by Rudy Simone
Partner’s words
“I liked her because she was intelligent, hard-working, good with finances and not chuckle-headed like so many other women I’d met.”
12
Her name isn’t Mommy…no matter how much she loves her child
As I mentioned in the last chapter, while she probably won’t ever be content being known as “so-and-so’s girlfriend or wife,” even being “so-and-so’s mother” might be an insult to her intelligence. Why must we take the back seat to our loved ones? It seems to us that male partners and children get to keep their identity while ours is sublimated. Being someone’s mother is a loaded condition, a loaded statement. Don’t think so? Think about it. The moment you hear the word mother, you immediately have a whole universe of iconic images and connotations in your mind, from Carol in The Brady Bunch to Stan’s mom in South Park. But whatever or whomever you picture, there is probably a certain amount of nurturing involved, as well as images of home and hearth. Did we ask for this? No. We might picture ourselves more like mother lions than mother hens. Does this mean we are bad mothers? Absolutely not—we can be fiercely protective, creative, communicative, just not conventional. Egads! Who would want to be?
My daughter has never been known (except by way of initial introduction) as Rudy Simone’s daughter. I, on the other hand, have been incessantly called Lena’s mother, more times than I could possibly recount, by teachers, other parents, myself as a point of reference, and by my daughter herself. Don’t get me wrong. I love being her mother. She is a gorgeous human being in every way imaginable. But as an Aspergirl, I rail against assumptions of both gender and motherhood, and norms that I think are disrespectful and illogical, which, at their core, were created to keep good women down. Of course, it seems that millions of hockey moms disagree with me.
If you have children with your Aspergirl, you may have assumptions about how moms are supposed to behave, and the inherent “mom gene” we are supposed to have. Well, guess what? We might have as much of that as you yourself do. She might secretly find the screaming, pooping infant fairly “useless” in the beginning and won’t get excited about parenting until the baby is able to interact in a more interesting way. Even then, when the kids fall down and scrape their knee, you may have taken on the role of nurse, cleaning the cut, administering the band-aids, comfort, and cuddles. That would not be abnormal for the partner of an Aspergirl. Does this make her a bad mother? No. She might have taken on a more traditionally fatherly role, helping with homework, creating projects for kids to do on weekends.
When I interviewed Aspergirls for the book of the same name, I found that sensory issues can make baby-raising difficult, whether it is due to incessant crying and screaming, pooping and vomiting, or other issues, like taking over all the time we used to devote to our interests or just chilling out. And an Aspergirl will not mince words or sentimentalize the situation. Puke is puke and it ain’t cute. She probably needs a lot of downtime from tantrums, noises, kids’ television programs, friends coming over, fights between siblings—more than a non-spectrum mother would. But what we have in spades is an awareness of our children as individuals, as thinking, sentient beings, much more than ego-gratifying extensions of ourselves. And in the end, we will love them as much as you and as much as an NT mother, we just show it in our own way.
Your kids might come to her with social issues and she throws up her hands, at a loss for what to say because she knows they are more socially aware than she is, if they are NT. She might also talk to your children like they are a bit older than they are. I’ve noticed that we are not extremely age conscious. She probably never talks baby talk to your babies, although she is quite happy to get down on the floor and play with them. She might be disgusted by changing diapers, but is much more matter-of-fact when discussing sex and other real issues.
Your partner will also be super-aware of bullying and other issues, and emotional well-being will probably be something she monitors vigilantly, having been bullied and isolated herself. Yes, she may have embarrassed your kids or you once or twice; yes, she may have had meltdowns in a superstore while the kids looked on red-faced and helpless. I don’t excuse it, but it happens. I have had meltdowns in front of my daughter that I’m not proud of, but I’m on the autism spectrum and sometimes—less and less as I gather more and more tools and support—this happens. They spring up almost out of nowhere. Having an unusual mother makes for unusual kids, and by that I mean extraordinary kids. Kids with compassion, children who don’t necessarily have to go with the flow. Innovative thinkers.
She will be an unconventional mother, who will be very hands-on. She may even want to overlap her obsessions with her child’s interest, for example, I taught my daughter singing, which suited us both. One artist mother of an Aspergian boy said her son was obsessed with elevators and she with painting, so she took him with her to paint elevators! She might be hands-on to the point of home schooling, or wanting to spend more time at home, seeing that raising her kids is more important than keeping up with the Joneses. Other people may see that as lazy, old-fashioned. Let them. If she’s capable enough, and it’s the best option, why not? Others are happy being the breadwinner while Daddy is the stay-at-home parent.
She may need you to help with things like sleepovers, even kids coming over. Kids are messy and noisy, and young teens especially seem to listen to music which is about as appealing to an adult as fluffernutter. Younger kids are much more under our control. We pick out what they wear, what they eat, what they do, but as kids get older and we lose control it can get a little tougher. It is to be hoped that she will understand logically that this is how nature works—kids slowly distance themselves from their parents so that someday they can fly the nest. And don’t forget that the transition, once they do fly the nest, will be very difficult for her, as it means change in the household, the routine, and her kids may be the only friends she has besides you. She needs to be able to allow her kids to go off to pursue their lives without worrying about Mom.
Your role as father has to be respected too. While you may have taken on some roles or duties that a male stereotype may balk at, who cares? What matters is that you and your Aspergian partner are creating your own dance, and not working at cross-purposes with each other. You have to cast aside any fantasies about perfect mothers, or what you know from your own mom. If your mom was a great one, then what’s to stop you incorporating her traits into your own parenting skills, rather than trying to get your wife/partner to do it?
My father made my mother spend all her time learning to cook like his mom, who had, in turn, learned to cook like her husband’s mom. Yes, my mother made a mean pie crust, but frankly, I’d rather she spent more time talking to me about what I’d learned from the encyclopedia section I’d just read. And your kids might feel the same way, particularly if they too are on the spectrum.
I wrote in Aspergirls about finding an NT friend to give advice on things when needed, whether it has to do with the prom, or friendships, or any other area where your Aspergirl mother might flounder. Although this is particularly pertinent where single moms are concerned, it couldn’t hurt here either. But, if you have a mom, friend, sister, etc. who puts their two cents in on raising your kids, they’ll preferably know and understand what AS is, and must respect your partner, or you will have a mess on your hands.
Does having an Asperger partner mean you’ll have Aspie kids? Maybe. Autism is caused by genetic and environmental factors, this we know, although exactly what those factors are is unclear. Unlike some so-called autistic organizations that claim to “Speak” for us, most people on the spectrum would not change who they are, they just want more understanding. Never forget that autism often carries with it some narrow but deep interest(s), and special skills that can change the world. As Temple Grandin has famously said, “Take away my autism, you take away my genius.” So if you do have a child or two on the spectrum, you have an incredible opportunity on your hands to help those childre
n reach their own potential, level of self-acceptance, and personal satisfaction.
Partner’s words
“She’s very responsible as a mom, always looking out for her daughter’s best interest. She is authoritative, but there’s no manipulation in it—she doesn’t let her own feelings get involved in decision-making, other than being motivated by love.”
13
How to turn a hotbed into a hot bed
Your bed may be hot, or it may just be a hotbed, as sex involves communication, sensory, and gender role issues. It can be hard to let yourself go when there are so many things going on—smells, textures, sounds, feelings both physical and emotional. Your Aspergirl may be sexually voracious, she might detest it, or she might vacillate between the two. One thing I don’t hear too much of, is a blasé attitude towards the act. She’s probably a bit complex in bed to say the least.
For her, sensory issues might make sex something more akin to being strapped into a dentist’s chair, and being poked and prodded, inducing panic, fear, and dread, rather than pleasure. While for you, it might be a minefield of self-esteem bombs. As in everything else, there isn’t too much tact or game-playing involved. You might be in the throes of passion, when she suddenly tells you to get up and go wash because you smell funny. If she tells you it hurts when you touch her in a certain way or a certain place, believe it and try a different tack. If she’s very sensitive, certain areas like the clitoris or nipples might be a no-fly zone. Some girls are so sensitive on the surface, you can skip foreplay and get right to the nitty gritty. She might be less sensitive and need intense stimulation. Whatever the case, it can be deflating when you are trying to warm up and she’s giving directions like a traffic cop.
Black and white thinking might make her assume that all sex is the same, so if she’s had bad sex, with the wrong people, she might be loth to try again. She might be worried that she’s with the wrong partner. She may be unable to ask for what she wants, because she may freeze or shut down during the act. This brings up an important point, especially for younger women. She might not want to have sex, but be unable to say no because of that temporary shutdown, confusion, conformity to peer pressure. You need to have her verbal consent to have sex with her, especially if she’s prone to this sort of thing. I am an older, high-functioning, more experienced gal, and I can show my partner nonverbal consent, but when I was younger? No, absolutely not. This is why my first experience was statutory rape in the front seat of a car.
Extreme sensitivity might mean that she wants sex all the time…or never. I have heard from many young women that while their senses overload during sex, they’re not actually very sensitive “down there” and so at best, merely tolerate sex, and at worst, detest it. I’ve also talked to women who were that way with one man, but quite enjoyed sex with another, who “ticked all the right boxes.”
Your Aspergirl is as self-taught at sex as everything else, meaning, she didn’t have the circle of girlfriends to tell her what to expect, and she was probably too shy or clueless to try and find out. Early romantic relationships might have been all in her head, involving her and a fictitious character, pop star or actor, while in real life we gave it away to anyone who wanted us, because very few did. On the other hand, some girls I’ve spoken to, who are well into their twenties, cannot let themselves go enough even to try it once. We can also confuse sexual desire with love, and assume that because we make a man sexually satisfied, he’ll love us forever, and we can be quite shocked and confused when we never hear from him again. We can be very old-fashioned, conservative, and literal if all we know about marriage, sex, and courting is from a 19th-century novelist. For many years, I thought that sex was just two people lying next to each other naked. I was shocked when I found out, quite a bit later than my peers, that to be a female in the sex act meant you were a “receiver of swollen goods.” There needs to be more graphic information directed at young Aspergians to educate them on the science and biology of sex, as well as the potential pregnancies and diseases as well as the ethical side of it. Without getting religious, there is a moral side of it, e.g. not letting a married man seduce you. Shana Nichols’ book Girls Growing up on the Spectrum (2009) delves into AS girls and sex deeper than most, and Making Sense of Sex by Sarah Attwood (2008) is also excellent.
We can also be pragmatic and see sex as currency; young vulnerable girls on the spectrum could be tricked into formal prostitution or exchanging sex for food, money, or other commodities. I have heard stories of Aspergirls wanting to be paid, by their partners, for sex. This needs to be immediately discussed, and it needs to be made clear that is not an acceptable situation. It is just her connecting what seems to be at the time, logical dots. A bit of compassion, education, and hindsight and she will see the error of this.
She may have had a bad start in the world of sex, possibly masturbating at the wrong time or place, or she may have had little idea of how to go about dating, being unaware and inept at playing those gender-role games that NT boys and girls play, that dance that they do. She may have asked boys out and been ridiculed. She may have stalked or obsessed over one (or many) and gotten in trouble for it.
She may have been told sex was “bad” to keep her from doing it as a youngster and might be unable to break free from that easily. Sex might make her feel objectified, like a porn star, and conversely, she might appear to be using you as she goes about the business of her own orgasm, unaware of your needs in bed, physical and emotional. All of these things need to be handled with discussion and information. Sometimes just verbalizing our needs, explaining our fears and realizing that our partner “gets it,” is all that is needed.
There may also be an issue of her appearance—if you are a man you are a visual creature, and probably require some sort of visual stimulation to intrigue you. While she probably shines up as well as or better than most in your eyes, I think it’s safe to assume she’s not exactly Paris Hilton in the grooming department, nor would she want to be. You might have found her constantly messy, unprocessed hair, sweat pants and t-shirt cute in the beginning, but no more. She lacks theory of mind—she doesn’t need to see you in sexy lingerie, so why do you need to see her in it? By the same token, even though she may not have great self-image, she tends to take a more rational view in bed: “If a partner’s interested enough in me to sleep with me, then I don’t imagine that he’s secretly performing a detailed critique of my body during the act.” Try explaining that your needs are valid and you’d hate for something so small, such as a hairbrush or bit of lipstick to keep you from hitting the happy zone.
You might find that she loves sex because it is the one time and place that she really connects with another person. Emotional and social intimacy, which may have been lacking all her life, now is offered in the form of sexual intimacy, and can be quite addictive. This can cause an Aspergirl to misread another’s intentions, allow her to be misused. If you are her partner and she wants sex too much (believe it or not, this can happen), this might be the case. Take some of those opportunities to work on connecting emotionally and romantically instead.
She might love staring into your baby blues (or browns, or hazels) in bed or out, but don’t take it personally if she doesn’t, or think she has something to hide. Avoiding eye contact is a very common Aspie trait. Eyes contain too much information and eye contact can feel invasive, if not painful. And if she doesn’t want to be touched on a particular day or moment, don’t assume you’ve done something wrong, ask if she is feeling overloaded.
So, what is the key to unlocking the passion of the Aspergirl? Don’t push her sensory buttons (in a bad way) and do make her feel safe. If she’s on high alert, expecting to be scratched, chafed, bombarded with unpleasant sensations, she’ll be as excited to have sex with you as she would be to get a tooth filled. I think the risk here is that you, the partner, might assume that since she’s fairly fussy all the time, that it isn’t something you can do anything about, so you need not bother trying. This
is not something you can brush aside, for a good sexual relationship is crucial to a good romantic relationship in most cases.
Communicate—before, during and after. To be with an Aspie requires emotional honesty and integrity. She might pick up on whatever you’re feeling, even if you’re not aware of it yourself. Learn what you’re feeling, what you need, and how to talk about it honestly. She’ll appreciate that, much more than guessing. Soon sex will be something to be enjoyed, rather than avoided or endured.
Partner’s words
“When NTs are dating, sometimes we’re not really looking to emotionally connect, we’re just looking to get laid, but with a female Aspie there has to be an emotional connection otherwise it’s a scary situation for her. There needs to be as much communication as possible.”
“I’m an openly affectionate person, so my initial urge (no matter my current physical location) is to act upon that. With an Aspie girlfriend, I’ve curbed that considerably. As long as I communicate to my partner what I’m feeling at the time and ask, most importantly, if it’s okay to show my affection, all is understood and clear.”