by Harry Morris
We each took our drinks, ambled over to a table in the corner of the pub and sat down to enjoy them.
I was the first to get up and order another round of drinks, which Tracy placed on the tray.
As I went to pay her, she said, ‘It’s on the house.’
I then thanked her and returned to the table, where Danny winked his eye and said, ‘Freebie?’
I nodded my head.
A short time later, Danny decided to get the next round in.
Up he went to the bar and said, ‘Same again, Lorraine.’
Lorraine poured the drinks, placed them on the tray and as Danny was about to lift them up, she said, ‘That’s seven pounds forty please, Danny!’
Danny was stunned!
For a moment he looked as though he’d need to sit down and be force-fed a drink, but like the trooper he was, he put on a brave face, searched his jacket until he found which pocket he had hidden his wallet in and withdrew a ten-pound note to pay.
On his return to the table, he said, ‘She charged me!’
‘Well, maybe only the first couple were free. Never mind, let’s just drink up,’ I said.
A short time later, three gorgeous young girl students entered the pub and sat down at the next table to ours and we all began chatting together.
Duncan went up to the bar and ordered them drinks: ‘Same again, Tracy, and three white wine spritzers.’
As he stood there with his money in his hand, Tracy placed the drinks on a tray and said, ‘It’s on the house.’
Duncan thanked her and returned to the table with the tray of drinks, where he whispered in Danny’s ear, ‘That was another freebie, big man!’
In the meantime we were learning more about the girls and the fact that all three of them shared an apartment in West Princes Street, nearby.
Time for another round and it was Gibby’s turn, but to everyone’s surprise, Danny volunteered. After all, it was his howf and he was hoping to get a free round and maybe get his money back for the one he paid for by mistake!
‘Same again, Lorraine, and three white wine spritzers.’
Lorraine duly filled the tray with the drinks order, then announced, ‘That’s eleven pounds sixty please, Danny.’
All credit to him, Danny managed to compose himself and produce another couple of ‘Queens’ (ten-pound notes) from his wallet.
This was not only a shock to Danny, but also to the pictures of the Queen on the notes still in his wallet, who were now wearing sunglasses to protect their eyes from the light, having been kept in Danny’s wallet for so long.
As he staggered back to the table, not from the amount of drink he had consumed but from the shock of having to buy another round, he was assisted to his seat.
The drink was flowing and the conversation became more friendly with the girls.
Gibby suggested that we all go back to their apartment and have a party.
‘Good idea!’ said the girls in total agreement. ‘But let’s get another drink first, to put us in the party mood.’
‘I’ll get it,’ volunteered Gibby, as he rushed up to the bar. ‘Same again, Tracy, and three spritzers.’
As before, she placed them on the tray and said the three immortal words we loved to hear: ‘On the house.’
When he returned to the table, he couldn’t resist telling Danny that it was another freebie.
However, Danny was too busy asking the girls if they thought he looked like David Soul, of Starsky and Hutch fame, but a better comparison would have been a ‘lemon sole’ of fishy fame.
The girls quickly downed their final drinks and suggested they would go on ahead, to tidy the apartment, put on some soft music, slip into something comfortable and prepare some ‘Scooby snacks’ for us to eat.
Gibby volunteered to run them along the road in his brand new red Datsun Bluebird, parked across the road.
‘Is that yours? It’s a lovely car, but no thanks, we’re quite near, so we’ll just walk it and allow you to finish your drinks in peace,’ they said, appreciating the offer.
As the three girls left, Danny – or should I say ‘David Soul’ – decided to order up one last drink for the road.
‘A bit of advice, Danny,’ I said. ‘Don’t call the barmaid “Huggy Bear”, I don’t think she’ll like it.’
Up he went to the bar and blurted out, ‘Same again, Lorraine, minus the spritzers, and pour one for yourself.’
She promptly placed them on the tray and said, ‘That’ll be eight pounds seventy please, Danny.’
Poor Danny, he took us to a howf in his area and ended up being the only one paying for any of the drinks.
The Queen has never seen as much light for years.
‘Never mind, Danny, I think we’ve definitely cracked it with they burds, that’ll cheer you up a bit,’ Gibby said.
As we drank up and prepared to leave, Lorraine shouted over, ‘Say hi to Tom, Dicha and Harri for me!’
This didn’t exactly click with us until we got outside and saw Gibby’s new red Datsun Bluebird car with four flat tyres and a note on the windscreen which said, ‘Sorry, guys, the party’s off and you’re not our type, but we did enjoy the free drinks and that’s why we’ve left you with something to remind you of our time together. P.S. Enjoy your blow job, boys!’
Picture This!
• • •
Big John Wilson, an ex-inspector, after retiring from the police went into his second love, that of dealing in antique furniture.
In order to find that something different for his furniture store, he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
On his arrival, he met with some other dealers and selected several items that he was confident would sell back home.
In order to celebrate his new acquisitions, he decided to visit a small bistro for a glass of wine and sat down at the only table available.
Before long, a beautiful young Parisian woman approached his table and asked him something in French, which he did not understand, and pointed towards the spare chair, at which he invited her to sit down.
He then tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a few minutes of trying to communicate with her, John took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded in agreement and he ordered her up a large glass of wine.
A short while later, John took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded.
They left the bistro together and walked along the front, until they found a quiet little café that featured a small quartet group playing romantic music.
They sat down and ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded again, and they both got up to dance.
They continued to dance until the café closed and the band began to pack up.
As they sat back down at their table, the young French girl took hold of a napkin and drew a picture of a delightful four-poster bed.
To this day, big John has absolutely no idea how she managed to figure out that he was involved in the furniture business!
Snap! Text
• • •
Bono, the lead vocalist of the internationally known band U2, is famous throughout the music industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He was playing a concert in Glasgow, when he asked the audience for complete and total silence in the hall.
Once everyone had gone quiet, he began to click his fingers together every few seconds.
After holding the entire audience spellbound for several moments, while continuing to snap his fingers he announced over his microphone, ‘Every time I snap my fingers, a child in Africa dies.’
Suddenly a voice with a broad Glaswegian accent bellowed out from near the front of the stage, ‘Well, fuckin’ stop daein’ it, ya fud!’
Order in the Court
• • •
True Storie
s from the Law Courts
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved with, or presently uses, voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: Yes, I do.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: No, voodoo.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: Yes, we both do.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Who, do voodoo?
WITNESS: I do, and her too.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, I do voodoo.
JUDGE: Would you both stop right there? I’m becoming totally confused with all this!
Heather the Weather
• • •
A truck driver stopped for a red light, when a young blonde girl pulled up behind him, jumped out of her car, ran up to his truck and knocked on the door.
The trucker lowered his window and the girl said, ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!’
The trucker ignored her and continued to drive off along the road.
When he stopped at the next red light, the girl caught up again, jumped out of her car and ran up to his door, whereby the trucker again lowered his window.
As if they had never met, the young blonde girl said, ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!’
Shaking his head, the trucker ignored her again and drove off along the road.
As he stopped for a third red light, the same thing happened, as the girl pulled up behind him, jumped out of her car and ran up to his door, out of breath.
The trucker again rolled down his window, whereby the young blonde girl said, ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!’
When the light turned to green, the trucker revved up his engine and raced to the next traffic light.
When he stopped this time, he jumped out of his truck and ran back to the young blonde girl’s car and knocked on her window.
After she lowered it, he said to her, ‘Hi, my name is Billy and I’m driving a gritter wagon!’
Monopoly – a Game of Chance
• • •
One late shift, the sergeant handed Ian Whitelaw a number of arrest warrants to enquire into.
That night, along with a colleague, he called at the house of a man known to him, who was wanted on a sheriff’s apprehension warrant for failing to appear at court.
He knocked on the door of the house and it was eventually answered by the wanted person’s girlfriend, who informed Ian that she had not seen him for several weeks.
Ian showed her the warrant and asked if they could come inside to check the house for themselves.
The female hesitated for a moment, before reluctantly agreeing to their request.
Once inside, Ian and his partner began a room-by-room search.
Finally, they entered the lounge, where they noticed a glass dining table covered with a large tablecloth reaching the carpet and a Monopoly board set up on it.
The Monopoly money was lying in two piles at each side of the table, with the dice out and houses and hotels set up in Pall Mall and Mayfair, etc.
Ian then asked the girlfriend who she was playing the game with and she informed him that it had been a friend from the previous night and she hadn’t got around to clearing it away.
As he listened to her explanation, he noticed a slight movement of the tablecloth.
This prompted Ian to wander over to the table and pick up a game card from the Community Chest, which he read out loudly: ‘Go directly to jail! Do not pass go and definitely do not collect two hundred pounds!’
He then lifted up the tablecloth and smiled at the wanted person, who was curled up underneath the table.
Lack of Imagination
• • •
Some women are just hard to please.
Take my missus for example: last Christmas I gave her a microwave oven and a toaster.
This year, I got her a new hoover and an ironing board.
She hasn’t stopped complaining since.
It was her that asked for womanly things.
Ungrateful or what?
Always Check Under
the Helmet
• • •
While out on patrol one cold winter’s night, two police officers came across a young motorcyclist wearing a leather motorcycle outfit and full-face helmet, who had broken down and was in the process of pushing the bike along the deserted Fenwick Moor road, several miles from the outskirts of Glasgow.
They immediately pulled over to try and render some assistance and were informed by the young motorcyclist that the bike had just suddenly stopped.
One of the officers was mechanically minded and in a few moments had diagnosed the problem to be a frozen carburettor.
Simple enough to solve the problem if you have a kettle of hot water to pour over it; however, being several miles from the outskirts of Glasgow posed another problem.
Not to be dissuaded easily, his partner came up with another simple solution – pish!
He would urinate over the frozen carburettor and hopefully the heat from his urine would thaw it out enough to get the bike started and get our stranded young motorcyclist back on the road for home.
Without the slightest hesitation, down came his zip and he promptly produced his recommended ‘tool’ for thawing out frozen carburettors.
After the officer had performed this duty and done the needful, the young motorcyclist started up the bike and, thanking the officers for their much-appreciated intervention and subsequent assistance, roared off along the moor road.
Several days later, a letter was received at police head-quarters from the managing director of a well-known biscuit company, wishing to extend his sincere gratitude to the two police officers who stopped and rendered assistance to his stranded young daughter after she had broken down with her motorcycle while travelling across the Fenwick Moor road.
I suppose the officer should be grateful that mobile camera phones were not around at this time!
However, his partner did send off an enquiry on his behalf to have his unusual carburettor thawing tool specially patented!
Private Places
• • •
A young police probationer was out on patrol along with a colleague and stopped a motor car for a routine check.
While checking it over, the officers detected the strong smell of cannabis.
As a result, they removed the occupants from the vehicle while they conducted a thorough search of the car at the side of the road.
The result of the search proved negative, so they then began to search the two male occupants.
The young probationer, straight from Tulliallan Police College, volunteered to do the searching, having recently been shown how to go about it and aware of the places where drugs can easily be concealed.
He began his search at the bottom of the suspect’s trouser legs and worked his hands up the way.
Having reached the point of no return, the suspect male became more uncomfortable by the young cop’s probing hands.
Thinking that the suspect was deliberately pulling back from him, the young cop grabbed a hold of an obvious bulging package in the suspect’s trousers and said with great pleasure, ‘Gotcha! What’s this, then?’
To which the suspect replied with a tear in his eye, ‘That’s my bollocks, sir!’
F*** Off!
• • •
New medical syndromes are coming to light every day and society is making a conscious effort to understand those who are affected by them.
However, in one case that occurred several years ago a fifteen-year-old boy was detained for causing a disturbance, shouting and swearing in a shop.
The police were alerted and attended the location, and on speaking to the staff they were to learn that the youth continually verbally abused staff and customers.
‘Right, son! What’s your name?’ the officer asked him.
‘Scott— Fuck off!’ the boy blurted out.
‘What did you just say there?’ the cop asked.
The boy tried to answer again before becoming aggressive: ‘Scott … eh … eh … Fuck off!’
At this, the boy was taken out to the police car and off to the station, where his parents were eventually contacted after some colourful verbal abuse was spouted by the youth as the police attempted to obtain their details.
Eventually his mother arrived to collect her son, Scott Edwards, from the office and was informed of his outrageous behaviour.
To which the mother replied matter-of-factly, ‘Yes, I know, but he doesn’t mean to swear and shout. It’s part of his illness. He can’t control it.’
Thinking that the mother was attempting to make an excuse for her son’s blatant cursing in public, the cop asked with a sarcastic tone in his voice, ‘And what illness would that be then, that makes somebody curse and swear involuntarily?’
‘Tourette’s syndrome!’ the mother responded. ‘Why don’t you look it up and educate yourselves, so that you’ll know the next time?’
At that, she coughed and, while doing so, appeared to utter the word ‘bastards’ at the same time.
The officers for their part ignored her poorly disguised outburst and she was allowed to leave with her son, but not before he looked straight at both police officers and blurted out loudly, ‘Fuck off!’
However, Tourette’s syndrome would appear to be spreading around Glasgow rapidly, because whilst still a serving police officer, just about everybody I had dealings with would utter these same two words at me!
Including some of my shift supervisors.
(Oh, and the wife!)
Say Again
• • •