by York, Zoe
Damnit. He tapped back a quick response. Roger. Am available. Keep me posted.
“Your phone going to explode?” Tasha tapped his arm. “You can go. I just panicked. I’m fine on my own.”
“No one should be alone in the hospital if they’ve got the option of a friend. Just some work stuff, but it’s not urgent.” Dani, on the other hand, was urgent. “But I would like to go see my girlfriend for a few minutes.”
“Go. The way things sound out there”—she waved beyond the curtain— “makes me think I’m going to be here for a while. Low priority and all that.”
He stood and patted her foot. “Text me if you find out any more before I get back?”
She nodded and he brushed his way through the curtain, not caring that he got a dirty look from the nurse for having his phone in his hand.
— —
Dani sat in the third floor lounge—a quiet spot few people knew about, particularly at this time of day—and stared at her phone. She’d just finished talking to Tom, who’d filled her in on the call for volunteers. As a park ranger, he worked a reduced schedule in the winter months and could easily take some time off, so he was heading to the armouries now. And knowing Jake’s work schedule—and sense of community responsibility—she knew he’d be going to help out as well, because he could.
So when he asked her not to leave town just yet, she agreed. Home was thirty minutes north, and if Jake had his uniform in his truck, he wouldn’t need to make the return trip before reporting at the armouries.
No matter how thrown she was by what she’d learned overnight, she wouldn’t make him chase her.
And if this was their only chance to connect in the next few days, she wouldn’t waste it by being petulant and pouty.
Didn’t mean she’d be all sunshine and light, either. His ex-something was pregnant, and he’d been called to the hospital to hold her hand. And he’d come. Was he just being a good friend? Or was there more there? Something complicated and heavy and permanent?
Where are you?
She texted him her location and waited. It took an impossibly short and ridiculously long amount of time for him to find her, like time was flexing in all directions as her heart thudded in her chest.
He stepped off the elevator and she watched him looking before he caught sight of her. The slightly wild scan he was doing with his eyes broke her heart a little.
“Over here,” she said, a double dose of deja vu slamming into her. How many times had he come looking for her? She was always his priority, and it was never easy.
“You stayed,” he said roughly, pulling her against him after he crossed the lounge in a few long strides.
“How is…she?”
“Fine. How are you?”
She laughed, short and without humour. “Just a regular night at work.”
“Hardly.” He squeezed her tight. “You gotta know…there’s a chance it’s not mine. We were careful. We used…”
She winced as he trailed off. “Maybe let’s not talk about it until you know one way or the other.”
“Tell me we’re going to be okay, Dani.” His voice cracked.
“I’m right here.” That was all she could promise him—that they were okay in the here and now. Shaky as fuck, but okay.
“You talk to your brothers? Hear about the power outages?”
She nodded. “I’m going home to sleep for a bit, then I’ll probably be working tonight again.”
“One of these days, gorgeous…”
“Yeah.”
He cupped her cheek, tilting her head back. His thumb traced her cheekbone, a slow and possessive slide that sent shivers all the way to her toes. “I love you. Only you. No matter what.”
Unless a woman that looked a lot like her had his child. That would be a trump card. She knew Jake. They hadn’t talked about it yet, but he was born to be a father. And a family man, nothing part-time about it.
“No,” he said fiercely. “Don’t think that. Whatever just made you shutter yourself like that…If there are consequences to something I did before we were together, I’ll do the right thing. By a child. But also by you. Always by you. There’s nothing between Tasha and me.”
Dani closed her eyes. She didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to feel the wave of panic rising in her chest or the desperate need to hang on to him like he might slip through her grasp.
He swore under his breath. “Damnit. I wish there was a way to undo whatever I’ve done in the past. But she’s not…it was never a special thing between us.”
His chest shook with emotion as he stormed out the words, and she ached to believe him. No, she did believe him, because he didn’t look happy to admit that—she knew he hated how that sounded, like something Matt would say. And it was okay…for Matt. And maybe that was part of the problem, that Jake held himself to an impossible standard. God, this was going to be hard no matter what. He didn’t need to beat himself up at the same time for something that couldn’t be undone. “Okay.”
“For real okay?”
She laughed, and this time it felt…stronger. Still surreal, but yes, like they might just be okay.
“You going home now?” His voice dropped to a husky note that made her want to drag him home with her.
She nodded.
“My place.” It wasn’t a question, really, but she gave another nod. She was definitely sleeping in his bed, even if he wasn’t in it. He nudged her nose with his, his eyes hot and searching as he brought their faces together. “It’s where you belong.”
“One thing at a time,” she said on a quick breath before he crushed his mouth over hers. It was quick and unsatisfying compared to all the kisses over the last month when they had all the time in the world, but it still lit Dani on fire.
“My place,” he repeated with a growl, still holding her face in one of his big, calloused hands. “Never doubt your place in my heart. In my house. In my life.”
She took a deep breath. “Call me later.” When you know more.
“I don’t need to report to the armouries just yet. I’ll come home for dinner, at least we can have a bit of time after you wake up.”
“You don’t need to.”
“I want to. I love you, Dani Minelli. Always have. Always will.”
She nodded. He stepped back, and before he could turn and walk away she whispered her own I love you to him. He stared at her lips for a final beat before taking a deep breath of his own and heading off.
She did love him. And she trusted that he loved her.
So why did it still feel tenuous, like what they had might still crumble into dust?
— FOURTEEN —
ANOTHER four hours passed before Tasha was seen briefly by an apologetic emergency physician who told them he wasn’t qualified to do more than a quick bedside ultrasound to confirm what they already knew from the doppler—baby seemed fine.
At first, he seemed to be suggesting that Tasha just wait to see her family doctor at the scheduled appointment, but Jake wasn’t having any of that. He needed to know if he might be this baby’s father, and he needed to know as soon as humanly possible.
If he was…well, he’d do the right thing. However that included Dani. If she wanted to be included. What a mess. His right eye twitched as he asked if there were any other options.
“We could get you in to the early pregnancy detection unit in Owen Sound tomorrow, probably,” the doctor said, scribbling something on an information sheet.
Tasha glanced at Jake and he winced. Owen Sound. At the south end of the peninsula. The opposite direction from her home, and the storm raging outside was only going to get worse. No way could he invite her back to his place, not even if he wanted to, which he didn’t. They needed some boundaries. But he could call in a favour.
Twenty minutes later, they swung past the armouries and picked up keys from Corporal Amy Rodgers, who lived in an apartment close by. She wouldn’t be sleeping at home tonight, having agreed to be on the stand-by team with
Tom and others. They’d sleep at the armouries, and thankfully, she didn’t ask many questions about why Jake had a friend who needed a place to crash. Not in front of Tasha anyway. But once he got Tasha settled with a promise to pick her up in the morning and returned to the armouries for a quick check-in, making sure he could head home and then go to Owen Sound for a medical appointment the next day, Amy was waiting for him. She was a far too clever young woman who knew her rank but also knew how far she could push a senior member, and her teasing grin said it all.
Jake glanced around, making sure they were alone. “Say it, Rodgers. Say it now, and don’t say it again.”
“Secret girlfriend, Sergeant?”
He sighed. “No. Really not, and it’s complicated. You want to help me keep the rumour mill straight?”
“That doesn’t sound like any fun at all.”
“You want to avoid twenty extras?”
“New Army, you can’t do that without cause.”
“Smart ass. Tasha is a friend. But I have been seeing someone, and she knows about Tasha but I’d rather her brothers didn’t. Or if they do, they know the whole story.”
“You’ve lost me.”
“Yeah.” He stared through the icy sleet coming down out the window—the freezing rain he was about to drive through like an idiot to hold his girlfriend. The least he could do after that was be honest with the people around them. “This is probably a terrible idea.”
“What is?”
“Taking advantage of being locked together in the armouries tonight to lay my cards on the table.”
The silence that loomed in his truck the whole way home said it all. It was a terrible idea.
He was going to do it anyway.
— —
Dani woke up as Jake’s arm wrapped around her waist. She held still for a moment, taking her bearings. They were in Jake’s room, where she’d fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She hadn’t heard from him since she’d left the hospital that morning. A part of her wanted to close her eyes and go back to sleep. Wanted to hide in slumber instead of dealing with the mess that was her boyfriend crawling into bed without any update on his pregnant ex-girlfriend.
And Dani was too scared to ask for one. But she didn’t push him away, either. She needed his arm around her, no matter the mess he brought with his love.
They lay like that until her alarm went off, then they wordlessly got up together.
“I’m going to take a shower,” she said, needing a bit of space.
Jake looked like he wanted to join her, and her gut twisted as she ducked his worried gaze and headed for the bathroom alone. “Wait.”
She paused, slowly sliding her head back in his direction.
Apprehension rolled off him in heavy, ugly waves. He looked like he was going to say something else, but opted for safe ground. “Hungry? Grilled cheese?”
“Sure.”
She didn’t wait for the temperature to regulate before she stepped in, needing the sharp prick of cold and then hot against her skin. A reminder she could handle whatever was coming her way, that she didn’t need it easy. As she washed her hair, she thought of Jake, down in the kitchen. He’d been blindsided by this news as much as her, and she’d shut him out.
With a heavy sigh, she towelled off, got dressed, and went to find her boyfriend. Be supportive, she told herself. Even if it kills you.
He was waiting with a plate of food for them to share, and when he pulled her into his lap at the table, she went with it.
“So we didn’t get any more information about pregnancy dates today,” he said slowly, after they finished eating.
We. She knew he didn’t mean it like that, but her skin crawled at the thought of him having pregnancy related appointments with anyone but her. Shock rippled through her core at that realization. “Oh, that’s too bad.”
A banal response, but better than nothing or worse, harsh words she wouldn’t be able to take back. She squeezed his neck and stood up, busying herself with clearing their plate and glasses of water. So much for being selfless. First hurdle and she’d fallen flat on her face.
“Tasha knows I’m in a relationship. She had an on-again, off-again thing with another guy, and there’s a good chance he’s the father.”
She nodded. He followed her to the sink, wrapping his arms around her waist as she stood there.
“I’m sorry, again.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” she whispered.
“Want to tell me what you’re thinking?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?” He kept one arm banded tight around her waist and swept her hair to one side with the other hand, then pressed a kiss to the curve of her neck.
“Because I don’t want to be unsupportive. Whatever happens, we’ll deal.”
Leaning into her a bit, he exhaled slowly. “I like the sound of we.”
Damn, that made her feel bad for her own reaction to the same word. They stood there, breathing together, on the edge of something either fragile or strong or maybe both, and she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She didn’t trust which way the words would go.
“I’m afraid you’ll leave me.” He took the leap and said the words she’d been afraid to voice herself.
Unexpected tears blurred her vision, and she closed her eyes, refusing to let them fall. “I’m not going to leave you. But I’m afraid you’ll want to be with your child full-time.” And that would mean being with another woman.
“In an ideal world, yes. But I only love one woman.” He sighed heavily. “This is not the time, but when I think of the future, you’re the only person I see by my side. No matter what.”
“You say that now, but if that baby is yours, you’re going to go to more appointments, and be there when the baby is born, and that will change you.” One of the first calls Dani did a ride-along for as a student EMT was a precipitous birth. She’d stood in the corner of the room as the paramedic helped the dad deliver the baby in the bathroom, and the look on that man’s face as his child was born would always stay with her.
“Of course it will. But it won’t change how I feel about you. Nothing has, nothing will.”
“Maybe we should just wait and see.”
“No. If it turns out not to be my baby, you’ll always wonder if I wouldn’t have chosen you if things were different.”
“Well, then it would be an academic question,” she whispered, her words thick and slurred as she tried to talk around the knot in her throat.
“It’s not, though. It’s a question I can answer now, no matter what happens. I love you now. I will love you forever. I want you to be my partner for life. And if Tasha has my baby, we’ll figure out a way to co-parent with her. You and me, and her. But I don’t love her. I never have. We just don’t have the kind of connection that makes a marriage work.”
He tugged her away from the sink, and they walked hand-in-hand to the couch. Curling up under a blanket together helped. So did Jake’s steady breath against her temple.
It took her a long time to work up the courage to say the most pressing point on her mind, and when she did, she just mumbled it into his shirt. He didn’t understand her, so she had to clear her throat and start again. “I’d give you up, you know.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I know. But if you needed to be a full-time dad…I’d understand that.” Her voice broke as she said it.
“We’d make it work.” He dragged a heavy breath into his chest. “Maybe it wouldn’t be that complicated.”
She laughed, but it sounded hollow even to her own ears. “Yeah, right.”
He didn’t answer that, and another thought occurred to her.
It wouldn’t be complicated at first. With just one child.
In an instant, she saw what their children would look like. Her dark hair, his ready smile. Dani had spent so long wanting Jake—just a kiss, just a night, just his arms around her—that she’d never allowed herself to
fantasize about more. A life together, complete with children and growing old. And now she wanted that more than her next breath. What if one would be enough? To keep it from getting too…complicated.
How to ask him that, so early in their relationship? She burrowed her face deeper into his chest, breathing him in.
“What is it?”
“More of that whole I’m afraid stuff.”
“You can ask me anything. I promise.” He stroked her arm, and she wanted to believe him.
But what if the answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear?
It took her another few minutes to work up the courage to ask. “You do want children, right? Not just one?”
He tightened his arms around her. “Yes.”
“Would having a child with someone else change that?”
It took him a minute to respond, and when he did it was a single word. “No.”
She nodded. “Good.”
— FIFTEEN —
IT was amazing what modern medical technology could do—like date a pregnancy with shocking accuracy. Or so promised a pamphlet in the waiting room.
All Jake needed was someone to give him that date, and maybe he’d start breathing properly again.
Jake and Dani had both been let off the hook for work the night before, and had gone to bed early. Together. They hadn’t talked any more, but he was holding on to every bit of hope she gave him.
Now he was sitting in an obstetrician’s office with Tasha, his heart thudding in his chest.
He’d been up before dawn, and had left Dani in his bed while he went down to the basement and pounded out a hard run on the treadmill. It hadn’t done much for his anxiety levels. Then he put coffee on, woke Dani up with a long, slow kiss that helped more than the run did, and finally dragged himself out of the house as the sky started to lighten.
He picked up Tasha from Rodgers’ apartment. Their drive to Owen Sound was filled with a lot of silence and small bits of awkward conversation, which was followed by an even more awkward ultrasound once they arrived at the hospital. Tasha had headed in to the ultrasound on her own, but the tech had come back out to the waiting room after fifteen minutes and called out his name. “I don’t want this to be my baby” seemed like a totally dick thing to say, so he dutifully followed her back to the private exam room where he was shown a healthy baby on a screen, but given zero information. The tech handed Tasha a slip of paper and instructed them to go down the hall to see a doctor.