by Sarina Bowen
Twenty-Seven
When I opened my eyes in the morning, I was disoriented. The new king-sized bed felt different under my body. And the sunlight on the slanted ceiling above me was unfamiliar. A dull pain thumped in my head, and my mouth tasted of whiskey and sadness.
I turned my head, and was comforted by the sight of a sleeping Josh. His eyes lay peacefully closed, and his tousled hair fanned out over his ear.
He hadn’t gotten up to do the milking. My achy brain worried over this for a moment, until I realized it was Saturday, the day that Daniel milked by himself. Several months ago he’d told Josh to sleep in on the weekends. Those were the same days that I could sleep in, too. Looking back on this, it was clear to me now that Daniel had arranged this on purpose—given us two days a week to wake up slowly together.
Another gift from Daniel, and I hadn’t even realized it.
Looking over at Josh again, my heart gave a squeeze. It was a privilege to wake up beside him. And yesterday I’d somehow told him that it was something I could do without.
Not only was I an ungrateful asshole, I was an idiot, too.
As much as I wanted to hold Josh right now, I didn’t know where we stood. And the poor guy was sleeping. So, to escape the temptation, I slipped out of bed. On the main level, I took a long shower, cleansing myself of sweat and whiskey and yesterday’s mistakes. Then, wrapped in a towel, I made myself a piece of buttered toast and then ate it standing at the sink. I put the coffee on, too, but left it to drip. In our bathroom, I drank two tall glasses of water and brushed my teeth aggressively.
It was almost ten o’clock now, and I was lonely for Josh. So I went back up to the loft and dropped my towel, lying down again in the bed.
Josh was just as I’d left him, the sheets half-way down his back, exposing the honey-colored skin of his shoulders. If I went any longer without touching him, I would die.
Scooting toward him, I palmed his lower back. My hand met warm skin and firm muscle. He was beautiful and alive, and I don’t know how I thought, even for a few hours, that I could give him up.
Sleepy eyes flickered open, and he studied me from under the fringe of his soft hair.
“Good morning,” I whispered. He didn’t say anything, but neither did he turn away. So I scooted closer, then reached for him, pulling his upper body onto my chest.
With a sigh, Josh settled into me, throwing one knee over mine, burying his face in my neck. We just lay there quietly, while I wondered how things would go between us now. I put my arms around him, my palms flat on his lower back. The more of him that I could hold and touch at once, the less awful I’d feel.
I ran my hands up his back slowly, pressing firmly on all the muscle I felt there. And then I ran them down again, my fingertips digging in just the way he liked.
I didn’t get a moan or an appreciative wiggle, though. Josh was silent.
Sticking my nose in his hair, I inhaled. The clean scent of him was almost enough to make me feel better. I palmed the back of his neck and held him close. Then I let my hands dance all the way down his back, onto his waist. With strong fingers, I massaged the muscles of his lower back. Then I slid my hands down into his boxers, rubbing gentle circles into his ass. Just touching him. Loving him.
If he shifted against me, I would find a way. If he pushed closer, or spread himself for me, I would know that it was okay to ask for more. But that didn’t happen. He remained still, his sadness rising like mist around us.
“I love you,” I whispered, even though it was too little too late. “I’m sorry I freaked out yesterday. It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t right.”
Josh let out a slow sigh against me. But if I wasn’t mistaken, he melted into my chest just a little bit.
“You feel so good, baby,” I whispered. “Let me love you.”
He didn’t say yes. But he also didn’t say no.
By now, I was feeling all kinds of arousal. My cock was hard, and laying against my belly. And everywhere we were connected, my skin was on fire.
I would never stop wanting Josh. No matter how big an idiot I was, he would always have this effect on me. Always.
Taking his hand, the one that he’d flung over my chest, I kissed his knuckles. Then I put that hand on my belly, where my hair thickened as it approached my groin. It was a place that I knew he loved to touch me.
Sure enough, his fingers sifted through that fine hair. As I stroked the skin over his taut ass, I felt his breath hitch.
I turned my head and spoke right into his ear. “I’m so hard for you right now. That’s never going to change. Whether I’m stupid or smart, and whether you still love me anymore, or not. I never could help loving you. It’s just the way that I’m wired.”
Josh became very, very still. I could feel him resisting the pull of me, and I didn’t really blame him. It couldn’t be easy to just roll over and let the man who broke your heart yesterday fuck you.
I thought about this for a second. But only for a second. Because I knew what I needed to do.
Hiking up a knee on the bed, I spread myself a little bit. Then I took Josh’s hand off my belly, and I draped it across my balls, until his fingertips hung down between my legs. “Josh,” I whispered. “Will you fuck me?”
First, he made a small noise of surprise. Then he turned his head away from me, as if to think. But his hand, with those beautiful long fingers, reached down, skimming my taint.
Damn, that felt good. “Yeah,” I encouraged him. “I want you right there. Do this for me.”
With a sigh, he raised himself up on an elbow, finally looking me in the eye. “Why?” he whispered. “Why now? You never asked for that before.”
I pulled his head down, right on my chest. “Sometimes I fantasize about getting fucked by you. But I never told you. It’s because I always needed to maintain this illusion that I could be in charge of everything. Like, if I let go of the reins for a second, everything would fall apart.”
For this explanation, I received a very gentle kiss to my left nipple. It was the first kiss I’d gotten from Josh for forty-eight hours. So that was something.
“I get it now. I can’t always be in charge,” I continued. “There is so much out of my control. And I hate that. But I need to get over myself.”
Josh kissed my chest again. “You think if I fuck you, you can get over yourself?”
My stomach contracted with a huff of laughter. “I like you sassy,” I chuckled. “Seriously.”
He sighed. “You didn’t answer the question.”
“It’s a start. Besides, you always make it look like fun. I love taking you. But I would like to try being taken.”
Again with the thoughtful silence. “I always assumed you wouldn’t want to… submit to me.”
Submit. It wasn’t a bad word for what I wanted to do. “It’s true that I have trouble giving up control. But it isn’t about equality.”
Josh grunted. “You don’t think of me as your equal.”
“That is not true,” I said immediately. “And I hate that you think so. At the Compound, I got the good jobs and the driver’s license. But none of it made me feel superior, because I could see how shallow it all was. But that shit followed us here, too. I’m the one with the job, and with friends that don’t live here on this twenty acre lot. But you can have all that, too. You’re almost there. It’ll only take a little longer.” I pushed my fingers into his beautiful hair and rubbed his head. “What we do in bed isn’t related to any of that crap in our past. I just hope you know that.”
“Sometimes I hate being the one who stays at home and waits for you. And some days I think it’s the best scam ever.”
I ruffled his hair. “How do you feel about always being the bottom?”
“Mmm,” he said. “I get all boned up just thinking about it. But fucking you would be really hot. Mostly because I want you to know how it feels.”
I was pretty boned up myself at that point. “How does it feel?” I dropped a hand to my hard dick and squeez
ed. “Does it hurt?”
Josh shook his head against my chest. “Only that first time, when we didn’t know what we were doing.”
“You didn’t know,” I corrected him. “I’d searched it six ways ’til Sunday already. Apparently I gave Daniel’s computer a gay hard-on.”
Josh smiled against my ribcage. “Fine. If you go too fast before you’re opened up, it’s going to burn. And there’s always this moment at the beginning when it just feels awkward. But if you get through that, and there’s a nice, thick dick hitting your spot over and over again…” He shifted his body against mine, and I could sense his arousal. “…There’s nothing like it. And when you finally come, it’s spectacular.”
I let out a hot breath. “Please fuck me, Josh. Please?”
He moaned, and I loved the sound. “Right now?”
“You got a bus to catch?”
I’d meant it as a light joke, of course. But as soon as I said those words, I felt last night’s troubles creep back in under the door.
Josh pulled himself up into a crouch, looking down at me on the pillow. “If you ever try to tell me again that marrying a woman is going to solve anyone’s problems, I will catch a bus.”
Jesus. That was the last thing I wanted. Reaching up, I tugged his face down near mine. “I know. I’m sorry. Temporary insanity.”
He quirked an eyebrow.
“That’s what my drunk friends told me to say.”
He smiled all of a sudden. “Do I get to meet them sometime? When you’re not all wasted?”
I craned my neck and kissed him. “Absolutely. Now get down here and loosen me up. Make me a member of the club, already.”
“Jeez,” his cheeks pinked up. “Roll over.” He scrambled to the side of the bed to get the lube that he must have put in there when we moved in. We’d spent two nights in this bed already, with no action.
Nice, Caleb. Way to ruin everything.
“Ass in the air,” Josh ordered. His voice was bossier than I’d ever heard it. I knew he was still mad at me, which gave this morning’s decision to bottom some interesting timing. That was the point, though. Josh would never hurt me, no matter how mad he was. I knew I couldn’t take back the awful thing I’d done yesterday. This was the only way I could think of to hand myself over to him in a way that felt real.
Leaving my forehead on the bed, I lifted my naked ass in the air, as he’d asked me to. It wasn’t the sexiest position, either. “I feel so exposed,” I said.
A beat went by before he replied. “It is so exposed,” he said quietly. “There’s no getting around it. You have to trust the one you’re exposing yourself to.”
Of course. Josh gave me that trust all the time. Now I knew I’d never be careless with it again.
I felt him move into position between my legs, and I clenched, as if waiting for the invasion. But it didn’t come. He leaned over and kissed my lower back. Then he did it a few more times. Finally, a smooth hand began gently tracing the crease of my ass, slowly spreading me wider.
Blowing out a breath, I tried to relax.
Soft kisses rained down on my back, my hip… even my ass. And a smooth hand stole around my hip and cupped my balls. “That’s it,” he whispered. “Spread yourself for me.”
I widened my stance even further, and Josh rewarded me by moving his hand onto the column of my dick. I rocked into his palm, gently fucking his hand. That felt good, and it made me relax.
“Good boy.” The sound of Josh’s praise soothed me, and I relaxed even further. His fingertips teased the entrance to my hole, and I let myself enjoy it. I was so sensitive to his touch. It was unfamiliar, yet utterly arousing. “Good boy,” he said again, and the low tone of his praise made me even harder.
I wanted very much to be a good boy, if this was how that felt.
It was all going well so far. “I can take more,” I told him, “should I grab the lube?”
“No,” he breathed. “We don’t need it yet.”
I was about to argue the point when I realized why he’d said that. Josh’s lips landed at my crease, and at the same unbelievable moment, his wet, hot tongue swept over my hole.
The moan I let out could have been heard down at Ralph’s Tavern.
“Mmm,” Josh said, kissing me. Licking me. He was pressing his tongue everywhere, and it was crazy.
“God in heaven,” I panted. “That is…unnng.” I couldn’t finish the sentence. All that wet warmth made me push my face into the pillow and moan. And this while he stroked my dick with one hand and my inner thighs with another.
“You’re so beautiful,” Josh said behind me. The timbre of his voice was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard. “I can’t wait to fuck you.”
“Do it,” I panted.
“Not just yet.” He moved around for a moment, and then the lube bottle popped open and then shut again. A slippery finger took over where his tongue had been. With a gentle firmness, he pushed inside me.
“Okay,” I said to the pillow. The feeling was… odd. It neither hurt nor felt good.
“Relax, baby,” Josh said. “You can do this. Ease yourself back on me.”
It did not hurt. But it was weird. Gingerly, I rocked back onto his finger.
“There you go.” He moved inside me, while I focused on relaxing for him.
That got easier a minute later when he stretched that naughty finger and brushed something that made me hiss. “Oh,” I panted.
Behind me, Josh chuckled. “Now you’ll understand.”
Did I ever. I pushed back, fucking myself on his finger, hoping for a little more of that glory. His hand disappeared, though. I heard the sound of the lube again, and then he pressed forth, this time with two fingers.
Again, I needed a minute to adjust. But this time I understood what pleasures were to be had. So I breathed deeply while my body adjusted. Josh worked his fingers apart and then together again, just like I’d done for him so many times. It was so odd to be on the receiving end of this treatment.
Before, I’d thought I understood what it meant to bottom. Josh seemed to do it effortlessly. But even though I’d warmed him up countless times before, I never really knew what was required. This was an activity full of will and intention. Letting someone else into your body required patience and a lot more trust than I’d ever known.
Before long, those two fingers were making me crazy. Every stroke began to feel like a gift. I fell face first onto the bed again. “Please,” I begged the mattress. “I’m ready.”
He kissed a sensitive place at the bottom of my spine. “I’m going to take you now.”
“Do it,” I gasped.
Trembling, I waited a few seconds for him to lube up one more time. My ass was in the air, and I no longer cared. I had no room for worry, only breathless anticipation.
Then I felt it — the broad head of his cock seeking entrance. With a groan, I eased back. There was a moment there when I thought it wouldn’t work. But then I gave way, and the first part of him slid inside.
“Oh,” I sighed. He was bigger than I expected. Again, my body needed to adjust.
Josh did not thrust. I heard him taking, long, deep breaths. Gently, he worked his way forward, until he was seated inside. “Caleb,” he panted. “You feel unbelievable.”
I took a big lungful of air and made myself relax. “Do it,” I whispered. “Fuck me.”
Josh’s hands gripped my hips. Slowly, he experimented with rocking.
“Aah,” I gasped. I felt so full of him. It was overwhelming.
He drew back, and then immediately pushed forward. It was good, and I could tell that it was about to get better. “More,” I begged.
Josh provided. He began to thrust — gently at first. The sway of his balls against mine was exquisite. Every sound he made lit me up—from the huff of each little breath, to the soft moans he made in between. The sound of his arousal stoked my fire. And then he did something so sexy. He reached forward and wrapped his long hands loosely around my neck.
I felt claimed when he did that. Owned. Taken. And all the while he fucked me from behind, his pace picking up speed as he went.
I began to meet him with each thrust, and that’s when it got really crazy. When I moved my hips, he hit my spot just right. “Oh, shit,” I gasped. “That’s…” I blew out a happy breath.
“You like that?” he whispered. He shifted the angle of his pelvis and really pounded forward.
My breath caught in my throat. “Baby…” He was riding me, and together we were headed somewhere beautiful.
“Getting close,” he grunted. “You’re so tight.” One hand left my neck and slipped around my hip. Then his hand was on my dick, and every time I moved my hips, he stroked me.
“Yeah,” I encouraged him. “Do it.”
Josh began to moan. His thrusts got short and choppy. I loved that. When we had sex he always lost himself in it. “Oh, Caleb,” he gasped. “I need to…” That’s when it happened. I could even feel the heat of his seed filling me up, while Josh groaned with pleasure.
And that’s all it took to get me there, too. My spine hitched, and the most wonderfully deep orgasm began to sweep me under. “Oh, fuck.” I was shuddering and shooting all over our new bed. Collapsing forward, I brought Josh down on top of me.
“Jesus,” I gasped into the pillow.
Josh grunted his agreement. He was quiet again, but it was okay now. Tired arms grabbed my hips as Josh slid off me. I rolled to pull him into my embrace.
We lay there, breathing together, our breath mingling the way it was supposed to.
We’re going to be okay, I promised myself.
Time passed. The sun rose higher in our new windows. “Baby?” I asked Josh after a while.
“Mmm?” He sounded so happy and calm, I didn’t want to ruin it. But there was one more thing I needed to tell him. “I want to explain why I freaked out so bad yesterday. Not to excuse myself,” I added in a hurry. “But there’s something you should know. How Miriam got those bruises on her face.”
He turned his sweaty face to me, listening.
“She wouldn’t go to Archer willingly. They were married, but she wouldn’t…” I sighed.