by Harry Morris
We headed back down the road the following day with a paltry £78 between six of us.
Who said you can’t make money in the music business?
Getting Auld
• • •
Three elderly retired officers meet up at the police convalescent home in Harrogate in Yorkshire.
After a great first night of reminiscing they all went off to their respective bedrooms.
Next morning at the breakfast table, they were discussing who had the worst health problems, when one of them said, ‘Well, I don’t know about you two, but every morning I have to get up for a pee and stand for twenty minutes trying to coax it out and when I eventually start pissing, it comes trickling out very slowly.’
The second old cop said, ‘That’s nothing. Every morning I have to go for a shit and end up sitting on the toilet pan for over an hour because of my constipation. It’s absolutely murder.’
The third old cop just looked at the both of them and said, ‘I wish I had your problems. See me? Every morning at 7 a.m., I pish like a horse and I shit for Britain … The only problem is, I don’t waken up until half past nine!’
Applause!
• • •
I arrived home recently on a flight from Spain and as the aeroplane touched down on the tarmac, several of the passengers began to applaud ecstatically.
Can I just say to those passengers on Ryanair Flight 7843,
It’s meant to do that! That’s why they have a pilot!
What next?
Should we applaud the bus driver for dropping us off at our stop? Or maybe just the fact that he arrived at the bus stop on time!
Historic Bus Rides
• • •
Whilst performing a book signing session near Inverness, I spotted a bus going to Culloden via Tesco.
I can just imagine the chieftains: ‘Right, lads, before we fight this lot, I’ve just got a couple of messages to get for the wife from Tesco.’
Balls Still Intact
• • •
A cop arrived home to find his wife and her best friend in a discussion about the vasectomy her friend’s husband had recently undergone.
‘Don’t tell me you’ve no’ put your name down to have it done! You’re a bloody disgrace for a man, Thomas Barr!’ the friend said.
Her opinion, for what it was worth, was that a man’s prized testicles were the equivalent of ‘baubles’ hanging from a Christmas tree – purely there for decoration purposes only!
Now, for someone like Thomas, who wouldn’t even consider the thought of dressing a slice of fresh fish, this was a big decision.
‘What do you think, kids?’ the friend asked his assembled children.
‘Hold it right there,’ Thomas intervened. ‘This is not up for debate. This is my private family jewels we’re talking about here, so I think any decision regarding them should be made by me, thank you very much!’
‘Do they just cut them off, Dad?’ enquired his son.
‘Don’t be silly,’ replied his older sister. ‘Pauline’s cat got neutered and it still has its balls.’
‘How do you know that?’ her father asked indignantly.
‘Pauline told me, and anyway, I saw them for myself,’ she replied.
‘I thought Pauline’s cat was a female cat,’ he said.
‘So did Pauline, until she took it along to the vet and he ended up neutering it. All the staff in the surgery were laughing at her for not knowing the difference,’ she added.
‘Well, if it hasn’t got any balls there, does that mean Dad won’t be able to kick it in the balls any more for peeing on his roses?’ asked her sister.
At this point Thomas interrupted them: ‘Right, I think that’s quite enough about Pauline’s cat and whether it’s a he, she or it, so the meeting’s over. As for my own personal belongings, I would just like to inform you all that I’ve grown attached to them and will be keeping them covered for the time being. And if at any time I ever decide to reconsider getting the chop, I can assure you all that you will most definitely not be consulted, or asked for your opinion, because pure and simply, they are both mine and I like them … decorations or not!’
He then stormed out of the room with his well-documented balls still intact.
For a little while longer, at least!
Bad Tempers
• • •
One night while out on road patrol, Eddie Oliver and his partner stopped a driver in his car for speeding.
The driver, who became quite irate at the thought of being stopped said, ‘You must be mistaken, officer. I wasn’t speeding!’
The wife, sitting in the front passenger seat said, ‘I knew it. You’re a fool and you’re always speeding!’
The driver turned around and shouted at her, ‘You just shut up, big mouth!’
Big Eddie was taken aback by the driver’s outburst, but informed him that he was being charged for failing to wear his seat belt.
The driver responded by saying, ‘That’s not true, officer, I was wearing my seat belt!’
Whereby the wife yelled, ‘I told you that. You never wear your seat belt!’
The driver turned around and threatened his wife, ‘See if you don’t shut up, I’m going to thump you!’
Not wanting the argument to escalate into violence, Eddie asked the wife, ‘Does he always talk to you like that, hen?’
To which the wife replied, ‘Not always. Just when he’s drunk.’
Order in the Court
• • •
True Stories from the Law Courts
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: ‘Doctor, before you performed your autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No, I did not.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Heartbeat?
WITNESS: No, I did not.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No, I did not.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Did you check for any breathing?
WITNESS: No, I did not.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began your autopsy?
WITNESS: Not at all.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: And how can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Nevertheless, Doctor, could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been still alive and practising law.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Thank you Doctor. I’ll take that as a yes!
Permission to Slap?
• • •
A former colleague and good friend of mine was Jimmy McNulty, who was a character in the police.
Small in stature, he was wiry, with a big heart.
He also had a wicked sense of humour, a great personality and a charismatic charm, with a voice that mesmerised, but most of all he possessed a desire and ability to be an excellent police officer.
I must confess to being impressed with his work ethic and his gritty persona – he would pursue an offender to the last, never allowing the bad guy to evade arrest and conviction.
This he would perform daily, whilst making regular attendances at various hospitals over several years of his police service for treatment to try and combat the spread of his incurable illness – cancer.
However, this condition did not deter Jimmy and with dogged determination he would lock on to a suspect like a terrier, latching on to their ankle and hanging on in there, refusing to let go, until he had collated and compiled the evidence required to seek justice and bring them to court.
I have many stories with regards to Jimmy, this is just one:
After another bout of sick leave, it was on Jimmy’s return to duty that his senior divisional officer, having received numerous complaints regarding a lack of police presence and action, decided to offer him the position of ‘village bobby’ for the area, a position now referred to as local community officer.
Always eager to accept a challeng
e, Jimmy swept into the area like the new sheriff had arrived in town, determined to answer the many complaints of illegal parking and unnecessary obstruction by inconsiderate, negligent motorists, and the unruly behaviour of the local youths.
His first step was to enter a popular, busy diner in the area and announce to all within that if any of them had a car parked illegally outside on the street to immediately go and remove it.
Several regulars ignored Jimmy’s warning and, as a result, Jimmy issued them all with parking tickets, which immediately stirred up a reaction with the locals in the diner.
Moving on, Jimmy then attended that evening at the local café, which attracted many of the young neds from the area, who tended to loiter about outside on the footpath and intimidate older members of the public by their very presence.
Gathering them all around him, Jimmy proceeded to warn them with regards to their future conduct and was about to move them on when one youth began to mouth off at him.
Jimmy stopped for a moment, asked the youth his name, and informed him to be quiet while he was issuing a warning to them.
However, the same youth continued to talk over him, so Jimmy issued another warning, but this time he added that he would slap him if he interrupted again while he attempted to make them aware of the rules.
But the outspoken youth ignored his warning and continued with his rude and unruly behaviour.
Suddenly, Jimmy raised his arm and swiftly slapped the youth across his face, just like he’d said he would.
The youth received such a fright by this action that he immediately fell to the ground.
All the other youths were astounded by this sudden and aggressive action by the ‘new’ polis.
Jimmy then looked down at him and said, ‘I warned you to keep quiet while I’m speaking.’
As for the youth on the receiving end of the slap, he looked up and replied, ‘Ya dirty big bastard, you’re getting done for that!’
To which Jimmy said, ‘Right, that’s it. You’re getting the jail for a breach of the peace.’
And he promptly arrested him and conveyed him to the police station, where he was detained.
A short time later, the doors of the police station opened and in came the mother of the apprehended youth, followed by all his friends, who had witnessed the ‘assault’ on him by Jimmy.
She immediately relayed her complaint to the station sergeant, with regards to Jimmy slapping her son, coupled with the fact that she was accompanied by several witnesses who were present at the time.
The sergeant was astounded and looked over at Jimmy and asked if this was true.
Jimmy confirmed that the action he had taken against the youth was exactly as told to him by the young boy’s mother and the witnesses.
The sergeant was totally shocked to hear Jimmy admit to blatantly raising his hand and slapping the youth in front of witnesses.
‘There ye go, sir! He has the audacity to stand there in front of you and admit that he slapped my son. What right has he got tae dae that?’ the mother said, before looking over at Jimmy and adding, ‘Well? What have you got tae say about that, then?’
The sergeant then looked at Jimmy, seeking a feasible explanation for his unpredictable actions.
Jimmy walked forward to the mother and said, ‘With all due respect, Mrs Scanlon, I was simply carrying out your very own instruction to me when you specifically gave me permission to slap your son should he ever mouth off at me again when I had an occasion to speak with him.’
‘Naw Ah did not!’ she replied adamantly.
‘Oh yes you did.’
Jimmy then reiterated an incident involving her, her son and Jimmy, whereby she had openly given Jimmy permission, when dealing with her son again, to give him a good slap should he show any disrespect towards him.
Therefore he was only carrying out her instructions.
‘That wisnae you Ah gave the permission tae! It wis a detective called McNulty that Ah said could slap him!’ she said.
At that, Jimmy removed his police hat and looked straight at Mrs Scanlon, before winking his eye and saying, ‘I’m just Constable McNulty now, but I specifically remembered your instruction to me that day, giving me your permission, and so I acted on your behalf.’
The sergeant heaved a huge sigh of relief, as Mrs Scanlon and her entourage of witnesses left the station, deflated, having reluctantly admitted to having sanctioned McNulty’s actions.
As a wee footnote to Jimmy’s character and his remarkable outlook on life with regards to his serious illness, I have to mention that when we worked together in the Crime Intelligence Office, we would often be out and about, whereby we occasionally spoke with some of our informants.
Jimmy would finish up by saying, ‘Well, there’s my card, if you hear of anything at all, give me a call.’
And as we made to walk away, he would stop and say, ‘Here, let me see that card a minute.’
Taking his pen out, he would write on it and say, ‘You better call his number, just in case I’m not here.’
Taking Your Turn
• • •
A call was received at the police station regarding a man in an apartment house, armed with a gun and threatening to shoot himself.
The armed response unit arrived with a negotiator and tried to reason with the man, but to no avail.
However, during all the talk that went on, the police officers in attendance did manage to gain entry to the apartment and now had visual contact with the armed man.
‘Don’t attempt to come any closer or I’ll shoot myself!’ he threatened, holding the gun to his temple.
The police continued to try and talk the man round and tried to convince him to put down the firearm, but he still ignored their pleas.
Time for a little reverse psychology, as the police negotiator, deciding that the man came across as of low intelligence and a blatant attention-seeker, said, ‘Well, go ahead then, hurry up!’ and began to joke and have a laugh with his fellow police officers.
Whereby the armed man responded, ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing about – you’re next!’
Better than BUPA
• • •
My long-term friend and colleague, Jimmy Clark, recently underwent some major surgery in hospital.
After being taken to the recovery ward and lying there in his hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, he mumbled, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
The nurse thought it was a strange question to be asked, but replied, ‘I’ll just check for you Mr Clark.’
The nurse then went to the bottom of his bed and, lifting up his hospital blanket and gown, she gently took hold of his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, and had a close look at them.
An observation we refer to as a ‘right good gander’!
She then replaced them in their original position and covered them up with the blanket.
‘No, Mr Clark. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they look perfectly fine.’
Jimmy then pulled his oxygen mask to one side, smiled at her and said in a slow but clear voice, ‘Thank you for that unexpected thrill, it was just wonderful, but I would ask you to listen again, very closely and carefully, while I repeat my question: Are – my – test – results – back?’
Now! You have to admit, there are times when the treatment you receive from the National Health Service is very hard to beat!
However, I suppose BUPA would argue that this was ‘private’ treatment of a different nature.
Public Warning
• • •
Beware of Pickpockets on the Subway
Drunk Is No Excuse
• • •
A police car signalled a driver to pull over because he was wandering all over the lanes of the motorway.
The police quickly formed the opinion that the driver has been drinking and, as a result, one of the officers said, ‘Sir, I require you to provide a breath test.’
&
nbsp; The driver looked at the breathalyser and said, ‘Can’t do it, ossifer, I’m asthmatic, and if I blow into that tube, I could take a bad asthma attack.’
‘All right,’ the officer said. ‘Then I require you to come to the police station and provide a blood sample.’
The driver shook his head and said, ‘Sorry, ossifer, but I can’t do that either, ‘cause I’m a haemophiliac. If I do that, I could bleed to death.’
‘Well, I’ll need a urine sample then,’ the officer said.
‘Can’t do that either, ossifer. You see, I’m a diabetic and would get really low in sugar.’
‘Well, I need you to get out of your car and walk along this white line,’ the officer said, getting annoyed by his constant excuses.
‘Can’t do that either, ossifer,’ he replied.
‘And why not now?’ the irate officer enquired.
‘I thought it was obvious, ossifer … ‘Cause I’m pished!’
Signing Sessions
• • •
Whilst performing a recent book signing session in a large bookstore, I was approached by a tall, smartly dressed, shaven-headed young man, who called me by my first name, to sign a book for him.
I immediately recognised his face, but was unable to put a name to it, so I referred to him as ‘big man’.
‘What would you like me to write?’ I asked, hoping to learn his name.
‘Just put “Best wishes” and sign it,’ he replied.
As I did so, he invited me to join him at a nearby pub for a friendly beer after I had finished with my signing session, which I readily agreed to.
A short time later, I entered the pub and, on seeing me, the big man waved me over to him.
As I stood sipping at my pint, I asked him what department was he working in now.