by Harry Morris
On the day of the crime, one of the youths was going out when the victim took the opportunity to go out and speak openly with him about the possibility of toning down the loud music late at night, due to his wife having just returned home from hospital after giving birth to a baby.
The accused stood with his legs apart, callously listening to what was being asked of him, while deliberately displaying utter contempt for his complainer as he looked his victim up and down.
When the talking finished, the accused then walked off without saying anything.
During the court summing up by the advocate depute, who described briefly for the judge a short summary of the events leading to the death of the victim as supplied to him in the police reports, events were described as something like this:
‘Having had occasion to speak with the accused earlier that day with regard to his complaint, the victim, James Miller, a loving husband and father of a newborn baby, was leaving his house, when he was confronted by both accused outside the tenement close mouth where he resided and whereby he was subjected to a totally unprovoked and vicious attack, resulting in his death. Firstly, the accused instigated a heated argument with him, whereby they verbally abused his wife and newborn baby. During which time, one of te accused walked behind the victim, out of his view, while the other stood at his front, facing up to him and continuing with his abusive insults. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the accused standing behind James Miller pushed the defenceless victim forward, resulting in the first accused producing a large knife from inside his jacket pocket and stabbing the victim several times in the stomach. While this was taking place at the front of the victim, the second accused, standing directly behind the victim, struck out at him with a golf club, which he had concealed on his person under his coat. He struck out at the victim so hard and viciously that the blow to his head smashed his skull. As a result of this cowardly attack, using the golf club as a weapon, parts of the victim’s skull were imbedded deeply into his brain. Medical evidence was conclusive in that, if the attack with the knife, resulting in numerous, deep stab wounds to his stomach, coupled with the smashed skull, hadn’t achieved the desired effect of killing him, James Miller would most definitely have sustained severe and irreparable brain damage. This was a totally vicious, premeditated, reckless attack by two men displaying complete and utter disregard for the consequences, or the serious (fatal) injuries it would cause, by using offensive weapons on an innocent, defenceless, unarmed victim.’
Having described a similar, if not exact, account of the events and subsequent proceedings relating to this case, I will now describe the account given by the defence counsel and his interpretation of the same events and resulting outcome, regarding the death of the victim.
He began with, ‘It appears that while looking for a flat-mate in order to share the costs of running his house, the younger of the two cousins was contacted regarding same and subsequently agreed to move in. The boys led a fairly quiet life, considering their relatively young ages. It also did not go unnoticed by the boys that their downstairs neighbour, the aforesaid victim, James Miller, was indeed renowned for having a bit of a reputation in the area as what can only be described as a local hardman and was certainly not the kind of person whom you would go out of your way to get involved with. As a result, the boys made a point of deliberately steering clear of him at all times and trying to maintain a quiet and unobtrusive lifestyle. However, on the particular day of the events leading up to the unfortunate episode that brings us to court today, the younger of the two accused had left the house with his golf club, to go on to a nearby grassy knoll in front of the tenement building where he stayed, to practise his golf swing. It was whilst engaged alone in this particular activity that he was approached and subsequently confronted by the renowned James Miller, who lived up to his hardman reputation by threatening the younger man with acts of violence if he did not refrain from playing his music. During this episode of events, the second cousin had occasion to look out of the window of his house and observe the events taking place. On seeing the look of what can only be described as fear and obvious alarm etched across the face of his younger cousin, he immediately left the house to go to his assistance. In haste, as he made his way out of the house, he picked up the first thing he could lay his hands on, which unfortunately just happened to be a kitchen knife. There was absolutely no intent to use the knife, it was merely to act as a threat, or deterrent, against a grown, mature man such as James Miller, with a fearsome reputation and who was presently threatening his younger, terrified cousin. As it was, as he made his way towards the scene to confront Miller, he to, became embroiled in a heated argument, but was still trying desperately in his own way to defuse the situation amicably, without anyone getting hurt. Suddenly, and purely by accident, the younger cousin swung his golf club at the ball on the ground, missing it completely, but as a result of his action, he followed through with his swing and struck the victim, Miller, on the rear of his head, an action which caused James Miller to lunge forward. In what appeared like a physical attack by Miller, as he lunged forward at him, the second cousin reacted instantly by striking out with his clenched fist in a punching motion, while momentarily forgetting that he was holding a knife. As a result, the victim, Miller, was stabbed several times. The accused immediately regretted their spontaneous but accidental actions and responded by trying to give assistance to the victim, Miller, but to no avail. Both young men were, and still are, totally inconsolable with remorse regarding the regrettable and unfortunate events of that day and the fatal consequences as a result of their actions. However, m’lord, I would reiterate that these young men were deliberately placed in this unfortunate situation by the victim, James Miller, and his threats of physical violence coupled with his fearsome reputation in the area as a vicious hardman.’
One defendant was sentenced to two years’ imprisonment and the other received 200 hours’ community service, thrown in as an afterthought.
Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘That’s got to be a bloody joke!’ but regrettably it’s not.
Unfortunately, for us all, it’s our so-called legal system! Which makes you seriously wonder, why didn’t the judge just throw in some golf lessons as well?
Bargains Galore
• • •
Dae ye want tae buy some aftershave,
Some razor blades or toys?
Dae ye need some kiddies’ clothes?
I can supply it for girls or boys.
Everything is a third of the price
And I’ll deliver them tae yer door.
Don’t ask me where they came from
And I’ll promise tae get ye more.
Dae ye want tae buy a hi-fi, a video or DVD?
They fell aff the back of a lorry
And guess who found them? Me!
I can sell them tae ye dirt cheap
‘Cause nuthin’ in life is free,
But don’t expect yer money back
Because there is nae guarantee.
I need the cash right here and now
‘Cause I’ve an itch I need tae scratch,
I know a punter who’s dealing drugs
And I’d like tae score a batch.
So make yer mind up quickly
Or somebody else will buy it
And if things get hot and you get caught
Jist remember, I’ll deny it!
Anon
Did You Say a Raygun?
• • •
A call was received at the control room, reporting an incident involving firearms.
The controller made several unsuccessful attempts to contact the duty armed response vehicle crew, and unable to gain any response, it was decided to contact them via their mobile phone.
After a few rings, the telephone was answered.
‘Hello there, it’s the force control room here,’ the controller said.
The voice at the other end of the phone replied, ‘Hello! What can I
do for you?’
‘Can you attend a firearms incident, regarding a man seen in possession of a shotgun?’ the controller asked.
Whereby the voice at the other end of the phone replied, ‘I would love to, but I can’t.’
‘And why not?’ the irate controller responded.
‘Because I’m a spray painter in a garage workshop and the only gun I have is a spray gun.’
This response was followed by silence from the control room and a red face for the controller.
Doctor’s Surgery
• • •
Everybody has been through this at one time or another.
You enter the surgery and there is a sign above the wee window where the receptionist sits, which states, ‘Please stand back and afford each patient some privacy.’
Then the receptionist asks you, ‘And what’s wrong with you today, Mr Morris?’
Now, she is sitting inside a room by herself, speaking to you through a small window, whereas I am on the outside, standing in a crowded waiting room, surrounded by several other patients.
So I whisper to her what my complaint is, to which she responds by asking me to repeat it.
Now, I would see the point if she was going to prescribe something for my problem, but she’s not!
She’s just a nosy cow and looking for something juicy to tell all her pals at the next slimmers’ club meeting.
Therefore I have a new way of approaching this problem and it’s this:
I walked into the crowded surgery and approached the wee window, where she asked me, ‘Well, Mr Morris, what are you here to see the doctor about today?’
I responded by blurting out, ‘There’s something up with my penis!’
The receptionist became very irritated by my response to her question and said, ‘You can’t walk into a crowded waiting room and speak like that.’
‘Why not?’ I replied. ‘You asked me what I wanted to see the doctor about and I just told you!’
‘But you have caused embarrassment to some of the other patients in the waiting room,’ she replied. ‘You should have just said you had something wrong with your nose, or something like that, and then you can discuss the problem further with the doctor in private.’
‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t have asked me what I wanted to see the doctor about in front of a crowded waiting room of strangers,’ I replied.
However, I then walked out of the surgery, waited a few moments, then re-entered, where I made my way up to the receptionist’s window.
She looked at me and gave a smug grin, before saying, ‘What would you like to see the doctor about today?’ I decided to play her game.
‘I have something up with my nose!’ I replied.
The receptionist nodded and gave me an approving smile, pleased that I had taken her advice.
‘And what is it that is wrong with your nose, Mr Morris?’ she asked, rather condescendingly.
Too which I couldn’t resist replying, ‘I have a problem when I’m pissing out of it!’ much to the delight and laughter of the waiting room.
Upper-class Neds
• • •
It would appear that after some research, the neds from the Paisley area are more fussy and hard to please than anywhere else in Strathclyde.
Such was the case when a car owner parked his vehicle in a car park near to the town centre while he went Christmas shopping.
What a shocking surprise he received on his return a few hours later – his car door lying open, his passenger window smashed and his car ransacked.
However, the biggest surprise for the car owner was the fact that his precious radio/cassette had been removed from the dashboard and left on the roof of his car with a note attached to it which stated: ‘YOUR FUCKING STEREO’S NOT WORTH A SHIT … MERRY XMAS!’
I love it!
A ned who steals to a high standard and is not satisfied with any old crap!
Supervisors
• • •
When the body was first developed, all parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain insisted, ‘Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I believe that I should be the boss.’
The feet said, ‘Since we carry “man” wherever he wants to go, we should be the boss.’
The hands said, ‘Since we do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, we should be the boss.’
The eyes then staked their claim: ‘Since we have to look out for all of you, we should be the boss.’
And so it went on, with the heart, the ears and finally … the bum. The other parts all laughed at the thought of it. Imagine the bum thinking he could be the boss!
Due to the others’ hurtful remarks, the bum got mad and refused to function.
As a result, the brain became feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the legs got wobbly and the stomach became bloated and sore.
All of them pleaded with the brain to relent and allow the bum to be boss.
Under pressure, the brain agreed.
All the other parts got back down to doing their work and the bum simply took over and became the boss and passed a load of crap!
Moral of the story?
You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss … only a bum!
The Bar Officer
• • •
The door to the station opened and in walked an obnoxiously loud and very unattractive, snarling-faced woman with two young children, who she was verbally and physically abusing all the way up to the desk.
The elderly senior police officer on desk duty greeted her with the following: ‘Good morning ma’am. Nice children you have – are they twins?’
The ugly woman immediately stopped her verbal and physical abuse of them and turned her attention to the police officer.
‘Christ no! … They’re no’ twins … The oldest is nine and the younger one is seven.’ she replied, before asking in an aggressive manner.
‘Whit the hell would possibly make you think they were twins? … Are you blind or just stupid? … You don’t really believe they look alike. Do you?’
‘No!’ replied the elderly officer shaking his head.
‘But what I find even harder to believe is the fact that you could have been laid twice!’
Offer a Lift Home?
• • •
At a recent party being held in a local bowling club by a retiring police officer – which just so happened to be well attended by his many colleagues, all looking for a drink on the ‘auld yin’ – a young probationer policewoman, who had consumed several drinks over a very short period of time that evening, showed off her well-rehearsed party trick of putting her full hand into her mouth, up to her wrist.
There wasn’t a man or woman in the club that night who wasn’t suitably impressed.
Subsequently, after performing this fantastic, nay, amazing feat, she received offers from several of her male colleagues – and two female officers – of a lift home that night.
Isn’t it amazing how a little thing like that can impress so many people?
Now, I’m not boasting, but not to be outdone by a young female probationer, I would just like to make you aware that I can bite my big toe, on either foot.
However, I cannot remember ever being offered a lift home from anybody.
Am I missing something here?
Breastfeeding Awards
• • •
‘Harry boy! It’s me, Donnie. I cannot believe it! After you giving me absolute pelters for trying to enrol you into my latest public service of the breastfeeding support classes, I have come across this leaflet at the local gym. It’s called the Breastfeeding Welcome Award and is an award given to public places that welcome breastfeeding mothers and their children. Now, wait for it – places that meet the award criteria receive a certificate and stickers to display.’
Donnie then informed me that he had applied for an inspection, to see if his new conservatory meets with the criteria, or will he have to fit venet
ian blinds all round?
These places must also employ caring staff who are welcoming and helpful to breastfeeding mothers and who are displaying a ‘Breastfeeding Welcome’ logo.
‘Does that not describe me to a tee?’ Donnie asked. ‘And no specification as to the sex staff need to be. Now, the logo is that of a young woman cradling a baby to her bosom and appearing to be breastfeeding it. Also, the staff must respect a mother’s right to breastfeed anywhere, in the building or the grounds! And the breastfeeding mother must be left undisturbed, although staff – that’s me – will respond in a positive manner if asked for assistance, e.g. supply a chair, a glass of water, or in my case,’ added Donnie, ‘give a helping hand! And how do they define a public place?’ he asked. ‘Anywhere that is open to the general public and where they have access, such as cafés, museums, shops, football stadiums, sports centres, swimming pools, banks, Donnie’s new conservatory’ –which he informs me is now open to the public – ‘libraries, hospitals, on public transport, while driving a bus, health centres, in a church, during confession, dental surgeries, community centres, your own living room and even playing in goal for Hearts, if selected by the owner, Vladimir Romanov, etc.’
Now, a word of warning to all young mothers out there with babies whom they are breastfeeding. Does this new act not have a loophole, which is there to be abused by Donnie, a keen, eager and helpful member of the public?
And finally, the Breastfeeding (Scotland) Act 2005 states the following:
This Act of the Scottish Parliament makes it an offence to prevent, or stop a child who is permitted to be in a public place, or licensed premises from being fed milk in that place, or on those premises; and for connected purposes.
So the next time you are in the cinema, smooching with your girlfriend, wife, or someone else’s wife for that matter, and you hear peculiar, loud sooking noises coming from behind you, don’t be alarmed, it’s probably just some wean getting breastfed! Well … Maybe?