by S. R. Watson
We’re back on the road and heading toward Texas. We’ve kind of settled back into status quo with everyone off in a little space they’ve claimed for themselves, but all I can think about is Lourdes. When did I let her back in? I can’t even blame it on our earth shattering sex because I suspect that she never left my heart.
I sit here at our dinner slash card table wishing I could go to her. I don’t want to put a title on it because that just screws everything up, but I can’t deny it anymore, I need her in my life. We have a record deal, we’re already beginning to climb the charts, and it seems like the world is our oyster right now. Yet I can’t help but feel like she is the one piece that is missing. And since I can’t offer her a relationship, I can’t even approach Xander about us. The whole thing is so complicated. I watch her lying across her bunk, biting her lip like she does when she’s deep in thought. I see the Algebra book she has open and suddenly I have my excuse to go to her.
I plop on the small bunk next to her. She looks up at me in surprise before looking around nervously to see where Xander is.
“Relax, princess. You look like you could use some help over here,” I say, pointing to her math book. She turns over on her back and grins up at me. Those fucking beautiful grays of hers send a punch to my gut.
“That obvious, huh?” She makes room on the bunk for me. “They just want our money. I don’t even need this class for my career path, yet they make everybody take these core classes.”
“Well, good thing I just happen to be good at math,” I say, smirking. “I can be your private tutor.” I draw tiny circles on her wrist with my finger. The look that passes between us is electric.
“I’m just a little ole’ poor college student,” she drawls out, eager to play along.
“Oh, I bet I could think of some ways for you to pay off your debt.” I wink. She tries to hold it in at first, but fails. She laughs so loud, it gets the attention of our guys. I don’t miss the curious stare from Xander in particular.
I don’t even care. I fucking love that sound coming from her, especially since I was the one to break her before. Her laugh is the most amazing sound to my ears. I ignore the attention on us and begin to tickle her. She laughs even harder until her cute little ass wiggles right out of the bed and onto the floor.
I don’t want Xander to blow a coronary so I get up to go join the guys, but I help her up first. “We’ll talk about the terms of my tutoring later, princess,” I whisper before I go. She is all smiles as she climbs back into her bunk to try and resume her studying Good luck with that. I can’t help my own smile that forms knowing she’s thinking about me now, too, if she wasn’t already.
“What was that all about?” Xander asks when I sit down on the sofa next to him and Lily. Lily hides her own smile behind her shirt sleeve and I know instantly she knows. Lourdes has been talking it seems. Hmmm, good things I hope. The blush trailing up Lily’s neck is an indication that it was.
“Oh, just teasing your sis for sucking at math. I happen to be a math genius you know?” I wink at Lily because I know she sees through my bullshit. If Lourdes trusted her enough to tell her anything about us then I know that I can too.
“Well, that definitely explains the laughter,” Xander chuckles. “Damn self-proclaimed genius,” he adds. If only he knew. The guys may think that music was the only gift I was given, and I’m fine with letting them believe exactly that.
“Hey, I have an idea for another cover song for our next concert if you guys can learn if before we get to Texas,” I mention to change the subject. Honestly the song is an old favorite, but the fact that it popped into my head when I was tickling Lourdes makes me want to perform it.
The mention of a new song has his attention. He calls for Keyser and Gable to come hear about it.
“This new song…is it something we can rock out to or a ballad?” Gable asks. The guys know I like to keep us diverse. We can rock with any song, but sometimes we like to slow things down and give the audience some our tenderness to keep them guessing.
“A ballad, but one that is open for interpretation. It can be about love, a personal struggle, redemption, or whatever the listener identifies it to be,” I explain.
“Sounds deep, man. What is it?” Keyser joins in on the conversation.
“The Unknown by Dirty South featuring Fmlybnd,” I tell them, but I see the confused expressions on their faces. “You guys need to broaden the genres you listen to. Xander, grab me your guitar and a mic.” He shoots me the finger but then gets up to get what I asked for. I see Lourdes close her laptop. She joins us in the living area to hear me play. She’s the inspiration for wanting to do this cover so I want her to hear me.
“Here you go, since you asked so kindly,” Xander says handing the mic and guitar to me.
Since I can’t play and hold the mic at the same time I pass it to Lourdes.
“Lourdes do you mind holding the mic so I don’t have to find a stand for this thing?” She takes the mic from me and nods nervously. It’s cute. Wait until she hears the lyrics. I’m going to sing to her in front of the entire bus and enjoy her reaction when she realizes why I picked this song.
“Head shaking, heart racing, thick fear is all around. A wall of darkness in front of me,” I sing, looking into Lourdes’s eyes. Recognition of the lyrics is apparent. Her eyes begin to water before I even make it to the chorus. Thankfully, Lily is tearing up too. It keeps the guys from figuring out the significance. “Dive deep to the unknown,” I repeat over and over. I close my own eyes as the chorus resonates so deeply with what I’m feeling right now. I don’t have all the answers—whether I should stay away from the one woman who has the power to destroy me or embrace the fall of the unknown. This song coming to me when it did tells me I should just dive deep into the unknown.
“I freaking love it,” Xander says after I sing the last lyric. “It’s definitely a song that will move the crowd. I can’t wait to bring in all the instrumentals. It even has the girls crying.”
“Yeah, man. What made you think of it?” Gable presses. His piercing stare is telling. He’s trying to figure out if I really just laid my feeling out about Lourdes for everyone to see. The answer to that was received by its intended recipient, so he can just keep wondering. I love my guys like they are my brothers, but somethings I can’t share.
“I don’t know, Gable. I guess having my brother visit just kicked up a lot of past history and unresolved shit simmering at the surface. Like I said, this song is about individual interpretation.” He and Keyser nod their understanding so I guess my explanation is satisfactory.
Thing is, everything I said is true. My past is the reason for my mistrust. I’ve experienced firsthand how fickle love is. All the shit that I try to suppress is never far from the surface—there threatening to be seen…to be exposed.
“I have one more song about redemption,” I tell the guys. “I wrote this one and have laid the tracks to it, but we can tweak it later.” If they thought the first song was something, this one is even more revealing. So much so, I hesitated if I should share it or not. Throwing caution to the wind, I begin.
I told myself that I’d never look back
I was the reason for all your pain and I never wanted to hurt you again
I never wanted to be the reason for your tears so it was best that I moved on
But then you forgave me for all my past sins
You refused to give my heart back and it was then that the road to my redemption began
Here is my creed of Redemption
I promise to be a better man this time around
My heart was never mine from the minute you came around
Here is my creed of redemption
I will give you my all
You’ve seen me at my worst
You see me like nobody else can
You have my heart and I will forever be your man
Redemption
Redemption
You’re my redemption
&n
bsp; The guys applaud and tell me how badass they think the song is, but I can only focus on Lourdes. What is she thinking? She will always have my heart and I know this now. My thoughts are interrupted by Lourdes handing me back the mic. She wipes away her tears with the back of her hands.
“That was beautiful, Diesel,” she says as she looks away. I don’t want her to look away. I want to see the feelings that she’s hiding. I want to kiss her tears away and dive deep within her. Instead I have to watch her walk away. She climbs back into her bunk, but she doesn’t open her laptop this time. She moves the book out of her way. She turns so that her back is facing us and I fucking hate that I can’t go to her.
I get up to get myself a glass of water. The guys are still discussing the songs and their take on it. Lily comes up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. I jump from the shock of her touch. I wasn’t expecting it.
“I got it, Diesel, and so did Lourdes. That was fucking beautiful. Ballsy, but beautiful,” she says. “I’ll go and talk to her. I think I know what she may be feeling right now.” I knew Lourdes had told her about us and now she just confirmed it. I don’t know how much she knows, but I’m glad Lourdes has someone to confide in.
“What is that, Lily? What is it that you think she’s feeling?” I look to make sure the guys are not listening to us, but they’re not.
“Well, if I just had the man that I have feelings for sing a song like that to me in front of everyone and I couldn’t react, I’d be pretty bummed about it. I’m not inside her head Diesel, but if I had to guess, I’d say she’s sad that she can’t just be with you.” I never thought about that. Lily is nearly out of the kitchen before I answer her.
“Same.” I shake my head. “Fucking same.”
“Hey,” I hear Lily whisper behind me. She climbs onto my bunk with me and I look up at her through teary eyes. “Aww, Lourdes. Come on. Let’s go talk.” I don’t want to get up, but she’s not having it. I don’t want to cause a scene so I follow her. She throws her head back in laughter like I’ve just said the funniest thing ever. I’m guessing we’re being watched. Once we’re behind closed doors, she pulls me into hug. I let the sobs wrack my body.
“It’s not fair, Lily. Happiness has always been just out of reach for me. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m alive—like I’m just existing, you know?” She hugs me tighter and I let it all go. “I watch everyone else in their own happiness, but I can’t seem to have any for myself. Something always happens, and now this. Diesel practically admitted that he still has feelings for me with that song. He doesn’t let people in, Lily. Neither of us can do jack shit about it without the risk of unraveling everything the band has worked so hard to build.”
“I’m so sorry. Maybe I could talk to Xander. He’s the key to this shit storm, right? If he was on board with you two being together then Keyser and Gable would have no reason to care.” I can see the concern etched in her face.
“It would never work, and I couldn’t gamble the band’s future on him understanding. Too much has happened. He witnessed me going from his princess to what he called Goth Barbie. I transformed into an introvert who was only a shell of the girl he once knew. He had always been over protective of me, but even more so when he saw the change. He even speculated that some douche had broken my heart. You saw how Diesel was at the beginning of this tour with Ivy and then Melissa. You think my brother would willingly give him the green light to be with me? Not to mention the shit he probably has inside knowledge of that I have no idea about.”
Lily takes a seat on the bed and pats a spot next to her. “I know you’re right. I just wish there was a way,” she agrees sadly.
“Me too. I didn’t come here for Diesel. I really didn’t. We’re like magnets. When we’re in the vicinity of each other, we can’t resist the pull.” My tears fall harder. “Maybe I should just leave. We’re both stronger apart.”
“No way. You’re not leaving. I’ll do what I can to cover for you guys,” Lily pleads. I guess I said that out loud. “Look we will think of something to get you two some alone time until you can figure out a better plan.”
“I can’t ask you to do that Lily. If this all comes out, and Xander finds out that you not only knew, but had hand in us being together, he will feel betrayed. He may not forgive you.”
“I get that and it’s not a betrayal. I love you both. You’re his sister and you need me too, Lourdes. We all need to feel like we have somebody. I know you have Brooke, but guess what? You have me too, and I say just existing is not a way for anyone to live. If Diesel is the man that makes you feel alive, then it is not up to anyone else to dispute that. If Xander ever finds out, I’ll just have to make him see that I did this out of my love for you He loves you, Lourdes. I talked to him briefly before I came to you. He’s sad too. You two need each other and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure the two of you have a chance.”
Lily has said a mouth full. I know I should insist again that she stay out of this, but she is just as intense as Brooke. Her intentions are pure and sweet and frankly we could use her help. She’s right. Diesel is the only man that makes me feel alive—my skeletons don’t seem so suffocating when everything is right between us. I need him.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Okay,” she agrees. She scoots further up the bed and folds down the covers for me. “Everything is going to be all right. I’m here, Lourdes.” That’s all she needs to say. There is no way I can go back out there without drawing suspicion and there is no way Diesel can come in here to comfort me for the exact same reason. Lily turns out the lights and I know that she’s not going to leave me. For the first time since this tour began, I’m hopeful. I may not be able to have the relationship that I want with Diesel, but with Lily’s help it will be more than nothing. That’s a start. I’ll take something over nothing.
The last few days with Diesel have been amazing. We sneak little kisses in when nobody is watching or early morning touching before everyone else gets up. Our constant flirting is giving me a blue vagina though. Still, I appreciate the time we get. This is the Diesel that I fell for—the tender moments that eradicate witnessing him being a manwhore. Although, we haven’t put a label on what we’re doing, it feels like old times. We’re teetering on dangerous ground, but I have never felt more alive. I’m addicted to this feeling—this high. I’m addicted to him and I can finally admit that to myself.
He is in his bunk above mine now, but since Xander is in his with Lily right across from us, I don’t make any attempts to mess with him. His phone rings and I hear him answer.
“Yeah, Sevyn. What’s up, man?” Diesel lowers his voice, but I can still hear him. “What? I wonder how in the hell they found out? This is good, though, right?” He pauses and I wish I could hear what is being said. I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but something is up. “Okay. Look into it and let me know when you have something,” he finishes before ending the call.
“Everything all right?” Xander questions from across the way.
“Just peachy,” Diesel remarks. He hops from his bunk when the bus begins to come to a stop and I see that he is shirtless. I watch his muscles flex as he pulls a t-shirt from the place he was just lying and slips it over his head. I want to sneak in a touch so bad. I need to tide over this hunger for him. He looks down at me and smirks. Handsome Fucker. I stick my tongue out at him.
“Give your girl a breather and come rehearse slacker,” he tells Xander. He walls off, but not before winking at me. I swear it’s one of his hottest Dieselisms. That and his signature smirk. Xander kisses Lily before he gets up to follow Diesel and a pang of jealousy hits me. I wish we could be just as open. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of his relationship with Lily. Those two are so perfect for one another. As soon as he is out of sight, she comes over to my bunk.
“Want to watch some reality TV and make fun of the stupid crap they do?” I’m caught up on homework and I’ve already written some for the book. I don’t watch t
elevision that often, but a distraction is in order.
“Sure. I need your help with this grocery list first if you don’t mind. Xander asked if we could get the stuff on the list they made while they rehearse,” Lily mentions. “The list is not too bad.”
“You know I don’t mind. It’ll help cut the time in half if we split the list.” I’m already out of my bunk. “So they’re not getting off the bus at all?” We’ve haven’t reached our next scheduled stop, but sometimes Gus and Stewart will stop to take a break from driving and to allow us to get things we need.
“Yeah. They’re getting off to rehearse on Reckless Ambition’s bus,” Lily says. She’s looking through the refrigerator to see if the guys forgot to put anything on the list. She writes some things on the paper she has in her hand while I peek out of the window. The guys are already gone.
I see the sleek black bus parallel to ours. Both buses purposefully leave off any identifying signage revealing who’s inside. The other bus is always either in front or behind us, but Reckless Ambition is rarely on it. They travel by flight and stay in hotels mostly. Their bus just carries their equipment to each tour stop.
“I bet the interior of their bus is even nicer than this one,” I say, still staring out the window.
“I’m sure it is. It’s the party bus.” Lily pauses and tries to change the subject. “Are you ready to go?”
“What do you mean by party bus?” I’m not letting her off the hook. Apparently Xander shares with her way more than he does with me. She looks at me hesitantly. “Spill it, Lily.”
“Sometimes the guys get off the bus, Lourdes. We stop long enough for them to get on the other bus before we start moving again. That’s where all the groupie shit happens. Since the other band is rarely on there, it’s a place for them to be wild without subjecting us to their sexual conduct.”