by Adele Geras
I didn’t know how much time I’d have. Dee might easily get fed up and go looking for other entertainment, though they wouldn’t need much feeding after the baked potatoes and bonfire toffee apples we’d all been eating. I said,
‘Hi, Rowena, can I talk to you for a sec?’
She looked up, frowning. ‘Oh, God, Megan, don’t tell me you want to hand in your notice or anything—’
‘No, it’s nothing like that.’
‘Well, that’s a relief. What’s the problem?’
‘Do you need any help chopping up stuff for salad?’
‘It’s okay. I’m nearly done.’
Phyllis was away so we were having salad. Rowena wasn’t much of a cook but Phyllis usually left something in the pantry for us to warm up as well as a pudding in the fridge. Rowena had her back to me, which made it easier to say what I’d prepared.
‘I’m a bit worried about Eva,’ I began. Rowena whirled round with the knife still in her hand and frowned at me.
‘What do you mean? What’s the matter with her? I thought she looked fine this morning.’
I told Rowena what had happened after breakfast and also mentioned what Eva had told me. I went on, ‘So I wanted to ask you whether it was … you know. Definite. I mean, whether it would be possible – at all possible – to delay moving. To stay in Salix House for a bit longer. Take it off the market for a little while.’
‘No,’ Rowena said. ‘It wouldn’t.’ While I’d been speaking, she’d begun to look more and more angry. She pulled herself together and dropped the knife on the work surface and came to sit down in the chair opposite mine. Then she noticed that there were tomato seeds clinging to her hands and went to the sink to wash them. For a moment, water rushing down the plughole was the only sound in the room, then Rowena spoke.
‘Look, I know this sounds unfeeling and I know how persuasive my mother can be, but it’s not on. We’re moving to London. It’s all arranged. I’ve been looking into schools, we’re moving heaven and earth to find Ma a nice place—’
‘But she’s hated the ones she’s seen,’ I put in.
‘Nevertheless, we’ll find somewhere. Somewhere she’ll like, I’m sure we will. It’s just a matter of looking. And you’ll help, won’t you, Megan? She trusts you – you could make her look at everything more positively. But we are going. Luke Fielden tells me he’s on the point of making an offer which is a bit less than what I was looking for, but I might have some other people interested too, soon, I think … it’s all set up.’
‘But your mother’s so miserable! She covers it up a lot of the time because she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience, but she hates the idea. She wants to stay here.’
‘That’s exactly what she can’t do, I’m afraid.’
I tried again. ‘Why not, though? Why can’t you at least delay the move? The market might pick up … it’s dreadful now, isn’t it? You might get more money if you waited a bit. You say Luke’s offer isn’t enough. Even six months would be better than nothing. It’s just … well, she’s marvellous for her age and everything but she is old, isn’t she? I reckon that ought to be important. Her happiness.’
‘Oh, of course it’s important,’ Rowena said, sounding furious. She apologized at once. ‘God, I’m sorry, Megan. I don’t know why I’m yelling at you. Only it’s so … it’s so difficult. I know there’s truth in what you say and sometimes I feel as if I’m being wicked, making her move and upsetting her and everything, but we have to think of us. Of our children. And of me. I know it sounds selfish but it would be so much easier for all of us if we lived in London.’
I could feel her wavering so I said, ‘Except Eva. It wouldn’t be better for Eva.’
Rowena was twisting her hands together and staring at the table. Then she sighed.
‘I’ll talk to Conor, Megan, but I have to tell you, we’re determined. But I will talk to him again. Okay?’
‘Thanks, Rowena. I know I shouldn’t be asking you to, but I can’t help worrying about Eva.’
She looked at me then, almost as though she were seeing me properly for the first time.
‘That’s very commendable, Megan, but isn’t there something a bit … well, you’ll most likely be out of a job when we move to London. Are you sure you’re not wanting to delay the move for reasons of your own? Forgive me for asking this, but I do have to know how much your own interests are making you—’
I didn’t let her finish. I didn’t care at that moment whether she fired me on the spot or not. I lost it. I forgot all the boundaries of our relationship and yelled at her anyway.
‘How dare you say that? Take it back. I don’t care if you believe me or not but I wasn’t thinking about me, or this job or anything. I just thought it was worth putting Eva’s point of view again. Telling her daughter that she’s miserable, but I was dead wrong, wasn’t I?’
I suppose I would have gone on like this if Rowena hadn’t come round to my side of the table and taken me by the shoulders.
‘I’m sorry, Megan. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Eva’s not the only one with frayed nerves around here. Please forgive me.’
She sounded so imploring that I said, ‘Oh, God, Rowena, I’m the one that’s sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted like that, only I was hurt—’
‘I know, I know and you have every right to be hurt. Unforgiveable, what I said. Only you will forgive me, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will,’ I said. I added, ‘I’d better go and see what the girls are up to’, but I had no intention of doing that. I wanted a chance to be on my own a bit before supper, to calm down. Once a thing has been said, it’s out there. I left the room wondering whether there was even the tiniest part of Rowena’s remarks which might be true. It didn’t make any difference to the fact that I was worried about Eva.
*
I went to my room. When I first came to Salix House, I used to spend ages in there. I’d never in my life had such a beautiful bedroom and I enjoyed being in it, even now. Recently, though, I’d been much more aware of the mirror. Every time I came in, I approached it anxiously, trying to see as soon as I opened the door whether there was a shadow, a shape lurking in the glass. So far, I hadn’t caught sight of anything sinister, but I was nervous of my dressing table, which was, when I thought about it anywhere else in the house or outside the house, completely mad and ridiculous. Somehow, though, when I was here, with the door closed behind me, especially at night, the idea of seeing that face again seemed quite possible. I hadn’t covered anything up. I didn’t want to admit that I was scared of such a stupid thing, but I did avoid looking into the mirror and there were times when I could have sworn that there was something not quite right about the glass. It looked, in certain lights and from certain angles, as if it were liquid, or pliable. As if it could move and slide and reveal whatever might be hidden within it. Don’t be so daft, I told myself. Mirrors don’t slide and bend and reveal things. They’re solid. Hard. You can break them. They can shatter. I shivered. I didn’t even like thinking about the glass breaking. More than the seven years of bad luck, I feared that whatever might be trapped behind the surface would come out.
So whenever I came upstairs, I deliberately pushed away such thoughts and immediately went to my laptop and sat looking at the internet with my back to the dressing table. I liked catching up with what was going on in the real world, as I still thought of it. What did that mean? That this place was somehow unreal? I wasn’t sure exactly, but it was true that since I’d started working here, I’d had less and less contact with my friends, apart from Jay. I’d spoken to Felix on the phone a couple of times. I texted Tanya occasionally but only when she’d texted me first. Tonight, there was a message from Felix. I always dreaded hearing from anyone at the lipstick office, because of Simon’s name maybe cropping up, but there wasn’t that problem with Felix. He knew he had to avoid the subject.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
> Subject: Dear Megan …
I hope this finds you well, Megan. We all miss you in the office … well, I do. I wish you’d write from time to time to tell me what you’re doing. Nannying, even for the divine Eva Conway, is not your métier, not really. Do consider coming back to London but if you are determined not to, then at least keep me up to date with your news. Affectionately, Fx
Only Felix would use words like métier.
At least writing to Felix would stop me thinking nonsense thoughts about mirrors. I typed him a long message, telling him about the Nativity Play, the bonfire we’d just had and how much I was enjoying life. I even mentioned Tom, though I didn’t go into any details. Maybe if he thought I had some kind of boyfriend, he’d be happier about me vegetating in the country, as I was sure he’d put it. I ended up by saying:
‘I do intend to come back one of these days, Felix. I’m not always going to be a nanny. Don’t worry. Will be filing copy before you can say boo to a goose. Love, Megan.’ I closed my laptop and got up and wondered if that was true. The girls were in bed but it would be time for supper soon, and I’d have to go down and chat as though nothing had happened. No one was going to say anything even remotely real and honest. Just as I was about to leave my room, I heard the whooshing noise of a text arriving in my phone. I almost left it. It would be Tom. I went back to read it. Goodnight, dearest Megan. Can you come round again? Soon. I miss you. Tom x. I smiled and texted back, Yes. Soon. Mx. He did make me feel better about some things and I was glad about that.
*
‘Megan, can I have a word?’ Rowena caught me just as I was leaving the sitting room to go to bed. We’d had a perfectly normal evening, even though Eva was a bit quiet and Conor even more deliberately chatty than usual.
‘Sure,’ I said. She followed me out to the hall and we stood by the table. I could see from the way she looked, from the way she was standing, that I wasn’t going to like what she intended to say. I almost told her not to bother but she’d started so I listened.
‘I haven’t been able to speak to Conor yet about Ma and her situation, and he’s off to a conference first thing tomorrow. I’ll speak to him when he gets back on Saturday night. I hope you agree that I’m being fair. I mean, in one way, I don’t have to discuss it with him at all because I know what he’ll say: the same as me, I’m sure. But I did promise you. You’ll just have to be a bit patient. Okay?’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘That’s fine. I was just thinking of Eva, that’s all.’
‘I know, I know,’ Rowena smiled. ‘And it’s an enormous help having you to show her some of the flats. I’ll be taking her to one or two tomorrow, but all your driving and so on is much appreciated. And I’m sure Eva prefers going round flats with you than with me.’
I wanted to contradict her but I couldn’t. I thought it was true. Whenever we went out together, even if it was to look at horrible places to live, we always had some fun along the way.
‘I’m sure she will find somewhere nice in the end,’ I said, but I didn’t know if I believed that completely. One of these days, I promised myself, maybe when we’re in the car, driving to yet another flat, I’ll ask Eva why she and Rowena aren’t close. They’re always polite and pleasant to each other but Eva seems readier to talk to me than she does to her own daughter.
14
‘This is really kind of you,’ said Luke Fielden, smiling.
‘I’m very happy to show you the garden,’ she said. ‘Rowena works in London as you know, but even if she were here, I’m a much better guide to the outside of Salix House. I made the garden, and so I know everything there is to know about it.’
They walked round the property, starting from the house and going down the drive, past all the salix trees. ‘They’re not so impressive at this time of year,’ Eva said, ‘but they’re beautiful in the summer. The pale leaves look almost like small feathers.’ From the gate, they took a path across the lawns, round the side of the building and on to the terrace.
‘In the sun, it’s almost warm,’ she said. ‘But only if we keep moving, I think. Are you going to make an offer for the house, Mr Fielden?’
‘I think I am,’ said Luke. ‘It’s beautiful.’
Eva looked at him. He was much taller than she was, but had shortened his stride to accommodate her. He’d been interested, or seemed to be interested, in everything she’d shown him. His eyes were very unusual: amber-coloured, with very long, thick lashes. If I were a young woman, she thought, I’d find him attractive. She didn’t approve of matchmaking, but it occurred to her that Megan would do much better with this man than with Tom. What business is it of mine? she told herself. She seems happy now that she and Tom are seeing one another. It had been hard for her to hide what was going on. The girls cottoned on to the fact that she’d been out with him at the weekend and Dee had made up her mind that her teacher and Megan were practically on the verge of marriage. Luke interrupted her thoughts. He said, ‘The young woman who showed me round last time … Megan, is it?’
‘That’s right,’ said Eva. He knew her name perfectly well, she was sure of it. He went on, ‘Will she be coming with you to London when you go?’
‘Well, she’ll be coming to London, I’m sure, but not with us, I don’t think. She’s a journalist. She left her job at lipstick for personal reasons, but I’m sure she’d be only too happy to get back to that kind of work. Even though she’s very good with Dee and Bridie, and they love her.’
‘I know the editor of lipstick. Well, when I say “know”, I come across him here and there from time to time. Rarely, actually, but still. Simon Gradwell. It’s a small world.’
Eva looked up at him. ‘Don’t tell Megan you know him,’ she said. ‘It wouldn’t be a good idea.’
‘Right,’ said Luke. Eva was prepared to deflect any further questions but he began to ask her about the espaliered peach tree on the south wall and she was relieved not to have to explain.
The kitchen door opened just as they were passing it and Megan came out. ‘I saw you both through the window. Aren’t you freezing?’
‘I am, a bit,’ said Eva. ‘Maybe you can make us both a cup of tea?’
‘Sure. No problem,’ she said. They followed her into the warmth of the kitchen. As soon as I’ve drunk a bit of my tea, Eva thought, as they sat down at the table, I’m going to leave them on their own. This might, she realized, be exactly the kind of matchmaking she normally disapproved of, but on the other hand, what was the harm in it? If Megan was really keen on Tom, nothing would come of it. Anyway, she thought, just because I think he’s an attractive man, it doesn’t mean she will. She hoped fervently that he’d remember not to mention Simon Gradwell.
*
‘Are you offering for it?’ I asked Luke Fielden. Eva had made an excuse about going to her room and had left us to our tea.
‘Yes, I think so. I love it. And Eva’s shown me the bits of it I didn’t see properly last time. It must be spectacular in the spring and summer.’
‘She’ll find it very hard, moving,’ I said and then wished I hadn’t. What business was it of mine, after all? I was hardly going to tell him how I’d found her crying about it only a short while ago.
‘Well, I can understand that. It must be very difficult when you’ve lived in a place for so long and invested so much of yourself in it, too.’
I said nothing. He added, ‘You know, someone’s going to buy this house if I don’t. You mustn’t blame me for loving it and wanting to acquire it, you know.’ His voice was quite gentle and I wondered why I’d ever found him arrogant. But I hadn’t said a word, so how had he guessed at my feelings? I said, hastily, ‘No, no, of course I don’t. It’s just—’
‘You don’t have to explain. I think you’re very protective of Eva, aren’t you?’
‘I just … well, I’d like her to be happy, that’s all. She’s been very kind to me.’
‘I’m sure that she’ll find somewhere good,’ he said. I found it hard to stay angry with
him. It was ridiculous to blame him for Eva’s unhappiness. She seemed to like him. When I’d caught sight of them out of the kitchen window, she’d looked perfectly happy. He was smiling now and his stern face was quite transformed.
‘Would you like another slice of cake?’
‘No, thanks. I ought to go now. I’ve taken up far too much of your time already.’
‘That’s okay. I’ve got to go and fetch the girls from school soon but I’ve got a few minutes.’
‘No, no, I’m off.’ He stood up, so I did as well. ‘Shan’t hold you up. Thanks so much for this …’ He nodded towards the table. ‘Goodbye, Megan.’ We shook hands. Or at least, it started as a handshake but then my hand was enveloped and squeezed in both of his, and when he’d gone I sat down again. I didn’t have to go to school quite yet and I was trying to process how I felt. As though something had flipped over in my stomach. I tried to remember details of Luke’s face and found myself dwelling on his mouth. Stop it, I told myself. I tried to conjure up an image of Tom, of Tom leaning over me, kissing me, making love to me, but the only thing I could see was Luke’s eyes; how there seemed to be some kind of light behind them, shining through them. Thinking about them was unsettling me. I got up and walked quickly out of the house to my car.
*
‘Granny! You’re not concentrating. You have to type in the name that you want. In the space here.’ Dee pointed to the long rectangle at the top of the screen. Eva peered at the word Google, which had struck her at first as a silly, childish name but which she was gradually getting used to. She was at least getting the hang of the mouse and managed to type Rightmove without mishap and click on the correct little symbol … icon. That was the right word.
‘There!’ Eva smiled at Dee. They were in the study. Dee had the proper desk chair and Eva had pulled up a hard chair right next to it and was looking past her granddaughter at the screen of Conor’s old laptop, which she’d inherited when he bought an iPad. Dee liked being in charge of their computer sessions. She (sometimes with help from Bridie) was the teacher and Eva was the pupil and she loved telling Eva about the internet. Dee had first shown her the Rightmove site when Salix House went on the market and Eva liked looking round her own house on the virtual tour. It became a game with the girls: they’d guide the cursor from room to room and the screen would fill with images of her house, looking both familiar and strange: unusually empty, unusually quiet, strangely tidy and clean and somehow not like itself. Now, she needed Rightmove for reasons of her own. The letter that had arrived that morning was in the pocket of her cardigan and she patted it from time to time, to make sure it was still there. Later, when Dee went for her tea, she’d read it again to make sure she hadn’t made any mistake about its contents.