by Adele Geras
‘No chance?’
‘None whatsoever. I’m sorry. There it is.’
Eva stood up. ‘I must go. I can’t say I’m surprised.’
Should I tell her about having lunch with Luke Fielden? I decided not to. I just hugged her and said, ‘Thanks so much for coming round, Eva. I feel okay now.’
I watched her go down the stairs and went back into the flat. Did I really feel okay? I’d said so to Eva but was it true? Standing there in Tom’s messy sitting room it felt as though I might be. I tested myself by trying to think about Simon and the pain I felt wasn’t like a fresh knife wound any longer: more like a dull bruise somewhere, fading all the time. ‘Fuck you, Simon,’ I said aloud and it sounded good. ‘I don’t give a shit about you any longer. You’re history.’ That sounded so good and chat-show-like that I said it again. ‘You’re history.’ I smiled and went to find some carrier bags for my shopping expedition. Next thing you know, I told myself, you’ll be singing ‘I Will Survive’.
*
I felt as though I could breathe again. What I’d told Eva about Simon’s baby was true. Perhaps I could let myself off that particular hook. Getting over what I’d done to my own baby might take a while longer, but that was something that I’d lived with so long that it was part of who I was. At the moment, I was thinking about Tom. I’d have to explain to him why I was going back to Salix House so suddenly. I didn’t think he’d mind much. He’d probably be relieved. In any case, I picked up my handbag and went down to my car. For the next few hours, I was going to think about nothing but nice food. I’d Skype Dad in New Zealand tonight, and he’d be able to see that I was feeling better. I’d been feeling a bit guilty lately, having to make up stories for why I was looking, as he put it, ‘not quite the thing’. And I’d talk to Jay tonight, too. Late at night when there was time for a good natter. I had too much to tell her for one email. I wasn’t even going to think about Luke Fielden. I wanted to relish my new good mood, my pleasure at being able to go back to my job, and see Dee and Bridie again. I would email him later on and apologize for running out of the pub.
*
‘But why in God’s name didn’t you tell me?’ Rowena grabbed handfuls of her hair with both her hands. She was, Eva thought, literally tearing her hair out. Or almost. Certainly holding it and pulling it in a way that signalled desperation. ‘Didn’t you think it was going to be of interest to me to know that you’d found somewhere you like? And did I hear you properly? You’ve made an offer on it, after seeing it only once? And without consulting me? I do not believe it. Honestly, you’re not safe out on your own sometimes.’ Rowena’s phone began to ring and she picked it up from the table. ‘I’ve got to take this, I’m afraid,’ she said, walking out of the room. ‘But I’m coming straight back.’
And she did. Eva had hardly had time to think about what she was going to say before Rowena was sitting down and looking earnestly at her. ‘Okay, that’s dealt with,’ she said. ‘Ma?’
Eva took a deep breath and made sure she was smiling as she spoke, so that Rowena would see that she didn’t want any kind of fight. She said, ‘I made an offer as soon as I left Frobisher Court. I didn’t want to find that the flat had gone while I dithered. Nothing is set in stone. It’s an offer, that’s all. I’m perfectly safe on my own as you know. And please don’t be angry with me for not telling you. I wasn’t trying to hide anything, only that evening, when I came back there was that business with Megan and you were furious with me and I was upset. I wasn’t myself and I simply wasn’t thinking about the flat. I’m sorry. But I have got one piece of good news, anyway. Megan’s coming back. Later on tonight.’
‘Really? How did you manage that? Oh, I’m so relieved. And the girls will be too. What happened? ‘
‘I went and found her at Tom Shoreley’s flat and I apologized.’
‘Really? That’s amazing!’
Eva knew what she meant. According to Rowena, her mother took the well-known advice about never apologizing and never explaining to ridiculous extremes. She let it pass and said nothing. Rowena then started asking about the flat.
‘Where is Frobisher Court? I’ll need to come and see it.’
No, you won’t, Eva thought. It’s none of your business. Then she felt bad about giving room in her head to such unkind thoughts about Rowena, who, after all, only wanted to make sure that her mother wasn’t making a dreadful mistake.
‘It’s in Chalk Farm,’ she said, ‘near Lissa’s Costume Museum. The one I told you about.’
‘That’s miles away from where we’re going to be. You might have thought of that.’ Rowena sounded at the same time so petulant and so exasperated that Eva wished you could say: Take that tone out of your voice to someone over forty.
‘I did think of that and I decided that the problem wasn’t one we couldn’t get over. There is transport in London. Taxis, and free tubes and buses for me. I’ve said this before to you and you pooh-poohed it then but it’s true.’
‘I can’t discuss it now,’ Rowena said. ‘I’m going to see to the girls’ baths.’
‘They were thrilled that Megan was coming back,’ Eva said. ‘That’s surely something to be happy about.’
‘It is. I’m very happy about it. But I can still wish your flat was nearer to the house we’re buying. Never mind!’
*
My phone rang while I was in the supermarket. For a moment I considered letting it go to voicemail but then I worried that it might be Eva.
‘Hello?’
‘It’s Luke. Luke Fielden.’
‘Right! Right!’ God, what a stupid thing to say. And say twice, what’s more. I tried again. ‘It’s very nice to hear from you.’
‘I was worried about you. You seemed … you were very distressed when you left the pub and I wondered—’
‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I meant to phone you and say I was okay. I am okay. I mean, thanks so much for ringing and wondering.’ How, I asked myself, did he find my number? As though I’d asked the question aloud, he said, ‘I rang Eva and asked her for your number. I didn’t tell her why I wanted to phone you, of course, but she gave me your number. Hope that’s okay?’
Suddenly, I wanted to see him again. I wanted that much more than was reasonable. I said, ‘Fine! I’m glad you rang, really. I should have got in touch with you. Thank you for the lunch, by the way.
‘We’ll do it again when I get back. Or dinner perhaps. I’m in Germany, but I’ll be in touch when I return, okay?’
I nodded and then realized that he couldn’t see me. ‘Okay!’ I said. ‘That’d be lovely.’
‘Right! Goodbye, Megan. Take care.’
‘Bye,’ I said and the call was over. I stared at the phone. There was the number. I could ring him back. I could say: I can explain about running off. He hadn’t asked me why I’d done that. Was that kind of him, or did it mean he didn’t care? Never mind, he said he’d ring when he came back. I hadn’t asked when that was. I went around picking up what I needed for making supper and most of the time I was in a kind of dream, thinking about my chocolate brownies.
*
Conor came into the study and looked around.
‘Isn’t Rowena here, Eva?’ he said.
‘She’s just gone up to do the girls’ baths.’
He sank down into the sofa and pushed the hair back off his forehead. ‘What a bloody awful day!’ he said, and Eva tried not to smile. Really, this room was like a confessional chamber for moaners, she thought. What on earth could have happened to make the generally cheerful and phlegmatic Conor sound so upset? She said, ‘Is anything wrong, Conor? Anything you can tell me?’
‘You could say. Take a look at that.’ He stood up again and gave Eva a sheet of paper. ‘That came in today’s post. I need a huge gin and tonic. How I’m going to break it to Rowena I really don’t know.’
Eva stopped listening to him as she read. She hated legal letters and this was from Rowena and Conor’s solicitor. She read it and then read it again.
‘Does this mean what I think it means?’ she asked.
‘’Fraid so. The Fosters seem to be unable to get a mortgage so they’ve taken their house off the market and we can no longer buy it.’
‘Oh, God!’ Eva’s hands flew to her mouth. Rowena was going to be in despair. She closed her eyes. I don’t want to be here when she hears that news, Eva thought. Rowena and Conor were back where they’d started, as though the last two months hadn’t happened. How strangely things turn out. She, who used to be the only person in Salix House who didn’t want to sell it and move, was now both actively looking forward to leaving it and also in a position to do so. It’s funny, Eva thought. I don’t want to stay in Salix House any longer. I haven’t been content here for a long time.
The first few years of her marriage had been happy, or partially happy but after that, what was there? Nothing but a kind of desert filled with childcare which Eva hated, more and more distance between herself and Antoine and no contact with the world of her work. Time had passed and turned her from Eva Conway, dress designer, into a person whom no one really needed. Rowena’s daughters had been like lights in the general darkness of her landscape. She loved them and was happy to be living with them, but they were getting older now and more and more, they’d be off, gone to follow their own interests and she’d be nothing but a granny to visit from time to time. The days of Dee and Bridie jumping on to her bed in the early mornings were almost over.
Maybe she should have left as soon as she’d made the house over to Rowena and Conor. Perhaps it was only Angelika who’d been keeping her here. Eva had been so convinced of her own badness long ago that staying in the house while Angelika was still present was a way of demonstrating goodness; of proving that she wouldn’t leave her sister for a second time. Now that Angelika’s shadow was lifted, it was as though Salix House, too, had lost its hold over Eva. Was it possible that what bound her to the house wasn’t happiness but its opposite? She thought now: that’s the way I coped with it. The guilt from her childhood, her marriage with all its attendant frustrations and miseries and the horror of Rowena’s first few days of life had coalesced in her mind to form a network of interlocking memories and feelings which filled the whole of her horizon at Salix House and which she’d managed to convince herself meant that she loved the place and couldn’t leave it. Angelika’s ghost had now given her permission to leave.
*
‘But,’ said Tom, ‘I don’t believe in ghosts.’
I’d told him the whole story over dinner. He listened carefully, not interrupting except to exclaim at the tastiness of the chicken casserole I’d made. The brownies were waiting near the oven and I knew those were good because I’d had one almost as soon as they were ready.
‘I don’t either. Or I didn’t. But there was something odd about a couple of rooms in Salix House and I did see what I told you, in my mirror. I wasn’t making it up. At that point, Eva hadn’t said a word to me. How could I have just dreamed it up by myself?’
‘Dunno,’ Tom said. ‘I reckon you’re confusing stuff. Eva might have mentioned it and you’ve forgotten.’
‘Nah, I wouldn’t have forgotten anything like that. And I felt that coldness in the downstairs loo even before I started working there.’
‘So, have you got an explanation?’
‘I tuned in to what Eva was feeling. Her guilt.’
‘What on earth had Eva got to be guilty about?’
I was silent. I couldn’t tell Tom what Eva had confided in me.
‘I mean her sorrow. At the loss of her family in Germany, and her husband. I think she might feel a bit guilty about his death … I told you how I felt about Simon’s baby, didn’t I?’
He nodded. ‘So let me get this right: you felt guilty and so did she and you kind of picked up on her guilt.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Anyway …’ Tom said and I could tell from the way he said it, stretching out the syllables, that he wanted to change the subject. He was bored and I didn’t think I could really blame him for that. I understood as little as he did when it came to explaining the strange things I’d seen and felt at Salix House. Eva had said they’d gone: all the bad vibes that somehow we’d both been picking up on. I hadn’t felt it myself but I knew in my bones that she must be right. I said, ‘I’m sorry. We’ve been talking about me ever since you came home. How was school? How’s the play coming?’
‘It’s great!’ he beamed. ‘I’m very happy with it. Dee is really good and she clearly enjoys performing. And those wings! They’re amazing.’
‘Eva did everything herself, you know.’
‘I know. Megan?’
‘Yes?’
‘I’m sorry … about everything,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry we … that is, I am gutted that it didn’t work out between us. You know that.’
I nodded. ‘I don’t regret anything,’ I said. ‘I’ve loved the time I’ve spent with you. Don’t think I haven’t. It’s just …’
‘I know.’
‘I think you deserve proper love, that’s all.’
‘Let’s hope I find it then,’ he said. ‘And let’s stay friends, okay?’
‘Of course we will.’ We clinked glasses and drank and helped ourselves to a brownie each. ‘I’m not thinking of love at the moment.’
That was true. I could hardly count wanting to speak to Luke, wanting to see him again as anything serious. He might be in a relationship, for all I knew. He was concerned about me, and that was nice of him but it didn’t necessarily mean that he felt anything romantic. Don’t get your hopes up, Megan, I told myself. Don’t count chickens, or cross bridges or anything yet. But when I thought of him, remembered how it felt to have his hand cover mine, to have the light of his amazing eyes turned on me, goosebumps rose on my arms.
‘Okay,’ Tom said. ‘I’ll do the dishes. You made the meal and it was absolutely fantastic.’
‘I don’t know what I’d have done without you last night. You’re the kindest man I know. I mean that.’
‘Megan?’ Tom was standing at the sink and he turned round to look at me.
‘Yes?’
‘You want to get back to Salix House, don’t you?’
‘There’s no rush. I was going to dry up for you.’
‘No, that’s okay. You go now. I’m going to work when I’ve done the dishes.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow at school, won’t I?’
‘Sure. See you then. I bet you’re dying to see Eva and the girls.’
‘Well, I am rather. And I have to Skype my dad. Bye, then,’ I said and went to the hall to pick up the case Rowena had brought round.
‘Bye!’
I left the flat and as I went down the stairs, I couldn’t help but feel the lift in my spirits. I started the car and began to drive towards Salix House.
19
‘I should have done this years ago,’ Eva said, looking at Rowena across the small table in the Italian bistro they’d found. ‘I’ve never invited you to have lunch with me. It’s mad.’
‘Well,’ said Rowena. ‘Not that mad. We live in the same house. We have lunch together at home. It’s fun to have a day out, though.’
Eva nodded. It had been fun. And Rowena was wrong. Even though they did live together, they scarcely ever talked properly. Partly it was the normal busyness of the house that got in the way, but Eva knew that she sometimes avoided being on her own with her daughter and was glad if the girls or Conor were there too. But now Rowena had put her foot down and decided that she must see Frobisher Court as soon as possible. The way she put it was characteristic of her. ‘If I can’t see us settled yet, at least it will be a weight off my mind to know you’re okay. And maybe we can find another place nearer Chalk Farm.’
They’d taken a train to London. On the journey, Eva was nervous, wondering what objections Rowena would find, what she’d say about the flat, what persuasive powers she was going to use to make Eva change her mind. She was so relieved when Rowena decla
red Frobisher Court a treasure, that she immediately suggested lunch in the restaurant she’d noticed from the window of the taxi.
‘Are you very upset about losing the house?’ she asked when they’d discussed the merits of Eva’s flat in great detail. ‘I’m sure you’ll find another. One that’s meant for you.’
‘I thought this one was meant for us but there you go.’ Rowena smiled ruefully and took Eva’s chocolate from the side of her coffee cup. ‘You don’t want this, do you?’
Eva shook her head. ‘There’s something I want to say to you, Rowena.’
‘Oh God, what have I done now?’
‘Nothing. It’s not you. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s simply that,’ She paused and took a deep breath. ‘I think we ought to order another coffee each. This is likely to take some time.’
‘You’re very pale, Ma. Are you okay? I’ll get the coffees.’ Rowena nodded her head in the direction of a passing waiter and ordered. Then she turned to Eva, who sighed and sat up a little straighter.
‘I should have spoken about this to you years and years ago. I would have felt better about many things if I’d done so, but I didn’t, and now, more than seventy years after it happened, I have to tell you the truth about how I came to England. You have to hear the whole truth.’
‘Okay,’ Rowena said. She looked completely mystified. ‘I’m ready. Go on.’
‘I had a sister,’ Eva began. ‘Her name was Angelika. She was four years older than me.’
*
‘Granny, can I have some more glitter? On my hair?’ Dee was sitting at a mirror in the room that had been put aside to be the girls’ dressing-room. It was a classroom that had been transformed by the introduction of a long mirror turned on its side and propped up on a line of desks. There weren’t any bulbs studding the glass but in every other way the place had become a junior version of the backstage space at many fashion shows Eva had supervised. The smell of powder and hairspray was heavy in the air; there were costumes hanging up on rails, and more magnificent than Mary and Joseph’s robes, outshining even the glittery outfits of the three Kings, Dee’s wings hung on a special padded hanger which Eva herself had brought in.