by A. L. Brooks
As Rosie, who was last to do so, pulled away, she clapped her hands together. “Right, let’s have a bit of a breather before pudding, yes?”
Enthusiastic nods, and cheers from the two boys, greeted her suggestion, and everyone moved swiftly to finish clearing the tables. Touching Lena’s arm as she stacked plates on the counter, Rosie twitched her head in the direction of the door that led out to the garden. Lena followed, her anxiety rising rapidly. Was Rosie about to tell her off?
Rosie shut the door behind them. It was a mild day, and the fresh air was a welcome respite from the warm, somewhat stuffy house.
“Thank you,” Rosie said, placing a gentle hand on Lena’s arm, and Lena let out a small “oh” of surprise. Rosie smiled weakly. “I feel like the worst mum in the world for not realising that name had been upsetting her all this time. But she never said anything to me…” She trailed off. “That’s no excuse really, is it? I guess we all got carried away treating her like one of the boys. Her size has always made her seem so much like one of them, and she always seemed so thick-skinned, spending all her time roughing it with them too.”
Lena didn’t know what to say, or even if she was expected to say anything. She decided keeping quiet until she was asked a direct question was probably the safest option.
“Well, that’s all I really wanted to say,” Rosie said, inhaling deeply and smiling at Lena. “And don’t worry, you haven’t ruined anything.” She smiled.
Lena gaped at her. How had she known? “Er, good. I-I didn’t mean to snap, but—”
Rosie held up a hand. “Lena, it’s fine. I’m grateful to you. Really.”
Nodding, Lena smiled back weakly. “Okay.”
The door opened behind them, and they both swivelled in its direction. Megan, looking determined, stood on the back step.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Rosie murmured, patting Lena’s arm before pausing to give her daughter another brief hug, then walking back into the house.
Megan walked over to Lena. “You okay? Did she kick your arse?”
Lena laughed gently. “No, she didn’t. And yes, I’m okay.” She stared up at Megan and tried not to focus too hard on those eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“No, don’t be!” Megan took a step closer. “What you did in there, that was…amazing. Thank you.”
“I… You’re welcome.” Lena was acutely aware of Megan’s proximity; she could feel the heat from Megan’s arm where it was nearly touching her own. This was getting out of control. She took a step back and forced a laugh. “At least I didn’t ruin Christmas. Otherwise maybe your family would give me a nickname. The Grinch.”
Megan threw back her head and laughed. “You’ve certainly earned yourself a place in Palmer history, I’ll tell you that.”
Lena grinned. There could be worse things to achieve in life.
Chapter 17
Leading Lena back into the house, Megan tried hard to tamp down the glow that had taken over her whole being at the course of events over the last twenty minutes. Lena calling out her entire family on her hated nickname had first stunned her, then pleased her in a way she couldn’t define. She’d wanted to hug Lena but had been aware of Lena pulling back from the closeness of the moment they’d shared in the garden and decided not to push it.
They walked back into the kitchen to find Karen cutting slices out of a chocolate ice cream dessert.
“The boys,” she said, waving her knife at the dessert. “They couldn’t wait. If you don’t want any now it’s fine, I’ll put it back in the freezer.” Karen placed two hefty chunks of the treat onto some paper plates. “And if those two little arseholes throw up after this, I’ll kill them.”
Megan snorted and delighted in hearing Lena chuckling beside her. Megan’s family could be a bit rough round the edges, so it was good to see Lena rolling with the punches.
“I’m going to use the bathroom,” Lena said, and walked quickly out of the room.
“Everything okay, Megs?” Karen had paused in her slicing and was looking at Megan in concern. Her sister-in-law was usually brash and loud, her personality as big as her body, but every now and then she displayed a softer, more intuitive side.
“Yeah, all good. Don’t worry.”
“She’s a nice girl. How long you two been seeing each other?”
Megan’s eyes widened and her cheeks turned pink. “Oh! No, no, we’re not together. She’s just using my spare room, that’s all.”
Karen’s eyebrows rose. “Oh. Okay.” She turned back to the dessert and pushed the remaining chunk back into its box.
Megan should have let it go, she knew that. But she couldn’t help asking, “What? Why did you think we were a couple?”
Karen turned back to her, smiling. “Nothing in particular. You just seem really…comfortable with each other. I assumed…”
“Oh.”
Weird. First Dorothy, now Karen. What were they seeing? And was it really there?
When Lena returned from the bathroom, Megan had a hard time meeting her eye, as if what Karen had said had somehow been audible to Lena too.
“Want some tea?” she asked, reaching for the kettle. She knew from their time together that Lena usually wanted tea after a meal; it was becoming second nature to ask the question while automatically reaching for the kettle anyway.
“Please.”
Megan turned back briefly to Lena, and it was her undoing. Lena was gazing across the kitchen at her with an expression so full of warmth and appreciation, it had Megan’s breath catching in her throat. Which was swiftly followed by hacking coughs and splutters as she choked on her own oxygen intake. Lena was across the room like a shot, pounding on Megan’s back before reaching for a glass and running tap water into it.
“Here,” she said, passing the glass over, which Megan took hold of gratefully in a shaking hand. Her face was flushed, half from choking, half from embarrassment. She gulped down a few mouthfuls of the icy-cold water.
“Thanks,” she sputtered, once she could trust her voice.
Lena smiled, and, inexplicably, returned her hand to the centre of Megan’s back, rubbing comforting, firm circles while Megan breathed in deeply.
“Oh.” Her mum’s startled word came from the doorway. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Lena leaped back from Megan as if she’d been stung. Megan turned to face her mother, her cheeks flaring again. “You weren’t. It’s… I caught my breath, was choking.”
Megan’s mum glanced between the two of them, a strange little smile on her face. “Okay.” She walked further into the room. “I was going to put the kettle on.”
“Already done,” Megan said quickly, turning back to the now-boiling kettle and pulling mugs out of the cupboard above it. “What does everyone want?”
When Megan turned back, Lena had left the room.
A few minutes later, Megan helped her mum take copious mugs of tea into the living room. Her two nephews were flaked out on the tatty old sofa that filled one side of the conservatory, empty dessert plates abandoned at their feet. Their eyes were glazed over as they stared, unseeing, at the small TV showing cartoons on the opposite side of the room.
In the main living room, the adults were also casually arrayed across the furniture. Her dad filled one armchair, Jimmy and Daniel were slouched on the floor in front of the window, and Karen, Callum, and Lena were on the sofa. Lena stood as soon as she saw Megan and her mum enter the room and helped hand out the mugs of tea before moving to sit on the floor at the end of the sofa, gesturing to Megan’s mum that she should take her vacated seat on the sofa.
“Aw, thank you Lena. So kind,” Megan’s mum said, and sank into the space with an “oomph” of pleasure.
Megan glanced around the now crowded room, and determined the only free space was on the floor between Daniel and her dad, which put Daniel b
etween her and Lena. Not quite able to fathom why that made her so edgy, she wedged herself into the small free space, and pulled her knees up before leaning back against the wall, surveying her family. There were two conversations already in full flow, involving everyone but Daniel. As she turned to open up a line of conversation with him, she saw that he’d already turned away from her and was chatting to Lena. Having lived with Lena for a few weeks now, it took Megan less than a minute to know that Lena was not exactly a willing participant in the conversation her brother had initiated. Berating herself for eavesdropping even as she did it, Megan tuned in to his words.
“…and so I was thinking, you know, if you were up for it, we could maybe go out one night, for a drink, or even for dinner. What do you think?”
Megan nearly choked again, a completely irrational anger burning bright within her. Although it wasn’t quite anger. Something else…
“Um, Daniel, that’s nice of you. But, no, thank you.” Megan was impressed; Lena hadn’t ripped her brother’s head off in letting him down.
“Oh,” Daniel said, blinking. “I mean, we could take it slow, it doesn’t have to be real date, you know, if that’s easier.”
“Daniel,” Lena said, her tone patient but firm, “I’m a lesbian.”
Unfortunately for Lena—and Daniel—her words dropped into a now-silent room as, by sheer chance, the two other conversations that had occupied everyone else in the room came to a pause.
Daniel looked round, clearly wishing the ground would swallow him up whole, and clambered to his feet, muttering, “Right. Well. Okay. Great,” before stumbling from the room to the kitchen.
Lena hung her head, shaking it slightly from side to side.
“Well,” Megan’s mum said, cheerfully. “That’s cleared that up, at least.”
It had been tempting to ask Jimmy to drive her home. The day had lurched from one embarrassment to another, and Lena’s anxiety had ratcheted up as a result. But, strangely, at the same time she was enjoying herself. After outing herself to the entire Palmer family, seemingly breaking Daniel’s heart in the process, Lena had spent a few quiet minutes in the garden, breathing deeply and talking herself down from the edge of a full-blown anxiety attack. She’d called her sister Madhu but only got voicemail, so when Megan had appeared, cautiously approaching and asking if she was okay, somehow, surprisingly, Lena had found herself being open and honest with Megan about what was happening.
“I’m okay,” she’d said. “Well, now I am. I get…anxiety attacks, if I’m really upset or stressed by something.”
“Oh. And I guess coming out to my family on Christmas Day kind of comes under that description, yes?” Megan’s smile was wry, and Lena’s chuckled response came naturally.
“Yes. Yes, it does.” Lena shook her head. “I didn’t know of any other way to get your brother to stop. I’m sorry if—”
Megan held up a hand. “Don’t, he’ll be fine. Yes, he’s the quiet one, but he’s done okay in the girlfriend department over the years. He’ll soon move on, don’t worry.”
“Oh, okay. Good.”
“So, um, these attacks. How do you deal with them? Is there anything I should know, in case, you know, you have one at home?” Megan was shuffling from foot to foot and looking adorable in her concern. Lena’s heart started to thump in a way that had nothing to do with anxiety.
“Well, I’ve got used to dealing with them myself, over the years. There’s some breathing techniques, and visualisation exercises I can use. I… It’s nice of you to ask, but trust me, I can handle them. Nothing for you to worry about.”
Megan nodded. “Fair enough. Well,” she said, looking back at the house, “I’ll leave you to it.”
She turned to walk away, and Lena spoke before she’d really thought it through. “Megan.” Her flatmate looked back over her shoulder, her eyebrows raised. “I-I’m having a lovely day,” Lena said. It wasn’t quite what she had wanted to say; she’d chickened out at the last moment. She’d wanted to thank Megan for caring, for checking up on her, for inviting her to spend the day with her family, and for not caring that Lena seemed to be putting her foot in it left, right, and centre. But the words had got stuck in her throat as something inside her knew she might reveal more than she intended.
Megan had smiled, nodded, and continued her path back into the house.
Now, Lena found herself roped into playing a game called Monopoly. She’d heard of it, of course, but had never actually played it. Apparently it was a firm favourite in the Palmer household, and an annual tradition over Christmas taken very seriously and containing its own potted history of famous victories and still-disputed “cheating” incidents.
Lena’s playing piece was a little hat, and although still not entirely clear on the rules she was apparently suffused with beginner’s luck, much to the ill-concealed dissatisfaction of her opponents. All except Megan, whose grin had begun about ten minutes ago and had only widened the more money Lena raked in for rents on her strategically placed hotels. The pile of pretend cash in front of Lena was growing and, although not one to gloat, she was thoroughly enjoying herself.
“How the—?” Sean tutted as he slapped down the last of his cash in Lena’s direction. “That’s me out,” he growled, and for a moment Lena feared she’d made yet another Palmer faux pas, until she caught Sean’s eye and he winked. “Lena, I can tell your accountancy training has done you well. You don’t fancy doing my tax returns, do you?”
Lena laughed, scooping up Sean’s cash and adding it to her pile. “Sorry,” she said. “Not that kind of accountant.”
“Damn, I was hoping you could find some way to get me some money back out of Her Majesty’s government.”
“Are you absolutely sure you haven’t played this before?” Rosie asked a couple of minutes later as she handed over the last of her cash. “Megan, you’ve brought in a ringer.”
Megan, laughing, raised both hands. “Swear to God, Mum, Lena has hidden talents I knew nothing about.”
Rosie and Karen snorted. Lena smiled, a faint blush forming on her cheeks, as she caught Megan’s eye and watched in amusement as Megan’s eyes widened at the realisation of what she had said and how it could be misinterpreted.
Ten minutes later and it was all over—Lena had cleaned up and officially annihilated the Palmer clan in her first ever Monopoly game. Uncharacteristically, she basked in their praise, which seemed genuine rather than begrudging, and the warm glow that had stayed with her for most of the day reappeared tenfold at being made to feel so welcome.
She saw Megan catch Jimmy’s eye and nod, then turn to Lena and say, “You okay if we head home now? Jimmy has to get up early to drive to his girlfriend’s parents’ house so I didn’t want him having a late one today.”
“Of course,” Lena said, nodding, realising how tired she was now that home time was being mentioned. It had been an up-and-down day, and an emotional one in places. She glanced at her watch—it was only eight thirty, but she could easily crawl into bed right now. She’d coped though, more than coped and, given how far out of her normal the day had been, she was immensely proud of that.
After a protracted series of good-byes, coupled with a multitude of invites to be a part of future Palmer gatherings, finally Lena followed Megan and Jimmy out to his car.
It was a quiet drive back through the darkened streets of south London; this late on Christmas Day the traffic was light, and Jimmy had them home in less than twenty minutes. They didn’t converse on the way back, all three of them seemingly content to watch the quiet world go by. When Jimmy pulled up in front of their building, he jumped out to say good-bye, pulling Megan into as big a hug as the one he had bestowed first thing that morning, and eliciting the same protesting groan from his sister as he did so.
To Lena’s surprise, he also hugged her, albeit far more gently than his sister. “It was lovely to have you with us,”
he said, smiling as he let her go.
“It… I had a wonderful day,” Lena stuttered. “Thank you very much for driving us.”
Jimmy waved it off. “Laters.” He got back in the car and sped off.
Megan let them into the house and, not knowing whether Dorothy was home or not, they crept up the communal staircase carefully to Megan’s front door, trying hard not to giggle as they did so. After shutting the door to the flat behind them, Megan turned to Lena and said, “Tea?”
Lena shook her head. She was exhausted. “Thanks, but no. I think I’m going to go straight to bed.”
Megan’s face fell ever so slightly, but then she smiled. “Yeah, it was a long day given how early Johnny Mathis woke us up.”
Lena grinned. “Indeed.” She made to walk past Megan to the bathroom, but a gentle hand on her shoulder stopped her. When she turned slightly to face Megan, there was a nervous-looking smile on her flatmate’s face.
“Are you okay?” Lena asked, bemused.
Megan visibly swallowed, and before Lena could react, Megan leaned forward and slightly to the side. Lena wasn’t sure why she flinched; the unexpectedness of it, perhaps. Whatever it was, in flinching as Megan leaned, their heads bumped together and they both let out little “oomphs” of shock.
“Sorry!” Lena said, staring up at Megan.
Megan rubbed her forehead, blushing furiously. “No, it was me. Sorry.” She snapped round and walked quickly off to her bedroom, leaving Lena in a daze near the kitchen.
What had just happened? Why was Megan leaning towards—
Oh.
Lena raised her eyes towards the ceiling and blinked slowly.
You. Complete. Idiot.
Before she could overthink it, she was walking, her footsteps measured and even. She knocked on Megan’s door. When there was no answer, she knocked again, and said through the wood, “Megan, please. There’s something I need to say.”