by Lou Cameron
Gaston didn’t argue. Teresa looked blank and said, ‘You just told them we would stay here for the night, no?’
The American said, ‘I don’t always mean what I say. It’s a good thing I don’t. We’d never get your grandfather’s approval. What we’re really going to do goes like so: We fort up and sit tight until the others leave. Then we get to work with our own little machetes and build our own raft, farther downstream. Then we do some moonlight drifting on our own.’
‘But, Dick, you said we would follow this trail back?’
‘Jesus, haven’t you been bitching about all this walking, kitten? Why walk when you can ride? There are fishing villages on both sides of the river mouth. We’ll stick with the ones on this side. Then we’ll hire a lugger to run us down the coast to Limón the easy way.’
Teresa clapped her hands like a little girl and said, ‘Oh, it is all so simple once you point it out! But for why did you have to fib to our comrades about your plans just now?’
‘Make that “former comrades,” and let’s hope I was just using a rubber in a hole I wasn’t sure of. How far do you think we ought to go, Gaston?’
The Frenchman grunted. ‘This pack is très fatigué. A quarter kilometer should do it. Nobody is about to stroll that far unless he means something more serious than taking the pee pee, non?’
‘Yeah, we don’t want to get too far from the river, and I still hope we’re being overcautious.’
He led the way until he spotted a nice fallen log off to the left of the trail and said, ‘Here we go. The growth’s too thick on the far side for anyone to sneak up behind us.’
The three of them piled their gear on the far side of the mossy log and joined it there. He told Teresa to keep her head down as he and Gaston casually braced their carbines to cover the trail and the wall of solid greenery beyond. The green was starting to turn black, and Teresa had just told them that they were crazy and that a bug was crawling up her leg when Captain Gringo hissed, ‘Silencio! We have visitors.’
It was Marcos, a couple of other guys, and yeah, Rosita, and the Maxim. Captain Gringo wanted to get it settled, so he called out in a pleasant enough tone, ‘Going somewhere, amigos y amigas?’
Marcos hissed a command, and his followers, including the girl, fanned out to take cover. Captain Gringo sighed and said, ‘How soon they forget. Hey, Rosita?’
‘I am sorry, Dick. I love you, as you know, but Marcos is right. You know too much.’
‘I was afraid you might come up with that dumb idea. But, no shit, Rosita, don’t fire that machine gun at us. I mean it.’
She must not have thought he was in charge anymore. Marcos told her to see what a full burst would do to their log.
So naturally Rosita took aim from behind a buttress root, tried to fire a full burst, and naturally wound up dead.
As the rear action of the Maxim blew up in Rosita’s face, Marcos staggered out into open view, blood streaming through his fingers as he tried to hold an eyeball in. Gaston shot him. Captain Gringo fired at the sound of crashing on the far side of the trail and was rewarded for his efforts by the sound of an anguished scream and no more sounds of running. He grimaced and said, ‘At least one got away. Let’s hope he delivers the right message.’
Teresa raised her eyes above the log. She saw the distant hand of Rosita, sprawled like a stomped pink spider on the now bloody trail.
Teresa gasped. ‘How did you do that, Dick?’
So he said, ‘I told her not to fire. But you may have noticed how willful she could be. I changed the head spacing on the Maxim before I turned it over to more careless children. It was no use to us now but is still a wicked toy to leave around the house. I was hoping they wouldn’t fire it until they got back to their own army and someone who knew better. But they didn’t. So that’s that.’
‘Oh, my God, she is still bleeding over there! What is this head thing you did to her poor head? I fail to understand, Dick.’
‘So did she. That’s why her head’s still draining. There’s a plate in the automatic bolt action. It adjusts to take longer or shorter rounds. If it’s screwed too tight, guess what happens?’
‘I do not have to guess. Is there no end to your trickery, Dick?’
‘I hope not. Guys in my line of work wind up dead when they run out of tricks, querida.’
There were no further attempts on their lives by their erstwhile friends. Most of the others had thought it was a dumb idea in the first place, elected a new, smarter leader, and did what they’d been told to do by Captain Gringo. Once it was dark enough for scouting, Captain Gringo left Teresa with Gaston to check and, sure enough, found that the guerrillas had crossed the San Juan to a fate unknown.
After that it was what Gaston called soup of the duck to cut a few soft balsa logs, lash them together, and float down the river themselves. The current carried them to the broad mouth by dawn, and they poled ashore at a friendly fishing village where things got even friendlier when they flashed some dinero. A couple of fishermen with a seagoing lugger and nothing better to do agreed to take them down to Limón. There was no telephone or telegraph from here to there, but Teresa relaxed once she saw that they were making good time across the constant trade winds and that the cabin she was given to share with Captain Gringo in the bows had a lock on the door.
He assured her he understood that this honeymoon cruise, if that was the proper name for it, was to be the last time they could be so wicked. But by the time they were putting into Limón, Teresa had her duds and her snooty expression back in place. She warned him that her grandfather would kill them both if he ever found out they’d been more than platonic. He told her to stop harping on the subject. He knew the rules and he just wanted to get it over with.
At Captain Gringo’s suggestion the lugger put in at the less fashionable end of the quay. He paid them off and hailed a passing hack to take Teresa to Don Alberto’s town house. It was getting dark again when they arrived. He’d planned it that way.
Gaston suggested sneaking around to the back. He told him not to be silly and led Teresa to the front door, explaining, ‘Even wicked step-grandmothers have to be careful about gunning people down in the street.’
The door opened. The guy inside was one of the goons he and Gaston had tangled with earlier. That was a break. They knew whose side he was on. He looked astounded to see Teresa and hauled all three of them in, explaining, ‘You just missed El Patrón! He has gone up to the highlands for to look for la señora!’
Captain Gringo asked, ‘Can you reach him by telephone?’ and the tough said, ‘Not this momento. We can leave a message for him at the railroad station up there, of course.’
‘Bueno. Do that. We’ll stay with la señora until we know she’s been safely delivered. Speaking of señoras, where’s this one’s loving step-grandmother at the moment?’
‘La Señora Montalban is right upstairs, of course. I shall tell her you are here before I go for to telephone El Patrón!’
Teresa whimpered, ‘Pero no! I do not wish to see her until my grandfather is here!’ But Captain Gringo shook his head and said, ‘That sounds rude. We may as well have it out with all concerned, Teresa. Let’s see what she has to say.’
The hireling led them into a drawing room and told them he’d get the lady of the house. As the two soldiers of fortune took seats and lit up, Teresa paced nervously and insisted, ‘I am frightened! You have no idea how treacherous she can be, Dick.’
He said, ‘We’re both armed and treacherous too. Sit down and take a load off it. If it’s the same Melina I know, she's going to be sort of nervous too.’
It wasn’t. The door opened, and a poised young blonde came in to greet Teresa with a big hug, saying, ‘I am so happy you have been rescued, my poor darling! Was it too awful for you, dear Teresa?’
Captain Gringo stared in wonder at the beautiful young wife of old Don Alberto. Whatever this blonde was, she wasn’t cheap. It took lots of dinero to hang jewelry like that on any dame. He
r beige silk gown was cut low, and the diamonds winking out between her proud cleavage were worth a fortune. The boobs weren’t bad, either.
She let Teresa go and turned to them as they both rose, saying, ‘You must be the brave caballeros my husband sent for to rescue the child. He told me about you. You must stay until we can call him back from another wild-goose chase, eh? I am sure he wishes for to reward you properly!’
Teresa backed against the stucco wall and hissed, ‘They most certainly won’t leave me here at your mercy, you bitch!’
Melina Montalban looked startled and asked, ‘What on earth are you talking about, you poor thing? Since you bring the matter up in front of strangers, let us agree that we have never been too fond of one another. But I have done nothing calling for such an insulting term, even in private!’
Teresa shook her head and sneered. ‘It’s no use pretending now. We know all about your plan to have me kidnapped, you bitch or, if that does not suit you, puta!’
Melina gasped and would have slapped Teresa had not Captain Gringo moved between them, soothing, ‘Now girls, let’s be nice.’
The blonde insisted, ‘She just accused me of a crime! I won’t have it! We have been worried sick about her, and now she says I/ had something to do with ... whatever happened. I confess I am most confused right now. The last thing I expected her to say was that I was a kidnapper!’
He said, ‘Yeah, I’d better explain. Gaston, watch the door. We don’t want anyone listening while we rehash a little family business.’
As Gaston did so, the blonde asked, ‘Do you know what this is all about, Captain Gringo?’
So he said, ‘I didn’t, for sure, until you walked in just now. I was supposed to think Don Alberto’s wife was a cheap tramp who picked up guys at the paseo. I was supposed to think a lot of things, I guess.’
Teresa sobbed. ‘Dick, you have to keep her from hurting me. You must not listen to a thing she says!’
He said, ‘Sit down and shut up. She hasn’t said anything. That’s because she doesn’t know anything. Game’s over, toots. But if you’re a very good little girl, we may still be able to keep this in the family. Your partners in crime are all dead, and you didn’t do all that much. So maybe your wicked step-grandmother will forgive you.’
Teresa buried her face in her hands and began to sob for effect. Captain Gringo turned back to the more sensible woman and said, ‘I guess I’d better start at the beginning.’
She said, ‘I wish you would.’
So he said, ‘Once upon a time there was a little girl named Teresa. Her mama was dead, her poppa was dead, even her husband was dead. But she had a grandfather. A very rich one. She was his only heir. Or she was until he married a wicked step-grandmother.’
‘Do I look wicked, Captain Gringo?’
‘Call me Dick. You’d have looked wicked wearing wings and a halo. Because when Don Alberto goes, all he has goes to you. She tried to con us with some jazz about you being the heir to her fortune. But I couldn’t help wondering why even a wicked step-grandmother would risk a serious crime and a very annoyed husband to get her greedy mitts on a lousy little horse ranch when she was already stinking rich.’
‘I could have told you that. I have money in my own right.’
‘Never mind. Even if you’d been a cheap tramp, you’d still be the heir to the Montalban fortune and Teresa wouldn’t. So she and her foreman, no doubt a good friend, cooked up a wild plan to make you look bad and pick up a little spending money while they were about it. I don’t think Teresa was interested in the ransom, but she had to offer old Pedro something better than ... never mind.’
‘I know about “never mind.” I have been married before. But in what way was a staged kidnapping supposed to reflect on me, Dick?’
‘You were being framed. First they hired a blonde who looked a little bit like you to use your name when she picked up guys in a trampy way, free. Her pimp was probably the one posing as El Jefe. Never mind how I know all this. Suffice it to say that I was now in a position to tell Don Alberto that I might have tripped over his young cheating wife once I put two and two together to get, say, eight and a half.’
‘Was this other Melina any good?’ asked the real Melina with an amused but frosty smile.
He smiled back, sheepishly, and replied, ‘It wouldn’t have worked if I really met you. I just did and it didn’t. After establishing that you were a cheap bimbo with no brains, they dragged us into the caper by using my name on a dumb ransom note. I did just what they expected. Thank God your husband was as cool as they expected him to be, señora. Then, once they had Gaston and me interested in rescuing his granddaughter, they kidnapped us so we could do so.’
‘Oh, no!’ wailed Teresa. ‘You really did save me from those terrible bandits!’
He shook his head and said, ‘Not exactly. They made sure we had no guns and gave us a chance to get you out of that hut you were supposed to be a prisoner in. I’m sorry I hit that so-called rapist so hard, or was he for real? Some of the gang might not have been fed the whole story, dumb as they looked.’
She sobbed. ‘You know you saved me, just in the nick of time!’
He shrugged and said, ‘Sloppy way to run a railroad, but what the hell. Whatever we did, we didn’t get to finish rescuing you. Another gang wiped out your friends and drafted us into the Nicaraguan army for a while. Am I talking too fast for you, Señora Montalban?’
‘No, go ahead, this is getting interesting, Dick.’
‘Okay, once the so-called kidnapper’s confederates were dead and Teresa was really missing, they didn’t know what the hell to do. Old Pedro did the dumbest thing he could. He tried to pick up the ransom, anyhow, and we all know what happened to him. Teresa, here, made up a story about house servants drugging her. Since that was a lot of bull, we can assume that all the important plotters are out of action. It was a little complicated getting your long-lost child back here tonight, but suffice it to say we did. We were supposed to deliver her to Don Alberto and back up her charges that you were behind her abduction. The clues all pointed the other way. The people of this household all seemed to be good guys while all the known bad guys worked for Teresa, but she does tell a convincing story, and until you walked in just now to drop the last pieces of the puzzle in place, I’ll have to admit that I was still a bit confused. Not sold but, yeah, confused. The Melina I was expecting to meet acts so stupid, she could have been up to anything.’
The real Melina smiled at him and asked, ‘Do I seem intelligent to you, Dick?’
He nodded and said, ‘Yeah. Even if you looked dumb, that diamond necklace alone is worth way more than the kidnappers figured to have to share at least a dozen ways. I hope you’re really smart, though. Because now we’d better talk about the way this story ends.’
Teresa pointed a finger at Captain Gringo and wailed, ‘Do not listen to his lies, Melina! He raped me too!’
Melina sighed and said, ‘Oh, shut up. How do you think the story should end, Dick?’
‘Teresa lies good. She’ll say anything you tell her to say, to save her own neck. It’s your move, señora.’
Melina stared thoughtfully down at the now very frightened Teresa. She murmured, ‘It would break my husband’s heart to hear that his own granddaughter could be such a dreadful little sneak. I do not imagine that he would like to hear about her being raped by anyone, do you?’
‘I don’t think he’d even want to hear she’d been kissed. But should anyone ever twist my arm, I guess I’ll have to tell them what she did with another woman too.’
Gaston protested from the doorway, ‘Teresa, you never told me while we were making love that you went in for that sort of thing!’
She could only stare at him in numb horror. Melina soothed, ‘There, there, I feel sure we all agree that you Caballeros rescued her from those awful people with her honor still intact. Since no ransom was ever paid, the monsters who abducted her are all dead, and the dear child’s back safe and sound, so other
details don’t seem important, do they, Teresa, darling?’
The girl stared up at the woman she hated, licked her lips, and asked, ‘You do not intend to accuse me when my grandfather returns, Melina, dear?’
‘Why should I? He is my husband, and despite what you may think of me, I do not wish him to suffer a stroke or, in truth, even to feel less than love for his only grandchild. So now that we have all agreed on our story, perhaps we can allow the matter to rest there, eh? You were abducted by treacherous servants, these kind caballeros rescued you unharmed, and that, as they say, shall be that.’
Teresa leapt up, dropped to her knees at Melina’s feet, and wrapped her arms around the older woman’s legs, sobbing with relief. The cool blonde said, ‘Let’s not get sickening about this, you silly little snip. I said we could forget it, not that I liked you one bit, and from now on, when I shout froggy, dear Teresa, you had better be prepared for to jump!’
Shoving the near hysterical girl away, the Junoesque blonde turned to Captain Gringo and said, ‘Now that that is settled, you will no doubt wish to remain here until Don Alberto returns.’
He said, ‘We can go back to our posada for now, señora. If he wants to say thanks, he can always find us there,’
She shook her blond head firmly and insisted, ‘No. I wish for you to be here when he returns. I think I can control this brat now, but if I can’t and have to change my story, I shall need someone to back me up.’
From the floor Teresa wailed, ‘I will never try for to get you in trouble again, Melina!’
But the older woman said, ‘You had better not. I still trust you as I trust a very stupid snake. Will you not stay, caballeros? I assure you we will do everything to make you feel welcome.’
The soldiers of fortune exchanged glances. Gaston said, ‘We may not be able to get our old rooms at the posada back in any case.’ So Captain Gringo said, ‘Well, since you put it that way, señora, a night in a real bed won’t hurt us, for a change.’
She moved over to a bell pull to ring for servants, and the next thing they knew, they were enjoying a full course meal, four star brandy, and some of Don Alberto’s expensive perfectos. Their hostess told them to help themselves to extra smokes for later. So they did.