Just Becca. Their eyes met. Right there was a huge reason to face it all. The only woman who'd ever managed to capture his heart. And Sienna,too. That way he didn't ever make her cry with an angry outburst as he had a few weeks ago aimed at her mother.
Becca edged toward him, her eyes full of compassion. She slid her hand over his face before leaning in for a kiss. "You're terrified about this, aren't you?"
Was he that transparent? "Very. I don't do well with talking to people, not about these things. Look how long it took for me to even let you know. I don't know what the hell they're going to say. I've done a lot of regretful stuff in the past few months. You're worried I'll leave because of what we find out from your past? Well I'm terrified you'll leave because you can't handle me and whatever is wrong. I couldn't even blame you if you did." But he'd be devastated, no doubt.
"Despite how much we fight and push, I don't want to go anywhere, Hunter."
"And I don't want you to be afraid of me anymore." Though the past few days had been decent, she still seemed afraid.
Becca stared back at him. "I'm trying."
"I know," he whispered. What if it wasn't enough? What if they were too far gone and broken to repair things? How long could they try to stay strong for the other? "Let's go get this over with." He grabbed his wallet and keys, nearly stumbling over a shoe left on the floor.
Becca put a hand on his elbow and faced him. "Want me to drive? I can tell you're not concentrating well."
He almost protested, then realized she was only trying to help. He gave himself a mental pat on the back for keeping his tongue in check. If he could keep himself from getting on the defense, he'd take it. "Yeah, that's fine. Thank you."
Hunter gave her directions while they were en route. The closer they got to the doctor's office, the more nervous Hunter became. Weird sensations formed in the pit of his gut. He clenched a fist and fidgeted in his seat. Wow, he really was bad off.
Becca turned and found a parking spot. They were here. Hunter stared at the building, wishing it wasn't there. No, he wished he weren't there. Why was getting help so damn difficult? Was it going to make that much of a different knowing what was wrong instead of not knowing? He'd still be the same screwed up person.
He blew out a breath, counted to three and forced his legs to cooperate. He was halfway across the parking lot when Becca caught up to him. She took his hand. They walked into the office together squeezing hands. Literally squeezing. Guess they were both nervous about this appointment.
Hunter filled out all the paperwork still holding Becca's hand. The first time he let go was when he walked back to the desk to hand over the clipboard with the paperwork and his insurance card. The gray haired woman behind the desk smiled and nodded at him. "I'll just make a quick copy of your cards and then the doctor should call you back soon."
He figured he'd wait at the desk for his card. Once the woman came back and handed them over, Hunter moved to sit with Becca. He was halfway down when the door opened and his name was called. Hunter straightened, took another deep breath, and marched ahead. Becca followed close behind. They were taken to a small room and sat in the chairs on the right side of the room side by side, their hands still clasped together.
"So you're here for a referral," the male nurse noted, staring down at his clipboard. "Nightmares, trouble sleeping, rash behavior..." he muttered while writing something.
Jeez, that made him sound like ... something bad. Hunter bit his tongue and slid a hand through his hair.
"While you wait for the doctor, I'd like for you to fill out this questionnaire."
Hunter took the papers and stared at the questions. All about 'the event' it asked.
Which one? The plane crash? The crappy landing after his divorce? Or the one with Carrie trying to do who knows what? He clicked the pen repeatedly trying to decide, then figured he'd ask. "I'm not sure what event I need to be answering about," he admitted.
The stare he got back was questioning.
Hunter sighed, explaining them all. He couldn't tell what the man was thinking by his facial expressions. He informed him to do the best he could and the doctor would come talk to him soon.
Becca tapped him on the shoulder. He turned her way. "May I see?" She pointed at the questionnaire. He handed it to her. She spent a few minutes going over the questions, then put the clipboard in her lap to sign. "I'd say answer the questions about the night you had a rough landing. Then go back from the beginning when you talk to the doctor, from the crash we survived and the events of the last few years. There's no telling where it originated and caused your nightmares and everything else, but from what you've said, I think the biggest trigger was your rough landing."
Wordlessly, he nodded. It got him thinking. He'd had a hell of a rough few years. Losing Jeff and the way it made him feel that he couldn't save his friend in the program. Feeling the loss of not staying with Becca. Having a family and then having it break up because he and Eva were never compatible. Was there ever going to be such a thing as normal for him? Didn't he and Becca deserve a little bit of it after all they'd been through?
He started to write, even though his writing came out in scribbles. His hand trembled.
Becca reached out and covered his hand. When he looked up at her, she moved it. "It's going to be okay."
This sweet woman and her brave face. What would he do without her? "What if it's not?" he whispered. He felt the vulnerability within him and heard it in his voice. "What if I'm always plagued by guilt and nightmares?"
"That is why you're here. To fight the feeling of helplessness."
"I don't want to be a lost cause." And he had to say that out loud why?
Becca shook her head. "You're not a lost cause. I love you, Hunter. I haven't shown it as strongly in the last few weeks, but you mean everything to me. I'm going to be strong for you again."
Choked with an intense emotion, Hunter held her to him. "You're always strong, Bec. You're my rock and I don't know what I'd do without you."
The door opened, and the doctor walked in. "Hi there, Hunter. I'm Dr. Ross."
That name slipped from the man's lips and Hunter immediately remembered the kind woman who'd talked to him at the hospital twenty years ago. He pulled away from Becca and focused.
"So, let's talk about what you're feeling. I've looked over your chart and the reason for your referral. Seems like you've had a lot of trauma recently. I know this isn't going to be easy, but we need to discuss these events."
And so it began.
*****
Becca watched Hunter as he struggled to talk about everything the doctor asked him. She already had a suspicion where he was going with this and why, but the path to get there was painful for both Hunter and herself. Listening to him relive the crash and the five days after out loud broke her into pieces. Hunter's hand found hers again and squeezed. The doctor watched both of them carefully while Hunter talked. She wished she could hug him and make all of his pain disappear. All the guilt he carried and continued to carry. Every burden he took on as his own. Every painful event, especially those within the past four years. The first time they talked about it after reconnecting was painful. This time, it seemed even more agonizing.
It seemed like an eternity as the conversation continued. Now Hunter had to bring up the nightmare where he'd pinned Becca against the wall and the events afterwards. She squeezed her eyes shut, hating this so bad. A little piece of her died, hearing how much this tore him up, and it upset her even more that she'd been so afraid of him. I'm sorry, Hunter. A tear slid down her cheek.
Hunter stopped talking and tried to pull his hand from hers, which she'd gripped even tighter.
"I'm sorry, Bec," he whispered, pulling her close. "I know this is hard for you to have to relive and hear, too." He clung to her.
The doctor stood up from his chair and left the room, leaving Hunter and Becca stunned. What just happened? Minutes later, he returned with two Styrofoam cups which he handed to t
hem. "Give yourselves a break before continuing, if you need to." Understanding flashed in his eyes.
Hunter chugged the water quickly, while Becca drank it slow. Then he talked about the last few weeks.
The doctor folded his hands together, covering his mouth. Becca could tell he was totally stunned by their situation. Well, she couldn't blame him! The whole thing honestly sounded like a continuous mystery show or something. If only. If this were all fiction and they were the creators, she'd change everything as much as possible.
This was their reality.
"Hunter, this is a sure case of post traumatic stress disorder to me. Now, before I do an official diagnosis, I want to talk a little more about-"
Hunter jumped to his feet. "How could I have PTSD? The crash was twenty years ago! Why would I get it now? This is something people like me don't get, isn't it? I mean ... I hear about soldiers and-" He kept shaking his head.
Becca tugged on his hand, hoping he'd sit down. It worked. He glanced at her with a stricken, pained frown on his face. She already knew. She and Shara had talked about this often, but for it to finally be said by a professional was hard. He sank down on the chair and slumped back.
"Hunter, anyone with a traumatic event can develop PTSD. You hear about it with soldiers often, but it doesn't rule out everyone else. I think the recent events in your life are what caused it. You're at a more severe level of symptoms because they've gone on untreated for months and you haven't had the easiest summer. We'll discuss in depth a treatment plan that I strongly advice you stick with and follow. I know you had a recent appointment you never made it to. That brings me to my second comment. You." He pointed to Becca.
Her eyes widened.
"I can't officially do anything with you until you're a patient, and I advise you make an appointment right away as well. You've recently gone through your own new traumatic event and by the things Hunter has told me, I think keeping an eye on you is a good idea because you could develop PTSD as well. This is a very unique situation and you both need to be well aware."
Okay, she hadn't expected that. There was a possibility of it with her? Her hand flew to her mouth. She tried to wrap her mind around the idea that she could suffer from the very same thing that tormented Hunter for months. It made sense. She'd been experiencing similar feelings that Hunter had been, just not to his level.
"Bec?" Hunter reached for her, sounding unsure.
"I didn't expect this." Her hands shook as she signed.
"It never crossed my mind either." The green in his eyes was accentuated by nervousness and fear. Then he turned back to the doctor. "What do we do? What's next? Is this ... Am I always going to have this? Is PTSD curable?"
"For you, I suggest therapy. Talking to someone and working through your anxieties. Have strong family support. I can prescribe you something for the sleep, but only temporary as you want to avoid addiction. There's no direct cure for PTSD, but with the right help it can be managed. You'll see. It does get better."
"I have Becca, and my ex in-laws. Oh, and my assistant. I don't really have anyone else." Hunter squeezed her hand once again. "Something for sleep would be good, but I really don't think it'll help."
"I know this is rough for the both of you. There may not be a cure, but it's treatable. You won't always feel like this. You just have to make sure you do everything being suggested so it doesn't get any worse." The doctor glanced between them both.
Becca nodded and Hunter swore he would. She could tell he was still in disbelief.
"I'll be right back with some information, referrals and a new patient form for you, Becca." Leaving them alone in the room, Becca and Hunter stared at each other.
"Do you ever wonder what normal feels like?" he asked, his voice hoarse and full of frustration.
"Is there ever such a thing as normal?"
"I'd like to think so. It has to be better than this." Hunter shook his head. "PTSD. Fu-" He stopped himself from saying the word.
The doctor entered the room again minutes later, handing over some pamphlets, paperwork and prescriptions. "I know it's hard to take in, but you're not alone in this." He reached out and shook both their hands. "Please make sure you make a follow up appointment." He settled his gaze on Becca. "And you. Come back and see me."
She nodded in response as Hunter thanked him one more time, still sounding shell shocked. As they passed the desk again, Becca stopped and set her up an appointment.
She had to admit, she was just as stunned. The truth hurt, even when they had suspicions. This was only the first of the truths coming their way and she knew it.
Chapter Thirteen
The doctor had said Hunter wasn't alone in this battle, so why the hell did he feel so isolated? Why did he feel like it would never get better and the man was only giving him false hope? He'd been living with these feelings for so long, only amplifying them in the last few years, that he had no idea what it felt like not feeling so much despair, so much guilt and so much heartache.
He wanted normal, whatever normal was, because damn it, this could not be normal!
What he disliked so much was that Becca was going through this, too. What was in his head scared him enough. To think this kind of manic feeling was going through hers? It shook his world, for sure. At least if she did develop anything, it would never be as bad. Hopefully not, anyway. At least they knew what to look for. Just wow.
Medication for sleep. Talking about the dreams. Therapy, or whatever the hell they were calling it. Could he really go through with it? He didn't want pills to help him sleep, but he desperately wanted sleep. He didn't want to talk over and over about things he wished he could forget. How the hell was it supposed to help? And this never goes away? Really?
Looking over at the woman he loved, he knew he had to fight. Becca deserved to have a man who was far more together than he was. He needed to be there for her, to help and support her.
Most of all, he needed to be there for his daughter.
Yes, he could do this. He had to do do this.
But first...
He stopped, startling Becca. He folded the papers and stuck them under his left arm. Taking a deep breath, he faced her. "I need two promises from you, if you would."
She cocked her head to the side, eyes widening.
"I'm scared as hell, Bec. I don't want to admit it, but I might as well. This makes me feel so many things. I know I haven't shown you very well how much you mean to me in the last few years, and especially the last few weeks. I'm trying, but it's tough on us both." He stopped, trying to get his thoughts in order because he knew he was rambling. "I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend. You're the woman who knows me like no other, even when you don't always know me. You're my rock, my strength, my world. If I have to get on my knees right now and beg you to fight with me and not give up, I will. I don't know how to do this alone."
"You're not alone! I'm here and I'm not going to go down easily. I promise." She hugged him tight. When she let go, there were tears in her beautiful, sad eyes. "What's the second thing you want me to promise?"
"For at least twenty four hours, let's go find out what it feels like to be normal. Let's go take a drive with no destination in mind and be two different people. A couple without such a broken history. Let's take this day and find out what it feels like to be two people in love, discovering that feeling for the first time. No talk about the accident or any of the events surrounding it." He noticed her hesitation right away. "I promise you, I'll do everything to get better, including the therapy, the medication, everything! But first, let's forget we're us. Please?"
She nodded slowly. "Okay. I promise. If this is what helps you, then we'll do it."
He touched her cheek lovingly. "Thank you." Hunter wasn't sure if it would help, but it was worth a shot. He couldn't make sense of his thoughts right now if he tried.
While they dropped off his prescriptions, Hunter debated about where to go. Just to get away for a day, no strings, no drama
, nothing that resembled their current state of mind. Where could they go? He wanted to treat Becca to something special, make her feel safe, loved and treasured as that's how he felt about her, but finding the best way to show it lately became difficult.
He could take her to some art museums, then find a few outdoor things they could do. Show her some of Virginia that they barely had a chance to do since she'd been here. Now she was home and he wanted to show her all the exciting wonders around her.
They waited in line with a few snacks and drinks for the road. Hunter glanced over at Becca. Her left hand was raised to her neck. She fiddled with a necklace she wore, her lips pressed in a thin line. She seemed to be lost in thought. He wanted to brush strands of hair back and kiss her neck. Becca's soft creamy skin taunted him and he just wanted to hold her all night and give her the world.
I wish there was a way to back track and erase my mistakes. I hate how much I hurt you.
But he'd start now by working to straighten himself out.
Back in the car, they put on their seat belts and Becca tapped his arm after he started the engine. "Where are we going?"
"I thought I'd show you more of the state you now call home." He smiled at the word home. "We'll drive around, do some sightseeing, and stay somewhere quiet for the night. Let's just get lost on the road. I'm Hunter Beckman and I'll be your travel guide this evening." He saluted her.
His plan worked. A grin lit up her face. "What is your service charge?" She played along.
"Kisses. Hugs. Lots of love." He winked. "Maybe even a few of the soon to be famous Rebecca Lange paintings of at least one of the tour's stops."
Her smile almost faded, but she kept it in place. "I think it sounds fair. Bring on the tour."
*****
A Masterpiece Unraveled (The Masterpiece Trilogy Book 2) Page 12