by Anthology
“I could be worth so much more if I’m allowed to be part of the Dio Lavoro. You do it. You’re both a good cop and bad. I can be, too.”
“I didn’t break the boss’s daughter’s heart twice...” He plays voice of reason, but even with the amount of alarm in his voice I don’t heed. “That means there a loaded gun with bullets with your name on it. Not just one, but a whole fucking barrel of them... fuck, I reckon all of the Abbiati men have a gun with your name on it... each!”
“I know what I did to Amelia was shameful, but I’m giving up everything to play their fucking game, I promise you, I will have a meeting with Sal before this month is up. I know it won’t be easy and I have every single one of those Abbiatis against me, but I will try everything in my power.”
He watches me, his jaw clenching as he contemplates.
“Okay,” Billy finally relents. “What’s my part in this?”
“You’re my eyes and ears. I need to know where they’ll be. I need to take every opportunity to make sure they notice me as an asset and not as a man that left Amelia broken hearted.”
“You’re going to attempt to recreate yourself in their eyes?” Billy asks, giving me a stern look. “Do you seriously think they’ll allow you?”
“I won’t know unless I try,” I reply, my voice dropping a few octaves with my sincerity. “I’m willing to do anything right now, and this is one of those things I have to do. I want them to see me as a willing counterpart into what they’ll do.”
“And what’s the end game?” he asks, not yet disagreeing. “I need to know what it is you’re playing for here, Zane. I can’t help you unless I know what you sole reason is.”
“Amelia.”
Her name rolls off my tongue with ease. Every syllable a sweet delight to say because now it’s not out of despair or shame. No, I’m saying her name with a new light because I’m about to throw morals aside to make sure I’m by her side and willing to show her that I made two stupid decisions where our love was concerned, I won’t do it again. I won’t allow her name or her family chase me away.
“And you think she’ll give a shit about you?”
“I’m still alive because of her... because she still cared enough.”
That’s the statement I’m sticking with. It’s because of her that I’m here. Everyone else might see it differently, but to me, Amelia is life. I’m a foolish man and the past several months have proven that to me in every color possible. I’ve seen my life sink and become nothing more than a morsel of what it used to be. I only come alive when I think of her. I feel absolutely everything when she enters my mind – love, adoration, shame, guilt, self-loathing, want, desire. It’s all there. Every single emotion that a desperate man could feel in the name of losing love I’ve felt. It’s all made an impression, gotten me to this point, made me want to become reckless with my life.
Billy signs, bringing me back to the moment.
“I know Gio and Carlo are taking Manuel with them to some fight club in Manhattan Friday night. They’re going to watch a couple of matches, unwind or something. Why not go there? I mean, Gio’s going to be your toughest Abbiati to deal with besides Salvatore. Why not get him into the ring, show him how you can really fight?”
I remain silent, thinking about how this will play out.
“We both know you can pack a punch, Zane, so don’t look so scared. He’ll eat you up if you look like that.” He throws in a small burst of laughter. “Play it casual... your appearance alone will grouse him, but keep it friendly. Tell him what it is you want. Lay it all out on the table and tell him why you’re back in their lives.”
I nod, remaining silent as I start to weave some semblance of a decent plan.
“Zane, what are you planning?” he asks me, his face drawn. “I’ve never seen you like this and I know for the most part it’s self-inflicted, but you’re about to play a dangerous game here. What is it you’re planning here?”
“A real chance to live,” I mutter, not letting him know anymore as I start to stand. I reach into my back pocket, dragging out my wallet to drop thirty dollars onto the table, regardless that we never ate. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, buddy.”
“Yeah you will,” Billy mentions, remaining sat. “I plan to be at that fight club.”
Good, the bigger the audience the better.
***
I adorn a suit for this evening. If there’s one thing I learnt quickly about those who run with Salvatore, it’s that you look smart and suave. You hold yourself like you’re fucking royalty when you know you’re not. You match your tie to the shade of suit you have on. You make sure your shoes shine so whatever bastard you take on can see their reflection in them. You give yourself a shave, either clean shave or tidy yourself up to look respectable. You style your hair. You give yourself a fearsome demeanor and you get the job at hand done.
“What the actual fuck?” Billy asks, grabbing onto me to pull me away from the crowd and towards the bar. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“You know why. You gave me a location; I promised you’d be seeing me soon.”
“I thought you were bluffing!” he exclaims, throwing his hands onto his head with panic. “Fuck, Zane, you are going to get yourself killed! I didn’t think you were serious.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, furrowing my brow at me. “This is my last shot before I completely run out of any solutions.”
“There are other ways.”
“Not to have my last chance with Amelia,” I state, conviction lacing my words. “She will notice me... for good or bad reasons, I don’t care. All I know is that she will see me as the man with nothing else left to lose but her love.”
“And if you’ve lost it already?” he asks, and I fucking hate him for playing devil’s advocate right now.
“At least I can say I tried,” I say, sobering up to my plan. “If I killed all my chances with her, at least, I will know from her. At least I can say I fought my way into her life to show that I could give it a try... ulterior motives involved or not.”
"They'll let any old cunt in it seems." I bristle at the sound of Gio’s voice, but remain facing the bar, my eyes locked on Billy’s. "Ah c'mon, Maverick, we were almost brothers while you were fucking my sister... on two occasions. Do I not get a hello?"
His question goes unanswered. Even anything, I bristle. I know how he’s treated Amelia and I loathe him for being just like his father – an absolute cunt.
"Hey cunt, I said do I not get a hello?" he asks, placing a hand onto my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. “It’s been a while.”
“Not long enough,” I ground out.
“Why are you here, Maverick? This isn’t your territory,” he comments, giving me a filthy look. “What thinks you can walk in here
“I want a chance,” I begin, stepping forward, squaring my shoulders, and becoming an equal to Gio. “I want an opportunity to prove to you I deserve a second chance.”
“A second chance?” he asks, laughing hysterically. “A second chance at what? You’re on strike three with Amelia, so what could you possibly want a second chance at?”
“Being a part of your family,” I state, not even wavering. “I want to prove my worth to Sal. This time not as Amelia’s lover, but as a fully committed member to the Dio Lavoro.”
Gio doesn’t respond initially. Slowly he breaks into a heavy fit of laughter, chuckling so hard he hunches over himself.
“Why shouldn’t I just finish you here and drag your dead body to my father to prove you’re a job finally completed?” he asks me, sobering up from his laughter. “What right do you have to ask me such a favor?”
“Because I know if I can prove my worth to you I have a sliver of hope.”
“I don’t normally fight...” Gio begins to say, his lips twitching some in the corner. “But for you, I’ll make the exception. I can’t think of anything better than pummeling your pathetic face in to show you how you will never get a chance to be one of
us.”
“Don’t write me off just yet,” I reply, trying to match his demeanor. “I won’t be that easy to beat.”
“Fine... you prove yourself in front of this entire crowd and I’ll get you a meeting,” he bargains. “If anything, I’ll be doing this just so I can see that bitch’s face when her beloved Zane Maverick sits drinking with the real men instead of playing lap dog.”
Even my sworn enemy knows exactly why I’m doing this – Amelia. Her sick and twisted brother knows my ulterior motive and he seemingly knows it better than I do. I shake the malicious thought that creeps over me, telling me he’ll beat me because he knows my only weakness – love. But I can’t stop now, I can’t be deterred.
After all, I could love in silent abandon, or I could do the same in deafening recklessness.
The latter is far more exhilarating.
“Let’s do this...” I tell him, narrowing my gaze enough to challenge him. “You and me, Gio...”
He comes toward me, trying to intimidate me but I stand my ground, meeting his gaze entirely.
“Bare-knuckle fight,” he says, a smirk growing on his lips as his sadistic side starts to come out to play. “Nothing but man against man. You beat me, and I’ll you get a meeting.”
“And if I lose?” I ask, challenging him.
“I finally get to end your pathetic life,” he says, not hiding how much he loves the idea.
“Deal,” I say.
Immediately, Gio starts to smile viciously. “This is going to be a fucking glorious evening!”
I watch him leave, heading straight for the ring in the center of the club. I roll my shoulders, mentally prepare myself and begin to follow Gio’s footsteps.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I’m asked as a hand comes to grab me by the elbow. I’m spun around to be faced by Enzo, flanked by Manuel and Carlo. “I had you down as desperate, not clinically insane!”
“I’m showing you my worth,” I say, my words almost mirthfully spoken. “I need to do this.”
“You’re going to get yourself killed,” Carlo states, while he oozes sarcasm, I know he’s right. “Gio will kill you in there.”
“Got too much to live for to die tonight,” I reply, keeping myself cool and collected. “I need Gio to notice me. I know you all have every reason to hate me and, if I’m honest, I don’t know why you’re bothering to stop me, but I have to get in that ring.”
I don’t give them a chance to argue to my saner side. I turn and rush towards the ring. I toss abandon aside and watch Gio standing before the crowd, growling and appealing to their wilder side. As I get ready to make my appearance with him, I take off my jacket, undo my tie and hand them to Billy before I jump up the steps and into the ring.
“You don’t have to do this,” Billy says, trying to block my way.
“No one is talking me out of this.” I narrow my eyes on Billy, preparing to argue with him.
“C’mon, Maverick, I’m looking forward to watching your beg for mercy!” Gio goads, coming over to us.
“Watch me leave an impression,” I comment, grinning wickedly at Billy. “Believe me, you’ll want to watch this.”
“Believe me, Zane, I won’t be missing it,” he quips with a heightened sense of mockery. “Don’t let us underdogs down.”
I give him a wink. “Wasn’t intending to.”
As I hop up the stairs, ducking only to get under the ropes to meet my competitor when I realize the noise has suddenly grown tenfold. The roar of the crowd is a buzz to my adrenaline rush, causing a thrum of twisted excitement to lace itself into my bloodstream. I cast my gaze to Gio, he’s stood in black pressed pants with a crisp white shirt, the top few buttons opened. Already his hands are formed into fists, his face contorted with sheer hatred for me.
I watch him stand before me, bouncing from foot to foot with fists clenched. He smiles at me menacingly and I know from the look he’s giving me he’ll enjoy every moment of beating the life out of me. Billy said I could pack a punch, but he forgot that Giovanni Abbiati is a six foot four psychopath.
“C’mon, Maverick... you must have some built up anger towards me and my own,” Gio goads, coming closer, forcing me back. “I mean, you’re just another name on a list to us. Neither a man nor a mouse... just a fucking name.”
It’s with that comment that my hands ball into their own fists at my side and I slowly bring them up, preparing. He sees this and comes towards me fierce and fast. He doesn’t hesitate to strike the first punch and I dive only to make my move. While I land a punch across his cheek and then his ribs, he equally hits me across my jaw before pummeling his fist into my cheek. We both have grievances with one another and I refuse to allow him to think he’s going to win. We dance around near missed punches, animalistic growls, and a dying need to win.
I think we’re pretty even until Gio lands an uppercut, his fist slamming into my chin, jarring my teeth together with brute force. I fall down, dazed and confused. My head smacks onto the flooring of the ring, bouncing back up only to crash back down. Immediately, pain overcomes my head, causing me to close my eyes. Suddenly, all of the pain he’s sent into my body with his fists, comes at me full throttle.
Why the fuck did I think I could win this?
“Get back up,” Enzo’s voice is suddenly yelling at me, causing me to focus. I see him standing by me on the outside of the ring, looking in, his eyes full of ire, his words heated with it. “If I thought you were going to do a crazy fucking thing like this I’d have left you to drink away your sorrows! Now, get back up and don’t let him win!”
I remain still, unsure if it’s a feat I can manage.
“Show him you mean fucking business!” he tells me, fighting for me. “Don’t do it for me, or for you... do this for Amelia. If you love her like you appear to then beat the fucker. Now get back up, Maverick!” I watch him roll his eyes with infuriation. “He’s the only thing standing between you and being one step closer to Amelia! Don’t let him take it away from you!”
He’s right. He’s completely right.
Sliding my hands up against my body, I force myself up. My head feels woozy, the hit he gave me last leaves me with a violent head rush, but I feel angry that I let him have it easy.
“C’mon bastardo! Let me show these men a mercy killing!” Gio shouts from his side of the ring. “Let me show them how an Abbiati kills a filthy cop!”
I bite my tongue, remaining silent towards him as I prepare to charge.
“Might take your cock and give it to Amelia as a trophy,” he threatens, gleefully. “Show her how small a man she fell for!”
I charge. I’m ready to make him swallow every word and shrink his ego. I take no prisoners and run at him, taking him by total surprise. I punch, feeling the beautiful burst of pain across my knuckles. It should deter me and once upon a time it would’ve done just that, but now I’ve started, I feel like I’m winning. I feel the skin across my knuckles split from the contact with Gio, but it’s the feel of his blood spraying at the will of my punches that keeps attacking.
I’m a man with very little to lose and a fucking lot to win.
I can feel the exertion of energy getting to me and whatever hits Gio gets in I take. I just need enough to fall him down to his knees. He lands a solid punch onto my jaw again and I stumble back, leaving him ample opportunity to attack. He comes at me angrier than ever, but I can’t deter now. I can’t fear making the beast angrier. Instead, I run straight back at him. I nail a punch to his kidney, forcing him to howl and lose concentration before I throw an uppercut at him. I follow it with a cross punch. As Gio falls it’s not an easy celebration as I sway on my feet, dazed from the punches he delivered
I go at him and he puts a hand up before spitting a mouthful of blood out.
“You’re a fucking psycho!” he says and I wonder if he’s admitting defeat. “I’ll get you a meeting with him, but don’t think it’ll be pleasant.”
“I don’t plan on it,” I say, offering my h
and out to him – almost calling a truce. He smacks it away, getting himself up. “I just need a moment of your father’s time.”
“You’ll get it, don’t worry.” He wipes his mouth, blood leaving a trail across the back of his hand. “Next time we have a fight, I won’t grant you a chance. I just want to see what this new Zane Maverick will do for my family.”
I stopped one of them from killing me and as adrenaline rushes through me, I wonder if this was what she felt when she avenged me. I’m doing this for her, I won for her.
I’m one step closer to Amelia, just as Enzo said I would be.
***
“You still love her.”
I grin at my mother’s comment, knowing she’s right.
“I think I’ll always love her,” I muse, my small grin doesn’t falter in the slightest. “I’m one of the lucky ones for finding their other halves, but I’m also a stupid one.”
“You can still get her back.”
My mother weakly reaches out, even with her lack of energy, to capture my hand in hers. I look her in the eyes, knowing her time with us is becoming shorter by the day. Her battle with cancer has been quick and aggressive, stealing every hope and dream I had of our future. I wanted my mother around for decades, but that will never happen and every day I care for her I know it’s getting closer to being over.
“I fault for you to be the man you are today, it’s time you fight for her,” my mother argues, while her voice is weak, her conviction isn’t.
“I don’t think it’s that easy,” I admonish, offering a mirthless laughter.
“It’s not meant to be,” my mother comments, honestly. “Zane, love is meant to hurt and it’s meant to be frightening. It’s also meant to be consuming and addictive. What you and Amelia share is a rarity, and I’m so grateful I got to see you find a woman who evokes in you all the things she should.”
“I ruined it though,” I reply, that bitterness striking my tone. “No girl will come close to her, but I let my prejudices about her family jeopardize it all and I tossed her aside. She left a huge mark on me and that’s the most I deserve.”