by Rudy Simone
If your girl can understand quantum physics, but can’t find the car in the parking lot, are you both focusing on the latter too much? I call this nutty professor syndrome. To the uninitiated it can seem like we’re not very smart, yet most people on the spectrum are. In fact, according to experts I have interviewed, we have a higher IQ than the non-spectrum population. But we have challenges too, cognitive deficits. She might have perfect pitch, but not recognize someone she met last week. Maybe she can build a computer from scratch, but will go the wrong way at the corner every time. Do not let these things make you underestimate her intelligence. If your girl is on the spectrum, she probably has special skills, even if she herself doesn’t quite know what they are. While we are not all geniuses, sometimes even the most seemingly affected of us can have special gifts. I recently spoke at a conference and I remember one particular young person in the audience who seemed especially challenged. A little later, I saw him playing the grand piano in the lobby, filling the air with beautiful music.
The brain is a flexible organ, learning all the time, but you will never cure her—if you push her to be “normal” you will cause her and your relationship to burn up and out. However, you can help her with her executive function skills. Simply put, the term executive function describes “a set of cognitive abilities that control and regulate other abilities and behaviors” (Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders 2011). For example, she might start a large task like painting a room and be unable to stop for food or sleep until it is done. She may get so caught up in her special interest she forgets to groom and bathe. You are entitled to a partner that can hold up her end of the daily tasks of living, but rather than berate her when she forgets or makes a mistake, the two of you need to sit down and figure out what tools will help with these things, where to get them and how to implement and integrate them into your daily life. There are a plethora of things for assisting executive function, too many to list here, but they can include basic items like calendars, alarm clocks, maps, GPS, to-do lists, scheduled breaks, written instructions—you get the picture. On your days off or out together, if she doesn’t have a plan or preference, give three activities to pick from. I talk about cognitive/executive functioning tools in more detail in both Aspergirls (Simone 2010a) and Aspergers on the Job: Must-Have Advice (Simone 2010b) if you want to read more.
She may get burnout from things that you might not expect—from a dinner party, for example—and there will be days she is exhausted and yes, possibly a little depressed. Sometimes the constant challenges can get us down. And when we get down, we tend to cocoon a bit. I’m a fairly successful person, but I’m still an Aspie. There are days I still lie on the couch watching all three Lord of the Rings, still in my pajamas, unkempt hair, eating whatever crap there is in the fridge because I can’t face people enough to trawl the single block to the grocery store. There will be times she needs to hole up, rest, and recuperate from the business of life. She may not mind you being there, but then again, she might want privacy while this is happening. Do not take it personally. And please do not judge this need. She’ll be back to “normal” in a day or two.
If your girl needs more than a day or two to recover from an upset or social overload, she might be slipping into bad habits or depression. Talk about it. There’s always a reason for depression, and one should always look for it before waving the “chemical imbalance” flag. It might be a fixable problem in her life or in your relationship. It may be something as simple as a vitamin issue. I recently read that people on the autism spectrum are potassium deficient as well as having stomach issues (which solved a mystery for me, as every time I had a blood test I was told I was potassium deficient). She might be malnourished. My current partner introduced me to ayurvedic stomach supplements which changed my life. Taking a proactive role rather than a passive or berating one is always the way to go in a loving relationship.
It might be tempting to look at other women and see how capable and social they appear. Do not compare your Aspergirl to NT women! Maybe your coworker is a single mother who manages to put on the suit, the high heels and get little Sammy off to hockey and kung fu class every weekend, talks on the phone incessantly with girlfriends, and has coffee mornings with other moms. Someone like that does not have Asperger’s but may have her own issues to contend with. Nobody’s perfect.
Until very recently, I still heard people calling it a “disease.” It most certainly is not. It is merely a different way of being in the world, and wouldn’t be a condition at all, if everyone had it. Those of us on the spectrum realize that we are a minority and need our own “civil rights” movement to bring more awareness into the world. We can adapt, but we can’t sand all our square pegs to suit the round holes that the nonautistic majority has created.
If you have been together or even married for a long time, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you understand her or that you still don’t have a lot to learn about Asperger’s. If you had a rare car, you’d probably read the manual at least once, wouldn’t you? Obviously this is preaching to the choir because you’re reading this, but once you put it down, as the days go by, the info will fade. You might want to keep this manual on your bedside table just as you’d keep that car manual in your glove box, there when you need it.
Partner’s words
“It has taken me a while to get used to all the differences and the challenges, but it is so worth it. She is the love of my life, loyal, interesting, smart, and funny.”
4
No wire hangers…ever! Why she has control issues
We’ve talked about sensory issues. These are part of a larger area of control issues. Your Aspergian darling might take being a “control freak” to a fine art. This is pretty understandable once you realize that anxiety is the platform from which she operates. Control is her way of bringing safety and comfort to an unpredictable, unsafe, uncomfortable world. She is also very particular about what stimuli gets into her brain. Perhaps you have fights about what program to watch on the television, the correct way to fold the towels, the most efficient route to take. Maybe she will literally scream at times if she doesn’t get her way. Spoiled brat? No, she came that way, straight out of the box, no assembly required. She needs to know what to expect. Even a Christmas or birthday present she didn’t want or expect can make her hyperventilate, angry that you didn’t understand what she wanted and that you wasted your money and time needlessly.
“No wire hangers ever!” We all remember the famous line maniacally uttered by the crazed Joan Crawford (played with uber camp by Faye Dunaway) in Mommie Dearest. One could wonder if Ms. Crawford might have had Asperger’s. I had a similar fit the other day when the clean lines and organized shelves of my closet were decimated by my NT male partner, with hangers at all angles and all over the floor, causing my own decibel level to exceed legal limits. Your Aspergirl might have the same tendency. She likes neatness, or at least organized chaos. Messy lines can make it hard to find stuff, make her dizzy. She probably has difficulty knowing where her body “is” in space—where her limbs start and end and where they are relative to one another (this is called proprioception). So she may at times be the thing that goes bump in the night…and the day.
Sudden changes in either expectations or plan can, and usually do, cause a “software crash” in her head, which can result in meltdowns and confusion, and can exacerbate physical clumsiness and disorientation. One time I landed in an airport and was told to look for a white courtesy phone to call my hotel shuttle. I wandered the large area back and forth several times before finally asking someone where the courtesy phone was. He said “right there” and I turned and finally noticed the glaring sign and gigantic bank of five brown phones (I had taken the man at his word and couldn’t imagine them not being white). Afterwards, I was so rattled by the experience I fell up the down escalator. Ah, it’s fun to be an Aspergirl.
If she gets in a tailspin over small things, remind her to look at the big picture. Is her whole damn li
fe/house/career a mess, or is it just one moment/shelf/task that went a bit wrong? We can get a bit OCD (obsessive-compulsive), and that can impede life too. Everyone goes back in to check the stove now and then, but if she does it six times every time you go out, that should probably be addressed. The brain is a flexible organ, it grows, it learns, it makes new synaptic connections. Sometimes changing the behavior comes first, and then the brain follows suit. If the two of you can’t work this out together, a little CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can go a long way.
You can do your part too. If her preferences make sense, for example if she really likes the sponge squeezed out after doing dishes, or the shoes put away on the rack, and you know it will wind her up not to, try to incorporate these small things into your habits. It’s not costing you anything, or detracting from you, but adding to the peace and tranquility of your life together. If, after months or years together, you are still doing the little things that annoy her, you really have to ask yourself why.
Rituals and routines are part of this attempt at control and comfort; sometimes they are practical or rational, like coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon. Maybe they’re a bit bizarre, like hugging the same tree goodnight every evening. But whether they are garden variety, or mental safari, woe to those who try and stop her. She needs her rituals and routines (the Aspie’s version of R&R), and if they’re harmless, do your best to be supportive. However, if she doesn’t want to try anything new—new restaurants, new places, new activities—because that means negotiating a whole new set of circumstances, people, environment, flavors, etc. and it’s impeding her life or yours, that’s a different story. You can encourage her to try new things by going with her, or if it’s something you’ve already done, by providing as much info as possible beforehand, including pics and video. The thing is, once we try things we are as likely to like them as anyone. It is that first step that can be difficult because there will be too many variables we cannot predict. You don’t want to get in a rut, so if she refuses to join you, reserve the right to go it alone. If her aversion to new things, or her adherence to R&R is severe, and the two of you can’t deal with it on your own, again, CBT would be your best bet.
The need for control can also extend to our own bodies. Some of us might become anorexic as a way to control our changing bodies, or simply to regulate what food we are taking in. Especially when we are teenagers and our parents and school systems and peer pressure tell us what we should or shouldn’t do, this might be the one area where a young woman can exert some control. Bulimia means we can eat what we want, or what they force us to, but we don’t have to keep it. Eating disorders are dangerous things. Fortunately most women outgrow them in their twenties. This control over our bodies might also be the result of having no control over social situations and not fitting in. Since youth is much more about popularity and appearance than it should be, we might think that if we are skinny enough or pretty enough, we will be like other people and other people will like us. One of the wonderful advantages to having a partner is to have someone to bring us out of our shell, out of our habits and to point out when we are working against our own best interests. Don’t be afraid to tell her when she is doing just that. If she didn’t care what you had to say, she wouldn’t be with you.
Partner’s words
“Don’t change things too drastically all at once. If there’s a change in plan, be sure to verbalize it with her, if not write it down.”
5
Everyone’s a critic… but she’s better at it than you
I didn’t know that being critical was an Aspergirl trait, I thought it was my own special skill, until I heard Tony Attwood talk about females on the spectrum. He said that much more so than our male counterparts, we can be hyper-critical. I’m probably telling you something you already know! This is a manifestation of the Aspie trait of wanting to make things better, if not perfect. On the one hand, it’s a very positive trait—we don’t make such great accountants, inventors, artists, researchers, scientists, engineers, designers, programmers, and so on, because we are content with mediocrity or the status quo.
Unfortunately, your girl may also turn that sharp attention onto your relationship, and more specifically, onto you. It can be frightening when this happens. You might feel like simple Frodo from the Shire, lost in Mordor, trying to hide from the lidless eye of Sauron, as it mercilessly searches for stray hobbits, or habits, as the case may be. Once she finds one, she thinks she can banish it. But much to her horror, the next day you once again commit the same horrendous faux pas, of slurping your soup, or whatever else makes your Aspergirl burn. Argh!
I mentioned a trait in my first 22 Things book, about men on the spectrum: how it seems that they may withdraw (physically or emotionally) when they become displeased or disillusioned. I think we girls take it to the other extreme. We put on our deep-sea suits and dive in, yelling “I can fix this!” This might be part of what attracted you to her in the first place. On the one hand, you might think you are in need of improvement. On the other, here is a woman who likes perfection, and she chose YOU! If that isn’t a compliment I don’t know what is.
If she is taking the time to really look at you and think about you and help you in your personal evolution, you can embrace or reject her efforts. My partner initially balked at my attempts to help his business, but then I said, “Look, I listen to you when it comes to social stuff. When it comes to this, you should listen to me.” He got it then. I’m simply trying to help him, I just don’t always go about it in the most tactful way. That brings me to an important point—she must be able to listen to you in some matters.
Aspie bluntness is famous, or infamous, depending upon who you ask. Why do we do it? To be cruel? Absolutely not. We like to relay information and we like to do it honestly and without games or subtext. Do not assign malicious intent to her words. This will merely gum up the works and cause a fruitless fight. Listen to what she has to say without being sensitive. If she says your breath smells like a scratch-n-sniff episode of CSI, it probably does. Take measures to fix it and then calmly point out a better way of making that point in future. Have a discussion with her about this and lay some ground rules instead of defensively blowing up. Post them on the fridge if you need to. Recently I myself posted a reminder on the refrigerator: “Do NOT criticize his cooking, looks, dress, grammar, spelling, punctuation, or anything else!” because I was getting out of control and was constantly on his back, until I just about broke it.
What about praise? You don’t hear it enough? Contrary to what you might think, you must be doing really well. I mean, she expects perfection, so if you’re behaving “right,” why would she say anything? That is the desired norm in her mind. But if she is too quick to criticize and too slow to compliment or feels that her way of doing things is the only way, if, after a while, when, no matter what you do, there’s always another level to improve, you might begin to wonder when it is all going to end. It isn’t, at least, not without you putting the brakes on and making her aware. You have your own self-esteem to protect and the right to be yourself. You both should discuss putting limits on how much or how often she criticizes you.
Another thing to know? If you are wrong and she’s right, she will not pander to your ego and let you win. This is not her ego, it’s a drive for righteousness and truth that would make a boy scout leader proud. (She wouldn’t want you to patronize her and let her win, either.) This is not to say she’s always right. In fact, sometimes she’ll be wrong, and that might be hard for her to take. Undiagnosed females, especially those that refuse to believe they are on the spectrum, will be more stubborn, because they won’t understand what their challenges are, or that they even have any. An undiagnosed person will be more likely to say, “I’m perfect, the rest of the world’s nuts.”
Diagnosed or not, she herself might be sensitive to criticism. I know I am. This is because we are never quite certain if we are getting social things right, and this will be like tellin
g us we are on the wrong track. Know the “why?” And be as tactful to her as you’d like her to be to you.
I do know there are Aspergirls that have a “live and let live” approach with their partners. As Phil Shwarz of the Asperger’s Association of New England famously coined (and everyone has borrowed), “You’ve met one Aspie, you’ve met one Aspie.” And the same goes for us girls. Yours might be very uncritical, because that is what she wants and needs for herself.
Many of us become stay-at-home moms because we want to raise our child in our own way, but some of us are just hiding in our homes. Those talents she possesses might be better turned outward than onto her family all the time. Support her in her quest for work that utilizes this desire for perfection. Seeing what is “wrong” with a system and knowing how to fix it is an extremely valuable trait in an employee as well as a partner.
Partner’s words
“If you’ve dated mainly NT women in the past, you may have some habits that need to be unlearned. With NT women you have to think of a second layer underneath what they’re talking about and thinking, and do a little ‘dodge and weave.’ An AS woman is merely blunt and there’s less tact involved. Don’t look for the subtext or the game. It isn’t there.”