If Your Wife Only Knew

by Cydney Rax

  Kiara, still holding Hayley in her arms, trooped ahead like she was Sofia in The Color Purple wearing her flowered hat. Her loud footsteps banged the pavement, her neck straight, as she headed to a place unknown. She finally stopped at an empty wooden bench that was seemingly planted in the middle of nowhere. Trees with swirling leaves towered over them. Students rushed past, headed to classes. The air was cold and brisk, and the wind howled like it was scared.

  Hayley coughed and shivered.

  “This won’t take long.”

  “Kiara, I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yes. This.” Alexis mournfully sighed like it finally hit her. “This. This.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. What can you tell me to make this situation good? Acceptable?”

  “I understand if you hate me, Kiara. I’d hate me too if I were in your shoes. I wanted to tell you, I was dying to tell you but he—”

  “I just wonder why it’s taken me so long . . .”

  Alexis nervously rubbed her hands together. Her face was pinched, her normal portrait of a confident, beautiful, sexy, desired woman gone.

  “But I always knew.”

  “You knew?”

  “When a woman really wants to know, she knows. He can lie as much as he wants. I can lie as much as I want. I didn’t know everything, but I knew something. The hints were there. My God, she favors him.”

  “Again, I wish things had been different. Everyone has faults and does things they regret. I’m no different and I—”

  “I don’t need the speeches. I hate speeches. Worthless, meaningless, this shit ain’t gonna change nothing speeches. My heart feels like a big pile of dust right now.” She looked Alexis squarely in the eye. “Do you know what that feels like? To realize that everything you’ve ever believed in, everything that ever made you feel warm inside, and safe, and loved, and significant, is all questionable? No, you don’t know. I don’t care what you say. You have no idea.”

  Hayley squirmed in the tight clutch of Kiara’s arms. Alexis’s impulse told her to grab her daughter. Get her. Save her. She reached for the child, but Kiara coldly turned her back to the woman.

  “I guess this is what I get,” Kiara said. “What I deserve.”

  “No, don’t say that—”

  “No, wait. I’m not done yet.” She faced Alexis again and spoke. “When my husband and I first met, I was single. But he was already in a relationship. Not married, nothing serious, but he was casually dating someone. And I saw him. We talked. We clicked. I went after him. I spoke us into existence. That’s what I do. And I worked hard at it. We were married. I probably loved him more than he loved me at first, but he grew to love me. He grew to understand the things I wanted and needed from him. And he gave them to me. He did an excellent job making me, us, look good. But after we had the baby, things shifted. I started feeling like a single mom. His contracting business felt like the new ‘outside’ baby, a kid by another woman that I had to learn how to deal with because he was spending so much time with the ‘kid.’ He was loving that kid, and I felt like he loved that other child way more than he loved me. I got scared. I hold on to the ledges when I’m scared. And maybe, just maybe, the tight grip I had made him feel trapped, and it scared him away.”

  “Look, I already feel like crap and listening to you pour out your heart, Kiara. All I can say is, thank you for sharing that with me. We seem like two different women, but I think we have more in common than you think.”

  “Oh, thank you very much for that. That really makes me feel so special.”

  “No, I need you to please believe that I’m as much a victim as you are. But I’m not like Nicole. I won’t cause you any trouble. I-I—”

  “I-I, shut up!”

  Kiara handed Hayley to her mother and gave the child a stony, miserable look. Even she couldn’t deny the resemblance. Rashad’s lips, eyes, and ears, the dimples in her tiny fingers.

  “Ghetto twins.” She laughed and discreetly caressed her belly. “My husband, the overachiever. Who else can go from one child to four in a few months? I gotta get out of here.”

  Alexis was still full of questions. Did she still have a job? Would she be forced to type up her own termination letter? But a blank expression rolled down Kiara’s face like a theater curtain going down after the final act, except Alexis couldn’t hear any applause.

  Chapter 23

  Kiara left work two hours early the day she saw Hayley. She could not bear to be in the office any longer. She had so much energy she felt like going home and cooking a big meal, for herself, Myles, and the unborn child. She was in the kitchen trying to remove the tray of cornbread, but pain shot through her knees whenever she tried to squat.

  “Myles!”

  “Yes, Mommy.”

  “Be my little man and grab that oven mitt, open the door, pull it as hard as you can, and take the mitt and get the cornbread out before it burns.”

  “Okay.”

  Little Myles stuck his tongue out the corner of his mouth and pulled open the heavy metal door with all his might. He skillfully removed the metal pan and stood on his heels as he set the baked bread on the counter just like Kiara instructed him.

  “You’re my little buddy. Thank you, my love.”

  A few minutes later Rashad came and rang the doorbell. She had taken his key but let him come in if she was there and he needed access to his clothes or other belongings. He still lived with her, but she told him he’d have to get out soon. So much of her situation reminded her of Mama Flora that she wanted to laugh.

  Kiara opened the door and let Rashad in.

  “I gotta hit the shower and head back out. I know you want me to get out but this is about to be a real busy week. And no, I’m not lying. I will show you the quotes that I issued recently.”

  “I believe you. Do your thing, king.”

  He ignored her sarcasm and ran to the master bedroom. After a few minutes she heard the sound of the shower running. Rashad took long showers.

  Kiara went to her closet and retrieved an iPhone she’d secretly purchased just for one specific reason. She powered up the phone and went outside to Rashad’s work van. Just like she suspected, he forgot to secure the locks. She opened the front door and slid her iPhone underneath his driver’s seat. She quietly closed the van door and returned to the kitchen.

  Rashad was still in the shower. She could hear him loudly singing the lyrics of “Make the Money” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.

  When he emerged dressed and smelling good, she called out to him right before he escaped through the front door.

  “You need to take time to find another place to live. Even check into a hotel. I can actually help you find one.”

  He sighed. “Kiara, okay, okay. You know I’d rather us work things out.”

  “That’s not going to work. I’m giving you two more days. Then you must leave.”

  “All right.” He pouted. “I’m running late. Bye.”

  Kiara waited a half hour before she logged onto her tablet. She signed into iCloud. She clicked the Find My iPhone icon.

  She closed her eyes and held her breath as the page loaded. A map appeared. A blue flashing dot displayed on the screen.

  She called out to Myles and told him to put on his jacket. For a mid-October date, it was surprisingly chilly outside and raining. But she was going anyway.

  She printed a copy of the map location, took out her main cell phone and turned on her GPS. Soon she was on her way.

  Kiara drove calmly and steadily down the wet and slippery highway.

  When she arrived at the location on the map, she quickly saw Rashad’s white van. It was parked in the driveway of a little house. Her heart beat out of its chest as she stepped out of the car. She saw Nicole’s Mustang and her heart dropped.

  “So this is where she really lives.” She jotted down the address.

  Kiara walked up to the door, stood on the welcome mat, and stared through the
front window. The curtains weren’t drawn and she could easily peer through the miniblinds. She saw Rashad first. He was shirtless. His bare chest was exposed as if everything he had could be claimed by whoever would have it. She gasped. Nicole Greene was holding a spoon in her hand. She lifted it to Rashad’s mouth. He licked the food off the spoon, chewed it, said something to her, and leaned in for a kiss.

  Kiara watched her husband’s lips press against another woman’s. His comfortable appearance made it seem like he’d kissed Nicole a thousand times. Bile rose in Kiara’s throat. She wanted to leave, but she kept watching.

  She saw Nicole wrap her arms around Rashad’s neck. She saw the joyous grin the woman offered to him.

  She’s in love with my husband.

  “Is that Daddy in there?”

  Kiara quickly said no and covered her son’s eyes. But she kept watching.

  She observed their body language. They stood close to each other, like familiar territory. She saw Rashad’s mouth move like he was telling Nicole something. She saw Nicole laugh and reach up to caress his head; she stroked his hair and touched his body as if she owned him.

  Then Nicole took Rashad’s hand and placed it against her belly. He bent over and kissed it.

  Kiara snatched Myles’s hand. She dragged him into the car. The rain fell on their heads. She didn’t tell him to put on his seat belt. And she forgot to put on hers. She started the ignition and began to slowly drive away from Nicole’s house. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed Rashad’s number.

  “Pick up.”

  He didn’t pick up.

  She hung up and called him back.

  It rang and rang.

  She hung up and called him again.

  She dialed Rashad’s number eleven times before he answered.

  “Hey.” His voice sounded muffled.

  “Where are you?”

  “Working.”

  “Working where?”

  “Same old same ole.”

  “Are you alone?”

  “No.”

  “Who else is there?”

  “Me and some of my men. Why? What’s with all the questions?”

  “Are you at her house?”

  “Her who?”

  Kiara hung up.

  A few hours later, Rashad drove his white van into the driveway of their meticulous home. The lawn was perfectly mowed. Beautiful gold and purple flowers lined the sidewalk leading up to their house. He turned off his cell phone right after he’d picked up a call from Nicole. She’d been crying and saying she missed him and that she wanted him to spend the night with her and their unborn baby. He told her he would and got off the phone. Then he mentally switched gears. In his mind, Fresno was headquarters. No matter where else he spent time, Fresno had always been home.

  He walked into the house and checked the mail in the front hallway. Nothing.

  The song “Tyrone” by Erykah Badu was loudly playing on repeat.

  Rashad sniffed and detected the aroma of his favorite dinner. His nose led him into the kitchen. Just when he was about to open the refrigerator to grab a beer, Kiara appeared from nowhere.

  “Stop it.”

  “What are you talking about ‘stop it’?”

  “There’s nothing in there, in here, for you, Rashad. You best be on your way.”

  “Here you go again. How many times do I gotta—?”

  “I finally realized, Rashad. You don’t get me.”

  “Kiara, I heard you.”

  “You hear me but you don’t hear. You don’t get me . . . and Nicole Greene, too. That’s not dope.”

  “What—”

  “You think it’s okay to stick your tool in a woman’s hole whenever you get the urge. Call yourself taking a break.” She paused. “I know about your ‘break’ baby.”

  “What break, baby?”

  “Rashad, stop the lying. I know about your daughter. Hayley. I met her. Alexis confessed. The child looks just like y’all. How could you do this to me? How can you put on this façade all these years?”

  “Babe, it’s not what you think—”

  “I don’t want to hear it. You don’t have break babies on me, you hear me. We have never been on a break.”

  He stood there looking as stupid as he had ever looked. At that moment, Kiara hated her husband. It was a feeling she never thought she could have for someone whom she’d loved with all her soul.

  Rashad attempted to hug her. Kiara balled up her fist and beat his chest with her hands. “I hate you for what you’ve done to us. Don’t you touch me ever again. You hear me?”

  “Don’t hate me. Please. I know I fucked up. Sorry.”

  Something in her broke. She realized his weak apology was the only confession she’d ever get out of this man.

  “I’m not taking the foolery and the mayhem anymore. You’ve got to get out. I don’t care where you go, but I will not live with your disrespect one minute longer.”

  “This is my house, my family. I ain’t going anywhere.”

  “I can use a butcher knife, a hammer, or some hot grits. Take your pick.”

  Rashad saw the lifeless look in Kiara’s eyes. He stormed away and quickly packed his belongings, stuffing clothes in garbage bags; the makeshift luggage for a man kicked to the curb. Erykah Badu’s authoritative voice could be heard singing “Tyrone” in the background, telling her man to come get his shit.

  Before Rashad left, he twisted the knob on the front door and looked back to stare. Kiara never met the gaze of his eyes. She just pointed.

  “You know the way out.”

  He slammed the door behind him and left a hollow echo. Paint chips fell from the ceiling and crashed to the floor. The impact felt instant and irreversible. The house was eerily quiet, his dresser drawers empty. Even his scent was fading away.

  “I love you, but you’re an ass.”

  Hot tears streamed from her eyes, spread across her cheeks and dripped from her chin. Salty liquid filled her mouth.

  Kiara’s husband was gone. Life as she knew it was ending. But she wasn’t afraid. Fear couldn’t win anymore.

  She wiped away her tears until she could think clearly. She picked up her iPhone and dialed a number.

  “Hello?”

  “You wanted him. You got him.”

  Chapter 24

  Rashad was at a crossroads. Even though he promised he’d never get rid of any of the women in his life, he knew it was impossible to live that way. Something had to give. He knew he’d blown it with Kiara and he felt regretful. She really was a good woman. And he wanted to try to be a better husband, but pussy was his weakness. Selfishness was his vice. He decided he needed to do something different. He would intentionally hurt someone in order to save himself. It scared him to become a man who was different than his dad, but he would give it a try.

  So he stayed at a motel the night that Kiara kicked him out of the house. He lay around all night long tossing turning and thinking. The next afternoon after he checked out, he drove around for hours. His cell phone was off all that night and day. But suddenly, his mind was more clear. He powered up his phone. Only Nicole had tried to contact him. He neglected to read her messages. Instead, he typed up a text and then pressed send. It read:

  Hey. We need to talk. Can u pls meet me today at 4 at the spot.

  Nicole texted him back.

  K. What you want me to wear?

  Right before he could respond, his cell phone rang.

  It was Alexis, “Hey. I got your text. I’m assuming this is about Hayley. I can meet you but I will be running twenty minutes late.”

  For the first time in his life, Rashad wanted to die. He didn’t mean to send a group text. And he couldn’t be in two places at one time. Or could he?

  Which woman should I go meet? Which one will I eliminate? I feel like a judge on Chopped.

  He decided to meet Alexis. Since Nicole was the more emotional one, he’d deal with her later.

  He got to the restaurant before she
did. Hayley was with her. He smiled and turned off his phone.

  “Hey, Rashad, what’s up. You texted the wrong woman.” She smiled. “I saw it was a group text, but the facetious side of me decided to meet you anyway.”

  “Oh, yeah.” He blushed with embarrassment. Alexis acted hard but Rashad felt she was so chill in spite of her spunky attitude. “You know you ain’t right, but I’m glad you met me anyway. I’m here just to try and gain some understanding. Try and be a better man.”

  “Oh, really? How will you accomplish that?”

  “I came to give you my blessing.”

  Alexis yelped and laughed. “Thank you for that, Jesus.”

  “Seriously. I don’t have a right to keep you from your happiness. If dude makes you happy, go for it.”

  “Wow! I’m touched. I am skeptical, but touched.”

  He laughed too, knowing he probably sounded foolish. “I know you think I’m bugging. This new me will take time. You ain’t used to this type of Rashad Eason.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  Rashad felt like a burden had been lifted. Maybe he needed to be more truthful so everyone could be happier. . . including himself.

  “But you’re used to this Rashad. Order whatever y’all want from the menu. Last night, Kiara pushed me out the nest. And can you believe she cooked and did not even let me eat one green bean? I fasted all day like a Roman Catholic. So I’m starving, too.”

  “Let’s eat,” Hayley yelled.

  “Let’s.” Alexis smiled. For a minute she felt sorry for Rashad. He looked like hell. But it was his own entire fault. She told him that she appreciated his honesty, and confessed she was ready for something different, too. And that it did include her new man, Varnell Chester Augustus Brown.

  It felt good for both of them to just talk to each other like adults with no arguing. They ate and enjoyed a nice, pleasant conversation.

  An hour later he powered on his phone.

  Frantic texts started loading. All from one woman.

  Where R U?

  I came to the spot. U weren’t here. What’s up?