by Louise Bay
“I know.” Her voice crackled as she spoke.
“It doesn’t mean this can’t work. Tell me what to do.” I just wanted to get to the part where I could hold her. I was ready. Couldn’t she see?
“I just need some time. You need some time.”
“I really don’t need more time.” I exhaled. “Will you ever be ready to trust me?”
“I don’t know, Luke. I’m scared. I’m sorry.”
Ashleigh
I was fucking up everything. Having Luke so close was confusing. It was as if I were careening down a mountain in a car with no brakes. I didn’t know what to do or how to stop it, but I knew how it was going to end.
Everything was so fucking perfect; it was maddening. He’d left Emma, rented his own place, taken up a hobby. Jesus, he’d even thrown out that bloody awful sofa he’d had since college. He was ticking every box that said he was ready. So why was I sitting with my head in my hands rather than lying naked beneath him?
The fact was, it was all too perfect, all too quick. I’d been worried Luke would see my concerns as a checklist for him to work though and conquer. I needed him to take the time to look at what he really wanted. Surely there was no way in the three weeks since we’d last kissed, last seen each other naked, that Luke could have worked through everything.
The problem was he looked ready; he seemed ready; he felt ready. His fingers on my neck lit me up. I was so tightly wound that maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. I needed to jolt some sense back into myself.
“Ashleigh.” He said my name as if conjuring a spell. When had I become Ashleigh to him?
“I should go.”
The sofa dipped as he sat beside me. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t meant to touch you. I just . . . You look so touchable. I thought you wanted me to.”
I exhaled. That was the problem. Luke touching me was all I wanted. I scrubbed my hands across my face. “I do,” I said in a small voice. Instantly his hand went to my lower back, circling, soothing. He felt so easy, so right.
“Hey,” he said, pulling my hands from my face, cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to his.
This man I’d been in love with my whole life seemed like he wanted me. Why couldn’t it be this easy? I tilted my head into his hand as he pulled me onto to his lap.
“I got it, Ashleigh. I understood why you put the brakes on at first. But now? I want this. I want you.” His words had the opposite of their intended effect. He seemed so certain, and I knew he couldn’t be. Not in such a short space of time.
I scrambled off his knee. “No.”
“No, you don’t believe me? No, you don’t want me back?”
I did believe him, and of course I wanted him but it was too soon. “Not yet. You’re not ready.”
“Fucking hell, Ashleigh. How is it you get to decide when I’m ready? I’m telling you I am. And you know it. You’re in my flat, flirting with me, teasing me. Is that what this is? Are you just trying to make me want something I can’t have so I know how you’ve felt all these years?”
His voice became tighter, harder, louder with every word. He rose from the sofa, and I backed away from him. We’d had relatively few arguments over the years, but I remembered each one of them in their every detail. I regretted every cross word that had ever gone between us. “That’s not fair, Luke. You think I’m trying to pay you back?”
“Well? Are you?”
My hand grasped my chest. How could he think I’d ever want to hurt him? All I was doing was trying to protect myself. I needed to get out. I didn’t want him to see me cry, and I knew tears were next.
I grabbed my bag and headed toward the door. He followed me. “Are you just going to leave? That’s it? No discussion? Fucking perfect.”
“We’re not having a discussion. You’re shouting at me. I’m just trying—” I continued toward the door, stopping as I reached for the handle.
“To do what, exactly? Keep yourself and me miserable? Give yourself a reason not to be with me?”
The corridor was dark, but I could still see the shadow of Luke’s enormous frame covering me. He stood so close that if I just moved back an inch, my body would be pressed against his.
“Please.” I wasn’t sure what I was asking for. For him to be patient with me, for him to let me leave.
“Tell me what you want.” He spoke softly this time.
“I want to be sure of you and how you feel. If overnight you’ve decided you want me then just as quickly you can change your mind again. I want to be sure I’m not the easy option—”
“Believe me, I don’t think you’re the easy option. Especially not at the moment.” He sighed, and I felt him move away from me. I turned to face him. He was leaning against the wall, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his head bowed.
“I’m sorry.”
“Tell me how long I have to wait, what I have to do. I get that it was too soon after Emma when we first . . . But now—”
“There’s so much at stake.” My family, my security, my world were on the line.
“But so much to gain.”
“It’s still only a few weeks.”
“But not in my head, Ashleigh. I don’t think I was ever in deep with Emma. Not like I am with you. This is different. I can’t go back. You mean too much to me for me to think that this can’t work.”
My pulse was jumping in my neck. He was saying everything I wanted to hear. “We just need time.”
“I don’t.” He sounded so sure. “You might need time but I’m ready for the next stage of my life, and I don’t want to miss a moment.”
“Then will you give me time?” Maybe that was it. Maybe I needed time to adjust, to trust Luke’s feelings for me.
“How long?”
“I don’t know. Live your life, Luke. If we’re meant to happen, we’ll know when the time is right for both of us.”
Luke
“Wow, your pace has really come on.” Fiona grabbed my wrist, pressing at buttons on my tracker. “Yeah. Your speed has gone up by twenty percent in just a few weeks. That’s incredible.”
I fell forward, grasping my knees and desperately pulling air into my lungs as I waited for the thudding in my chest to reduce so I could speak, think.
Fiona was breathless, but didn’t seem close to passing out the way I was. How embarrassing. I knew she’d been training for far longer, but I hadn’t started from nothing. I’d always been a runner.
“Jesus, you’re fit,” I said, glancing up at her, finally able to form words.
“Thanks,” she said, coyly lifting one shoulder and giving me a small smile. “You’ve just started to train differently, but you’re doing really well. You need to mix it up though. Maybe start some circuit training. Don’t just concentrate on running, cycling and swimming. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it will help.” She tapped my upper arm. “Come on. Keep walking.”
Fiona and I had been running a route around the city—it was so quiet at the weekends. All the commuters had dispersed, leaving behind empty office buildings and the few of us who lived within the square mile that made up London’s financial district. It had been a peaceful run, a stark contrast to barely being able to squeeze onto the pavements when walking on weekdays. Fiona said the parks of West London, where I’d always run before, got too busy at the weekends, especially if the weather was decent. Hyde Park had always been a favorite, but then it hadn’t mattered if people got in my way and slowed me down.
“Shall we grab a coffee?” I pointed to one of the few signs of life—a small cafe across the street. It gave me a reason to sit, which worked for me.
Fiona narrowed her eyes but nodded. “Sure.”
We ordered coffees—or in my case a juice and water, I was laying off the caffeine—and found a table near the window. There was only one other couple in the place. No wonder nothing was open around here, there weren’t any customers. I watched as they wordlessly swapped bits of the Sunday Times. I could have been watching Emma and me. Com
fortable together. Unconsciously moving forward. Life didn’t require you to evaluate your relationship constantly, so most people just floated along if there was no reason to split. In a way, I was lucky that Emma had brought up marriage because I’d been forced to make a conscious choice about my future. I guess that was exactly what Ashleigh was afraid of—that I was happy to drift into coupledom, when for her it was a positive action. I took a deep breath at the realization. Maybe these weeks since I’d last seen Ashleigh were a good thing for us both.
“Are you enjoying it?” Fiona asked.
I swallowed my grapefruit juice. “It’s tangy.”
She laughed, and I was drawn to the movement of her breasts. “I meant the training.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, I see. Yes. It’s brutal, and I’m not sure it’s a healthy thing to like brutal, but yes.”
I was enjoying the focus I was getting from it, the fact I didn’t have too much time on my hands and that I was working toward something. I’d enjoyed the way Ashleigh had looked at my changing body the last time she’d seen me. The heat in her eyes had led me to believe she wanted me.
I’d not seen her since then. I’d made excuses to miss Sunday dinners in the few weeks following, and there had been no phone calls, no contact. I’d hated it, particularly at first, and checked my phone relentlessly, waiting for her to tell me she was ready. Now I was nearly resigned to just letting things settle between us.
Fiona laughed. “It is brutal, but I like the feeling now,” she said, watching me twist the circular lid of my drink. “After running, the come down. The sweat beginning to dry, the awareness of the strengthened muscles under my skin, the adrenaline seeping away.” She stretched her arms, lifting tall in her chair, the hem of her shirt riding up and revealing a band of soft white skin.
She relaxed and I glanced back up at her face. She’d caught me checking her out. She smiled and I looked away.
“Yeah. I guess this bit’s good.” I stared out the window at nothing, not quite knowing what I meant. She was good company. And attractive.
“So what made you want to start to train? Bad breakup?” she asked.
Ashleigh and I hadn’t broken up; we hadn’t had a chance to break up. It struck me that I was post breakup, just with Emma.
“I don’t know about bad . . .” I shifted in my seat, more comfortable now that the focus was away from her body, and back onto safer territory . . . kinda.
“How long were you a couple?”
“Three years. We were living together. I moved out.” A dull sensation radiated from my gut. It wasn’t sorrow—it was irritation, regret maybe, that I’d stayed as long as I had. I should have been braver, moved on sooner. The problem was, each day in itself wasn’t an issue. Emma and I didn’t hate each other, or continually fight. There’d been nothing pushing me away as such. It was just when I added up those days, they didn’t amount to much. All together we’d not mattered much to each other, there’d been nothing drawing us together, making us better as a couple. God, it felt like a lifetime ago. It had all happened before Ashleigh, and anyone before her seemed long ago. She was different. Every day with her mattered.
She nodded. “For me, it helped me clear my mind as well as kept me busy. I reckon I was over him the moment I passed the finish line of my first race.”
“Yours was a bad breakup?” I asked.
“At the time, I remember it being so. I was so sad, so angry. I wanted to kill him. Now, I look back and it’s difficult to recall why. I mean, he was an arsehole at times, but I blamed him for things I had no right to. I learned a huge lesson that we alone are responsible for our happiness. No one else can create that for us if we’re not ready for it.”
“But being with him didn’t make you happy?”
“Exactly. So I should have left. Not stayed and blamed him.”
I took a moment to absorb what she was saying. Was I looking for someone to make me happy? Was I afraid of being on my own? Maybe Ashleigh thought so, but that wasn’t it for me. I thought if anything the reason Emma and I had split was because I didn’t want to be responsible for her happiness, and I knew she couldn’t be responsible for mine. With Ashleigh, it was different. I wanted to make her happy.
“And you’re with someone now?” She’d never mentioned a boyfriend. What type of guy was she into?
A blush spread across her cheeks. “Not yet. But I’ve not lost hope that I’ll find the right one.” She focused on her coffee cup, swirling her spoon in what was left of the black Americano she’d ordered.
“Great job, Luke. A tremendous result for the client and the firm.” Derek Mills, our senior partner, rarely stepped off the fifth floor. He certainly hadn’t known my name until the Nigelson case. Although no one had said it to me directly, whether or not I made partner depended on this case. And today it had settled. Settled good and settled big.
“Thanks, Derek. We got the right result,” I replied.
“Don’t be modest. You got the right result.” I grinned and took Derek’s hand. “The Daniels surname will fit nicely on the letterhead,” he said, and with that, he winked and walked away. Perhaps that’s what they meant when they said that you “got the nod.” I’d have to wait for the official decision on partnership, but it was looking pretty good.
I focused on getting back to my desk without breaking into a sidesplitting grin. I dropped Haven an email telling her we’d settled. My hand hovered over my phone. I was desperate to call Ashleigh; I wanted to share my good news, all my news, my whole life with her. I just wished she was ready to see that. Perhaps I should take the situation into my own hands and force her to see that I wanted her?
“Congratulations, Luke!” Fiona walked up to my desk. “It was that environmental report that swung it, though, wasn’t it?”
I grinned at her. “Yup, you totally nailed it.”
She clasped her hands together. “Thank fuck that’s over.”
I tipped my head back and laughed. “Shall we knock off early and go and get some beers in?”
“I’m not sure that’s on your training plan. But yes, I’m up for that.” She winked and turned to leave. Over her shoulder, she said, “I’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”
“Champagne?” Fiona asked as she leaned over the bar, trying to get the attention of the barman.
I would have preferred beer, but champagne was sort of mandatory in this situation.
“You are totally going to get partnership now.” She grinned at me. I was relieved that there wasn’t a hint of jealousy or resentfulness about her. She really was a great girl.
“I can only hope.” I shrugged.
“You know you’re going to get it. Apparently the vote is next week. This settlement couldn’t have been timed more perfectly. You deserve it.”
I grinned and grabbed the champagne-filled ice bucket. Fiona took the glasses, and we made our way to a spot toward the front of the bar. Despite it being the middle of the afternoon, there were plenty of people filling the tables.
“We shouldn’t be drinking when everyone else is back at their desks. It feels naughty,” Fiona said in a half whisper.
My stomach churned. It did feel wrong in some ways, uncomfortable. The person I wanted to celebrate with was Ashleigh. I felt as though I should be with her, not Fiona. I needed to stop pining, to do what she said and live my life. “Day drinking always feels illicit, right?”
“I can’t stop for long. I have a thing tonight.” She tilted her head.
I raised my eyebrows in response. Did she have a date? Fiona, at least, was living her life.
“In fact, I shouldn’t be drinking. I’m babysitting. Well, my nephew’s twelve, so hardly a baby.”
“So no hot date for you, then?”
“Not tonight,” she replied.
I wondered why she was single. She was pretty, smart and had abs of steel. The kind of girl they called marriage material. Ashleigh had told me to date, right? “Would you like to go to dinner sometime?”
It wasn’t what I’d been planning to say, but now that I had, I hoped she’d say yes.
She narrowed her eyes at me.
I’d not asked a woman out for years. In fact, I didn’t think I’d ever asked Emma out. We just found ourselves in the same circle of friends a few times, and we kind of evolved from a drunken kiss. It felt like a lifetime ago. I’d been a kid. I’d thought for a few weeks that Fiona might like me, but her reaction to my invitation wasn’t overwhelming. “I mean, no big deal if you don’t want to. I just thought—”
“No. That sounds good. Like on a date?”
Was I about to make a giant twat of myself? I shrugged. “Yeah.”
Her cheeks flushed and she nodded. “Okay. Dinner.”
If only everything in my life could be as easy.
Ashleigh
“I’m sick of feeling so fucking miserable. I’ve totally lost my funny.” I took a seat at Beth’s kitchen counter and collapsed forward dramatically. Beth had asked for some help with a project, and I was happy to have the company.
“You’ve not lost your funny. You’re hilarious,” Beth responded.
“I used to be funny. I used to be able to make people laugh. Now, I’m a harbinger of doom. Wherever I go, I bring misery.”
“Now, you’re being funny, even if it is unintentional.”
I grinned. It was entirely intentional. I was ready to be me again. I’d had enough of moping around the house and avoiding Luke. Well, avoiding Luke had been made easy. He hadn’t been in touch. Not since the Sunday Haven and Jake had been in Chicago. That was over a month ago. I’d gone to Sunday night dinner the following weekend, but according to Haven, Luke was working. I’d not seen him since I’d run out on him.
“So you want to watch me get drunk?” I asked Beth.
“How can I resist an offer like that? But first can you help me with this?” Beth asked, gesturing behind me with the wooden spoon she was holding.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw a camera set up on a tripod facing our direction. What the what? I turned back to watch Beth pour honey into a mixing bowl. “Errr, excuse me, however much you’re offering? I’m not filming us naked with honey doing . . . God knows what.”