I'm just back from hearing one of my favourite authors speak at the Town Hall. It was Alexander McCall Smith who writes about Botswana and Edinburgh having lived in both places. He came out in full kilt regalia which was lovely to see and he is such a witty entertaining man. His novels are beautiful gentle explorations of life and relationships. He was originally a Professor of Law at Edinburgh and has made the transition to serial novel writing. The hall was full to brimming and the audience was just entranced. For those who love reading it is a wonderful experience to be in the presence of someone for whom the telling of tales comes with such ease and humanity. It was a lovely night. I also walked there and back from home so I'm feeling good about that too.
Wish I was reading your stories...
Chariette
Dear Most Absent One
I am beginning to wonder what I must have done or said to upset thee. Whatever it might have been please forgive me and come back! I am missing you so much. My body is aching for your touch, my eyes for your beautiful face, my ears for your voice, my lips for your lips, my hands for well all of you really.
Please don't leave me abandoned for too long!!
Chariette
Dear Delicious Voice
Thank you for your much appreciated call. Glad to find out it was the busy shoulder and not the cold shoulder....was worried there for a bit - ! Oh how to stop wanting you has become the quandary of my life.....
A much relieved Chariette
Oh how I'd love your warm and tender lips all over me tonight.....
My Beautiful James
I don’t know how to start this email but I must. I can’t continue with this anymore. I can’t exist on the starvation diet of so little contact with you. It’s been so very hard this past year. You seem to have withdrawn significantly from me. So many emails never responded to….nothing from you for weeks and weeks and you don’t appear to ever want to call in on me. I need much more emotional and physical sustenance than you are able to give me. I realise what a very small tucked away compartment of your life I am – and it’s not enough for me. I yearn for someone for whom I can be the whole glorious wondrous reason for their existence – not something that can be called upon at (diminishing) times of mere convenience.
I can’t exist on the dream of ‘wouldn’t it be good if….’ I have come to realise that we will never share a coffee; I’ll never cook a meal for you (oh so lovingly); we’ll never see a film together; we’ll never enjoy a simple walk together; we’ll never have that weekend away together; you’ll never take me to Paris or Hanoi or anywhere really. And I’ve been putting my life on hold for so long for a dream that is mere puff and fancy.
I have a good heart, a kind soul, a warm and loving nature and need someone in my life who has the space to receive this and reciprocate it. I must give you up if I am to have any chance of opening myself up to the possibility of anyone else. I’ve got to go cold turkey. You are like a drug to me. I have truly been so besotted with you and I know it’s going to be impossible to find anyone who comes near to matching the passion you have engendered in me. But I must try before I become a decrepit old bat that no-one will be interested in.
I beg you to help me do this. I know this will be a blow to you, and I’m feeling terribly sorry for you as I know what a sterile emotional and physical desert you live in at home, but I have lived the past 6 years to fit entirely in with your needs and circumstances. I have to recognise mine now and try to do something about them.
I know you were so very honest with me right from the beginning and I have no reason to complain of these circumstances and I walked into everything very willingly and openly. And you brought me such great happiness and made me feel wonderful and you just have to think back on all the passion I poured into my communication with you to know how much you moved me (and continue to). But I’ve been feeling quite down for quite some time with your absence and the knowledge that this is probably how it’s going to be from now on is something I can’t bear. I don’t want to waste what’s left of my life feeling unhappy and pining so piteously for you. And I’m not asking you to do anything but let me go…
I’m sorry to have to write all of this to you, but we never meet and the brief time you can spare me on the phone make this the only avenue open to me.
You are my Prince, my Adonis, my beautiful darling boy - but you are also my downfall, and I must break free from your spell on me. It is going to be so very difficult for me to do this.
Please help me.
I am so very sorry
Anna
Beautiful Boy
God I know how heroin addicts must feel....it was wonderful to be with you for a few moments and I loved the walk with you and your dog...such a pity we've haven't done more of that.
I don't want to lose you from my life. You are a true friend and are deeply important to me. And I hope you will want me to be your confidante too.
My new Jamesless path in life will be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to face.
God help me in my resolve!
Anna
Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
Ae farewell, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.
Who shall say that Fortune grieves him,
While the star of hope she leaves him?
Me, no cheerful twinkle lights me;
Dark despair around benights me.
I'll ne'er blame my partial fancy,
Nothing can resist my (James):
For to see him was to love him;
Love but him, and love for ever.
Had we never loved so kindly;
Had we never loved so blindly'
Nor never met - nor never parted,
We would ne’er have been so broken-hearted.
Fare-thee-well, my first and fairest
Fare-thee-well, my best and dearest
Thine be every joy and treasure,
Peace, Enjoyment, Love and Pleasure!
Ae fond kiss, and then we sever
Ae farewell alas, for ever
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.....
Dear James
It was good to hear from you last night. I hope you got all your jobs done and managed a walk in the park. You definitely deserve a walk in the park. Fill in your timetable with some things that please you (instead of just everyone else) and stick to them!
I am still walking the dark path of separation from you. I may have slipped a little but I'm determined to push on as there is no other option for me. I'm not going to allow myself to see you any more as it makes it so hard for me. I've got to try to get over my passion for you or I'll never find anyone else I can let into my life who has the space to be a real partner to me. I really need this now. I want to be able to go out with someone and enjoy things together and share happy times of lovely open companionship. You have given me divine, wonderful moments but I need more than occasional moments. I hope that I will be able to find someone who can cherish me before I die and someone I can truly cherish too. I wish it was you but we both know that's not possible (and it's not what you want) so I have no choice but to continue with my resolve here. And the last thing you need is another demanding woman in your life!! But I have needs and your life situation means that you can't meet them.
Sorry to write all this stuff to you but this medium is all I have to communicate with you.
Please don't call in on me unannounced. It won't help me at all. It sets me off on the terrible torture of hoping you might come and then being dashed bleeding on the rocks with disappointment when you don't. I don't want to go through these terrible peaks and troughs of hopes and disappointments any more..... I'm really serious about this. My heart can't take it any more...
Anna
Dear Fit One
Glad to hear you are keeping yourself busy and bene
fiting your beautiful body at the same time. Ashamed to admit that I would very much like to be benefiting from your jumping out of your skin state.
And I'm being kept busy on the private front with hundreds and hundreds of new suitors!! Oh the choice!! None of them though can hold a candle to you. You've set a high bar. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop wanting you.
Anna
Was't not enough that thou did’st dart thy fires
Into our bloods, inflaming our desires,
And made'st us sigh and glow, and pant, and burn,
And then thy self into our flame did'st turn?
Was't not enough, that thou did’st hazard us
To paths in love so dark, so dangerous:
Have we not kept our guards, like spie on spie?
Had correspondence whilst the foe stood by?
Stol’n( more to sweeten them) our many blisses
Of meetings, conferences, embracements, kisses?
Yes you’re right
I think the poem probably does mean I still yearn for you. I shouldn't have sent it. But I came across it and it made me think of how lovely and exciting our times together were. I'll always cherish them, and, no doubt, continue to yearn for you even beyond the grave!
Anna
Dear Propositioner
Very interested but unfortunately, due to personal circumstances related to my wished for future prospects, am currently unable to take up your offer. I have no doubt (indeed I can testify) that I would be highly satisfied with the services you offer. The difficulty for me is that your undivided attention, due to your current circumstances, can only be momentarily confined to the night of the service, whereas I would wish to have it 24/7 x 352 x forever.
Hence the need to decline your most tempting offer.
Regretfully and sighfully still
Anna
You'll be thinking I'm trying to avoid you! (Well I guess I am!) Sorry to miss you though. I hope you had an enjoyable stay down there and glad it was a lovely sunny day which I find hard to conceive of in August in Melbourne!
Your call made me think of our meeting in Melbourne - that first time - when we met at the pub on the corner (and you kissed me on the lips and I thought - God!!!!) and then I took you over to Walter's Wine Bar on the Yarra and you swept me completely off my feet. Those were the days!! One of the loveliest memories I have is of our hands finding each other's across the table.(Feeling sad twinges just now......)
I hope all your meetings went well for you and that there are wonderful prospects arising from them.
I am well and happy. Keeping busy. Can pick out a tune on the banjo now without the dog leaving the room. Hoping to be able to transition from G chord to C before I die.
Would love to be sharing a glass of champagne down there with you.
Sigh and sigh again.
Your erstwhile lover Anna trying hard to transition to your close friend.
You wicked tempter you....
Opportunities lost? That was our major problem...the logistical difficulty of opportunities to be gained. And I suspect things are even more difficult now.
And I can't do with just a brief encounter with you and then months and months of nothing. You are too delightful, too satisfying, too beautiful, too delectable, too desirable. And I end up wanting you too much when I can't have you .....Oh it's all too cruel!!!
I am so torn. My body would love to delight in you but I know the cost to my soul would be terrible.
Your very Scottish Chariette
Handsomeness
I'm missing things about you too - your beautiful face, those cheekbones, that warm smile, those sexy eyes, your lovely hair, your beautiful firm flesh, your sexual prowess. Ah if only....
I would love to see you again sometime - if only to have a coffee! Do you think you could escape your domestic clutches?
Chariette
James dear one
Thank you for this lovely email. I really appreciate it. Message understood and filed away should my resolve crumble.....
We both should try very hard to behave. You are right we are not helping each other unless we do. This transition period is certainly difficult but it must be done. Our various needs, wants, life circumstances are not on the same trajectory unfortunately and I just can't return to the life of loneliness of 'the woman in waiting'.....gorgeous, sexy, desirable, attractive and every other wonderful adjective though you are. However the most important one is missing - and that is - available....
Wishing you were, knowing you can't be, I remain your good and loyal friend who had the best and most delicious love affair with you.
Anna
James Darling Boy
Thank you for your beautiful phone call this evening. I was really moved by it. I understand your situation completely and have done for a long time. It's just such a shame for both of us really - a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions! I am truly sorry you are suffering. I wish with all my heart it could be different, or that we had met under more propitious circumstances. Our timing was really bad eh?? I feel such a deep aching sadness that I can't fill your life with the love and adoration I have for you - sad for both of us because you so deserve to be loved and adored and pampered and delighted in.
Oh but I've loved the time we've had together. You're the one for me. And I'm the one for you, but our lives have to be travelled on different paths and we'll just have to cope with that. I just can't waste what's left of my life in a state of perpetual longing for someone I can't have and be with and share with and cherish. It's just too much to bear. The alternative path I've embarked on is not much of a better state to be in and I have really struggled with it, but I must continue with it. I'm hoping that the longing and sadness will ease at some stage (before I die!!)
But you are the love of my life. You are the standard no other can reach. You will always be a part of my soul and I suspect that I will never feel the depth of passion for anyone that I have felt for you.
You have ruined me (if that's any consolation to you!)
Your sad, loving, longing, wistful ruined one
Anna
Beautiful One
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. I feel so guilty....
Thank you so much for opening up to me. I'm here for you. Don't hesitate. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It makes you the whole man, with a deep and meaningful inner life. The great thinkers and philosophers of the world all talk about these feelings because really without them we are nothing.
If you were here I would hold you and kiss you.
What's happening to you now is to be expected given the pace you lived your life before and how packed to the brim it was with things to be done. The busy-ness of life and the adrenalin chemicals will take a while to get out of your system. I can't advise you strongly enough now to do some really deep thinking about what it is that would bring you the most happiness and satisfaction in this next stage of your life and really going for that. This flatness you feel now is telling you that things are not right for you and you need to discover what it is that will bring you a feeling of completeness and satisfaction. When you've been overseas have you thought 'if I had the time I would really like to....' Try to think of the times you've thought that thought and where you were and what you wanted and then make plans to actually do it. The important thing is to be courageous now in standing up for what would make you happy. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. It's your turn now.
Keep exercising your body - this helps. Keep talking to me. I'm on your side
Love Anna
Dear James Lovely One
Thank you for your calls. It's always so wonderful to hear your voice. Thank you too for your interest in my trip. How lovely it would be to really share it with you. I would delight in your company (and you would delight in mine). And then the nights of bliss and the mornings of sexual delight to start each new adventure each new day would bring us.
I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do
just now. I know how you feel. The years I spent wanting you and wanting you and not being able to be with you was torture really. I don't know what I can do to help you just now. But I am very sorry you are feeling like this. All I can say from my own experience is that action of some kind will make a difference. You do have choices in life you know! Choose to alter the circumstances that are making you unhappy - even if it's one small thing, it doesn't have to be a grand life changing gesture - and you will start to feel better.
A Long Distance Love Affair Page 19