"I wish my parents left town as often as yours did. They always want us to do ‘family stuff’ on the weekends," said that same guy from my English class. "It's a drag."
I looked around at my classmates. Some were hooking up in the corners, others were outside smoking weed, and there were a few playing video games. This was what high school had to offer.
Several girls were at my disposal, but I wasn't in the mood. I picked up a cup, unlocked my father's liquor cabinet and poured in some vodka. A lot of vodka. The key dropped into my pocket and I headed outside.
"Livin’ the life!" A different guy yelled as I passed him by while exiting the kitchen. I grabbed the drink he was holding, held it up over his head and poured it over him. The cup fell to the floor and I continued walking.
"Nate, where you going?" said a soft female voice I knew, but didn't want to deal with.
I lifted my hand into the air and flipped off my house guests. I knew they didn't really care about me. And I didn't really give a shit about them. I unlocked my new car and took a seat, breathing in the fresh leather.
A couple more years and this would be over. All of it. Javier included.
Chapter 26
Day After Nathan's Birthday - The Past
(Izzy)
I stood outside and knocked quietly. Javier was supposed to be at my house over an hour ago. I knew Maribel was working, and after the past few weeks I didn't want him alone. I knocked again, this time harder, but still no response.
Pulling the phone from my pocket, I dialed their house number. I could hear it ringing, but no one picked up. The recording answered and I hung up, shoving the phone back in my pocket. I banged harder, this time calling out for him.
Nothing.
I moved away from the door and began to pace the hallway. The lights at the end flickered as the door next to Javier's apartment opened. A small boy in pajamas popped his head out and stared at me.
"Hey," I said. "Are you Gio?"
No reply.
"Have you seen Javier?"
The little boy shook his head twice from side to side, and then an older woman came out and yanked on his shirt.
"What the fuck are you doing outside, Gio? Get in here now," she said. Her head turned both ways, scanning the hall. When she saw me, she huffed and then slammed the door shut. I placed my hand on my chin and dragged my foot back and forth over the dingy welcome mat.
I knew he had to be home. He had nowhere else to be or go. Knocking once more, I removed any hesitation and proceeded with anger. On the fifth or sixth knock, I stopped mid-air, staring at the apartment number just to the left of the door. It was twisted and bowed away from the wall. Pushing it to the side, there was a strip of duct tape behind it. I pulled the tape away and stuck on the other end was a small gold key.
Bingo.
I paused before ripping the key off and inserting it into the lock. The metal grated against the gears as I pushed it in, turned left and clicked it open. The apartment was silent. Only the fridge hummed and the clock on the crooked bookshelf pinged, noting the seconds of time passing.
"Javier?" I spoke, my words trailing down the hallway. "Javier?" I said again, louder.
No response. I took ten steps toward the first door on my left.
"Javier?" I whispered.
I knocked three times, twisted the handle and pushed it open. Empty. Javier's keys, bag and shoes lay in a heap on the floor, next to a pile of books.
Backing up, I turned toward the other side of the apartment and approached the second door. No response. I applied pressure to the handle and turned it once, but it wouldn't budge. The locked metal triggered a reaction and I heard muffled sounds from the other side. I pulled on the handle harder. The noises grew louder and I heard garbled breathing and choking.
"Javier! Is that you? Let me in!" I yelled, pulling, banging and kicking against the door.
"Javier! What the hell is going on?" Jiggling the handle provided no escape for my fear. The door remained locked and the sounds continued. I scanned the apartment, looking for something, anything that I could use.
Without thinking, I began to ram my right upper shoulder and the right side of my body into the door to break through the lock.
The choking continued.
Two more slams against the door and the tiny bolt in the plaster yanked away. I stumbled forward as the force of my arrival dropped me onto the floor. My face smashed into the itchy polyester fibers of a baby blue bathroom rug, and my head cracked against the side of the bathtub.
Rolling over, I saw shoeless feet dangling in the air above me, frantically kicking just mere inches above the tiled floor.
The scent of mildew burned the fibers of my throat as I held in the last bite of available oxygen.
One.
After everything we had survived?
Two.
This can't be happening.
Three.
I won't let him kill you.
Those three seconds blazed through my body as I propelled myself into motion and reacted to the situation. Every time I stood up, I'd slip. The tile, the countertops, the bathtub—everything was covered with oil. I picked up the small rug on the floor and used it as a grip. Throwing it over the side wall of the tub, I placed one foot on it and kicked my body up off the floor. Grabbing the metal rod bolted into the walls, I forced all of my weight down onto it in an effort to break the connection.
I watched as Javier's hands grasped at the braided leather binding wrapped several times around his throat. He swung his legs out in an attempt to grab the sink or the edge of the bathtub. Blood had started pooling in his face as he tried to pull up on the binding and breathe. It wasn't working.
Abandoning the rod, I jumped up on the bathtub and grabbed Javier's hanging body, but he just pushed and fought with me. The more I tried to help him, the harder he fought, until he finally kicked me from my position. I slipped against the porcelain and my weight pulled down even harder on Javier's neck.
I let go and dropped to the floor, my head crashing into the tiled wall, but it wasn't soon enough. Javier let out a garbled scream of air as the binding pulled tight and ripped against his flesh. I watched as small beads of blood dribbled to the surface, the thin skin on his neck peeling open against the pressure.
My head spun from the impact, but I had to get him down.
Every attempt I made at standing resulted in me slipping back down into the shower. I reached out for the towel hanging against the wall and threw it on the floor. Kicking off my shoes, I grabbed the soap dish against the wall and pulled myself up.
"Damn it, Javier! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!!!" I screamed.
I stepped up onto the towel and placed my opposite foot back onto the soap dish, both hands gripping the shower rod. Pushing off the soap dish, I jumped up into the air and threw my body over the rod.
And then it happened.
The bolts disconnected from the wall, ripping the plaster out along with it, and we fell. The room was silent as the air knocked itself from me and I lay over Javier's still form. I choked on the air as it refilled my lungs, and then I scattered across the floor to lift him up.
Kneeling beside him, my hands worked manically at the double slipknot gouging into his neck.
He wasn't moving.
He wasn't breathing.
Pulling the leather binding apart, I lay Javier's body straight and tossed the shower rod out the door. I tilted his mouth open and began breathing. My hands banged against his chest as I paired two compressions with two breaths.
No. Please. No. Please. NO! PLEASE!
No response.
My breath was ragged and dissipating, but I kept trying and trying.
"You can't die! Not like this. Not with me here." I cocked my fist back and punched through the bathroom door. My knuckles sliced open against the cheap splintered wood and droplets of blood splashed against the gray linoleum floor.
I focused my fear once more onto Javier and continu
ed to administer CPR. Balling my hands into fists, I slammed them down onto his chest as tears crawled across my face. Blood and salt began to cover Javier's white cotton shirt.
Exhausted and spent, I gave Javier two more breaths before collapsing against the wall. And then I screamed out into the silence. It echoed off the walls, escaped through the hole in the door and fell out into the hallway.
I heard cops, sirens and doctors all conversing in my head—growing in strength with each passing second. I saw his mom walk through the front door to her son's body laying still in my hands. I watched our school hear the news and carry on with life blaming it all on Javier, never knowing there was another person standing right behind, pushing him.
And then his eyes flicked open once. I scrambled to his body and breathed in two more breaths as Javier's spit choked up into my mouth. His chest began to bounce as blood flowed down from his face and into his fingertips. I pulled him up and dragged his body against mine and we lay intertwined and breathless, but breathing.
My head fell back against the wall and my muscles relaxed. Grabbing Javier, I squeezed his body one last time.
"Why?" I cried out in a whisper. "Why?"
Javier grunted and wheezed as he tried to respond.
"I couldn't—" he continued, the words disjointed and quiet. "I couldn't ... take it," he spewed.
"But I was here. I was here!" I replied. "Did that mean nothing?"
"I ... didn't ... know," Javier replied.
"How could you let him win, Javi? How could you let him win?"
Chapter 27
Fall Dance
(Selah)
My dress was pretty and my hair was done, but my heart felt empty. Javier couldn't relive the details of that night, so he told Izzy to explain it all.
How he found him.
How he saved him.
How he almost didn't make it.
I didn't think it was possible to want the life I had over someone else's, but Javier proved me wrong. Death was never pretty. Expected, unexpected, accidental, disease. It all left sadness. Death on your own hands, though, was greater than sadness. To deny oneself the desire or need to be alive went against everything we were created to be. Everything I had been taught to seek. Everything worth anything.
I had moments of my own contemplation, but wanting something out of pain, frustration or loneliness was vastly different than devising a plan, putting it into motion and carrying it out.
I'd be lying if I said Izzy's story didn't change how I viewed Javier. I didn't pity him, but it put greater perspective on how he treated the people around him. His approach to life. His internalization. His lack of trust. He had spent a lot of time hurting.
Izzy and I sat on a bench outside our school gym. A slow ballad of music softened the emotional roller coaster going on inside my head. He had finished explaining everything to me about ten minutes ago. I just hadn't found a response worth voicing.
"So the shoes. His hanging of the shoes. That's a coping mechanism?" I didn't want to cry so I focused on the clinical—getting answers in order to better understand him.
Izzy leaned back against the bench and pulled his right leg up, placing his foot on top of his left. "Yes. It was a part of the sessions. One of his therapists told him to find an outlet for his anger."
"Anger?"
"Pain can morph into anger. He had a lot of built up anger from his mom's absence and Nathan's behavior."
I didn't view Javier as an angry person. But not all angry people walked around yelling and screaming.
"Does Nathan know?" I asked.
"About Javi's attempted suicide?"
"Yeah."
Izzy turned toward me. The night was heavy and the lights from inside illuminated the hard lines of his face. "No, he has no idea. Javi never told his mother or the school about that night when Nathan attacked him either. Pride or shame. I'm not exactly sure."
He dropped his leg and stretched them out, placing his hands behind his head, he continued, "His mom didn't start to understand that issues even existed between him and Nathan until she came home to a house full of medics and a dozen police officers outside."
I ran my hands over and down the soft satin fabric of my dress. The blue sparkled under the moon and I let a tear fall. My mascara dripped alongside my dress and a dark spot appeared. It would probably stain. In fact, I wanted it to.
Neither of us spoke for awhile. We sat in mutual silence and let our classmates carry on with the dancing, laughter and enjoyment. Izzy grabbed my hand and squeezed. I closed my eyes, refusing to release more tears.
"He likes you," Izzy said. The statement confused me. I told myself to push it away, keep it at a distance, but my lips smiled without permission.
"Don't tease me," I replied, poking him in the side.
"I'm not. I'm just telling you how it is."
"How what is?" Javier walked out from the shadows of the hallway and took a seat next to me. His face, paired with Izzy's words, shoved my heart under a spotlight. I thought he would know what I was thinking. What I was feeling. How all the moisture in my mouth dried up and began its journey to my hands and underarms. My breathing picked up as I caught his scent again—clean boy. Who knew soap and fresh laundry could be so enticing.
Izzy laughed at Javi. "I thought you didn't do dances?"
"Do you see me dancing or dressed in a tux?" replied Javier.
Izzy rubbed his chin and looked at me. "Checking in on me then?"
"Something like that." Javier looked over at me, his eyes on my dress and hair. "You look nice. Having fun?"
I swallowed. "The dance was very dance-like. Punch, balloons and a band. No blood or public humiliation yet, so things are looking on the up and up."
Javier raised his eyebrows and scratched his temple. "Blood?"
Izzy patted me on the knee and chuckled. "You can be so dramatic, Sey."
"I watch too many movies," I replied. "But I think it was still a valid concern."
Javier stood and walked away from the bench. His hands were in his pockets and he rotated his head from side to side. When he turned to us, he looked down at his feet.
"Did you tell her?" he asked.
"She knows," Izzy replied.
"And?"
"And what? She's still here. She didn't run away screaming."
Javier's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. He stood staring at Izzy for a while. Neither spoke or moved.
"Just ask her, man. She's not going to say no." Izzy walked toward him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Sey," he said, while still looking at Javi, "I'll be right back."
I fidgeted in my seat, pulling at the sides of my dress. Javier took a moment before walking back to the bench and sitting down. He sat about two feet away and then in four-inch increments slid closer and closer to me. I smiled.
"I'm okay, you know," he said.
"I know," I replied.
He turned toward me, but I couldn't look at him. The moon reflected off the side of my face and my knee bounced up and down. I felt exposed. His hand grabbed the tip of my chin and he raised my face to his. I kept my eyes downcast as I concentrated on not sweating and slowing down the speed of my heart.
Javier lifted his other hand and ran his thumb across my upper cheek—the delicate skin just below my eye.
"You were crying. For me?" he asked.
I closed my eyes and breathed through my nose. The rise and fall of my chest crashed like waves against jagged rocks.
"Can you blame me?" I replied.
"No, but I'd rather see you smile. The past is in the past."
I leaned into his touch, and he pulled me to his side. My head found the sweet spot and I nuzzled into his neck. He reached for my hand and brought it to his lap. Holding it with one, while tracing the inside of my wrist with the other.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" His voice was low and soft, the hot air from his mouth tickling the top of my head.
"Nothing."
"Want to spend
it with me?" he asked.
My cheeks turned red as they pulled up toward my eyes, the world’s largest smile taking residence on my face.
"What do you want to do?" I replied, knowing full well I'd clean toilets if it meant being with him.
"Something very normal and very teenager. Food and a movie?"
"You mean dinner and a movie."
"No, food and a movie. Dinner implies something more fancy."
"Well, I do need to eat."
Javier laughed. It was deep and honest. Izzy turned the corner, and I pulled away. He was still my date and being wrapped into Javier's side made me feel guilty. But Izzy said nothing.
"I'll pick you up tomorrow," said Javier. He reached out and gave Izzy his fist, who in turn gave him his.
"Later, buddy," said Izzy, and we both sat and watched as he walked away.
"We should get going. If I'm not home by midnight I turn into a pumpkin!" said Izzy as he offered me his hand and walked me back to my car.
"We don't have to go. The dance isn't over," I replied.
"No, but we should."
I drove Izzy home that night thankful for so many things and hopeful for others.
Chapter 28
Drive-Thru
(Javier)
I folded up the cardboard car Gio and I made months ago and threw the suspender straps onto my dresser. Would she have fun? Would she be willing? I didn't own a car, but I refused to take her out on a date where she had to drive. It felt wrong.
Gio began jumping on my bed, a grin plastered across his face.
"You sure this is a good idea, buddy? I know we had fun, but she's a girl. Girls are different," I said.
He threw his legs out into the air and landed on his butt. Moving to the edge of my bed, he got up and grabbed the suspenders. He turned me around and pulled open my back pocket, shoving the straps down into them.
"Okay. If you say so," I replied.
I pulled out his bed and grabbed his blankets and sheets from the closet. He followed me as I went to the kitchen and prepped him a plate of food from my mother. He stood near the dining table staring at me.
Seeds of Hate Page 15