by A. L. Brooks
“What the—?”
“Yeah, I know, right? Well, I blame the tiredness but I saw red, and the next thing I know, I’m going hard at her about how she’s got two daughters, and if she would ever bother to be a real mother to Lena she’d know she’s been through a really hard time lately and a bit of family love and support wouldn’t have gone amiss, and on and on about the roof and living with you and all of it.”
“Oh.”
“Yes. The next thing I know, she’s demanding Lena’s address from me. Stupid, tired me gave it to her, thinking that Mum meant to write to her or something, you know? Then she stands up, grabs my dad’s arm and says, ‘We have to go to London and get her home before she makes complete fools out of us. Now’.”
“Oh, shit.” Megan ran her free hand through her hair. “So they turned up here today? To talk to Lena?”
“Yep. I tried to stop them, but when my mother gets started on one of her missions there isn’t a person or army on earth that can stop her. I tried to phone Lena, but her mobile kept going to voicemail. So, I left a message hoping that would warn her, but she hasn’t returned any of my calls.”
“You…you don’t think they hurt her, do you?” Megan’s heart was racing again. If those people had laid one hand on—
“No, nothing like that. Well, not physically anyway.” Madhu exhaled. “But trust me, my mother’s words can hurt worse than a punch or kick. No, I’m worried they’ve messed with her fragile emotions. She…she told me how things were going with you two, but also how unsure and scared she was, even though she’s so into you.”
“S-she is?” The jolt that hit Megan’s stomach this time was much more pleasant a sensation.
Madhu laughed softly. “Oh, yeah. She’ll have been rubbish at telling you, but yeah, she is totally gone on you. And I’m worried my mother will have stormed in there, told Lena what a failure she is, and that will only have added more fuel to Lena’s internal doubts.” She paused, then said, “Do you like Lena as much as she likes you?”
“Yes, I do,” Megan replied quietly. “I’ve… Well, I’ve been having trouble convincing her of some things. I was really worried when she rushed to move back to her place that she might start pulling away from me.”
“Oh, she will, no doubt about that. But honestly, Megan, if you can keep trying with her, I think she’ll finally think she’s someone that someone else thinks is worth it. If that makes sense.”
Megan chuckled. “Yeah, I got it.” She huffed out a breath. “She’s a little bit of hard work, though, you know.”
Madhu guffawed. “Oh, yeah, tell me about it! But,” she said, sobering quickly, “she’s also an incredibly warm and sweet person under that rough exterior. She’s had a few emotional setbacks the last few years, that have changed her a bit. But in the past few weeks I’ve seen the old Lena returning, and I think that’s all down to you. So, if you can stick with her, please do. I haven’t seen her this happy in ages.”
Megan exhaled slowly. Madhu’s words were a balm to the unsettled feelings she’d been having since that coffee break with her mum earlier. Hearing how much Lena had obviously talked about her with her sister also felt good.
“Okay,” Madhu said, clearing her throat. “Back to the latest crisis. I’m guessing you haven’t seen Lena today then? Or at least since my parents probably shocked the life out of her?”
“No, I’d only just got in when you called. I’d played your first message when you rang again. Hey, random question—who is Leelawati?”
“That’s Lena’s birth name,” Madhu said, laughing. “She hates it, changed it to Lena when she was a teenager. Only Mum and Dad would never call her it, only me and her co-workers, because they didn’t know any different. I always use her full name when I’m mad at her.”
Megan laughed. “Yeah, I’ve got a few choice names for my brothers when needs be.”
“Megan,” Madhu asked, suddenly back to serious, “what are we going to do?”
“Want me to find her and try to talk to her? See how she is, see if I can get her to call you?”
“Please, if you wouldn’t mind. That would be wonderful. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t come to London, not with the baby.”
“No, I understand. Let me see what I can do first before we think about something that drastic, okay?”
“Thank you, Megan. You’re amazing. Lena’s a lucky woman.”
Megan blushed.
Chapter 29
“Lena!” The call of her name followed the rapid knocking on her front door. The voice was unmistakably Megan’s, and Lena’s insides turned to mush. And not in a good way. She wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. Not while still feeling so raw from her parents’ visit.
“Lena, if you’re in there, please let me know you’re okay at least.”
More knocking, harder this time.
Lena knew she could simply stay still and make Megan think she wasn’t home. But the guilt that flooded her had her cringing, then rolling over and sitting up. The bedroom was dark, the sun having set long ago. She tapped the touch lamp next to her bed onto its lowest setting, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the new light level.
“Lena!”
Inhaling a deep breath, Lena walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. She inched open the door and saw Megan’s face peering at her through the gap.
“Oh, thank God,” Megan said. “We’ve been worried sick.”
“Sorry,” Lena whispered, chastised. It hadn’t occurred to her that people would be looking for her. Wait, who was—?
“Who’s we?” she asked, more bluntly than was probably wise in the circumstances, but the simmering anger at Madhu’s actions hadn’t taken much to resurface.
“Your sister. Me,” Megan snapped back.
Lena recoiled. Megan had never talked to her like that.
Megan sighed and ran both hands through her hair. Lena watched them travel through the blonde strands and briefly wondered if she’d ever be able to push her own fingers through that hair again.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. But, Lena, when we knew your parents had been here, well, of course we were worried. And—” she rushed on, before Lena could say anything in response “—Madhu’s left you lots of messages and you haven’t returned any. She was frantic.”
“Oh.” Messages? Actually, come to think of it, Lena hadn’t seen her mobile all day. Oh, wait… She placed a hand over her eyes, not daring to look at Megan as she said, “I’ve just remembered, I left it on charge in your spare room this morning and forgot to bring it up here with me when I’d finished the move.”
Megan let out a sound that was a mix of exasperation and humour. “Oh, Lena. That’s the sort of stupid thing I would do.”
Lena offered a wan smile.
“Are you really okay?” Megan asked softly, tilting her head.
Lena nodded, but she knew it wasn’t convincing. “I-I will be.” She stared at Megan. “So, wait, how have you spoken to Madhu?”
“She rang the landline just as I got home. She’s so worried about what your parents said or did.” Megan paused, her face softening further. “And so am I.”
Lena closed her eyes briefly. She was tired, and emotional, and all she needed was some alone time.
“It wasn’t fun, let’s put it that way,” she said. “I-I need to be by myself for a while. Think some things through.”
“Lena, please don’t think you have to do this alone,” Megan pleaded. “I want to be here for you. To support you.”
Megan’s words made Lena tremble, but was it from desire or fear? She couldn’t tell.
“I-I know you do. And that’s…lovely to know. But I can’t, not right now. Maybe tomorrow.”
Megan stared at her, her eyes narrowed slightly. “Well. Okay. Um, I’ll see you tomorrow then, yes?”
Lena
nodded weakly. “Goodnight,” she said, desperate now to close the door and hide, shed some more tears, and do a lot more thinking.
“Wait, let me get your phone!” Megan called through the diminishing opening between the door and the frame.
Lena halted the door’s progress. “Oh, yes. Okay. Thank you.”
Megan’s footsteps retreated down the hallway to her flat, and a minute later she was back, passing Lena’s phone and its charger through the gap.
“Call your sister,” she said gently before she would let Lena take hold of the phone.
Lena met her gaze, and for one moment she wanted to throw herself into Megan’s arms, shut the world away, and pretend that nothing else existed except the two of them, curled up together. She resisted that urge, but did lean up to kiss Megan briefly on the lips.
Taking the phone from Megan as she pulled back, she whispered, “I will,” and closed the door.
Sunday morning was one of those gorgeous, sunny winter days, with a bright blue sky, no clouds, and a crispness that would nip at your nose if you ventured out into it.
Megan wasn’t venturing anywhere. After a fairly sleepless night, she was up early making some scrambled eggs for breakfast. Something told her she needed the fortification, fuel for dealing with Lena today. Megan had woken up determined to make it clear to Lena that shutting her out of stuff like this was not what building a relationship was about.
She knew Lena had taken an emotional knock yesterday, and although she didn’t want to push her too hard, she did want to get a few things clear between them. She hated that Lena had had to go through all the drama with her parents alone. But equally she hated the fact that Lena had spent the evening alone too, possibly talking herself back into her quiet, lonely life. Lena deserved so much more than that.
Megan had promised Madhu she wouldn’t give up, but her own mother’s words were also playing on her mind. How long did she try to convince Lena before she had to give her up as a lost cause?
One more time. She knew she had to try once more, or she’d always be asking herself “what if?”. But then, maybe, if Lena didn’t respond, that would be it.
Suitably fed, she glanced at the kitchen clock. A little after eight. Probably a bit too early, but she would now keep an ear out for sounds from above so that she could make her move.
She didn’t have to wait long. Only fifteen minutes later, she heard the squeak of floorboards above her ceiling and took a deep breath before heading out to the hallway.
She knocked twice on the door, fairly hard.
“Megan?” Lena’s voice came from behind the door a few moments later.
“Yes. Please, can I come in?”
Lena opened the door a crack, not much further than she had last night.
“Hi,” she said. She looked tired; there were dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was a mess. It was worrying and adorable in equal measures.
“How are you? You look tired.”
Lena shrugged. “I didn’t sleep well.” She tilted her head slightly. “You look tired too.”
She seemed puzzled. Did it not occur to her that Megan would have had an equally bad night?
“Yes, I am. I didn’t sleep well either.” Maybe she did need to spell it out. “I was worried about you. About how you were feeling, how you were doing.”
“Oh.” Lena’s eyes widened.
Megan breathed out an exasperated sigh. “Lena, can we please talk? Inside?”
Lena seemed to flinch slightly, and Megan cursed her own impatience. At the same time, exasperation at Lena’s reticence heated her blood. Megan rarely lost her temper with people, rarely even raised her voice. But standing in front of Lena now, feeling that whatever they’d started to share was slipping away, was infuriating her beyond anything she’d ever known.
“Look, Lena,” Megan said firmly. “I…care about you. A lot. I hate seeing you like this, and I want to be able to help you through this difficult time. However, I don’t want to push you away, so I’m trying really hard to find the right balance here.”
Lena stared up at her. “I-I’m not trying to be difficult, I promise. I’m so tired. This week has been hard for me, and yesterday was the final straw.”
Clearly Lena wasn’t going to let her into the flat, but equally she wasn’t closing the door, so Megan pushed on.
“Okay, I get that. Maybe one day you’ll tell me what they said, but know this, Lena.” Megan pulled herself up straighter, and the words that came to her spilled out in a rush. “From all that Madhu told me last night, you must know that everything they said, every hurtful thing they threw at you, is shit, yes? Just utter shit. Please don’t be swayed by what they said. You are a wonderful person, Lena, no matter what they said.”
Tears welled in Lena’s eyes, and she raised a hand to her face to wipe at them. “It’s hard for me to believe that.”
Her words were spoken so softly Megan almost didn’t catch them. When she registered what Lena had said, her heart almost came to a stop. “Oh, Lena…” she breathed. “What can I do to help you get past this? To see how amazing you are?”
Lena blinked rapidly, and her hands were white-knuckled where they gripped the door. “I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. “Please, can you leave me alone, for a while? I just need some time.”
“How long do you need? How long do I wait, Lena?” Megan regretted it the moment the words burst out from her mouth.
Lena recoiled, her eyes wide.
“God, sorry,” Megan said, trying to convey with her tone how deeply her regret went. “Lena, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to push you so hard, but I’m scared.” That was surprisingly easy to admit. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I seem to be the only one fighting for this. For us. And I honestly don’t know how much longer I should.”
Lena reached out a hand, placing it on Megan’s arm. It was a cool touch, but Megan relished it anyway.
“I’m sorry,” Lena said quietly. “All I can say is, just give me some time.” She stared at Megan for a few moments, then pushed the door closed.
Megan didn’t stop her. She knew there was no point.
Lena didn’t think she’d ever been so miserable in her life. And the worst of it was, it was mostly her own fault. She knew that, deep down, but she still couldn’t seem to snap herself out of her downward spiral to do anything about it.
Megan.
She had pleaded, cajoled, almost threatened, and still something inside Lena held her back. Life was easier, wasn’t it, when you were on your own? When another person’s feelings and needs didn’t have to be considered? Despite how wonderful that person was, and how they made Lena feel. Despite how lonely being on your own could often feel.
She was sitting on the two floor cushions—Megan’s cushions, she reminded herself, wallowing in even that small connection. She had her back wedged against the radiator under the window, her knees drawn up and her arms wrapped around them, making herself as small as she felt inside.
Everything her parents had said to her the day before had hit an enormous nerve. And even though Megan was right, that what they said was shit, all her worst insecurities about herself had come flooding back. She’d tried so hard, all morning, to focus on Megan’s words instead, but they felt elusive, their true depth just out of reach.
She picked up her tea and took a sip. At some point she ought to think about putting something more than tea inside her, but the thought of getting up from her warm, cosy nest to make food was not appealing. She felt safe, down here on the floor, tucked into the corner, the warmth of the radiator infusing her body. Her phone buzzed beside her; another message from Madhu. Lena had texted her a while ago, checking in, telling Madhu she was okay but would call later.
Well at least you’re ok. Don’t leave it too long please. Worried xx
She read the message then tos
sed the phone back on the cushion beside her. Part of her brain acknowledged how good it felt to be cared about, by both her sister and her girlfr—Megan. But still, the biggest part of her was too tired to face up to it all. It was far easier to wallow, and hide away.
The knock on her door made her groan. Surely Megan wasn’t going to try again? Yes, she understood Megan was worried but this was getting ridiculous. And she couldn’t even pretend not to be here, because Megan would know she hadn’t left her flat.
Tutting, she hauled herself up off the cushions and stomped down the stairs to the door. Flinging it open, she said, “Yes?” in her grumpiest tone possible, only to gasp as she realised it was Dorothy outside her flat, not Megan.
Dorothy arched one eyebrow, and glared down her nose at Lena over her glasses. “Good afternoon, Lena,” she said, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “Am I disturbing you?”
“No.” Lena shook her head vigorously. “Sorry. What can I do for you?”
“Well, there is something I require your help with, if you have a moment?”
“Of course.” Given how rude Lena had been to her, she would agree to anything right now to avoid incurring the worst of Dorothy’s wrath. “Down in your flat?”
Dorothy nodded.
“Is it a spider?”
“Not this time, no. But there is something that is concerning me.”
Thinking that sounded rather cryptic, Lena could only nod, grab her keys, and follow Dorothy downstairs to her flat.
Dorothy led her through into her living room, which was a relatively small room at the front of her flat, overlooking the front garden. It contained a small, dark green fabric sofa, and a wooden coffee table, but what dominated the room was the organ with which Dorothy regularly tormented the other residents of number seven Jackson Road. It was only the second time Lena had been in the room, and she felt as if she were about to have an audience with the Queen when Dorothy gestured to the sofa and said, primly, “Please sit.”