by Sally Henson
I hold my hands out, pleading for him to listen, laying this all out for him. “This is what scares me. You know I want to save myself for my future husband—give a gift just for him. I don’t want to worry if he really loves me or if it’s a mistake or feel weird about him seeing my body. I want it to be special and amazing. I want to wait because that’s God’s design.”
Lane dips his head, arching his eyebrows as he speaks, “My kiss was amazing, but feeling that way scared you?”
I fold my arms on the table and rest my forehead on them, hiding my face. The words spewed out of me like a volcano erupting. “Am I making any sense?”
“I know what you’re saying, but I’m not asking you to bare your naked body to me.”
I lift my head and peek at him. He’s smirking, again. This isn’t a joke to me.
“I know, but it’s a slippery slope, Lane. Look at all the kids our age who’ve crossed the line. There’s no way I could become a marine scientist with a baby or being married at eighteen. I'll never be able to get out of this god-forsaken town and start a career if I give in to the way your kiss made me feel.” Fear burns through me at the thought of losing my future.
Lane reaches across the table to touch my arm, his brows drawn together. “Whoa.” His voice is soft and gentle. “We’re not on that slope. We're on flat ground here, Regan. No hills. No slopes.”
“I don't think we understand how easy it is to lose control when our bodies are reacting in that way.”
“Were you losing control? I couldn't tell.” He bites his lower lip in an attempt to hide his satisfied grin. But it’s plain to see in his eyes, too.
Maybe it was just me. “You didn't like it?”
“Oh, I liked it. Very much,” he whispers with that “kiss me” expression I'm learning to recognize.
“This is kind of freaking me out. I don't want to lose my way, Lane, but, I don't want to lose my best friend either.”
He tilts his head back, staring at the leaves of the trees and sky above us. “Regan,” he sighs and looks back to me. “You're freaking out for no reason.”
31
Regan
I fold my arms across my chest and growl, “I have plenty of reasons. Susanna’s living proof of all the reasons I should put dating and everything that goes with that on hold.”
Lane shakes his head, flipping his hand up from the table. “You’re not Susanna. And I’m not pushing for any of that.”
“I know.” My chest caves in. “I know you're not.” I press my fingers to my temples and slowly shake my head back and forth. “We're impossible.”
Lane reaches over, asking permission with a look to hold my hands. I'm a little skeptical but give him the go-ahead. “We're not impossible. You're sixteen. I'm eighteen. And a kiss is not sex. You know I'm with you on waiting until marriage.”
I roll my eyes. “I know a kiss is not sex. Geez.” I look down at our hands and groan. “I mean … I know that. But since that was my first kiss …” I throw my head back and look up to the heavens. I don't even know what I'm saying. “It was more than I ever expected. I thought it would be gross kissing you.”
“Gross?” Lane scowls, twisting his lips to the side and pulling his hands back to his lap. “Gee, thanks.”
“Because you're my best friend. You know what I mean.” I fold my arms on the table so I hide my face again. I want to share everything with him so he understands, but it's so hard to put this into words. “I'm really nervous about this. And what about the rules for the G5? They would be so ticked at me.” I peek at him to gauge his expression. At least he’s not making a joke out of this anymore.
“Well …” He dips his head, takes my hands again, and brings me in with his eyes. “No one like those rules except you girls. Besides, we don’t have to tell anyone right now.” He flashes that gorgeous smile I can’t resist. “Let’s just figure things out as we go. We’ve had this spark between us for a long time.”
I blink away the dazzle he’s emanating and do my best to focus back on our conversation.
“So,” he continues, “you know and accept there’s something more between us? You're all right with us stealing gazes, shoulder rubs, hugs, checking each other out?”
“No. There should not be something more between us. We shouldn't really be checking each other out either. I mean, it leads to other things. Don't you think?”
He huffs. “Okay, we'll be more aware, and you can try not to do that so much. We're agreed we won't date or see anyone else?”
My shoulders drop. “Lane. You're not listening to me.”
“Yes, I am. You said stealing gazes, neck rubs, kisses, playing with your hair is okay—we already do it anyway as friends.”
I do want kissing and gazing and neck rubs. But I can't go there. Is it possible to stab your own self in the back? My head and my heart battle for control. I have to be disciplined. “No kissing. No being boyfriend-girlfriend or anything that goes with that. Just friends.”
“So, we’ll see only each other, but won't be dating each other.” He raises his eyebrows, weighing my terms.
I groan. “Yes, Lane. You said everything can stay the same. Do you mean that?” My voice is getting a little loud. I need to reign it in a bit, but I also need to know. My lips stretch into a thin line as I consider he wants more than I can give. “It won't be enough, will it? You'll continue to push the boundaries.” My heart and brain continue battling.
I try to pull my hands free, but Lane holds tight.
“Don't.” He leans in closer. “Don't start playing out all those scenarios your brain comes up with. They're not real.” His eyes are pleading as he squeezes my hands. “What we have is enough. It's more than we realized. I just want you to admit we have something more, something special. You're important to me, Regan.” His voice is soft but strained.
I can't seem to look away from his eyes. “You're important to me, too, but—”
“It's enough. You are enough. We are enough.”
I scour his face for a sign of remorse or doubt, but see only persistence and determination.
“Best friends, no matter what, remember?” He coaxes me with his smile and bottomless, crystalline eyes to answer him.
My shoulders fall into place and I sigh. “No matter what,” I murmur, though the doubt of his willingness to stay as we are lingers in the back of my mind.
We sit in comfortable silence for a few moments.
“Come on.” Lane stands and nods toward the lake. “Let’s walk down to the water.”
Lane keeps his hands in his pockets and doesn’t try anything weird like holding my hand. Crap, is he going to want to do that? I wrap my arms around myself so it’s not even an option. Would I like it if he did, though? Ugh, this is so confusing.
The closer we get to the edge of the curvy bank, the more the tension peels away from my mind and body. I don’t know why it has that effect on me, but it does. Working next to the ocean is going to be amazing.
We never come here to hang out or fish. If we hadn’t just talked about the rules and sex for what felt like hours, I might suggest we squat in the grass and enjoy the view. Silent seconds turn into minutes and I begin to think about what I need to do the rest of the day.
“What time is it? I have to get Mom's car back to her.”
Lane pulls his phone out of his back pocket. “Twelve forty.”
I turn motioning to the vehicles up the hill. “Aren't you late for work?”
“No.” Lane follows my lead and explains the store is cutting back. He lost his job.
I reach out and squeeze his arm. “Oh, no. I’m sorry.”
He glances at my hand on his arm before I let go. “It’s okay. School starts soon anyway.” He nudges my arm with his. “I was hoping we could spend a lot more time together and this frees me up.”
Yes, I want to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. No, I don’t think I’m going to want to spend it the way he’s thinking.
Nea
r our vehicles, he asks, “You have open gym tonight, right? Will your mom be back in time for you to drive?”
“I'm going to have her drop me off at Tobi's on her way into town. I haven't been there all week and Tobi's starting to ask questions.”
“I'll take you to Tobi's.”
I sigh as I unlock the door. Yeah, sure. Lane said we could keep everything to ourselves, but Tobi will figure out something’s up because I feel weird and uncomfortable around him now.
“We should spend as much time together as we can. I'll be gone in a couple weeks.”
His words remind me of Susanna's experience.
He leans his hand against the door, standing behind me. “Look, I know there's a little awkwardness between us right now. But it’ll fade away, if we let it.” He pauses. His breath blows through my hair. “Unless you don't want to spend time together anymore.” Dropping his hand, he leans against the door, and slides in front of me, crossing his arms. “I thought we were on the same page, here?”
I look away and shift my weight to one leg. “We are.”
He tilts his head so I'll look him in the eye. “Then what's going on? Why don't you want me to take you to Tobi's?”
I shrug and keep my turn my head the other direction.
“Have you told Tobi about Sunday?”
“No.”
“Anyone else?”
I look down at my feet. “No.”
“I haven't, either.” He lifts my chin. “So, no one knows. But they'll know something's up if we don't spend time together like we should.”
Ugh. He's right. “Fine. Come over around two. I should probably be at her place somewhere around two-thirty.”
“All right, then. It’s settled. That wasn’t so hard was it?” he chuckles, his face glowy and confident from winning.
“Depends if you like getting your fingernails pulled out one by one or not.” I deadpan, keeping a mask of indifference on.
He shakes his head a couple times wearing those stupid dimples that always seems to soften me up. Why does he have to be so good-looking all the time?
I’m trying to be difficult, but he pours on his silent charm and it cracks my mask.
His expression changes as he looks down at me and the warning bells go off in my body like they did in the shed before he kissed me. I can feel my eyes widen the same time my belly quivers.
He scoops me up in a big hug, turning us around so we’ve switched places. “I’ll see you after while,” he says, setting me back on my feet.
I reach behind me and fumble for the door handle. “Okay.” I open the door and slide in, and pull the door shut behind me.
He grins, taking a few backward steps toward his truck as I start the jeep and back out. Through the rearview mirror I see Lane bounce to his truck door while I drive down the path.
When he disappears from my view, I let my head bounce back against the headrest. My body is a mangled twisted pile of exhausted muscles. One minute I'm on edge the next I feel like a limp noodle.
This talk with Lane didn’t go exactly like I wanted, though I admit I’m not exactly sure about what that was, or is. Maybe he'll forget about this idea of us being more than friends. The workload for college is much more than we're used to in high school. At least that's what I’ve heard. As I drive away from him, a hollow feeling swirls inside my gut.
Ugh, I’m going to miss him so much.
32
Regan
Morning practice is the usual—running and drills. The good news is there's no open gym tonight. Woo-hoo! I’d already planned to hang out with Tobi after morning practice until open gym anyway, so we're thrilled we don't have to go back in today. Tobi and I walk across the school parking lot together and slide in her blacked-out Toyota Camry SE. She keeps it spotless.
I sink into her leather seat. It’s a lot more comfortable than her work truck.
Practice has been rough as Hades for me this week and it feels nice to sit down. She does the same, and we both blow out a breath of relief at the same time. I'm glad this week of volleyball is over.
Tobi cranks the engine. “Let's get out of here before coach changes her mind.”
I nod and lean my seat back to look out her moon roof at the blue sky and puffy clouds. The memory of when I woke next to Lane by the creek pops into my mind. I let it play out.
“What are you smiling about?” Tobi interrupts my daydream.
“Hmm?” I blink away my trance and clear my throat. “Oh, uh, nothing. What’re you thinking of?”
She lowers her chin and pulls one corner of her mouth up. “A brilliant plan.”
I giggle as she lays out the new agenda for the gang to all meet and help her check fence. She's the Tom Sawyer of fence checking.
I use her phone to text everyone. Lane's helping some neighbor bale hay until noon. I slouch into the seat some more and try to mask my face from Tobi. We're almost to her house.
How is it going to work if Lane shows up? It's only been a couple days. No one knows he kissed me or that I liked it. I want to keep it that way, but it's already different between us.
I shut my eyes for a moment and feel my heart spiral to the pit of my stomach. Think about something else, Regan. Lane’s still my best friend. That's it. I shove it out of my mind and think about how much fun we're going to have driving around all day.
Lane arrives soon after we get to Tobi’s. He must’ve driven a hundred miles an hour to get here. I’m chewing the last bite of my granola bar when he walks into the kitchen. He smiles his brilliant smile framed by his dimples. My chest hums with my hearts reaction, but try to squash it down so that neither he nor Tobi notices.
I dart my eyes all around the room during our conversations. I look everywhere but at him, but he seems to have no problem staring at me. I can feel his warm gaze against my skin. I hope Lane and I can work out the awkwardness between us before Cameron shows up. Cameron picks up on those types of vibes. I don’t know how, but he does.
When Cameron and Haylee finally makes his entrance, Tobi gives us instructions. All we need to do is ride along the fence and make sure the wire is connected to the insulators, the insulators are securely fastened to the post, and nothing else is touching the wire. Tobi uses a machete to cut the weeds down. If they touch the wire, it weakens and sometimes breaks the electric current. Occasionally there's a sapling or something too big for the machete, so she chops those down with a hatchet. No wonder she's so tough.
It only takes us a couple of hours to check fence, and then we’re free to drive around the countryside in ATVs and goof off. Cameron brought his out. It has bucket seats and room for two people. Tobi's has a bench seat we can squeeze two girls and a guy or three girls on. We have a lot of Bridlow fire drills. Stop, slide through one side, run in a figure eight around both ATVs, and jump back in a different seat. Cameron won't let anyone drive, but him, though.
An hour into our ride, we find ourselves at the river bottoms. The sun is bright and it's hot out today. Tobi leads us to a beach along the slow-moving water. We pull our shoes off and dig our toes in the sand. The guys tear off their T-shirts and jump in.
I catch myself staring at Lane's half-naked body and drop my eyes to the sandy soil around my feet. I mash my lips together. I hate this. I hate knowing that I watch him like that. I lie back on the ground with the crook of my arm covering my eyes and bask in the sun.
Tobi bolts for the water yelling for Haylee and me to get in. Haylee grabs my arm and pulls me up to get in. We're soaked from head to toe. The tight pull of the rubber band is starting to give me a headache. I throw my cap on the bank and pull the rubber-band out of my hair and shake it out. Tobi and Haylee do the same.
I catch a glimpse of Lane watching me. It makes my heart skip a beat, but I try to ignore him. I dip back into the water and let it flow through my hair to cool me down. It doesn't take long for they guys to start splashing us. They claim victory, but I call it a tie.
33
We all la
y on the bank in the sun to dry our clothes before we head back to Tobi's. It felt like we were little kids playing today. I chuckle to myself. I miss this fun stuff. No worries, just enjoying the moment. Lane’s beside me. I try not to look at his shirtless form as I lie there and listen to the conversations going on around us. I laugh and throw in my verbal jabs at Cameron's crazy stories.
“Regan?” Lane calls my attention with his voice low enough only I can hear him.
“Hmm?” I keep my arm covering my eyes, knees up, and feet flat on the ground. The sun warms my skin like a hug. I’m so comfortable I don't want to move a muscle.
He doesn't reply.
I wait.
Nothing.
Did I imagine his voice calling me? I raise my arm enough to peek a glance at him and suck in a quick breath when I realize how close his face is to mine.
There’s about four inches from my nose to his, and he’s staring. He gets some kind of twisted pleasure from startling me. He laughs quietly, lying on his side with his shirtless body blocking us from the others behind him.
My eyes flicker across his skin until my brain tells me what I’m doing. Why am I checking him out when I know I shouldn’t? My lids slam shut, and I rest the crook of my arm back over my face.
“Why won't you look at me?” His voice is soft and gloomy. “You've barely looked at me or talked to me all day.”
My heart sinks. I thought I was talking to him. Earlier. Yeah, I've been avoiding eye contact but not conversation. Have I? Only since we’ve been here. While he has his shirt off. My arms and legs suddenly feel like ten-pound weights anchored to the ground. Maybe I shouldn’t answer. It's not a good idea to say anything where our friends could hear us.
He runs his fingers across my forearm, down my palm to my fingertips resting on the sandy dirt between us. It sends shock waves through my body.