by Judith Pella
“And so,” he concluded, “in return for your compassion and mercy, I will ease your burden by going west with the railroad. I will be gone for an undetermined time, and hopefully, when I return you will have put this entire matter far behind you and perhaps have married someone more worthy of your love. Sincerely, James.”
He knew he had no choice but to leave. Perhaps his absence would help quiet the gossips. At least that’s what he wanted to think. In reality he knew he was leaving because he simply could not face the consequences of his actions. As far as returning went . . . maybe he would stay away forever. There seemed only one reason for him to return at all, and that was in the hope that he might win Carolina’s love. But it was a vain hope. Once Virginia confessed the truth, Carolina would hate him, as would her entire family. Even if he had the nerve to ask her, she would never agree to marry a man of his reputation, and neither would her father allow a man who’d slighted one daughter to marry another. Such a relationship would destroy Carolina’s social standing. And that he could not do. He thought about what he had said to her after Mary’s funeral—that he would die for her. He felt almost as if he were doing that very thing in leaving.
Sealing the letter, he called up a servant whose discretion could be trusted. “I’d like you to post this letter for me first thing in the morning—better yet, take it to Oakbridge in person tomorrow.”
He then wrote one final letter, this to his parents. When it was finished, he packed up two carpetbags and quietly carried them outside, pausing only to place his parents’ letter in a place where they would easily find it. It was late and his parents were asleep, but still he did not want to take any risks of waking them. He saddled his horse and walked it some distance before mounting and riding away at a brisk trot.
————
Virginia was very properly outraged. It was possible she shed more tears over James’ letter than she had over the death of her sister. But the worst of it was that everyone was still so upset over Mary’s death that no one had much sympathy for her.
“I won’t stand for it!” she cried, knowing full well there was little she could do about it.
Her father tried to soothe her. “No one need ever know it was he who broke off the engagement, Virginia. Unless, of course, you cause such a scene the servants begin to gossip. This is a terrible thing, but you are an Adams, and I have every faith you will meet it with poise and grace.”
“Father, make him marry me! You can do it. There are ways—”
“Is that what you truly want, daughter? A man forced into a union? I don’t think so. You are worthy of better.”
“I’ll be an old maid, Papa! No one will marry me now!”
She wouldn’t be comforted. She stormed from her father’s presence, bemoaning her hapless lot in life. First Mary had to die and force the postponement of her wedding. She was almost certain if that hadn’t happened James would have never had time to back out. She considered going to Washington City herself to make an appeal. He must simply have been struck with pre-wedding jitters. If that didn’t work she concocted another desperate plan. “I’ll pretend to have been compromised,” she schemed to herself. “That would force him to deal with me publicly.” But then word reached Oakbridge that James had packed up his belongings and left town.
There seemed nothing to be done now but to assume the attitude her father had suggested. She would be the refined lady. She would tell everyone that Mary’s death had simply made it impossible for her to leave home in the near future. She felt the only honorable thing to do was to release James of his obligations, seeing that she had no idea when she would be ready for marriage.
Oh, but it galled her to be so graceful when all she really wanted was to tear James’ heart out.
55
Carolina’s Hope
The fifteenth of October dawned as a cold blustery day. Carolina slipped into a woolen petticoat and relished the warmth. The heavy black wool gown, now her daily companion, came on easily but hung rather limply on the frame that had lost so much weight over the last month.
No one had seemed to notice her wasting away. No one, not even her father, had come to her and spoken on the matters of Mary’s death or Margaret’s dark depression. Joseph spent most of every day with his wife, seeking for some way to help her through the mire of confusion that her mind had become. Penny, recovering as well as could be expected, was doted upon by Virginia and Georgia with little need for Carolina’s presence.
James was gone, too. And Carolina found little pleasure in Virginia breaking their engagement. It was rumored that James had been quite devastated by Virginia’s decision and because of this, he’d taken himself away from Washington. She knew James well enough to know he had not done this thing lightly. He was a man of honor and she admired his strength and spirit. It was painful to lose the love of your life. She’d learned that lesson the day James had become engaged to her sister. Yes, James was an honorable man who’d no doubt suffered greatly.
Of course Virginia would never agree with that, and for some reason, her fury was directed somewhat at Carolina.
“That blasted railroad took him from me!” she had yelled at Carolina. “And you encouraged it. What could I do, but break the engagement?”
If only Virginia knew that the railroad had taken James away from Carolina as well. But in that Carolina would have to carry her broken heart in silence. No one would ever know how deeply James’ departure had hurt her.
The days passed in clouded routines that meant nothing and held no hope of ever meaning anything. The time became a kind of madness. The house had fallen again into Virginia’s capable hands without so much as a word between the sisters to announce the occasion. Carolina found the situation frustrating and difficult to bear, but no one else seemed at all affected by the never ending silence.
Taking herself to the library, Carolina looked around her, trying to find some meaning, some comfort. Always before, this was the place where she could feel at peace. But this time was different. These books meant nothing, a startling revelation to be sure. Even now, seeking their solace, Carolina could only stare at the dusty shelves of idle volumes. They were words on paper. Nothing more unless a person chose to give them life. And she had no life to give them. No passion. No heart. No soul.
And they would always remind her of James and the dreams that would always remain far from her reach. So very distant.
Her father’s Bible, an institution all its own, lay unopened on his desk. Carolina knew it never to be far from his side these days and wondered silently what solace he found there. She reached out and traced the leather cover with her forefinger. Maybe she would read it. This was the Word of God—His message to the children He’d put upon the earth. Her father said it was a message of hope and love.
But how could there be hope and love?
Knowing that the emptiness was destroying her inside, Carolina took up the Bible and held it tightly. “I know of God and this book,” she murmured to the silent shelves of books. “On my father’s knee I remember hearing stories of the coming of our Savior Jesus Christ and learning that He gave His life for my sins. There is hope in that and love. But my sister is dead, and there is no comfort to be found.”
“You are wrong, Carolina. There is comfort.” She turned to find her father, exhaustion clearly etched in the lines of his face. He smiled sadly. “He is our comfort.”
Carolina looked down at the book in her hand. “I want very much to know that is true.”
Joseph crossed the room and opened the window to let in some fresh air. “As do I. Sometimes I feel as though I’m smothering under a load of sorrow. Everything seems closed up and hidden away.” He looked at Carolina as though seeing her for the first time. “You have nearly wasted away, daughter. Look at you. You’re thin as a rail. Even your cheeks are hollow.”
Carolina gripped the Bible even tighter. “There seems little reason to what has happened, Papa. There is no comfort in knowing I’ll never a
gain hear Mary’s laugh. There is no comfort in a broken heart.” She said the words before considering them. Hopefully her father would perceive her reference to a broken heart because of Mary’s passing.
Joseph came to her and embraced her for the first time since Mary’s funeral. It broke her will as nothing else could. She slumped against her father’s chest and wept softly.
“It will pass,” he said softly. “You will see. There is comfort and I will prove it,” Joseph said, leading her to the settee. “Here, hand me the Bible.”
Carolina did as she was instructed, wishing she could remain as a little girl in her father’s arms. She watched her father leaf through the pages and finally settle on a passage of Scripture.
“ ‘I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.’ ” Joseph hardly looked at the book as he read the passage from the book of John. He knew it from memory. “And further on in the chapter, Christ tells us, ‘But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you,’ ” Joseph quoted the words as his voice cracked and tears came to his eyes. “ ‘My peace I give unto you.’ ”
Carolina reached up to take hold of her father’s hand. Gently she gave a tug and he willingly sat down beside her. Lovingly she took the Bible in hand and found the place where he’d left off and started to read. “ ‘ . . . not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.’ ” She looked up at her father. “I want these to be more than words. I want to know they are true and to take courage in them for the future.”
Joseph put his hand over hers. “You can put your hope in these words,” he said.
“How do you know this? How can you be so confident?”
Joseph pointed again to the Scripture. “There, back before those latter verses. See here.”
She read where he indicated: “ ‘At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.’ ” She paused, feeling the first real spark of understanding. “I have but to love Him?”
“And,” Joseph said, taking up the Word, “ ‘If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.’ ” Joseph closed the Bible and drew Carolina into his arms. “You have always heard me say that to believe in God is not enough. To know He exists is not to know His salvation and love. To know Him is to love and obey Him. It is to trust Him even when the way is unclear and all hope is gone.”
“To trust Him even when your heart is broken?” Carolina asked, lifting up her eyes. James was gone, probably having done the only honorable thing he could. It might be the right thing, but it still hurt.
“Especially when it is broken.” Joseph placed a kiss on her forehead. “For where else may you take your broken heart, if not to Him who made it in the first place?”
The way seemed much clearer to Carolina, and peace—something she’d not known in weeks, maybe months if the truth be told— settled upon her. “God does love me,” she whispered.
“Of course He does,” Joseph replied.
“And I love Him. Oh, Papa, I do love God, and I will seek to be an obedient daughter,” she said, as though a sudden revelation had taken place. She hugged her father tightly and smiled. “I will trust Him and I will find my comfort in Him. I will see Mary again in heaven, and my heart will mend.”
They sat quietly for several minutes, then Joseph said, “Come here, Carolina. I want to show you something. It arrived yesterday. I had no heart for it then. But now, perhaps it was sent by God himself to give you and me a new purpose to ease our grief.”
He took her hand and together they rose and went to the desk. He picked up a thick envelope. It had been lying next to the Bible, but Carolina had not noticed it before.
“This a preliminary survey of a proposed route for the Potomac and Great Falls Railroad.”
“Papa! I had forgotten all about that. Is it really going to happen?”
“It’s but a step, Carolina. But the only way we can ever reach our dreams is to take that first step.”
Carolina stared with wonder at the papers as her father withdrew them from the envelope. And she saw not a sheaf of maps and charts, but rather a promise for the future and hope amidst the dreams.
Carolina nodded. “Yes, Papa. I think you are right.” She hugged him close. Perhaps the dreams were not so distant after all.
With special thanks to:
Anne Calhoun
Assistant Archivist, Baltimore and Ohio Railroad Library,
and the Museum staff of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad
Herbert Harwood, Jr.
Author of Impossible Challenge II
Mike Hawkins
Topeka Railroad Days
John Goodnough
Susquehanna Valley Railroad Historical Society
Susan Tolbert and Roger White
Smithsonian Institute, Railroad Transportation
Books by
Judith Pella
The Stonewycke Trilogy*
Texas Angel (2 in 1)
Mark of the Cross
DAUGHTER S OF FORTUNE
Written on the Wind
Somewhere a Song
Toward the Sunrise
Homeward My Heart
PATCHWORK CIRCLE
Bachelor’s Puzzle
Sister’s Choice
Books by Tracie Peterson
www.traciepeterson.com
A Slender Thread • I Can’t Do It All!**
What She Left For Me • Where My Heart Belongs
ALASKAN QUEST
Summer of the Midnight Sun
Under the Northern Lights • Whispers of Winter
BRIDES OF GALLATIN COUNTY
A Promise to Believe In • A Love to Last Forever
A Dream to Call My Own
THE BROADMOOR LEGACY*
A Daughter’s Inheritance • An Unexpected Love
A Surrendered Heart
BELLS OF LOWELL*
Daughter of the Loom • A Fragile Design • These Tangled Threads
Bells of Lowell (3 in 1)
LIGHTS OF LOWELL*
A Tapestry of Hope • A Love Woven True
The Pattern of Her Heart
DESERT ROSES
Shadows of the Canyon • Across the Years
Beneath a Harvest Sky
HEIRS OF MONTANA
Land of My Heart • The Coming Storm
To Dream Anew • The Hope Within
LADIES OF LIBERTY
A Lady of High Regard • A Lady of Hidden Intent
A Lady of Secret Devotion
WESTWARD CHRONICLES
A Shelter of Hope • Hidden in a Whisper • A Veiled Reflection
YUKON QUEST
Treasures of the North • Ashes and Ice • Rivers of Gold
*with Judith Miller **with Allison Bottke and Dianne O’Brian