"You don't have to say yes to this, but I do like to record these sessions. This is strictly for notes purposes. I don't share these with anyone. Completely up to you, Hunter." Dr. Ryan's gaze fixed on him.
Hunter shrugged. "Sure, it's okay I guess."
He set it on the desk and pushed a button. Hunter stared at it. Did he have to have it in plain sight?
"I can move it if you want."
Was he an open book today? Did the nervousness show that much?
He averted his gaze. "I can handle it."
"You look nervous. Are you?"
What the hell kind of question was that? "I'm always nervous lately," he admitted.
"I can imagine so."
Just how much did this guy have on him? Did he know everything already and still wanted to question him? He'd filled out plenty of paperwork answering these questions which got him this referral in the first place. Hunter shifted in the seat, crossing his ankles. He glanced around the office again. A clock on the wall. He also had a few paintings up. Nothing as great as Becca's but still, he liked the artist's style. One caught his eye and he stiffened. There was a black and white photo of an airplane, very similar to his own.
"What's caught your attention?" Dr. Ryan turned. "Ahh. The plane. Want me to take it down? It's passed on from a family member."
Hunter shook it off. "You don't have to do that. It's just that it looks like the one I own."
"Airplanes are one of your triggers, yes?"
"Triggers?" Some of the papers he'd been reading through mentioned triggers, but Hunter never put much thought into them.
"Yes. You'll want to keep a close watch on that, things that trigger your flashbacks and nightmares."
Hell, everything was a trigger then.
"Things that remind you of the event. People. Things you avoid," the doctor continued.
Hunter forced out a bitter laugh. "Everything reminds me of the event right now. I can't avoid anything!"
"You avoid flying. You're a pilot, correct?"
"I am. I avoid flying because I'm not even allowed to fly until this-" He waved his hands around his head. "-gets taken care of."
"Do you want to go back to being a pilot?"
Hell, he got him there. Hunter didn't respond.
"Thought so. Avoidance."
"I'd probably go back." Eventually. "Not on my plane, not after what happened to my girlfriend. It's a reminder for her as well."
"Your girlfriend, the other survivor, right?" The man made a face, writing something down. What was he writing? Was it about him? About Becca?
"Yes. Becca. We've stayed in touch ever since."
Question after questions came. Some Hunter found frustrating, some he answered with ease.
"Did you avoid Becca and the island because it reminded you of the crash? Is she a trigger? Maybe the island is a trigger?"
"No! That had nothing to do with it. We did leave earlier this year, but it was an odd time. I was having nightmares and flashbacks before getting back in touch with Becca. She's not a trigger," Hunter insisted. Hell, he hoped not!
"How do you feel when you have a flashback or nightmare?"
"Horrible. They're so intense. It's like I'm back there again. I keep trying to save everyone, and the feelings of guilt keep coming back."
"You had some recently where you hurt someone?"
The image of what he did to Becca filled his mind. The bruise on her arm. The way she'd been so scared when he snapped out of it. He had an image in his head of her against the wall fighting him off. He didn't remember a damn thing of it.
"Yeah," Hunter choked out, feeling an intense rush of pain and fear again. What the hell was the point of this? "I'd snapped at my ex-wife earlier that day, had been upset at Becca for something she said to my boss and then instead of talking to her, I hid. I had one of the worst nightmares, but it wasn't quite a flashback. It was more of ... I don't know. It was just a nightmare. Becca heard and tried to get to me to be comforting. I pinned her up against the wall, thinking she was the crazy woman in my dream. I don't want to keep reliving that night, either! Do I really need to go through this again? I can't. I-"
"Hunter, it's okay. I know this is extremely difficult. It's a horrid process. Let's talk about Becca. Tell me why she's so special. Every time you speak Becca's name, I can feel the love you have for her."
"She's amazing, the bravest woman I've ever known. She's gone through the same things as I have and has still come out stronger than ever. I've always wished I could be more like her, not the crazy person I am now."
"We're almost done for today. Tell me one thing. What do you want out of therapy? How do you feel about you having PTSD?"
Hunter sighed and leaned back. "I just want to know I'm going to get through. The guilt, the nightmares ... everything is getting worse. I'm irrational. I've done some not so great things. I want normal, or something close to it. I don't want to feel like I'm going to lose everything, including my mind. I don't want this. I don't want the people I love to suffer my craziness."
*****
The photos taunted her. Becca kept passing by the box and wondered, but she wasn't ready to look through them yet. She finally shoved the box out of sight so that she didn't have the constant reminder, then hid herself away to work on a new painting. It was the one of Hunter sleeping peacefully from the other day.
The sound of a door opening jarred her from her painting a few hours later. She set the brush down and headed downstairs.
"Hi." Hunter stood at the foot of the stairs with a smile and his hands behind his back.
"What are you hiding?" She loved his smile, even though it was a little mischievous and with Hunter, that could mean so many things. Still, seeing a smile on his face melted her heart.
"Want to know? Come down here," he teased.
"I was already planning on it, so that works out well." But as she took the steps down, Hunter stepped back more and more. "Hey!" she protested.
All he did was chuckle and move again.
On the table where the box had been, Becca noticed a vase with roses and another box.
"What did you go and do?" she whispered, bringing her gaze back to Hunter.
"Today was rough. Once again I had to go over and over again about the crash and the past few years of events. I needed a reminder that not everything is crazy," Hunter explained, still keeping his hands behind his back. "I needed to find something that resembled one of your dreams. So I went looking."
"Hunter..." Becca shook her head. Okay, so she did love his spontaneous side most times.
"The only good to come from a tragic event was discovering a love with someone I admire." He leaned over to kiss her cheek. "You. I need to keep showing you just how much I need you. I know it's not all about getting you things, it's so much more, but these things signify something for a future date. Something to strive for. This is just one thing." Finally he handed her what he'd been hiding behind his back. A small, rectangular box about the size that might contain a necklace or some sort of jewelry. The sparkle in Hunter's eyes heightened her anticipation.
She opened it to discover a necklace with a gorgeous dolphin charm. With a gasp, she lifted it up, studying the necklace more. "This is beautiful."
He reached for it to unclasp the back, then gestured for her to turn around. "Hold your hair up," he requested. His voice radiated with love.
She did, and he slid the necklace around her neck, then closed it. She shivered at the feel of Hunter's fingers on the back of her neck. He gently spun her around to wrap her tight in his arms. "What happened today? How did it go?"
Before answering, Hunter gave her a kiss. "Questions, questions and more questions. All about the crash. About the past few years, about you, how I'm feeling. Triggers. The works. I found myself getting agitated, emotional, and most of all, missing you like crazy."
"Triggers?"
"Yep. Things or people that trigger my nightmares and flashbacks. Like airplanes." Hunter
frowned. "The island. Possibly you."
"Me?" she squeaked. A trigger? Did this mean she wasn't good for him right now?
"Hey." He kissed the corner of her lips. "Don't get your mind worked up. I was upset when the doctor brought it up, but it might be true. I'd already had guilt, and the four years apart made me really think about it. I just have to learn to find my triggers and work through them. Is this crazy or what?"
"What do I do? Is there any way I can help?"
"Just do what you've been doing. You're always ready to listen when I wake up from a nightmare. When I have the flashbacks, you've been amazing, considering what I did to you during one. I'm supposed to try and replace the thoughts with positive ones. I'm supposed to face my fears. I don't know if you're a trigger or not, but it doesn't matter. You're everything to me and I won't lose you. I can't. You keep me together somehow."
"What if I am a trigger? How do you know? How do you figure this out?" Did her being with him cause some of his flashbacks and nightmares? What a thought!
"I've got a notebook. I need to write things down around the time I have a flashback and maybe pinpoint what triggered it, like the other day at the center. The girl who'd just come out of a recent surgery trigged a flashback of your surgery and the way I felt after. Being back on the island after fours years was one, especially after losing Jeff and the stupid landing the night of my divorce. I know planes are a trigger."
"How do you deal with them?"
"Some of them I could try to avoid, but most of them I just have to learn to cope with." Hunter shook his head. "There's so much to sort through. I hate my mind even more."
Becca flew into his arms. "I'm scared," she whispered.
"I know. Me too." Hunter wrapped his arms around her. "Hey, Dr. Ryan suggested I bring you next time. Will you come?"
"Of course. I want to be able to learn everything I can and help you when you need it most." And learn how to find out if she was a trigger and what she could do about it. "I wanted to be there with you today."
"I know. I wanted you to be there, but I noticed how you finally looked content enough to sleep. You were tossing and turning so much last night."
"I had a lot on my mind." She kept thinking about the box, Amelia, Sylvia, the Langes ... everything!
"No doubt. Hey, I have one more quick thing to ask before I show you the one last thing I brought. What happened last night with Eva? What did she say to you?"
Becca sighed. How did he find out already?
"I talked to her this morning and she felt bad for saying whatever it was she said to you."
"She's upset with me and snapped. She called me perfect and acted like I'm trying to take her place. It's fine, Hunter. I don't want to let it get to me. I didn't mean for Sienna to get so attached. I'm not trying to-"
Hunter pressed his fingers over her lips. "Please don't apologize for things you aren't doing wrong, Becca. No, it's not fine. Even if she's dealing with feelings, that's no reason to say what she did to you. It's a clear case of jealousy."
"Yes, but Sienna is her biological child, not mine!" She replied, raising her voice.
"I know, angel. It's still not your fault. Eva wasn't being the best for the past few years, making it hard for Sienna to bond with her."
"I'm afraid of overstepping. You and I are still so new as a couple." She took a step back.
"I think it'll take time. Still, she didn't have the right to get so upset at you especially over having a rough day." Hunter took her hand. "I'd love to show you the last thing I brought home. Come over here and open it." His smile returned, warming Becca's heart. She adored his smile. After everything lately, every little thing counted. He'd gone and changed the subject quickly again. Looking back, Becca wondered if that was his way of avoiding things.
He'd picked up a snow globe. An angel figure was in the middle of it. Becca carefully picked up the globe, touched.
"I always call you my angel. I saw this and instantly thought of you." Hunter pointed to the bottom. "It plays music, too. Very soothing."
Becca wound it up, then set the globe down to listen. He was right, the music was calming. "Thank you for everything."
It would be a long hard climb, but somehow she had a feeling the two of them would be on top of the mountain one day. They just had to work together to get to it. In the back of her mind, she wondered about her place in the world.
Chapter Twenty Two
"What are you going to do all day with me working?" Becca asked Hunter three days later. Today marked the first day of her new job. She was a mix of excited and nervous, but the doctors at the Lange Center were so happy to have her on board. Hunter drove her there, since they'd gone out to breakfast to celebrate the occasion.
He shrugged. "I'll probably stay there for an hour or two and check in with things I might have missed. Other than that, I'm not sure."
It bothered her that he hadn't quite found something yet. She worried about him. While he was doing the things recommended, Hunter still hadn't figured out what he wanted, and the fact that he hung around the house more and more was concerning. He'd never been one to not be busy, and he was still restless. When she'd been that way, her trail of thoughts weren't pretty, and Hunter had so much on his mind.
Well, they couldn't fix everything at once. At least he talked about it, kept up with appointments and had been making good progress. Maybe the rest would fall into place soon.
"What's that look all about?"
"What look?" Did she have a look? He sounded a little annoyed.
"The one where you're thinking something but you don't want to say it."
"Is there a handbook about my expressions now?" she teased, but Hunter didn't smile. Okaaaay.
"I'm serious, Bec," Hunter said quietly.
"I'm worried about you," she admitted, smoothing her hair back nervously. "I know you're working through this and it takes time."
He glanced over at her, his eyes narrowed. "I thought I've been doing pretty good lately."
"You are! I'm not saying anything bad. You remember how you hated to leave me alone when I stayed at the house all the time if you went places? That's how I feel about you right now."
"Are you still afraid I'm going to do something rash?" He raised his voice a bit.
"No!" Maybe. She didn't know how to explain this without getting him upset. What happened? They were on a roll of not getting in to one of these stupid arguments. "I don't think that, Hunter."
Before he turned back to the road, Becca realized he had that weird look in his eyes again.
Hunter grunted and ran a hand through his hair.
She probably shouldn't have said anything, but her initial question had been harmless, or so she thought! Of course she had concerns about Hunter's restlessness. He'd always been one to find something to do. When he wasn't making sure she was okay, Hunter stared off into an unknown state of mind lately.
Becca sighed.
The red light ahead of them loomed, but Hunter didn't slow down. "Hunter!" Becca shrieked, cringing. She anticipated a crash and thud. Could he really stop in time?
"Damn it!" He hit the brakes. Hard. The car screeched to a stop just inches from the car ahead of them.
Becca closed her eyes and counted to ten, hoping her erratic heartbeat would calm down. What just happened? Why didn't he stop before she yelled?
"Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay. Beeca- I spaced. I swear that light was green just a second ago!" Hunter touched her arm.
She shook her head. "It wasn't. That light's been red at least a minute!" How could he not know that?
"No, I-" He shook his head, genuinely confused.
"It's green now," Becca pointed out. A car honked impatiently behind them. Hunter drove through the intersection and pulled into a parking lot on the other side.
"I swear it was just green. I don't know what just happened. I don't know what's with me this morning." He covered his face with his hands. "I thought this was getting better.
I'm still losing it."
Not really sure what to say, Becca reached for his hands. She gently pried one away from his face. "It's going to take time. It won't go away all at once. I'm sorry if I pushed you to this today."
"Bec, no! You didn't do anything wrong. Damn it, please don't think that." Hunter pointed to his head. "It's me. It's in here. I got defensive when I shouldn't have. I know you're worried. You have every right to be. I'm a mess."
She almost debated on suggesting she stay home with him today, but Hunter wouldn't want that. Besides, it would probably cause more tension between them. She leaned her head back on the headrest, deep in thought.
"I don't know how to make this stop," Hunter muttered. "I know you didn't mean it this way at all, but it felt like you couldn't deal with me not having something to do. Hell, it sounds ridiculous as I say it out loud. I guess I feel pressured to get back to everything the way it was before this happened." Again, he pointed to his head as he said it.
Avoidance. He still hadn't accepted what the doctors said.
"I don't mean to pressure you. I just know how it feels to lose something that made me feel free. That's all. I just want you to have your life back as much as you do. Hunter, why do you say 'this' and point to yourself instead of PTSD?"
"Because I still have a hard time with it. Twenty years have passed. Why do I continue to dredge up the past in my head? Why me? To think it never fully goes away and that it could resurface at any time? I don't like not being in control. I mean, I could have hurt or killed someone today! I don't remember spacing out even for a second. My mood changes as often as the weather. I woke up fine this morning! No nightmares. I had decent sleep." He shook his head, then grasped her hand. "I don't know how to do this."
Holding back her tears, Becca moved to hug him. "A day at a time, that's how. You and me." She slid her arms around him, one of them cupping the back of his head and her fingers combed through his hair.
*****
"Not only are you an amazing artist, but you have such a passion for it!" Dr. Velez exclaimed. "Only an hour in, and the patients are awed by you. I think you're going to do wonders here. Thank you, Becca."
A Masterpiece Unraveled (The Masterpiece Trilogy Book 2) Page 21