“You’re gay?” Morgan asked, not even bothering to hide her skepticism.
Raven nodded. “I think…I’m pretty sure.”
Saying it for the first time had been awkward and strange, the words forming uneasily on her tongue, but it had also been a relief to say it out loud, to finally acknowledge the truth she had been avoiding for so long. Repeating it, however, was simply terrifying. As the weight of the words settled around her shoulders, all Raven could feel was a growing sense of panic. She wasn’t naïve; she knew the struggles gay people faced. She didn’t want that.
Tears pricked at her eyes, and she blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. Morgan’s expression softened, sympathy replacing anger as she closed the distance between them and gently guided her toward the table.
“Let’s sit.” She pulled out one of the chairs, and Raven fell gracelessly into it.
“How long have you known?”
“A while, I guess.” Raven gripped her coffee mug with both hands, staring down into the steaming liquid as if it could provide her with answers or an explanation. “But I didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to admit it.”
She explained, or tried to explain, how she’d always felt just a little out of step with her friends, how she’d always known she was different despite every effort to be the same. How she’d hoped, if she just kept going through the motions, eventually things would fall into place. That if she talked about guys with her friends and went out on dates then eventually she would find one she liked.
Morgan listened silently, squeezing her wrist or patting her hand when she faltered, and despite the tears threatening to spill over and the tightening of her chest as the truth settled deeper, she still felt a fluttering in her stomach at Morgan’s touch.
Raven didn’t want to tell Morgan that she was the catalyst: meeting her and spending time with her had undone all of the carefully crafted excuses and denials. In part, she was afraid if she voiced it, she’d get angry with Morgan for her role in things, even though she knew it wasn’t really her fault. Also, she was afraid if she told her, Morgan would stop holding her hand.
“I’m sorry I kissed you,” she finished “I didn’t mean to. I mean, I didn’t plan it. But I knew you were gay, and I just…I had to know.”
“What it felt like to kiss a girl?
“Whether I liked it.”
“And you did.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I used you like that. I know it wasn’t fair.”
Morgan’s fingers tightened around her own. “It’s okay.”
Raven was glad Morgan wasn’t still mad at her. She was also starting to feel guilty that she was enjoying Morgan’s touch so much. With a sigh, she leaned back in her chair, her hand sliding from beneath Morgan’s as she did.
Her thoughts were a confused jumble. How could she be so freaked out at the thought of being gay, at the whole idea of being with another girl, going out on dates, holding hands, kissing, yet be attracted to Morgan at the same time?
“Hey, what are you thinking?” Morgan leaned forward, her elbows resting on the table as her hand sought out Raven’s once again.
The touch sent a jolt coursing up her arm, and she let out a shaky breath. She knew Morgan was just trying to make her feel better, but Morgan’s touch was not helping her confusion any.
“I’m thinking my parents are going to freak out. That my friends are never going to talk to me again. That my life, as I know it, is over.” And it was all true. It just wasn’t the whole truth.
“Okay, take it one step at a time.” Morgan’s voice was low and soothing, but combined with the way her thumb was gently stroking the tops of Raven’s knuckles, it was also stirring up feelings that were just too hard to take. Once again, she pulled her hand from Morgan’s grasp, this time running her fingers through her hair.
“You’ve just figured things out for yourself. That’s not saying you have to tell everyone right away.”
Raven’s heart lifted at that. She didn’t have to tell anyone. She could just keep going the way she had been. That way her family wouldn’t disown her and her friends wouldn’t hate her.
“Give yourself some time to adjust to the idea,” Morgan continued. “When you feel comfortable with it yourself, then you can come out to your family and friends.”
Raven nodded, though she saw no reason why anyone else had to know.
“You can’t keep it a secret forever,” Morgan added, as if reading her mind. “What? You think I didn’t want to do the exact same thing?”
Raven shrugged and offered a sheepish grin.
“It’ll start to eat away at you if you keep it to yourself for too long. As hard as it can be to come out, it’s easier than hiding.”
Raven had a little trouble believing that.
“I was terrified to come out. I thought my parents were going to kick me out and my friends were going to hate me, but after I’d kept it a secret for almost a year, it started to get to me. I was depressed and angry all the time. I had to tell my parents.”
“And?”
“And they took it really well. It shocked them, of course, and things were a little awkward for a while. My mom tried so hard to be understanding, and my dad got tense every time I had a friend over who was a girl, but they mellowed out. Things are good now.”
“And your friends?”
Morgan broke eye contact, and Raven felt her heart sink.
“I only told a few people, some friends and a couple of kids from my art classes. Most of them were fine with it, but my best friend…”
Raven had heard enough. She wasn’t ready to hear details on that part. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
“You didn’t.”
Morgan raised an eyebrow.
“Okay, you did. I’m definitely freaking out right now, but if you want to tell me, I can take it.” It was the least she could do, given how much Morgan had done for her. First with helping her study, and now being so supportive. If Morgan needed a sympathetic ear, Raven could be that.
“Thank you. But I’ve dealt with it. I have a lot of other really good friends who do accept me.”
Raven nodded. “That’s good. I’m glad.” Although what Morgan had told her wasn’t entirely reassuring, Raven felt better. The thought of coming out to her family, her friends, still seemed terrifying, but having Morgan here telling her this wasn’t the end of the world, it helped.
Chapter Eleven
Raven thought she’d feel different after her admission, but she still felt like her same old self. She looked the same too. After Morgan left, she’d spent twenty minutes staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, looking for some sort of change in her features but found nothing different. People weren’t going to be able to look at her and know. It was a relief, and yet she still felt nervous as she mounted the steps of Chloe’s front porch and rang the bell. Butterflies erupted in her stomach as she heard footsteps approaching from within the house. The door swung open, and even though Raven was expecting it, she jumped. Chloe noticed and laughed but, to Raven’s relief, didn’t question it.
“You made it,” she said as she reached out and tugged Raven inside by the wrist. “Everyone else is already here.”
Raven flinched at the contact, her breath catching in her throat as Chloe’s fingers pressed against the skin of her wrist. Was this okay? Was she allowed to touch and hug her friends now that she was…gay? Even in her head, she stuttered over the word.
Chloe didn’t appear to notice her discomfort as she guided Raven down the hall toward the basement rec room where everyone was gathered.
They made it downstairs, and Chloe finally dropped her hand so she could return to her place beside AJ on the couch. Raven took her first deep breath since she’d entered the house as she dropped gracelessly onto the other couch beside Summer.
“You’re late.”
“And apparently I’ve missed so
much.” She gestured with a smirk to the textbooks sitting unopened on the coffee table in front of them and then to the magazine in Summer’s hand.
“We were waiting for you.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” Summer said, then went right back to her magazine. Raven laughed and grabbed a magazine of her own from the pile then settled more comfortably against the cushions.
“Hey, Rae, what do you think, hotter with dark hair or the blond highlights?” Summer’s voice in her ear startled her, and she jumped, dropping her magazine to the floor with a dull thud.
“Someone’s jumpy today,” Summer said with a laugh as she slid even closer, her hip bumping Raven’s, their shoulders brushing. She bent and picked up the magazine, placing it in Raven’s lap before going back to her question.
“What do you think? Hot or not?”
Raven stared at her then flicked her gaze to the photo and stared without really seeing as she tried to figure out how to answer the question.
They’d had this conversation dozens of times before…doesn’t she look so pretty in that dress? Isn’t she beautiful? Don’t you think she looks gorgeous with her hair long like that? Time and time again, they’d flipped through fashion and gossip magazines, scrutinizing outfits and making comments without a second thought. But it felt dangerous this time, as if she might give herself away by making the wrong comment.
“I know, right? I can’t decide either,” Summer said with a shrug and turned her attention back to the page in front of her.
Raven slumped back against the couch, feeling deflated. She had dodged a bullet this time, but what about the next time? Or the time after that? She would always have to watch her words and expressions. She’d have to be on guard all the time. Just the thought of it was exhausting. And she hated it. After a decade of friendship, all of a sudden she couldn’t be herself. She felt tense and awkward when they got too close. She questioned every comment, every gesture, noting things she never would have given a second thought to before.
Like the fact that Summer had not slid back to her place at the other end of the couch but had remained where she was, very much invading Raven’s personal space. A week ago, it wouldn’t have even registered, but right now all Raven could think about was how Summer’s elbow brushed her side every time she turned a page and how her foot tapped the back of Raven’s leg rhythmically. Summer probably didn’t even realize she was doing either of these things, but Raven felt each brush of contact with an uneasy tension. She wondered if Summer would feel so comfortable sitting next to her if she knew the truth.
She’d seemed okay with the fact that Morgan was gay. She’d even gotten a little angry when she thought Raven wasn’t. But that was different. Morgan wasn’t her best friend since kindergarten. And Raven had no idea where Chloe stood on the subject.
She couldn’t bear the thought of losing them, especially because of something over which she had no control. But at the same time, she wasn’t sure how long she could go on keeping this secret from them. Not when it was taking up so much space in her head.
How long could she really go on jumping at every touch, tensing when they got too close, weighing every word? She was relieved when they ended their “study break” and went back to work, but she still couldn’t relax entirely. Because even though she couldn’t get into trouble talking about Shakespeare or helping Summer work through equations, she knew it was just a matter of time before she blundered. All it would take was one comment, one touch when she wasn’t prepared for it, and she’d give herself away. Then what? Would she lose two of the most important people in her life? Would she be outed at school? It was all too much to deal with.
A couple of hours later when Chloe unceremoniously kicked them out so she could have dinner with her boyfriend, Raven was, probably for the first time ever, eager to leave Chloe’s house.
Chapter Twelve
Raven did her best to avoid everyone over the course of the rest of the week. She spent most of her time holed up in her room “studying,” skipping meals, and dodging phone calls so she wouldn’t have to deal with her parents or her friends. It was too hard for her to be around people right now, to listen to them talk and joke and laugh without a care in the world while she was carrying this big secret. Even though she wasn’t ready to tell anybody yet, she felt guilty for lying—or at least withholding—and she resented having to be careful about what she said and how she acted.
Her one bright spot, the thing that kept her from going completely crazy in the midst of her self-imposed isolation, was the dinner plans she had made with Morgan on Friday night. The thought of spending time with someone who knew her secret, someone she didn’t have to be on guard around, was immensely appealing. And it provided her with an excuse as to why she wouldn’t be spending the evening with her friends. When the text came—as she’d known it would—inviting her to dinner and a movie, she had an answer ready.
Her phone buzzed a few times as she drove up to the university, but she ignored it, left it lying on the seat beside her. She knew her friends were likely getting pissed at her sudden disappearing act, and she did feel guilty for avoiding them, but there really wasn’t anything she could do about that. She simply couldn’t be around them right now, not until she had a handle on herself.
She felt a wave of guilty relief when she reached the now familiar visitor parking lot of the university and climbed out of her car, leaving her cell phone locked inside.
All thoughts of her friends faded, however, when she turned around and spotted Morgan striding across the parking lot toward her. Raven couldn’t prevent the grin that tugged at the corners of her lips any more than she could help the fluttering in her stomach when Morgan grinned back. Instantly, Morgan was upon her, arms going around Raven in a hug.
“Hey, girl. How are you holding up?” The words were a vibration against her shoulder that sent shivers down her spine.
“I’m fine,” she said into Morgan’s neck, trying not to notice just how close her own lips were to her skin.
“Fine?” Morgan pulled back to give her a raised eyebrow, and Raven realized the pointlessness of lying to the one person who knew exactly what she was going through.
“All right, I’m a mess,” she admitted. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’ve been avoiding everybody. Whenever one of my friends touches me, I have a heart attack. And I have to spend the whole day with Chloe tomorrow.” Tears built in her eyes, and she blinked them back, desperate not to turn into a wreck right now.
Morgan squeezed her hand then tugged on it gently, starting them both walking across the lot away from the school. “So for dinner, I was thinking Mexican. There’s this place a couple of blocks away that I think you’ll love.”
Raven nodded, not trusting her voice. She was grateful to Morgan for not pushing her. As much as she appreciated having someone to talk to about what she was going through, she didn’t want that to be all they talked about. She just wanted to feel normal for one night.
They made the walk in silence, hands thrust deep into coat pockets, and hats pulled down low against the cold. By the time they reached the restaurant, Raven was feeling better. She’d managed to quell her emotions and push down all the thoughts that had been weighing her down. She was determined to have a good time tonight.
“After you.” Morgan pulled the door open and made a grand sweeping gesture with her hand, ushering Raven inside ahead of her.
She nodded her thanks and stepped into a total assault on her senses. An array of spices filled her nostrils, tinny mariachi music blasted from hidden speakers around the room, and neon green cacti blinked off and on at her from behind the bar.
“Oh, my God,” Raven said in Morgan’s ear as she glanced around. The entire place was done up in wood, exposed beams in the ceiling, sawdust-covered floors, rough-hewn tables, and booths scattered around. The walls were paneled and dotted with brightly colored sombreros and earth toned ponchos. Chili pepper lights
draped across the ceiling, and a large piñata donkey hung in the center of the room.
“This place is horrible.”
“It’s awesome, isn’t it?” Morgan grinned, and Raven bit her lip to prevent herself from bursting out laughing.
The hostess appeared and asked them to please follow her. A moment later, they were seated at a booth by the window. Their hostess introduced herself, although Raven wasn’t really listening, and handed them each a menu, which Raven took absently. She was too distracted by the mariachi men salt and pepper shakers and the rest of their surroundings to concentrate.
“I think this might be my favorite place. Ever,” she said when she could finally speak without laughing. “How in the world did you find it?”
The restaurant was in the far corner of a strip mall between a bank and a dollar store. It didn’t seem like the kind of place many people just wandered into.
“I actually had a date here on Wednesday.”
“A date?”
Raven struggled to keep her voice steady and not think too much about the knot that had formed in her stomach.
Morgan nodded. “Yeah.”
“I thought you weren’t ready for dating.”
“Cindy wouldn’t leave me alone. It seemed easier to agree than fight with her about it for the next three months.”
“Okay. So, how was it?” Raven asked, not quite sure she wanted to be having this conversation, but knowing there was no way around it.
“It was okay.”
“You didn’t have a good time?”
Everything Changes Page 4