by Guy Lilburne
“Bone for dog!” I said to the lady behind the fresh meat stall. She looked at me with a blank expression.
“Bone for dog,” I repeated and added “Woof, woof,” as an afterthought.
The woman shook her head now totally confused. I decided to use the international sign language of charades. I started barking and then pretended to chew away at the bone in my forearm. Now I thought that was a great way to show the woman what I wanted, but she just looked scared and then shouted to the woman at the next stall. I repeated my performance for her. Both women started to laugh nervously and just shook their heads. It was obvious that they didn’t have any marrow bones or that they were just no good at charades. So I took my shopping home before heading off along the Sukhumvit Road into Pattaya to do some serious furniture shopping. I bought a lovely brown leather reclining suite, two huge flat-screen TV’s, new bedding for both bedrooms and everything I would need for the kitchen and I arranged for True Vision to come and fit a satellite dish. I treated myself to the premium package so I could get all the live premier league games and a great selection of movies. All the stuff was delivered the same day and the TV people came the next day to fit the dish. The house was just as I wanted it now. It was perfect - well for me anyway. I had a little table and two chairs on the balcony at the side of the house, which I used as a writing table and I spent many hours sitting there. I loved the view and the sea breeze kept it cool. In fact the cover of this book is the view from my writing table. I took the photo myself one evening while I was writing this book. What an office! I had started to settle into the quiet village life and I made friends with a lot of people. There were a few farang who had married Thai women and opened up a bar or restaurant in Bang Saray, but it was still very much a Thai village and I liked it like that. I usually had breakfast of coffee and orange juice at my writing table, but on Tuesdays and Saturdays I liked to have a cooked breakfast at the Mokador coffee shop, which was my friend Jim Dixon’s place. I liked to watch the market over the road.
I loved the Thai markets. They reminded me of the markets in England back in the 1960’s when I was a child. The Thai markets were always busy. I loved the sights and sounds. They sold just about everything you could ever think of and a lot of things that you would never think of - frogs, snakes, lizards, turtles, just about anything that can be eaten. In Bang Saray we were spoiled for fresh sea food - lobster, crab, prawn and every fish you can imagine were for sale. All caught fresh from the sea. Fresh meat slaughtered that morning and all kinds of exotic fruits, vegetables, herbs and spices. There was so much colour everywhere, and so many smells of fresh food and food being cooked and sold. The chatter and clatter of the market. I always find that a Thai market stimulates all the senses and I just loved them. I can walk around a Thai market for hours doing my shopping for food and other goods. They sell copy DVD’s, clothes, watches, belts, bags and buckles! I have never been to a market in Thailand that hasn’t had somebody with one or more limbs missing. They drag themselves around on a small wooden board that has been fitted with wheels and beg for money. I think they spend each day going around all the local markets. I usually put a few baht in their cup. You sometimes get young women breastfeeding a baby and holding out a cup for a few baht, but I don’t like giving to these people. The longer you are in Thailand the more you notice that the women are always there in the same places but the baby never gets any older. I’m convinced that the babies are either borrowed or stolen just for the job. I went around a market in Ban Ampur, the next village along the Sukhumvit from Bang Saray. There was a big fat woman sitting on the ground begging with a big KFC cola cup. She had obviously just eaten the KFC. She was huge and dressed in a nice flowery dress. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her and she looked like she had never missed a meal in her life, but she was begging! She held out the cup to me gripped with her chubby fingers. On each finger was a gold ring. I was astounded. If I could speak Thai better I would have just said to her “You’re having a laugh aren’t you?” but I didn’t know how to say this in Thai. So I said nothing and just shook my head, doing little to hide my disgust. There is one man who begs in the Thepprasit market, near to Tesco lotus just off the Sukhumvit Road in Pattaya. If you have ever been there, you will have seen him. He always wears green camouflaged shorts. He sits on his board. He has one arm and no legs and is blind in one eye. I have no idea how he became that way, but it always breaks my heart to see him and I always have to put money in his cup. We smile to each other now when we see each other. I think about him a lot, I don’t think his life can be so great. I hope that he has some happiness in his life! My favourite market of all is Soi Bakou market in Pattaya. It’s a huge market that sells absolutely everything. You can kit yourself out in designer shoes, designer underwear, designer clothes, a Rolex watch and go home carrying a bag full of all the latest movie releases on DVD - all for just a few thousand baht. I like Soi Buakaow itself. A lot of expats seem to settle along the soi or very near to it and, at any time of the day and night, you can see them all sitting in the bars and restaurants with the Thai ladies. I like people watching, so I love this place. I like to go early in the morning when it’s not too hot and the market isn’t too busy. Then I usually go for a breakfast somewhere along the soi. It is always a great day out for me.
I had become friends with all the bar-owners in Bang Saray. It was a small village and it didn’t take very long to get to know everyone, including all the expats who lived in or around the village. They would also frequent the bars and cafes, along with the tourists who decided they wanted a quieter holiday away from the busy streets and bars of Pattaya. Another place that I would spend a lot of time was ‘This Way Bar’, which was Tony and Lek’s bar at the top end of the High Street. They also did a great breakfast and I could sit there for hours using my laptop and watching the world go by. I had retired from the police and was now living in Bang Saray full time and I had never been happier. On my very last trip back from England I decided to treat myself and I travelled Business Class with Emirates. I would highly recommend it. The long haul flight, which I always hated, was a delight. I had my own wide screen TV and drinks cabinet and the seat converted into a bed. Fantastic!
One of my Thai friends was a girl called Nana. The first night that I met her I was playing pool in one of the market bars in Jomtien. She turned up on the back of a motorbike being driven by another girl, who was wearing the shortest dress that I have ever seen. The driver introduced Nana to the mamasan behind the bar and, after a short conversation, Nana went off to the toilet and changed out of her jeans and tee shirt into a little black dress. She had let her hair down and applied some make-up and came back into the bar. She looked amazing and so very sexy. We smiled at each other and she came over to me. She spoke in perfect English.
“Hi, my name is Nana.”
“Hi! My name is Guy. Is this your first night working in a bar?”
“My God! You think I am a bar girl?”
“I sort of got that impression.”
“I have a job. I work in a factory in Bangkok. I make sports shoes.”
“Oh! Sorry. I just assumed that you came to this bar to work.”
“Yes I did, but I only do sometimes when I need more money for clothes or a new motorbike or to send to my papa for his farm.”
“So you are a bar girl then?”
“No. I only do this part time sometimes. I am not a bar girl.”
“Okay!”
“I am just here for the weekend. I go back to factory on Monday.”
“Okay!”
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”
“How much do you charge?”
“1000 baht.”
“No, I’m Ok, but thank you.”
“Okay. How much do you want to give?”
“It’s not the price. I just wondered how much you charged. I’m not real
ly looking for a bar girl.”
“Okay. You buy me drink and we play pool.”
“Okay,” I laughed and we played pool until she got a customer. I liked Nana. She was an attractive girl and she was funny and intelligent. She was also a great pool player. She was a bit of a tomboy really. She told me all about her life. Her mum and her brother had both died the year before and now there was just her and her father. He had a farm near Phetchabun and she worked in the factory in Bangkok, but supplemented her income when she needed to, or wanted to! She was a very confident and outgoing character and, for a Thai girl, she had big breasts, which she delighted in telling me were ‘Original - not silicone’. We just sort of made friends and I was always delighted to see her again when she turned up in Jomtien for a weekend. She never described these weekends as working weekends. She always called it a holiday, but said that she wanted to earn some money to pay for the holiday. It always made me smile.
One weekend Nana asked if I would take her to see my house. I said no, but she told me that she didn’t want any money. She just wanted to relax and have a holiday and not earn money to pay for it. When a pretty Thai girl smiles at you in such a seductive way it is very hard to say no. So I agreed and Nana stayed the weekend at my house. I have to say that she was great company and she kept the house clean and she enjoyed fishing off the pier. I also have to say that she was a lot better at it than me and that night we had lots of fresh fish to BBQ. A few weeks later she rang me to tell me that she was coming for the weekend again, but wanted to go camping and asked if I wanted to go with her.
Now Thai people like camping and I have seen many Thai people camping around lakes or rivers. They usually don’t have a tent and will hang some plastic sheeting between some trees if they need cover and just make a camp fire to cook. They will have a pick-up truck full of beer and fresh water and little else. They eat what they catch from the lake and what they can pick from the trees and bushes. There are always coconut trees and banana trees and lots of edible stuff, so they never go hungry. But to be honest, I am more of a 5 star hotel sort of person. Camping in Thailand is Ok if you are Bear Grylls or SAS trained. There are creatures in Thailand that can bite you, poison you, attack you and even eat you. They have big snakes here! They have wild animals and they still even have tigers and elephants living wild in Thailand. So the whole idea of camping was not high on my ‘To do’ list.
“Have you got a tent?” I asked, trying to sound as if I was considering the idea.
“Not need. We can make when we camp.”
“No. If I am going camping I need a tent to camp in.”
“Okay. No problem. We can buy in Big C. Not too much money.”
And that was it. It appeared that I had agreed to go camping! Nana arrived on the Friday afternoon and we went shopping to Big C on the Sukhumvit Road, Pattaya.
There was loads of camping equipment for sale. Nana said that we didn’t need any of it, but for a few thousand Baht, I bought a tent, a gas cooker, two chairs, two sleeping bags, an inflatable mattress, a battery/solar powered torch, a battery/solar powered fan, a cool box, some camping pots and pans and a kettle. We also bought some food, lots of packet soups and drinks to take with us. I have to say I was actually getting quite excited about the whole adventure.
We set off into the wilderness. Well, not exactly the wilderness. We were somewhere in Chon Buri province. We had driven for about an hour towards Sa Koaw and then pulled off the road a little way and made camp by the side of a lake on the edge of some jungle. We had only just finished putting up the small tent and started gathering wood for a camp fire when some old Thai man turned up and wanted 50 baht for us to camp on his land for the night. He also said that we could catch and eat fish from his lake - a bargain for 50 baht. He smiled a lot and nodded at me a lot. I nodded back. I liked him. He left us only to come back 20 minutes later with a pan of rice. What a nice chap!
“We should have brought the fishing rods,” I said to Nana.
“No need,” she said with a smile on her face. She pulled a little plastic bag from her handbag, which contained fishing line and hooks and some polystyrene. She disappeared into the jungle and came back a few minutes later with two long sticks, which she fashioned into rods and tied the fishing line with hooks. She used bits of polystyrene as floats. Amazing! It was late afternoon and we had a few beers and started fishing. My rod wasn’t very good and I didn’t catch anything, but Nana had obviously made a better rod for herself and caught a big fish and she gutted it on a rock near the water’s edge. Its guts seemed to consist of nothing else but mud. She washed it in the water and we cooked it on the camp fire. I have to say that it smelt great when it was cooking, but it tasted like shit; muddy shit! I made myself some packet soup and Nana ate the fish. It started getting dark and the evening turned into night. The camp fire was lovely and we drank a few more beers. Nana decided to strip off and wash in the lake, but I didn’t fancy washing in fish guts and God knows what else was in the water, so I didn’t bother. I had a few Sangsom and cokes and we were ready for an alcohol assisted sleep. The tent was like a sauna, so we slept naked on top of the sleeping bags, but at least the fan moved the hot air around the tent. It was like sleeping in a fan assisted oven, but the alcohol helped sleep come quickly. It might have helped sleep come quickly but it didn’t help it stay very long!
I awoke and it was still pitch black. I hoped that it was nearly morning and thought that it must be about 4:30am. I found the torch and checked my watch. To my horror it was only 10:00pm. I lay there in the darkness and tried to find sleep again, but there was a lot of stuff going on outside the tent. I could hear someone or something splashing in the lake and creatures moving around outside the tent. The tent was hot, very hot, and the fan was not helping very much. We were being cooked; slow roasted. We must have smelt delicious to all the creatures in the jungle. Nana lay there gently snoring. I shook her until she stopped.
“Are you awake?” I asked when the snoring stopped, but she didn’t answer.
I just couldn’t lay there anymore waiting to be eaten by something!
I pulled my shorts on and went outside into the wilderness, armed only with a torch.
“I may be some time,” I said for dramatic effect, but got no response from Nana.
I managed to get the camp fire going again and I have to say that there was something very comforting about it. There were hundreds of little white eyes watching me from the jungle and they were moving in a very eerie way. Okay, they were only fire flies, but they looked like strange jungle creatures! I drank some more Sangsom and sat by the fire until 4:00am and then I went and slept in the car. The air conditioning was fantastic and I managed another couple of hours sleep before I went back to the tent and shook Nana awake. I still haven’t decided if I like camping or not, but I haven’t done it again since.
My first Christmas in Thailand was the best one I had had in a long time. Although Thailand is a Buddhist country and they don’t really celebrate the Christian festival, the Thai people love a party and they will celebrate anything if it means having a good time. All the shops and stalls had been decorated with Christmas trees and lights. Everybody said ‘Merry Christmas’, which they pronounce as ‘Melly Clishmas’ and all of the bar girls were wearing sexy little Santa suits. The weather was fantastic of course and it was hot, hot, hot! The American Fox channel was showing lots of Christmas films and TV shows and I bought a little artificial Christmas tree for my house. In the build up to Christmas I was travelling around Thailand a lot. I spent most of December travelling. I stayed on the beautiful islands of Koh Chang and Koh Samet, enjoyed tropical beaches and the most fantastic sunsets. I also travelled ‘up country’ to the north of Thailand. A few days before Christmas day I was driving back to Bang Saray when I decided, on impulse, to visit Bang Saen. Bang Saen is about 30 minutes’ drive north of Pattaya along the Sukhumvit Road. It is
a beach resort popular with Thai people from Bangkok. I was delighted when I got there because they were having their annual three day motor racing festival. A road circuit had been made around the town which included some of the impressive coastal road. Over the three days they raced everything from fast cars to old bangers and trucks. There were grandstands all around the circuit and you could walk around the circuit, with bridges allowing you to cross over the track to the inside if you wanted to. The TV cameras were there and a lot of Thai TV personalities, actors, actresses and famous sports people were also there. I spent each day watching the racing and each night watching it all again on the TV in my hotel room. I took some photos of famous Thai people being interviewed at track side, but I couldn’t really tell you who they were. It was a fantastic three day event and best of all it was all free. If you are ever in the area in December you really should go and have a look! My friend Jules Lee had invited me to go to his bar for Christmas Day dinner with about 50 other invited guests. It was a lovely day and a lovely turkey dinner. Very traditional. Well, except for the hot weather and beautiful Thai ladies everywhere you looked. I had decided to book myself into a local hotel, because I didn’t want to drink and drive. After a great day at Jules’s place I went to the beach and later wandered around some bars. It was a Merry old Christmas! Everybody was in the festive mood and having a great time around the bars. I have no idea what time I eventually got to bed, but I know I did get to bed, because I awoke in the hotel bedroom on Boxing Day morning. I walked along the Beach Road and found a little place that did an English breakfast. I ate it looking out over the beach and I couldn’t stop thinking how lucky I was to be there. My life had changed so much and I was so happy.