by Zante, Lily
Kay blinked, wondering how to start explaining how she had ended up here. Why—after being used by Dean, and being thrown to the side by Xavier—why she would then choose to go after a man who had warned her from the start that he was not looking for a relationship.
“Someone from work?” Savannah asked. “Is that why you’re leaving?”
“No,” she replied quickly. “God, no. Nobody from work.”
“Someone I know?”
“Yes.”
Savannah looked worried.
“It was at your wedding, in the evening at the reception.” Kay replied, slightly confused, and trying to read Savannah’s expression. She had been anticipating a shaking of her head, and exasperation, not this. Not a dour face, expecting the worst.
“At our wedding,” Savannah sighed, as if it had been the worst day of her life. She lowered her gaze to her knee, and it was a few seconds before she was able to say anything. In those few seconds, Kay’s insides bobbed up and down furiously, as if she’d been on a rollercoaster ride. “Xavier,” she said, huffing out a breath. “I thought I warned you about him.”
“Xavier?” Kay asked, incredulous.
“Not Xavier?” Savannah looked curious, a small frown line appearing on her brow. “Then who?”
“Luke.”
“Luke?” Her eyebrows lifted. “But … how… where…when?”
“It was … we got talking,” Kay replied. “He made me laugh, made me a cocktail, he was easy to talk to.”
“At the wedding?”
She nodded.
“You let me believe you were taking my advice and steering clear of men and lying to me?” This time Savannah shook her head, but she seemed to be amusingly exasperated. “Why did I ever think you would listen to me?”
“I wish I had now.” Kay’s voice turned quieter. If only she had listened to her cousin, she would have saved herself a ton of heartache. She would have spared herself the humiliation of having someone tell her she was a pity-fuck. She wouldn’t have ended up being a trophy wedding guest. But even as she tricked herself into believing this, she remembered how tempting Luke had been. Who was she kidding? He’d been a towering inferno of sexiness that she had found particularly potent. She could never have walked away from that.
“You’re not together anymore?”
“No.”
She found herself telling Savannah about everything, but leaving out the terms of their arrangement, that it had purely been a hookup in the beginning. She sensed that Savannah would see her in a different light if she told her that she’d agreed to meet for no other reason than to have sex. Just thinking and talking about it out loud made her feel dirty. It wasn’t only to Savannah, she felt that there was no way she could ever bring herself to tell anyone.
So she told her about his cancer, and that his mother had died when he was in his teens, and that he was a difficult man to love. But it was the news of the cancer that caught Savannah completely by surprise.
“I didn’t know,” Savannah exclaimed. “Tobias hasn’t said anything. Poor man.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” said Kay, remembering all too late that Luke didn’t want any of this to get out. “Please don’t. I don’t even think he’s told Xavier.”
She couldn’t even bring herself to explain that the thing that hurt her the most, not only what he called her but the reason he took her along to the wedding in the first place. “I got it wrong. I assumed he wanted me to meet his family,” she said, “But he told me later that it was because he wanted to show his ex that he had moved on. I thought he genuinely started to like me, and that I meant something.”
Savannah looked confused. “He had to take you to a wedding for you to think that? Didn’t you sense that before?”
Kay made a grating noise in her throat, as if it was too difficult to explain herself. There were days when she looked back on her reasoning back then and couldn’t explain it to herself.
She’d wanted a fairytale, and he’d given her ashes.
But it wasn’t his fault.
It was hers. For going along with a man like that in the first place.
“I’ve learned my lesson.”
Savannah looked at her silently.
“I have,” she insisted. Being man-free was the way to go. She needed a huge change in her life. A new job and no man, not for a good while.
Of course she had learned her lesson, otherwise why else was she ignoring Dr. Santini’s calls? They had ended up talking one time when she left the hospital, and he’d been most interested to hear that she was an investment banker. She suspected that his recent calls to her, on the pretense of needing financial tips, was a ruse to get her to go to lunch.
Nope. No way. The old Kay wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but the person she was now longed to be single again. She wanted a stress-free life devoid of all drama.
“Oh, by the way,” she said, suddenly remembering, “Arnold says ‘hi’. He asked me how you were doing, and he wanted to pass on his good wishes for the new arrivals.”
“Awww. He’s so sweet,” replied Savannah, her face brightening at the news. “I must try to get him to visit in a few months’ time.”
“He’s not so bad,” Kay agreed. She had time for Arnold these days. She made time for him. No more did she rush to work, and spend long hours there. In fact, helping Engelmann out had its rewards. She got to leave work early, often walking past Geoffrey’s desk with a huge smile on her face. Nobody at work knew that she was looking to leave yet, and she intended to keep it that way. “But he’s not so happy these days.”
“Oh?” Savannah looked concerned.
“He says his employer isn’t giving him a pay rise, and they’re being stingy with their holiday.” She paused, a new idea coming to her. “Couldn’t he do something for you at your new place?” she asked, thinking out aloud. “You’ve got an elevator at one side of your mansion, maybe he could help out there.”
“A concierge in our home?” asked Savannah, as if the idea was crazy.
“Maybe not.”
“But I could definitely put him to good use.” Savannah must have liked that idea, because her eyes widened and Kay could almost see the cogs turning in her brain. “I don’t need a nanny, though I’m going to have to fight Tobias over that one for now, but I could do with a handyman around the house.”
“Around the mansion,” Kay corrected her.
“I wonder…” And she appeared to be hatching up a new plan. Then she turned to her suddenly and asked, “Why were you so upset, then, at the baby shower?”
“Because…I thought he might be the one, and he so badly wasn’t. I just feel so humiliated, and so stupid. It’s embarrassing.”
“Would you ever give him another chance?”
Savannah didn’t know the full story. So there was no point in discussing it further. “No. Like I said, I’ve learned my lesson.”
“It’s just that…” Savannah hesitated. “That’s not the impression I got of him.”
“No, me neither. It’s amazing how someone can turn out to be so different.”
“He sounds as if he needs help.”
“I hope he gets it.”
Chapter 43
He was going to win her back, only, he didn’t know how to, just yet. “I’m probably the most-hated man on your list, but I need to talk to you. Please, Kay.”
“Not probably, you are.”
“Look, I don’t blame you for hating me, but please can we meet even if it’s just for five minutes?”
“I don't have anything to say to you.”
“But there’s a lot I need to say to you.
“You already did.”
“No. No I didn’t. That was me just being…being a total loser.” He couldn’t excuse himself from the way he’d treated her and the things he’d said, and he had said plenty. The last time had been low, even for him. But he’d been hoping she might have understood him now that he had revealed all his past. After Maggie and A
manda left, his emotions had gotten the better of him, even after all these years he still got sucked back into that soulless abyss he’d tried so hard to climb out of.
He needed help, he knew that now.
“I feel so low. I hate how I’ve treated you, you have no idea, Kay. Please give me a chance to say what I need to.”
“There’s nothing you can say to me that will make me change my opinion of you.”
“You can’t just leave like that.”
“I can do whatever I want. You do. You did.”
“I mean, without me apologizing.” She wasn't making this easy for him at all, nor would he have expected her to. “Please see me just the once, and then you can tell me to go to hell.” He’d never had to beg a woman before, and he wasn’t used to it, but he couldn’t let this one walk away, not without hearing what he had to say.
When he didn’t give up, she finally relented. And this was how Luke found himself in the lobby of Kay's investment bank, one evening at the end of her work day.
“Thanks,” he said, when she finally came downstairs. He stood around in the shiny chrome and marble area, bedecked with oversized plant pots, and stern looking security guards. Somber, suited young men and women rushed in and out of the sparkling clean glass doors, like a trail of ants.
“Shall we go someplace?” he asked, suddenly hopeful that she was wearing her coat. He’d been expecting the worst—that she would only give him a few minutes of her time before returning to her work. But she looked as if she was ready to leave for the day.
“No.”
Her cold and flat reply knocked him back slightly. “Okay, well, thanks for agreeing to see me.”
“I don't have long.” She glanced at her watch. He lowered his head, and looked down at her. Dammit if she didn't look as sexy and as hot as ever in her dark business suit. “I know you hate my guts and you never want to see me again, and I know I have a lot of making up to do.”
“Nothing you do or say will ever make up for the way you've behaved.”
“Then give me a chance,” he pleaded, staring at the face he hadn’t seen in ages. He missed those lips, those eyes, her softness, and her concern. He missed her. All of her.
“This is pointless. It really is.” She was shaking her head now, a sense of irritation clouding her smooth face. And those lips. She was wearing lipstick, a different shade to the one she usually wore.
“Then why are you here?” he asked. She’d agreed to see him.
“Because you sounded desperate and because you annoyed the heck out of me on the phone. Please, let’s just say our goodbyes and be done with it.”
“What if I’m not ready to? Look, Kay. I know I've been a complete idiot.”
She said nothing. She didn't agree, or disagree, and it was bad because she seemed so resigned about it. “Don’t think I haven’t appreciated anything you’ve done for me. The truth is, I’ve never had anyone who has been there for me the way you have. I’m used to people letting me down. It’s become my default expectation of others. It’s what I expected from you. Only, you never did that to me, even when I treated you like shit, you still came back.”
Her eyes flashed at him, a burst of anger behind those brown irises. “I’m known for that. I told you, I’ve never been good with me. Seems like I attract all the losers within a one mile radius. But you…” She was angry, her face twisting, her voice sharp—the way she had never been with him before. “You’ve been the worst. It’s been enough to turn me off men for a good while.”
Shame rolled over him like a tractor, bulldozing him to the ground. He was desperate to make amends, desperate to make her understand but she didn’t seem interested. She was cold, and distant, and the warmth he had often seen in her eyes when they met, had been extinguished.
He wished he could turn back time, wished he could take back the words he had said to her. The truth would have come out eventually, but he could have delivered it more softly—the suicide, the seduction, the betrayal—things which had made him him. Instead, he’d pushed her away.
But it was all he knew because there was safety in being alone, in not having anyone else to rely on.
“I can change, and things can be different between us.”
“You sound like how I was, months ago,” she said. “I used to think things would change between us; that we would move on and have a proper relationship one day.”
“It’s not too late.”
“It is for me. I can’t do this anymore.”
The muscles in his face tightened. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. “Don’t dismiss me as easily as I dismissed you.”
“You have a nerve to ask me that,” she shot back.
“I know. I’m trying to make amends. I still want you in my life.”
“I don’t. It stopped working for me even before you got ill.”
He looked at her in shock, smarting from the verbal punch she’d delivered. He hadn’t been expecting smiles and laughter, but he’d hadn’t been prepared for this, or her level of animosity. He’d been a shortsighted fool.
“Look, you've obviously had some sort of epiphany,” she continued, “and I get that you've had lots of time to think about things, but so have I. I know you’re recovering from an illness, and there’s never going to be a right time to say it, and I haven’t said it. I just went quiet hoping you’d get the hint, but I realize it isn’t the right way to finish things. And that’s why I agreed to meet with you now.”
“Don’t do this.”
“Hear me out. At least give me that,” she said. “You’ve been able to say and do as you please, you’ve been cold, and callous, and you’ve constantly told me exactly what we have. What we had. I know. I know that now.”
He flinched when she talked of them in the past tense. “We can make this work,” he insisted.
“I don’t want to make it work.”
“Night, Kay,” two men walked past, one of whom tapped her on her shoulder. The guy next to him was the one he recognized as that shmuck Geoffrey.
She nodded her head at them, saying nothing, but he knew her well enough now that he could read her expression. She was being wary, and wasn’t at all enthused to see them.
“Is that your boss?” he asked.
“Yes. With Geoffrey.”
“Thought I recognized the shitbag. I've heard you're looking to change jobs,” he said, hoping to redirect her anger.
Her eyes narrowed and she leaned towards him slightly. “Why don't you announce it even louder? I haven't told anyone here, yet. I have to find a job first.”
What an idiot. He placed his palm against his cheek, feeling mortified. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You often don't.”
He let that one sink in, and nodded in agreement. “I’ve been a lot of things, Kay. And there are a lot of things I’m ashamed off,” he said, keeping his voice low. “I've used you as I pleased, without any regard for your feelings. But we had an arrangement, and back then, when I didn’t know any better, I just went along with it. I wasn’t expecting much from it, and I thought it would fizzle out, like things often do for me.”
“That's all in the past now. Can we not ever talk about that arrangement again?”
“Yes,” he said. This could be construed as progress. She had suggested the very thing he had wanted to see her about; forgetting what they had before, and starting over. “Let's leave that in the past where it belongs. Maybe we can focus on the future.”
“Future?” she scoffed. “We don't have a future.” She looked towards the entrance then glanced at her watch again.
“Don’t say that,” he said, touching her arm and trying to bring her focus back to him, to them, to this. “We can make this work. I know we can.”
“You're being hopeful. I'm being realistic.” She gave a cruel laugh. “Oh, how the tides have turned. I used to be in your shoes once, wanting what you do now. It’s such a weak, pathetic place to be in.” He couldn’t read her expressi
on, couldn’t tell if she was relieved or sad. But her words had cut through him like a knife, and he stared at her knowing he was losing. That he had maybe already lost weeks ago.
“I was going to split with you before,” she told him. “Actually, it was the day before your surgery, before I even knew you had cancer.”
He tried to think back through the fog of the recent weeks, back to the day when the doctor had told him. “But you came to see me in the hospital,” he said slowly.
“That’s right. I was going to split with you then...I mean, extract myself from this arrangement. You only split if you've been in a relationship.” She slapped her forehead in mock disbelief. “How stupid of me to think that.”
He clenched his jaw, fighting back a retort. This wasn't a fight where he got to prove that he was right, or had the upper hand.
“I cared about you,” she said. “You made it hard for me care, but I did it anyway. I did it because I wanted you to get better, and especially after you told me about the things in your past, the things that have scarred you so deeply—”
“I’m not scarred,” he shot back.
“Aren’t you?”
He exhaled loudly, not wanting to talk about that. “What stopped you, from splitting with me then?”
“Marie. She told me you were ill, and that you were in the hospital awaiting surgery, and so I couldn’t. I couldn't split with you when you were already down.”
She would never have, he knew that. She was selfless, and loving, and caring. A Florence Nightingale with the body of Marilyn Monroe. He'd fucked up bigtime. “I bet you wish you had.”
“I do. I’ve thought about it many times,” she replied, nodding. “Being with you was the worst thing I ever did to myself, but I’m not that type of person who can do that to someone—even if that someone has already done that to me—treated me badly. It’s a weakness I have, which is probably why I let men walk all over me.”
“You don’t let men walk all over you. You’re leaving work, you’re looking for a new—”
“You’ve been speaking to Marie,” it wasn’t a question, more of a dismissive, passing statement. “I’m going to leave this place,” she said, lowering her voice to a whisper, “because I will no longer tolerate not being valued at work, and for that same reason, I can’t ever be with you again, because to do so would demean me.”