by Louise Bay
I shifted under his limbs, needing to think when he wasn’t touching me, when I couldn’t smell him, us. Carefully, I slid out from his grasp and padded into the bathroom.
My hair stuck up as though it had regressed to the eighties. I took out a brush from the cabinet and began to take out the tangles.
There will never be anyone else for me but you.
My stomach flipped over. Was this it? Was this the beginning of Luke and me? It felt like it. I knew that if I ever lost him, it might just kill me. I had to get this right. Being apart from him had been so painful, I’d felt the loss of him so viscerally—I couldn’t let it happen again. We needed to be cautious, not run before we could walk.
There was no way I was going to Haven’s smelling of sex. And anyway, he and I needed to talk before we went anywhere. It was almost midday and we were both expected for Sunday dinner, so I texted Haven and showered quickly, drying myself off and pulling on the jeans and shirt I’d had on before Luke had arrived.
Sleeping Luke was one of my favorite sights in the world. I had no idea how a body that big could look so completely relaxed and vulnerable. I sat next to him on the bed, close so I could feel his warmth against me, and began to turn on the alarm on my phone to wake him. He opened his eyes before I’d finished.
“Hey,” I said.
He went from sleepy to wide-awake when he saw me.
“What?” He jerked upright. “Ashleigh, what’s the matter?”
“Shhhh.” I stroked his face, trying to smooth the panic away. This wasn’t like the last time when I’d woken him and told him it wasn’t our time.
He clasped his hands around my waist and pulled us both back onto the mattress.
“We do need to talk.”
“I’m not letting you go, Ashleigh. You’re not pushing me away.” His words were clipped.
“I don’t want to.” I swiveled in his arms, and he gave me some room to turn. As I faced him, I brought my fingers to his face, trying to reassure him. “I just think—”
“I don’t want to hear any ifs or buts. This is it. We’re together now. Nothing else makes sense.”
I lifted my chin and pressed my lips to his. “I know.”
“You do?” he asked.
I nodded. “I want this to work.”
“It is going to work.” I could hear the tightness in his throat.
“But—”
“I said no buts.”
He was cute when he was argumentative.
“I want this to happen and you have to admit that it is complicated because of our history and what’s at stake.”
“But nothing we can’t handle. We got this. You have to trust me.”
I loved hearing his reassurance, his certainty. Everything he was saying made me feel better and better, more and more relaxed. Maybe this would be okay.
“I do trust you. More than anyone. But can I make a suggestion that I think might be good for both of us?”
He let out a short burst of breath like a sulky toddler, and I couldn’t help but giggle.
“Just hear me out. I was thinking that maybe we should date.”
He didn’t respond, instead waiting for me to elaborate.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“I don’t understand what you’re asking me. What do you mean ‘date’?”
“I mean, I think we should go out to dinner and talk, and you can walk me home and maybe kiss me and then we can talk on the phone and flirt and do all those things that people do when they’re dating.”
“Okay.” He eyed me suspiciously.
“So you agree?”
“I guess. Honestly, I think you’re trying to say something, and you’re handing it to me in a box marked ‘let’s date.’ Can you just spit it out? What are you trying to say?”
Of course he was right, he knew me so well.
“I think that last time we did this thing where we kind of went from naught to sixty in three seconds. I think this time we should give ourselves a bit more time to adjust. I mean, I know we just—”
“Had mind-blowing sex.”
I giggled. “Yes, and I’m not trying to put the genie back in the lamp. I’m just saying let’s give ourselves some time to get to know each other like this. As a couple.” I ran my fingers up his arms, unable to resist. “Maybe we shouldn’t spend every second together straight away. I don’t want to put more pressure on this situation in the short term, because I want it to work in the long run. Let’s take things slow.”
“Okay, well thank you for translating Ashleigh language into something I can just about comprehend.”
I kicked him in the calf and he grinned.
“So you want to date me?” he asked. He flipped me over onto my back and propped himself up above me before I had the chance to answer.
“Maybe.”
“Well, I’m having dinner with my sister and her husband later. Wanna be my date?”
I grinned at him. “Maybe.”
He dipped his head and trapped my bottom lip between his teeth and sucked. “I can live with us taking things slow. For now.”
“Thank you.” I kissed him lightly on his shoulder.
There would never be anyone else for me but Luke.
Ashleigh
I stood on the street in front of Haven’s building, Luke’s arms wrapped around me. It was a cold day, but I couldn’t have felt warmer. It had been just eight hours since Luke had shown up on my doorstep, determined to show me that he was over Emma and that he wanted me. We’d spent most of our time since naked. We hadn’t discussed anything, hadn’t made anything official. Our minds had been taken over by our bodies. It had been beautiful—blissful, even. I didn’t have words for what Luke and I were yet, and until I really knew where we stood, I didn’t want to expose our new status to any sort of scrutiny.
“You don’t think Haven will guess? She knows us both pretty well,” Luke said. “We could just be open with her. I don’t want to hide anything.”
He was right. My best friend knew her brother and me extremely well. One lingering glance and she’d know right away something was up. But despite everything, I wanted to take things slowly. I’d suggested we date. It had taken us this long to start what was between us, so why rush? I wanted to make sure what we had wasn’t just physical. I was confident it wasn’t for me, but after so many years of my love for Luke being unrequited, I needed time to understand how he felt. Which meant I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else.
“Then you’re going to have to put your game face on,” I said. “I don’t want her to guess. It’s not that I want to hide anything, but this is so new. We’ve been . . . dating for less than eight hours. Let’s just sit with this for a while.”
The first time Luke and I’d kissed, Haven had gone postal, and it had tipped me into a spin. I wanted to make sure I was stronger, more certain of Luke’s and my relationship, in case she took things badly again.
“Okay, whatever you need but I’m going to find it hard not to touch you for the next few hours.” Luke squeezed me tighter.
“You can do it. I have faith in you.” I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his chest. “I need you to take a walk around the block.”
“You do?”
“I don’t think we should arrive at the same time.”
Luke’s face dropped, but he nodded. He hugged me closer. “Let’s not stay long though, okay?”
I frowned. As far as I was concerned, dating and taking things slow meant that we didn’t spend every moment with each other.
“Oh,” he said. “You don’t want to spend the night together.” He removed his hands from my waist and shoved them in his pockets.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just I thought we agreed we should take things slowly—date, not rush in to anything.” Had he misunderstood what I’d suggested?
“Okay, well you’re going to have to explain the rules of dating to me so I’m clear.”
I tried to keep my wince fr
om showing on my face. “Are you mad?”
“No, not mad. I don’t . . . I want to make you happy, but I don’t want to waste time, either. I want to speed up, not slow down—make up for all those lost years when we could have been together.” He reached and tucked my hair behind my ear. “But if slow is what you need, then that’s how we’ll go.” He smiled softly, but it didn’t hide the tinge of disappointment in his voice.
“Thank you.”
“Can I at least think about you naked?” he asked.
I grinned. “I would be disappointed if you didn’t.”
He took a step back, about to make his journey around the block. I reached across and stroked his hard chest.
“See you in a minute.” I watched as he headed toward the main road.
I was sitting on one of the bar stools, watching Haven in the kitchen. I’d thought it was Jake’s turn to cook, but I wasn’t going to remind her. We would definitely have a better meal if Haven did the cooking.
“I got tickets to The Elephant Man. Jake can’t go. Want to come?” she asked as she set wineglasses onto the counter in front of me.
“I’ve seen it. I told you.” I was pretty sure I’d skipped over telling her.
“You did not. When did you see it?”
I shrugged “A couple of weeks ago.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked at me.
“With Richard.” I checked my phone. Luke had been gone twenty minutes. What was keeping him? I could use a distraction right at that moment. I was about to get the third degree from Haven.
“You’re dating again?”
“No, he just had a spare ticket.”
She raised her brows and went back to fiddling with the blender. The buzzer went, and Jake raced out of his study. “Is that you?” he bellowed into the intercom.
“What, I’m not good enough for you to come out of your hidey hole for?” I asked.
“You know Haven always sends me away while you talk about penises.”
“We weren’t talking about penises,” I replied.
“You’re right. We weren’t talking about penises, but we should have been. What’s Richard’s like?” Haven tilted her head.
The familiar sound of Luke banging about came from behind me, and I had to stop the grin that was trying to break free. Despite seeing him less than half an hour ago, anticipation fluttered in my stomach. “Hey girls,” he said. “What’s going on?” He strode across to Haven and planted a kiss on her cheek, stealing one of the pastries she was fiddling with as she smacked his hand.
“We’re talking about the fact that Ash is secretly dating Richard.”
If I didn’t know Luke so well, I wouldn’t have noticed the almost imperceptible stiffness that ran through him at her words. “We are?” he asked, as he slid his eyes to mine and raised his brows.
I shook my head. “We are not. Haven, stop being a witch.” Jesus, I really didn’t want Luke getting the wrong idea and thinking that I’d been less than honest with him when he’d asked me if there’d been anyone else. There was enough uncertainty between us; I didn’t need to add to it.
“I’m not being witch-like in any way. You just said how you went on a date with Richard.”
“I did not.” My eyes flitted between Luke and Haven. “I said he had a spare ticket to the theater and that I went with him. As friends. That’s it.” I wanted to smooth my hands over Luke’s jaw, to reassure him that for me Richard could never compare to him. Luke turned to the refrigerator.
“Could friends develop into something more?” Haven asked.
Luke was putting a little too much thought into his choice of beer. I wished he’d come and sit beside me.
“I think he sounds like a good catch. A doctor and stuff. And he’s so sweet to you. He treats you really well.” Haven glanced across at Luke.
“How can you say that? You of all people?” I replied to Haven. “You didn’t settle. You waited for . . .” I circled my hand in Jake’s direction. “You know. ‘The one.’ I don’t want to go out with someone because on paper they’re a good catch. No, he’s firmly in the friend zone.”
“I’ve heard that before,” Jake said.
“Jake, don’t encourage her,” I replied, glancing across at Luke, who was still checking out beer labels. My heart was starting to thump. Was he avoiding me?
“I’m not encouraging her. You’re the one who just confessed to going on a date with this Richard guy.”
“It wasn’t a date.” I shook my head.
“Sounds like a date to me,” Luke said as he spun to face me, grinning. I let out a breath as I realized he wasn’t mad.
“Whatever. Pour me some wine.” I pushed my glass across the counter at him.
He smiled as he took my drink, scraping his fingers along mine as he did. I shivered. Why had we come? Why had I suggested that we spend the night apart? Even if he wasn’t with me tonight, he would be all I thought about.
Haven shrugged. “I’m just saying, give the guy a break. I want you to be happy, Ash. He must like you if you’re still friends after you broke up with him. He might be the one without you even realizing it.”
“I think I’ll know when I find the one,” I mumbled into my glass. How I felt about Luke put any possibility of me ever dating Richard into a box marked never going to happen. He was a nice guy, but he didn’t set my skin on fire with a single touch. His smile couldn’t heat my cheeks. He just wasn’t the one.
“What was that?” Luke asked me.
“What?” I said, pretending not to follow him.
“You said something about the one?” Luke grinned at me, obviously enjoying every moment of my torture.
“What about you, Luke?” Jake interrupted, saving me from further embarrassment. “Have you manned up and asked Fiona out?”
I sucked in a breath. What would he reveal? “Should I take this to the table?” I asked Haven, gesturing at the salad, and trying to cover up the fact that I wanted to hear every last sound that came out of Luke’s mouth about Fiona. Haven glanced at me, a sympathetic look on her face, and nodded. She must have thought I didn’t want to hear about Luke dating Fiona. I wandered over to the other side of the living space with the bowl.
“Yeah, we went out a couple of times.”
“What?” Haven asked. “You’ve been dating and you’ve not told me? Do you like her? Are we going to meet her?”
“Yes I like her. She’s a nice girl.”
Even though I was pretty sure Luke didn’t have feelings for Fiona, my stomach twisted. I hated that he’d dated her. It wasn’t that he’d done anything wrong—he’d been doing what I’d wanted him to do—but it would have been better if she’d turned out to be a complete crazy person. After all, they still worked in the same office. He saw her regularly. It took every ounce of willpower not to blurt out that Luke and I were together. I wanted to claim him. To stop Haven from talking about other women who would be good for him. I was good for him.
Despite my curiosity, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I needed to take a beat, get my shit together. Staring into the mirror, I pressed my fingers along my eyebrows, straightening out my frown. I was used to being envious of Emma, but I’d always taken some comfort from the fact that she didn’t see the side of Luke that I did. She didn’t have the same shared history, couldn’t make him laugh the way I could. I didn’t know anything about Fiona. She had the triathlon thing in common with Luke, which he seemed to love. And she saw him at work, which I never did. Could she make him laugh? Had I become another Emma to Fiona?
As I wandered back to the living room, everyone had taken their seats around the dining table. I sank into the free seat between Luke and Jake. I tried to convince myself there was an invisible barrier between Luke and me. Touching was an impossibly bad idea if we didn’t want Haven and Jake to catch on.
The problem was, my barrier was faulty and acted more like a magnet. Being so close to him made me want to be closer still. I wanted him to hold
me. I crossed my arms in front of me, so I didn’t lose control and accidently reach for his floppy hair or smooth my hands across his broad back.
I startled when his leg brushed against mine as he reached for the jug of water—was he trying to torture me? I wanted to climb into his lap and feel his arms around me. His hand came to my thigh, and I melted.
He looked at me, and I widened my eyes at him in warning. What was he doing? I was worried Haven would see his hand. He squeezed my leg and removed his hand, leaving my skin buzzing. I glanced across at Haven. Had she seen that?
“So when do you hear about business school, Ash?” Jake asked.
I hesitated as I tried to concentrate on something other than Luke. “Soon, I think.” I’d forgotten that I should have a decision this week.
“How are you going to manage to study and work at the same time?” Haven asked. “Sounds impossible.”
“Yeah, I think it will be tough. Richard suggested I go part-time, but there’s no way. I mean, no.”
“How did he suggest you pay your rent?” Haven asked. “Honestly, men have no common sense.”
Jake rolled his eyes, and Luke shook his head at Haven’s dismissal of the male species. They both handled her perfectly.
“Oh, he had a solution for that. He said I should move in with him.”
Luke had his wineglass to his lips and spluttered into his drink at my revelation. “He said what?” His voice was tight.
I focused on Haven, afraid to meet Luke’s eyes. I probably shouldn’t have shared that without having mentioned it to Luke first.
“What, he was offering you his spare room?” she asked.
“In return for your vagina?” Jake added.
“It’s never okay for you to say vagina,” I said, grinning at Jake while Haven playfully smacked him on the arm. Luke didn’t join in, but his clenched fists told me he wasn’t happy. I desperately wanted to reach across my invisible barrier and drop a small kiss on his shoulder. He had nothing to worry about.
Luke
I believed Ashleigh when she said nothing had happened with Richard, but that didn’t stop me from feeling homicidal. Ashleigh was mine, and everyone needed to know it. I’d been a second away from announcing it to Haven and Jake. The only thing that stopped me was the thought that Ashleigh and I might take two steps back. I didn’t have time to do anything but move forward with her. I wanted to start our future together. I just wished she were as eager as I was.