeter, Kharis proved him wrong by saying the words first.
“I love you, Christien.” Trembling lips pressed against his, and as her tears seeped into their kiss, she whispered painfully, “Even when I was mad, even when I was hurt, and I felt so b-betrayed, I never really stopped.” And he saw in her eyes that it was true. “I will always love you---”
Ah God. His entire body shaking at the strength of his emotions, he crushed her mouth under his, words no longer enough to express what he felt---
And that was that he loved her---
But more than that, more importantly than that, she was his life, and he would live for her.
Epilogue
For Christien di Luca’s stag party, his friends, with the help of his staff, went all out. His flagship club, Senses, had been temporarily redecorated, with custom-designed wallpaper that featured blown-up images of headlines that featured the latest controversy involving the billionaire.
CHRISTIEN DI LUCA’S FIANCÉE KHARIS STILL A VIRGIN?
BILLIONAIRE DIAGNOSED WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
DI LUCA ENGAGEMENT: A COVER-UP TO HIDE HE’S GAY?
And those were the nicest ones. The sleaziest tabloids had put forward far more eccentric and crazier theories, all of which Christien’s fellow BBFs had thoughtfully included in the wallpaper design.
When the groom’s blindfold was finally taken off and Christien saw the walls for himself, the billionaire’s face became stoic. “Very funny.”