The Long Distance Love Affair
Mary-Ellen McLean
Text copyright © 2012 Mary-Ellen McLean
All rights reserved.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The Awakening
Chapter 2: Swimming on a Tide of Rapture
Chapter 3: Sharing Experiences Apart
Chapter 4: Almost Drowning
Chapter 5: Longing & Languishing
Chapter 6: Wild Nights
Chapter 7: Too many ‘too’s’
Chapter 1:
The Awakening
“For I would rather owner be of thee one hour
Than all else ever.”
Dear James
What a thrill our meeting up was. When you called me last week to say you’d be in town and would I like to meet you for coffee I tried to play all calm and collected on the phone but inside I was delirious with joy.
And then for us to meet and for it to turn into a three hour passionate declaration of feelings and wished for possibilities – well I’m still walking on air at the thought of this happening.
I’ve harboured a secret passion for you for so long. Intellectually I was very aware of how ridiculous and pointless it all was given that we were both married, but emotionally I just couldn’t help it. When we worked at the same place I quietly watched you (drank you in with my eyes more like it) and as I grew to know more about you, the more I liked you as a person. That was an added bonus… I caught you watching me too from time to time and that unnerved me even more.
When I left the job (and the state and my husband) after a few years it was with much regret that I thought I would never see you again, even though we just saw ourselves as colleagues.
And now to meet you again and in such different circumstances and for you to seek me out while you were in Melbourne and tell me that you have wanted me for so long! I can’t believe that I’m not dreaming.....
What I would like to do just now is to stroke your cheek with the back of my hand and to cover your beautiful face with soft kisses.
I’d also love you to be just holding me in your arms.
Anna
Dear James
Thank you for the trouble you've taken to set this email system up and for your call last night.
Even though we are thousands of miles apart, you're unleashing deep well springs of feeling in me and it just pours out through my fingers into these emails.
Speaking of passion...you're on my mind last thing at night and first thing in the morning (and pretty well all the day too...). I try to read you out of my consciousness at night but you're very persistent. I hope I can bring you whatever it is you're looking for in me. I hope I will bring you some happiness. I want to give you the world. I want to kiss you from your eyelids to your toes. I want to hold your hand to my cheek and turn my face to softly kiss your palm. I'm overflowing with affection for you. I am deeply appreciative of your calls to me:
"For I had rather owner be
Of thee one hour, than all else ever."
Anna
Most desired one
I know you're won't be reading this for a while, but I like to talk to you anyway. I'm going to try really hard not to write again until you're back from overseas. So I'll just let myself go here to compensate.
I can't tell you how excited I am at the growing prospect of intimacy with you. I feel that:
"Now I can break my fast, dine, sup and sleep
Upon the very naked name of Love."
I think I have the potential to be your sexual match...certainly the willingness is there to keep trying until I am.
I hope I'll be able to take you to depths of tenderness and passion that you've never experienced before.
I hope you're getting to know me now and to expect some moments of insight, grand declarations, a tender thought or an agonized outpouring as par for the course from me. You (fortunately or otherwise) are the chosen vehicle of my desires and there are a lot of them...(my desires I mean.)
You evoke great sexual passion in me already. You have a way of saying 'mmmm' that just sends me into ecstasies. All you'll have to do is put your lips to my ear and say this....and I'll be a complete goner.
I appear to be focussing a lot on sex here. I hope you understand from my past correspondence with you that that is not all there is to me, but it appears to be dominating me just now. I need you to put me out of my misery....so I can get on with things... I'm in danger of being a victim of spontaneous combustion. I'm burning with desire for you.
I hope you have a relaxing break. I'm missing you already. I love the thoughtfulness of the phone calls you've made to me.
Your adoring Anna
My heart's delight
I'm feeling very passionately moved by your phone calls yesterday, especially by your expressed concern for me. I thank you for that so much. Try not to worry though. I understand the limitations perfectly (we live in different states, it will be difficult to get together and yes you are married) yet still want more than ever to pursue this 'thing' between us no matter where it may lead. If there are tears at the end of it then they'll be worth the journey that will have inevitably led there. I'm fully aware of the dangers yet still am willing to embark.
I'm feeling very beautiful today (may not look it but feeling it nonetheless). It's coming from an inner glow you've created in me. You enchant me and warm me and fill me. I feel so blessed (and honoured!) that you've come into my life. Physical union between us will be, for me, a union with my soul. It won't be just my body moving in unison with you but my whole being. If that happens for you too then what divine bliss is in store for us!
You have my heart in thrall!
I'm so looking forward to touching you and kissing your beautiful face and talking to you and exploring you and discovering you in more relaxed surroundings and time frames. I would wait forever for this opportunity.
But I hope it comes soon or there won't be any shower gel left....The only trouble with gel as opposed to soap, is that you can't pretend that it's slipped out of your hands to give you an opportunity to bend over and try to retrieve it (with much delay and difficulty of course....)
Your adoring and appreciative Anna
Heart's desire
Thank you for your lovely long message. I'm so glad that you have reassured me that periods of silence mean nothing. I do start to worry about this stuff especially after I've laid myself bare to you then feel embarrassed and ridiculous that I've done this when there's no response from you. I'm worried some times that I go too far or make you feel uncomfortable. But it's hard to know given the limited communication channels we're operating in. We're both in a difficult position here, not getting feedback and reassurance at the levels or the timeliness that we probably need to make things feel as if they're travelling OK.
I've always been concerned too that I don't intrude on you so I deliberately keep myself back. If things were different I'd be sending you flowers every day if I could in gratitude for the happiness you make me feel, and text messages to cheer you and to warm your heart and phone calls to let you know you 'fill my heart with gladness' and emails every night full of the affection I have in me for you.
But I try to keep a grip of myself and wait for a response from you before I launch off again on another passionate outpouring. I feel like Mt Vesuvius most of the time, rumbling away there, keeping the potential of an all consuming eruption at bay with these spasmodic and irregular outbursts.
I wish I could do things for you and be helpful to you in some way in your life. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and touch you tenderly as I gave it to you. I wish I could let you know how wonderful I think you are through a ling
ering glance and a warm smile. I wish I could just sit next to you with our bodies partners in happiness and familiarity, just brushing up against each other peacefully and contentedly.
Poor me. I'm crazy about you. What am I to do?
I will MISS you next week. I hope it all goes well for you. Travel safely. My spirit will be with you.
From you adoring, all desiring and still trembling Anna
My Adonis
Never the cold shoulder. How could you think that? Mine are very warm especially for you and are waiting for you to test this out for yourself. (As are other parts of me...warm...and waiting...)
I'm fascinated that you're an art lover. I don't have very sophisticated tastes here so you'll have to teach me. Not surprisingly I like the impressionists, especially Renoir and Turner...how did he manage to get off with painting essentially the same view in many of his works? I can't respond to modern art at all. I find it too intellectual and passionless. The Cubists and people like Kadinsky leave me cold. What about you? What do you like? And there are wonderful galleries here in Melbourne especially the Ian Potter Gallery at Federation Square which I'd love to walk through with you, and look into your face and smile at you.
I have been deliberately trying to hold myself back from contacting you too much in case you get the impression that I'm overly eager for you....(yes I'm laughing at this too). I wish I could speak to you every day and be held by you and have an outlet for the overwhelming passion, affection, warmth I have for you. And I wish I knew more about what/whether/if you are thinking of me.
Drop in again tomorrow. I will call on my muse overnight.
With many warm embracements/kisses to you my lovely one.
And a phone call would be good.
Anna
My Summer
I am possessed with thoughts of, and feelings for you this morning (writing on the train again). Despite it having been a cold, bleak, dark week of Melbourne winter weather, and despite work being its usual frustrating, overwhelming mayhem, I'm full of indescribably lovely feelings - because of you -. When I'm reading, I seem to come across things that make me think of you, or when I'm listening to music, or when I'm just walking in the street, you're always there in me, influencing my outlook and heightening my receptivity to the simplest experience, and making me notice and appreciate things that would normally not have had much effect on me.
What is it about you that has such an influence on me.... I don't know! But I think you're so lovely...you're thoughtful..... I really like your intelligence and I find you so sexy. There are times I can't believe I'm saying these things to you - I've wanted you for so long and you were just a dream to me. Now you're like a delicious unexplored package. The bits of you I am familiar with I just adore. I melt at the thought of doing the simplest, yet quietly intimate, things with you, like gently removing your glasses and stroking your face. I want to kiss you below your ears, and on the nape of your neck - the softest, warmest, most affection filled kiss you can imagine.
When we met in Melbourne I had a glimpse of your forearm - very briefly and fleetingly - and it caused all my nerve endings to suddenly connect and ignite throughout my entire body. I could have undressed you there and then! See what a state I'm in over you. How will I ever cope when 'all is revealed'?? (both at the time and later on???) I'm such a hopeless case when it comes to you - all reserve is banished; all dignity - GONE - You undo me so!
I wonder what you think and feel when you read all this...Forgive me for it, I just can't help myself.
Looking forward to your safe return and hearing your divine voice again...
"For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,
And, thou away, the very birds are mute."
Still warm...still waiting....
Anna
Heart’s desire
What a thrill to receive an email from you from Hanoi! Thank you for taking the trouble to respond. I’m so glad I sent you some messages even though I thought you wouldn’t be able to access them till you were back.
I’ve been missing you sorely since you’ve been away. Somehow it’s different when you’re out of the country and I feel the longingness more acutely than the normal longing I suffer when you’re here (even though when you’re here, you’re still miles away and not here!)
You know how, when ducks are born, they ‘imprint’ on whoever they first lay eyes on. Well… I think that’s happened to me with you. Yours is the face I seek in every face, yours are the eyes I search for. I find the shape of you face is so incredibly attractive. You have a truly lovely bone structure and jaw line. What I like most is the strength and masculinity of your face and when you smile – well – it just sets me aglow!
I am finding our closeness so moving.
It’s still really bleak down here with a cold wind that goes right through you and my dog ate the fingers off my gloves last night.
It’s funny to think of you feeling hot and sweaty when it’s so cold here. I’d like to see you in other circumstances that make you hot and sweaty….
And speaking of gloves:
“See how he leans his cheek upon his hand!
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!”
I’m full of adoration for you tonight my lovely one.
Anna
PS. Quack quack!
My Dear Chariot
As you said in your last email you want to be 'the vehicle for me to actualise my desires' so you are now my Chariot. As a Chariot, you have turned out to be a complete Rolls Royce!
It occurred to me this morning what a good sports coach I would make – not for my sporting prowess (far from it: I was always the kid at primary school who nobody wanted to pick for their team …) but because I’m really good at visualising things that I want to happen. ….. Yes, you guessed it… this is a lead in to visualising about YOU.
I was thinking this morning how I would love you to be standing naked with your back to me, so that I could gently place my hands on your shoulders, then slowly glide them down the length of your back in parallel, and as I was doing that, bend my knees as my hands descended so that I could kiss you at the base of your spine. I would also like to stroke the back of your thighs and kiss you behind your knees. Once I get to see these parts of you (if I ever do!) then these imaginings will be even more divine!
I have been thinking how wonderful it has been for me in my dealings with you to be able to use email in a way that has enabled so much expression, confession and reflection and sense of connection that no other medium could have provided.
I’d better let you go now so you can get into your backlog of emails…
There’s no poem today. I’m totally consumed with the basest of animal desire for you this morning. If you were here, by God I’d make you hot and sweaty despite the cold.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep visualising….
Anna
Dear Chariot
How very clever and charming of you to call me Chariette! What a pair we make!
When it comes to you I wish I had more than two hands. But then, being the imaginative creature I am, I think also about using other parts of me to fulfil my desire to physically interact with you. Every morning in the shower I wish you were there with me so that I could lovingly lather your back and then rub myself down you from your shoulders to your ankles holding on to your hips as I went. Not sure how this would be physically achieved, but I'd manage it somehow. The thought of you always fills me with delicious lascivious yearnings which I have to fight off or I'll go mad....I adore you so...
How will I ever concentrate now???
I'm glad you're back. You feel closer now. I hope you recover from your travel fatigue soon. I know of an excellent way of achieving a high state of peaceful relaxation which I would be glad to help you with if you were here... (I'm off again...)
"For nothing this wide universe I call
Save thou, 'my rose': in it thou art my all"
Chariette
Dear Chariot
Spring is in the air here at last...there are glimpses of blue skies and blossoms on the trees. Mind you, it seems to me that spring has been throbbing through my veins since we met in March. That was such a surprising and wondrous meeting for me. I still have visions of your face, can still hear your voice and picture the way you were sitting. I was just stunned that you appeared to be interested in me in ways that I thought I could only ever have dreamed of. And you know now what it is that I have been dreaming of...
A Long Distance Love Affair Page 1