by Guy Lilburne
“I’m sorry about your boat Les,” I said with genuine sympathy.
“Oh, don’t worry mate. It’s not the first boat I’ve smashed up.”
Somehow, I just wasn’t surprised. There is more to this sailing lark than you would think!
So, there we were, marooned. Okay, not exactly marooned. During the daylight hours a ferry runs from the harbour to the mainland every hour and eventually that was how I was going to escape. The Professor took the ferry the next morning. He wanted to make a trip up to Udon Thani to meet a girl he had been talking to on the internet. He was hoping she would be the next love of his life. He told me if it didn’t work out then he was going back to England. He had a friend who ran a ‘Fruit and Veg’ stall on a market in Skegness. He had offered him a job for four days a week and told him that he could stay in his house for free. Somehow, I think that is where he will end up before too long! Les wanted to stay on the island for a few days and see if he could salvage anything from the boat. I told him that I would stay for a few days, but I couldn’t stay in the wooden chalets any longer. So I booked myself into a nice hotel. Les made several attempts to recover the boat, which was now sunken into the sand and looking worse by the day. But nothing worked. The boat was well and truly lost. I stayed for a couple of days. Then I too had had enough and told Les that I had to get back. I caught a ferry and then took a taxi back to Bang Saray. I was home in less than two hours and I was so happy to be back at home again.
Chapter 15 - Life in a small fishing village
I had fallen in love with Bang Saray at first sight. I loved the unspoilt beach. I liked going to our rather impressive temple that held the night market every Wednesday. (The temple near the beach, not the one near the Sukhumvit Road end of the village) On the first Sunday of each month they close part of the beach road to traffic and call it ‘Walking Street’. They hold a market there. It usually coincides with the local football team playing at home. I have to say that for a Sunday league team they had a great pitch and fantastic facilities. They have a Thai man who commentates over a loud speaker system and gets very excited during the match. When he isn’t commentating he is just laughing out loud over the speakers and, even though I don’t know what he is saying, it is still funny. The pitch is just the other side of the beach road from the beach and the view out to sea is breath taking. It makes it a nice day to watch the game, have a few beers, eat some Thai food and then walk along the market. I also liked going to the open markets held on the waste land just off the High Street every Tuesday and Saturday. I liked buying fresh fish, crab and prawn from the fishermen along the quay as they unloaded their catch. I think what really made Bang Saray special for me were the people, the locals. I made friends with many people, both Thai and farang. The first thing I noticed and I’m sure that you will notice it too if you come to visit, is that nobody calls any of the bars by their real names. That is all the bars except ‘The Jasmin Bar’. This is my friend Ivar’s bar, but everyone actually calls it by its proper name - The Jasmin Bar. Ivar is from Norway and a delightful man to know. If you come to Bang Saray then you must pop in and say hello to him. You won’t be sorry. It’s the best bar in Bang Saray, with great food and a delicatessen. All the other bars have many different names. The expats will talk about ‘Tony’s bar’; the Thais will call the same bar ‘Lek’s bar’. Tony and Lek are married and the bar is actually called ‘This Way Bar’. The same applies to Nick’s bar (Sara’s bar), which is actually called ‘The Nag’s Head’. Merv’s bar (Nit’s bar) is really called ‘The Fox and Hounds’. Stuart’s bar (Ning’s bar) - actually Stuart never got around to naming his bar anything. Jim’s place is usually just called ‘Jim’s place’. Maybe that is because it’s a coffee shop. The ‘Sports Bar’ is usually just called Joe’s. To confuse things even more there is Merv’s old bar and Merv’s new bar. Stuart’s old bar and Stuart’s new bar. Nick’s old bar (The Nag’s Head) and Nick’s new bar (Just One More). There is also ‘Abbey Road’, which is Gordon’s old bar. It has also been Nick’s old bar and Stuart’s old bar and it hasn’t actually been called ‘Abbey Road’ for years. The singer Jay Kay of Jamiroquai fame came to drink in the bar when it was called ‘Abbey Road’. Bang Saray also boasts a world class recording studio - Karma Sound Studio. Jamiroquai were recording there, and it has been visited by many famous artists over the years. If you ever go to visit Bang Saray I’m sure you will find all the bars by whatever name and no doubt you will meet many of the people who I have written about.
I had started to get to know and to make friends with a lot of the local expats. There was American Mike, Gay Mike, Nick, Little Nick, Big Stuart from Stuart’s bar and Big Stuart the taxi driver from Oxford. There was Keith from the Wilkris and Keith from Keith’s bar (Kobby’s bar) really called ‘Kobby’s Kitchen’. There was Maurice the golfer, also known as Maurice the Snake man because he had a spate of Cobra snakes attacking his dogs and he tackled the snakes with a machete. His real name is Maurice Birchall. He was to become one of my best friends in Bang Saray and my regular golf partner. There was Steve and Darren and my two good friends from Yorkshire, John and Fingers Brian. He was called Fingers Brian because he was missing a few. He was also blind in one eye and still one of the best pool players who I have ever had the pleasure to play against. Even if he had lost a few more fingers and was blind in both eyes, I think he would still beat me at pool! Brian was probably my second real friend in Bang Saray. He was a very typical Yorkshire man - he said what he liked, and he liked what he said! He was a very proud man and a great wit. I always enjoyed his company. I liked his sarcastic sense of humour. It was just funny and even funnier because he said things loud enough for the people the comments were aimed at to hear. Brian was big friends with John. I think John came from Doncaster and Brian came from Barnsley, but lived in Doncaster. Although they hadn’t been big friends in England they became best friends in Thailand. They both left Thailand to go back and live in the UK on the same day. They were going back for different reasons, but decided to fly back together. I was sad when they went. I think everyone who knew them was sad. We had a party for them in Stuart’s new bar and it was well attended. They had a good send off and there were lots of good wishes and hopes that they would return to Thailand again, but I didn’t think they ever would. Thailand just didn’t work for them in the end. I hope they are both happy and well back in Doncaster! Life in Bang Saray goes on. There are many, many more people who I have become friends with in Bang Saray. Maybe you should just come and meet everyone for yourself. One of the local characters who I had the pleasure to meet was ‘Old Tony’ a retired RAF pilot. I had heard many stories about him before I actually met him. He was about 74 years of age and had retired out to Thailand some 20 years before. All the Thai ladies told me how handsome he was when he came to Thailand and it was obvious that he had gotten to know a lot of them. They all said how charming and funny he was. He had obviously been something of a ladies man! Anyway, I met him one night in ‘The Local Bar’ and he was a great character. He looked a lot older than his 74 years. I think the good life had taken its toll. We got drunk and told stories. I left him in the bar and the next morning I got a phone call from the bar owner asking me to help him to get Old Tony to hospital. Tony had managed to get home, but had fallen and spent the night on the kitchen floor after smashing his hip. I got to the house to help and a few other people were there. Tony was lying on the kitchen floor having a drink of whisky and a cigarette. I waited patiently in respect for his age, but when he lit up another cigarette and had someone pour him more whisky I got bored and told him that he either went to hospital with us right at that moment, or I was going home and not waiting anymore.
“I’m in no rush. I won’t be coming back from the hospital,” said Tony with no emotion in his voice. But his words struck me anyway.
“Are you Ok matey?” I asked.
“Do me a favour Guy and make me a character in one of you
r books. That way I will live forever.”
“Ok. No problem.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.” I realised he was serious.
We shook hands on it and then between us all we managed to get him into a car and took him off to hospital. He was in a lot of pain and I got the feeling that this was more serious than we first thought. Old Tony died in hospital the next day and by the end of the week I was at his funeral in Sattahip.
(It took a couple of years, but in 2015 I started writing a book called ‘Living the Dream’. It’s a story about a group of 70 something year olds living as expats in Thailand. They spend much of their time sitting in their local bar in Pattaya, playing dominos and putting the world to rights. They get into more scrapes and adventures than most old men should and they have become a band of brothers who believe they are living the dream! Old Tony a retired RAF pilot is one of the characters. RIP Tony)
My time was spent writing and generally just coming and going as I pleased. I hired a car when I wanted to travel any sort of big distance and I had hired a motorbike long term from Tony to get me around the village and Pattaya. I thought the time had come to buy my own bike. Many people in Thailand will tell you that you cannot own a house or even buy a motorbike or car in your own name, but that is nonsense. You just have to know how. I’ve known many farang who didn’t know how, or just thought that it was easier to buy everything in their Thai wife or girlfriend’s name. That is all well and good if they are to remain your wife or girlfriend, but if they don’t, you run the risk of losing everything. I have met so many men who have done just that….lost everything!
Anyway, I wanted to buy a bike so, first of all, I had to decide which one. There are so many choices and the bikes all look good. I liked the Honda Click. Automatic, 125 cc - a really nice looking machine. I liked it, but I also liked the big Honda PCX 150 that Jim would ride around the village. Jim always wore a nice shirt open at the collar. He was a handsome man and always wore dark sunglasses. He would ride his bike with his feet high up on the foot wells - a sort of easy rider position. Yes, he definitely had something of the Steve McQueen about him did Jim. I didn’t have Jim’s movie star looks, but at least I could have a nice bike like him. I saw a PCX in black with a deep red coloured seat and I just had to have it.
Ok, here it goes! To buy a motorbike or a car in your own name you need a Thai driving licence, a permanent address, a certificate of residence x 2, (one for the driving licence and one to buy your motorbike. If you also want a license for a car and want to buy a car then you need 4 certificates!), your passport with a current retirement/marriage/work or resident visa and, of course, the cash to buy it. It still amazes me how many places won’t accept credit or even debit cards for any big purchase.
I already had my Thai address, retirement visa and the cash, so I just needed the other stuff. Getting the certificates of address was easy enough. I had to go to the Immigration office and fill out the necessary form with two colour photographs of myself for each certificate, provide them with proof of my address and of course a copy of my passport for each certificate. The certificates cost about 200 baht each. Then to actually get my driving licences for a motorbike and a car I had to also get a medical certificate from a doctor for each licence. I never liked going to the doctors very much at the best of times and I wasn’t looking forward to it this time, but it just had to be done. I mentally prepared myself and went along to my local clinic. I didn’t have to worry. I went into the clinic and explained to the receptionist that I needed two medical certificates to be able to get my Thai driving licences. There were a lot of Thai people sitting in the waiting area so I thought that I might be there some time.
“No problem,” said the smiling receptionist. She opened a drawer and pulled out a pile medical certificates pre signed by the doctor. She filled in my name from my passport and dated and stamped the two certificates.
“Two hundred baht,” she said.
“Oh!” I said. “Is that it?”
“Yes. Two hundred baht please.”
I paid her and walked out with my two medical certificates. According to the certificates the doctor had examined me that date and found that I was free from the following diseases: Leprosy, Tuberculosis, Elephantiasis, Drug Addiction & Alcoholism. It also stated that I was in ‘Good physical and mental health and free from any defect’. I was relieved and also delighted that I was in such perfect health. And all for 200 baht. I think the NHS (National Health Service) back in England could learn a lot from Thailand and think how much time they could save. It might be a great way to cut waiting times!
So that was it. I had everything I needed. Now all I had to do was to attend the Test Centre and actually take my driving tests.
The test centre is in Bang Lamung, about 20 minutes north of central Pattaya. It is also the main vehicle registration centre, so it was a busy place. There were hundreds of Thai people sitting around reading a Thai Highway Code book and maybe about eighty other farang, who weren’t reading anything! I don’t know how many driving tests a test centre in the UK would do in a day. I would guess that if they had eight examiners they might do six each - so maybe a total of 48 a day. In Thailand a test centre will test hundreds or even thousands of people in a day. You are sort of just herded through the process like cattle. Thais and farangs alike!
I turned up with all my documents and I actually had everything that I needed, so that was the first test over. Then I had to do an eye test and a colour blindness test. Easy peasy! I passed both. Then you have to do a reaction test and slam your foot down on a brake when the green light turns to red. At the side of that a small green light shoots up a row of small bulbs and if you are not quick enough it then turns to red and you have failed the test! The final test is a distance perception test. You have to put your face up to a screen and look through some fixed binoculars. A green light moves away from you at the same time as a red light moves towards you. When the two lights are aligned you have to press a button to stop them. You have a small margin of error to play with! Each test station is manned by officials from the test centre and it all seems quite daunting. But there are thousands of people being herded through these tests and the officials all seem bored to death. As the morning rolled on I realised that I hadn’t seen them fail anyone. There was a very old farang in front of me who had been brought in by his Thai wife and he couldn’t even walk unassisted. He looked about 115 years old, but I guessed that he was probably only about 92. At the eye sight tests he just kept shouting “Pardon.” to everything the Thai official asked him, so he didn’t actually say a single number or letter that he was supposed to be looking at! Everyone was laughing except for the frustrated and bored Thai official, who eventually shrugged her shoulders and waved him onto the next test station. At the reaction and perception tests he fared no better. It must have been a full 10 seconds after the fail lights came on that he managed to press anything. The hundreds of waiting people queuing up behind me were holding their sides and laughing until they had tears in their eyes. It was hilarious! He passed these tests to. I had no idea what you actually had to do to fail, but then I found out!
After these tests were done, which took a few hours just because of the number of people taking the tests, you had to go outside to the rear of the building. There was a test track laid out, which consisted of a few turns and bumps, some traffic cones, a raised beam about six inches wide and a couple of stop signs at junctions. In the middle of the track was the test examiner in a uniform that made him look like a security guard. He had a whistle and, as anyone who has ever been to Thailand will know, give a Thai man a whistle and he’ll happily blow the bloody thing all day long!
Anyway, the idea is you start the motorbike, drive in a straight line then do a left turn onto the track. You drive over a few bumps and make a few turns around the course. Then you drive along the raised beam, d
o a stop at the stop signs, putting both feet on the ground when you do. Then you follow the course around the front of the building and out of sight of the examiner, drive out of the gate, along the road, back into the other entrance gate and back up to the start of the course. That was the theory, but once out of sight of the examiner everyone just cuts across the car park at the front of the building and back towards the examiner. Nobody seems to notice that we all complete the course in record times. Maybe they think we ride like Valentino Rossi when we are out on the main road!
People were starting the course at 10 second intervals, so there was a constant stream of people on bikes going around the course. Really it would have been impossible for the examiner to watch all these riders. There was a very nice lady from Canada who had just moved to come and live in Pattaya. She was the rider in front of me. She had borrowed a bike from a young Norwegian man, because she didn’t have her own or a rented one. On the signal she started the bike and headed off towards the start of the course, but she was wobbling a lot as she set off and, as she got nearer the start of the course, she just kept going faster and faster. I knew that she was never going to be able to make the left turn onto the course at the speed she was going and the only alternative was to crash into the 8ft brick wall that was in front of her. She started screaming as she continued to accelerate towards the wall. Everyone stopped and watched her as she smashed into the wall at about 50kph. The bike was smashed up and so was she. She lay bleeding and crying on the ground. Her arm was clearly broken and she had a nasty gash on her leg. It was a shocking scene really and the woman quite clearly had never ridden a motorbike in her life! The examining official came running from his box in the middle of the circuit blowing his whistle. I thought he was going to take charge of the emergency, but he didn’t. He just stood over the poor woman wagging his finger at her.