He pulled out a bandage roll and cut a small piece, then wrapped it around her wrist, padding it.
"Feel better?" he asked.
She nodded, too afraid her voice would betray the path of her thoughts.
He returned the bag to the backpack. She studied his profile, wanting desperately to run her fingers down his stubbly cheek, her hand under his poncho to explore the muscles that lay beneath.
Stop it, she ordered herself. They were out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of angry locals looking for them, thinking they were some kind of demon out to kill their children. This was definitely not the time for romantic thoughts.
After they ate another tasteless meal, Devyn pulled out the large knife and started frantically cutting at the chain on the gyve.
"I don't think that's going to work," Alix said, tensing as the blade came a little too close to her hand.
Without comment, he continued to try for several more minutes, sawing at the chain like a man possessed.
Was being gyved to her so abhorrent he'd rather cut his own hand off to escape her?
Growling, he put the knife away. "I'd give anything for a palm torch."
So would she.
Once Devyn secured the backpack, he started scanning the foliage around them, his features pinched and worried.
Alix dropped her tube, her stomach cramping. "Do you hear something?"
He shook his head and, despite the darkening shadows, she could swear she saw a blush creep up his cheeks.
"What?" she asked.
"I've got to go," he whispered so low she barely heard him.
She tried to keep her laughter inside, but a small laugh escaped. He glared at her.
"Sorry," she offered. "You sure did hold it for a long time."
"Well, I kept hoping we'd find some way to break apart before I had to."
His glare intensified. "Stop laughing or I'll never be able to do it."
Biting her lip, she allowed him to pull her to her feet, but she could still feel the corners of her lips curving up.
Devyn said nothing as he led her to a nearby clump of bushes.
"Want me to help?" she asked mischievously.
"No," he snapped. "Turn around or something." He fumbled with his pants, and Alix couldn't resist a small caress of the bulge just under her fingers. "Stop that or I'll get a kidney infection."
Alix moved her hand away.
"Not so far," he growled when she jerked on the gyve. "Don't pull me over."
"Sorry," she said meekly.
"Yeah, right," he said, his voice hard. "I know you're enjoying every minute of this."
What could she say? She actually was. "Not so easy with someone standing nearby, is it?"
"It wouldn't be so bad if you'd stop talking to me," he snapped. "Can't you whistle or something?"
Alix started whistling an old tune her mother used to sing. By the time she hit the third stanza, he'd finished.
"Let's get some sleep," he said, leading her back to the blanket. "We'll wake at dawn and see about finding a farm or small house."
"Yes, boss."
They lay on the ground, side by side. Alix stared up at the stars, trying to forget how good Devyn felt next to her. How much she would love for the nerve it would take to roll over and kiss his stubbly cheek, his soft lips.
"This isn't working," he said with a sigh, intruding on her thoughts.
"What?" she asked, her face flaming.
He sighed and sat up. "I can't sleep on my back. Let's roll over."
"Roll over? On our stomachs?"
"Yeah."
Alix sat up beside him. "I can't sleep on my stomach."
"You've got to be kidding."
"No," she said defensively. "I hate it. Why can't you sleep on your back?"
He ran his hand through his hair. "Well, I always sleep on my left side."
"All right then, roll." Alix quickly wished she hadn't said that. They pushed and pulled at each other, trying to find some way to lie and not have their arms trapped.
"I can't breathe," she choked out as his biceps crushed her throat.
"Sorry."
He twisted his arm under her head.
"Ouch!" he grunted. "Don't tear the muscles off the bone."
She sucked her breath between her teeth as he wrenched her arm.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"Wait," Alix said, sitting up again. "I have an idea." She placed her hands on his chest as he started to sit up. "You get situated."
He rolled over onto his side.
Crawling over him, she lay on her back and draped his arm across her chest. "How's that?"
"Perfect," he said, his voice deep and husky in her ear, his breath falling gently against her cheek.
Her face tingled as she realized his hand cradled her right breast and he brushed his thumb over her taut nipple.
Chapter Fourteen
Like electricity dancing along dried wood, Devyn's body erupted into flames and he forced his hand away from the delectable curve beneath his fingertips.
He hadn't forgotten how good Alix felt in his arms, but his memory had definitely taken some of the edge off the sharpness of reality. Now that she lay so close beside him, and her chest rose and fell beneath his arm, he couldn't control the thoughts singeing his brain.
Sleepiness abandoned him and he knew if he slept at all tonight he'd be fortunate. He'd been such a bastard to her, he didn't have the right even to ask for what he wanted. Yet he wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anything.
His gut wrenched at the thought of a future with her. What could he really offer her? Death. She deserved a lot more than that, and he couldn't stand the thought of holding her in his arms while she died. As he'd done with Sway.
Tears choked him, but he forced them down. All his years of medical training and he hadn't even been able to save his best friend. He was useless.
Alix deserved so much more than him. She needed someone who could keep her safe, hold her on cold nights like this and protect her from her fears, her monsters. All he could offer were even more demons to stalk her sleep.
Just what was he going to do once they left here? Right now, he wasn't even sure he wanted to go back to being a runner. But what did that leave?
Why couldn't he just bury the past and forget Onone and the HAWC? Sighing, he shifted restlessly.
"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice like a caress to his battered soul.
"I was just thinking."
"About?"
He sighed, trying to sort through his jumbled thoughts. But he couldn't quite express any of them, so instead he reached out to her. "What do you want out of life?"
"What?" she asked, her voice unsteady.
He stroked the graceful fingers of her hand, the knowledge that she lay with him somehow soothing the agony of his soul. "Do you still want a freighter?"
She turned and looked at him and his insides quivered. "Sometimes I still do. But I think I'd rather have a life."
He frowned at her word choice. "A life?"
"Yeah," she said, her eyes shining in the darkness. "I'd like to have a purpose. Like you with your missions. I've been thinking about what you said and it makes a lot of sense. Too many people just go about their daily lives without ever making any kind of mark. I'd like to leave behind something that says Alix Garran passed this way."
He smiled. "I guess we all crave immortality. My mom always wanted it by having a huge family. She used to say that the best immortality was to survive in the memory and genes of your children, to bring a smile to their lips years after you've departed their lives. And have them trade stories about how you held them close on cold, scary nights, or made them feel better after a bad day at school."
"That's beautiful," Alix whispered. "So why didn't she?"
"Didn't she what?" he asked, not following her question.
"Have a big family? You're her only child, right?"
Devyn nodded. "Yeah, I'm the only one." He fel
l silent for a minute, impotent anger washing over him.
He didn't want to tell her the reason, yet he couldn't stop the words from leaving his lips. "My mother was raped as a teenager and the bastard who did it messed her up really badly. She didn't realize how much damage had been done until she was pregnant with me. There was so much scar tissue inside that she almost miscarried me four times, and she had one hell of a time delivering me."
Alix ran her hand over his arm, her touch reaching far deeper than just the skin she caressed. "Your poor mother. That must have been horrible for her."
His throat tightened and he wished once more he could have protected his mother. "I think that's why she spent so much time with Rina's family. She used to gather us all close and just hold on like she was afraid of losing one of us." He laughed. "I was almost three before I realized they weren't my real siblings."
Alix laughed with him. "You're kidding."
"No. Adron and Jayce still call her Mom." The laughter faded from him. "My mom wanted so desperately to have more kids."
"Did you resent it?"
Devyn brought her hand up to his cheek and rubbed the back of her fingers across his face. He closed his eyes, savoring the soft skin. "No, I didn't. In fact I used to pray every night that she would have ten kids. I kept hoping a real brother or sister would give me more freedom, or ease the pain in her eyes every time she looked at a baby."
Alix pulled her hand from him and brushed his hair from his eyes. "She really loves you."
"I know. I've spent the whole of my life coddled and kissed."
Alix frowned at him, wishing she knew some way to ease the pain in his eyes. "Don't sound so upset. I would have given anything just to have my mother hold me."
He raised himself up on one elbow and stared down at her. "Why didn't she?"
Alix traced the line of his cheek as memories tore through her. Memories she would give anything to bury. "She couldn't. My father would attack her every time she came near us."
"Why?"
She shook her head, her throat tight. "I don't know. He was just so mean. I don't think he ever had anyone growing up and I don't think he wanted us to have anyone either."
Even in the dark she could feel the hatred in his glare. "Your father and beasts like the one who attacked my mother are part of the reason I wanted to be an assassin. I get so sick of all the useless violence. Why can't I do something?"
Alix snorted. "Excuse me, but I believe part of the useless violence comes from the assassins themselves."
Devyn sighed, his anger wilting beneath a wave of frustration. "I guess you're right."
Her laughter caressed his ears, sending a warm chill down his spine. "I think your desire to help clean up the world must come from having a bounder as a mother."
A smile curved his lips. "I know you're right about that." He fell silent, thinking over the last few years of his life. In all that time, everything he'd tried had only ended up making him miserable.
He sighed, disgusted with himself, with what he'd become. "I never thought I'd be this old and not know what I wanted to do with my life. Everything seemed so clear when I was a kid— do my homework, join the HAWC, be an officer and gain immortal fame and glory. Why does it have to be so frustrating now?"
She brushed her hands over his face, sending chills up his spine. "Well, I once heard an old man say half the battle is knowing what you don't want to do. Then just keep trying new things until you find the one you enjoy."
"Is that what you do?"
She looked away from him. "No. Until I joined the Mariah, all I did was survive. I never once thought about options. There aren't very many for slaves."
Devyn thought about that. Did anyone really have options? Zarina felt trapped by her parents as had her brothers and he. "Maybe we're all slaves when it comes down to it."
She gave him a sad smile that tugged at the edges of his heart. "I guess, but I'd much rather be a slave to my conscience than a slave to a man."
"Freedom is more than a corporeal state; it is a state of mind. A man can be free in the abstract, but bound more securely by his responsibilities and conscience than the one who is restricted against his will. It is the man who thinks his own thoughts and travels his own route who is the freest. Be true to yourself and no greater friend will you ever make."
"What?"
Devyn smiled and smoothed out the frown on her face. "It's something my father used to say when I was a kid. I haven't thought about it in years."
She closed her eyes and leaned into his palm, her lips gently brushing his skin, sending a wave of torturous desire through him. "It's amazing how things like that come back when you least expect them."
Devyn watched her, the way the breeze laced itself through the soft golden brown strands of her hair and spread them over her cheeks. He wished for a fire so he could look in her eyes and watch the emotions play inside them.
"But you know what I'd really like at the moment?" she asked.
Devyn shook his head. "I can't imagine."
"I'd like a nice, unexciting life without people chasing me."
"Yeah, right," he said with a smile.
Her eyes dulled and he saw the need inside her to have her dream. To live free of harm and danger. He wanted to offer her his protection, to keep her safe and chase away all her bad memories, but he couldn't. Besides, she wasn't really free to commit herself to him, not until she went through emancipation proceedings.
The law forbade marriage between a freeman and a slave. Not that he cared much for the law, but he wanted her to come to him on her own terms, not offer herself because he owned her, or because she was afraid of Irn. He wanted her love and he wanted to know that she hadn't been lying when she told him she loved him earlier.
She shivered.
"Are you cold?"
"A little."
Awkwardly, Devyn pulled the backpack to him and jerked the blanket out.
She touched his hand as he adjusted the blanket under her chin. "Do you know you're the first person I've ever really talked to?"
He smiled. "Do you know you're the first person I've ever wanted to possess?"
She stiffened. "How do you mean?"
"Not as a slave, but as a companion. When I think of the future, it's your face I want to see when I come home."
Instead of relaxing, she actually tensed more. "I'm not free, Devyn."
"I know."
"And no matter how much I love you, I can't stay with you unless I do have my freedom."
"I know that, too," he said, his throat tightening. "I wouldn't ask you to stay with me unless you were free."
"Then what are you asking?" she asked, her voice full of a need he wasn't sure he could fulfill.
"I want you to consider staying with me once you have your freedom."
"As your mistress, your engineer?"
"As my wife."
She turned away and he sensed a sadness in her that burned him, pained him. "What about trust? You said you didn't trust me."
He turned her back to face him and he tried to see into her soul. "Would you ever hurt me?"
She stared into his eyes and there deep inside her crystal gaze he saw the truth. "No, I could never hurt you."
The weight in his chest lifted and he felt light enough to soar. "I don't want to lose you to my stupidity. Sway was right. You do mean more to me than my ship, than my life."
Suddenly, there was a strange look in her eyes.
"What is it?" he asked. Could his words have hurt her?
She shook her head. "Nothing."
"Tell me."
Instead of talking, she answered him with a hungry kiss. Desire blazed inside his veins, igniting his loins.
Alix opened her mouth to taste him. She needed to touch him tonight, to know he meant his words, at least for this moment in time. She could never marry Devyn, but she loved him for the offer.
Love was a virus that ate at a person's soul, and once it devoured that, it spread
to the heart and in the end, it left its victim weak and bitter. Dried up and cold. Her mother had loved her father at one time, and look at what had happened between them.
The League 3: Paradise City Page 20