by Quinn Loftis
“It’s just that I…” Brant’s faced had taken on the color of a ripe tomato.
“Cat got your tongue?” she asked. The woman’s voice had taken on a husky drawl. “I’ve always known how to make you speechless, Brant.”
“Yeah, you have. You’re great, but—”
“What’s the matter? Can’t handle that big war hammer like you used to? I seem to recall you liked having me polish it.”
“No, no, no. Stop, no more. That’s enough.” Brant’s voice had gone up two octaves. His brow had risen to meet his hairline and his eyes were those of a frightened deer, and I got the impression he might bolt at any second.
“I’m not asking to bear your children, you big, hairy yak,” Babs barked. “I just want to have a bit ‘o fun.”
“I can’t, Babs,” he finally said after several tense moments. His voice had regained a little of its strength. “Not anymore.”
Her eyes widened, and a small smile perched on her lips. “You’ve finally found a woman?”
Brant’s face flushed. “Aye.”
“Who is she?”
Uh oh. Brant would give everything away right now if he weren’t careful. The entire plan developed at the campfire meeting a few moments ago would come unraveled if he said anything about Dayna. Our clan had just been ravaged by outsiders. We couldn’t yet tell them they would soon be asked to accept more outsiders into their midst. Thomas was one thing, but princesses claiming prominent roles in the clan was something else entirely. Not only that, the battle had widowed several clan women. The presence of foreign women taking potential mates from clan members would not be welcome.
Brant’s eyes snapped up to mine. Now it was my turn for wide eyes. I gave a small, panicked shake of my head. Not yet.
“Just someone I happened to meet, you know, while I was travelling,” Brant said, making a vague motion along the beach. “I plan to bring her here soon, but things need to be sorted out first.”
His excuse was honest enough. Thankfully, he was clever enough to refrain from mentioning that she wasn’t a Northwoman from another clan, which is hopefully what Babs thought. Maybe I didn’t give the man enough credit.
“Well, if you decide you need a little release while you’re waiting for her, you know where to find me,” she said with a wink as she sauntered off, adding an extra sway to her hips.
I couldn’t say Brant didn’t watch her walk away, but at least he didn’t lick his lips.
Brant breathed out, rubbing his face, which still held a grimace as if he were in pain. “Gods almighty.”
“Do you regret your promise to Dayna?” I asked.
His face dipped in a deep frown. “No. Why would you ask that?”
“Maybe because your face is all screwed up like you you’ve just smashed your thumb with a hammer,” I said, nodding in the direction Babs had walked.
“Please don’t mention hammers,” he groaned. “And I am in pain, but not because I want Babs,” he said incredulously. “I’m in pain because I want my woman here, safe with me, where she belongs.”
“Be careful what you wish for. What if she’d seen that shieldmaiden pressed up against you?”
“Can you imagine?” he said, his eyes growing wide again. But now his face held a sly grin. A growl rumbled in his chest. “She’d be spitting fire. I love it when she gets all possessive.” His face fell, and he pressed a fist to his chest, right above his heart. “It’s killing me, not knowing if she’s safe.”
My own stomach dropped. I knew Dayna wasn’t safe. I knew she’d been hurt, and I felt like an arse for not telling Brant.
“Why do you look like you just lost your favorite shield?” Brant asked, narrowing his eyes at me.
I sighed. “You might want to sit for this.” I motioned to the logs that were still around the fire.
“And why do I have a feeling I’m about to want to kill someone even more than I already do?”
“Because you are,” I confirmed. “You know I have a link to Allete because of the bond between us?”
He nodded.
“We’ve been able to communicate a couple of times. I never know when it’s going to happen, but once, she told me about their situation. It’s not good.” I went on to tell Brant what Allete had shared with me when our souls had met in our dreams. The longer I spoke, the more tense he became. I could tell he might snap at any moment, like a ship’s rope still tethered to the dock as the boat pulled away. Anyone in the vicinity might be injured when he did.
Brant was rightfully pissed. I should have told him sooner. If he’d known something like that about Allete, I would have expected him to tell me.
I watched as he paced around the fire, his shadow tracking him like a faithful dog. At some point during the story, he’d stood up, his emotions unable to allow him to remain still.
“We’ve got to get them back,” he finally said.
“We do,” I agreed.
“How can you just sit there as if your woman hasn’t been stabbed or tortured at the hands of a madman? Why aren’t we already on our way to get them? If we leave them much longer, there might not be anyone to rescue!”
I was on my feet and in his face in a heartbeat. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think it’s ripping me in half to choose between the woman I love and the clan I’m destined to lead! I don’t have to wonder what’s happening to her, I know what’s happening to her and I feel more helpless than I’ve ever felt in my life because I cannot help her. You question me without giving thought to what burden I bear.” My breath was coming fast. A tightness in my chest was growing, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Taking out my pain on Brant wasn’t going to do any good, but I was furious that he would question me. I wanted nothing more than for Allete to be safe by my side, but I didn’t know how to make that happen and take care of the clan at the same time.
Brant held up his hands and took two steps backward. I could see the regret in his eyes, but it didn’t stop him from being angry with me.
“I shouldn’t have questioned you,” he said. “I’ve never felt anything like this for anyone, and it’s got me messed up inside.”
I let out a chuckle that was anything but humorous. “Messed up inside is putting it mildly.” I rubbed the back of my neck and tried not to let the unease I felt growing inside overwhelm me. Something was wrong with Allete.
“We good?” Brant asked.
I nodded, not sure that I could speak through the sick feeling bubbling up in my gut.
“Go get some sleep; you look like shite,” he said before turning and walking away.
Wandering a bit, I found a tree and sat at its base. I didn’t want to be confined inside a walled-in space with other bodies around me. The peace and quiet that being alone in the woods could bring was what I needed. As I closed my eyes, I prayed to the gods I’d be able to contact Allete. I’d been trying to reach out to her mind like we’d done before, but it felt as though something were blocking me. I didn’t let myself consider what that could mean. If I did, I couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to lead the clan effectively. Brant had no clue about the storm brewing inside me, slowly growing in intensity. I wasn’t sure how long I could contain it, but I knew when it came to Allete, there wasn’t anyone or anything I wouldn’t destroy for her.
“I’ve decided that running should only be done for short distances and not very often.”
~ Diary of Allete Auvray
We’d woken up entirely too early, eaten entirely too little, and were currently running entirely too quickly. So pretty much the entirety of my day was about as pleasant as wet bloomers under a wet petticoat and dress. I was tired despite having gotten a good amount of sleep, and I was ready to be done with this journey. I just wanted to be with Torben. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted my sister and Hilda safe.
“Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take us to get to Ravenscar?” Dayna asked. It was a question that had been on the tip of my tongue all morning.
“
I know we won’t be arriving there today or tomorrow—or the next day, for that matter,” Hilda replied.
“Thank you for that very specific answer. It was extremely helpful,” Dayna said dryly. I couldn’t see her face, but I was pretty sure there was an eye roll accompanying her comment.
Hilda didn’t dignify Dayna’s snark with a response. She simply kept on trekking.
* * *
The days began to run together as we didn’t come across any people for quite some time. I don’t know if it was two days or five. Sleep was miserable, and we were running low on the food Tawny had given us. Everything had been calm as we trudged through the wilderness, though it almost felt like the calm before a storm—that eerie feeling when the entire world went still and the gray sky got a greenish tint to it. It was that kind of calm.
“You okay?” Hilda asked me as we stopped to take a break. The sun was already beginning to set and we were quickly losing light, but we were also losing momentum.
“I’m good. Just tired.”
Dayna groaned as she plopped down on the ground, stretching out her body until she was flat on her back. She slung an arm across her eyes as she spoke. “How about we just start our own clan? I vote we claim this land right here. It seems like good land, right? There’s bound to be rabbits to eat, and there are tons of trees for building cabins. Everyone who agrees say ‘aye.’” She raised her hand in the air.
“You can’t just go around claiming land because you feel like it, dummy,” I said, sinking down beside her. “For all we know, this land is already claimed. And there’s only three of us, and we’re all women. It’s not like we can just procreate by ourselves and grow a clan.”
“You learn quickly,” Dayna said. “You’re already sucking the joy out of the future like an experienced Oracle.”
“That’s my girl,” Hilda chided. “She’s going to be the best joy-sucker ever.”
I huffed as I lay back, my legs bent at the knees and my hands resting on my stomach. “Being realistic is not sucking the joy out of something. It’s preventing foolish mistakes that cause pain.”
“Joy-sucker,” Dayna sang.
I reached over and pinched her side. She shrieked and batted my hand away.
“Now you’re an abusive joy-sucker. Guess there’s a first time for everything,” Dayna sighed as she pulled her hands back and scooted a little bit away from me.
“You both have been doing great,” Hilda said, her eyes full of sincerity. “You’re under a lot of stress, and you’ve already been through some horrible things. I don’t blame you for being ready to toss up a white flag. But hang in there a little lon—”
Her words cut off as she squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her hand to her forehead.
“Hilda?” I said. When she didn’t answer, just stood there pressing her hand against her head, I scrambled up and walked over to her. Part of me didn’t want to touch her because I didn’t want to startle her if she were in some sort of vision, but I was worried about her.
“Hilda, are you okay?” Dayna asked as she came to stand next to me.
She took several deep breaths before dropping her hand and opening her eyes. She looked ten years older, and the weight of the world seemed to have settled on her small shoulders.
“Sorry about that,” she said. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I just had a sudden headache come on. It hit me by surprise is all.”
I eyed her skeptically. Her words sounded sincere, but her eyes were haunted, not something a headache caused. She waved us off and began to make camp.
“Might as well go ahead and stop here for the night. I don’t think we would get much further if we kept walking,” Hilda said as she found a spot against a tree.
Tawny had given us each a small pack with a blanket in it and food. Hilda pulled out her blanket, laid it across her lap, and closed her eyes. She immediately tried to feign sleep, but I could see the tension in her shoulders. Her lips were drawn in a tight line across her face, and her hands clenched the blanket tightly to her.
“What in the pie hole is that about?” Dayna whispered, pointing to Hilda.
I shrugged. “I don’t have any idea.”
“She’s lying about being all right.”
I nodded in agreement. “But we can’t force her to tell us, so there’s no point in bugging her.”
Dayna grabbed her pack from where she’d dropped it when she’d lain down on the ground, plunged an arm inside it, and pulled out her own blanket. She found a tree opposite Hilda and planted herself in front of it. I took the tree next to Hilda and got as comfortable as one could while leaning against a tree and lying on the hard ground.
Sleep came quickly despite my worry for Hilda, and the rumble of his voice had me turning as I stood in the lush forest of my dream. “Torben,” I said, sounding ridiculously breathless. I was so glad to see him, though, I couldn’t bring myself to be embarrassed. It had been days since we’d last spoken through the bond, and I was worried something had happened to him.
“How are you?” he asked as he walked over to me and cupped my face in his large hands. His eyes were narrowed in concentration, and he seemed to be trying to see inside my mind, as if to discern if my words would be the truth.
“I’m tired,” I admitted. “We’ve been walking for days.”
“You haven’t had any trouble? Haven’t had to deal with anyone?”
“We haven’t come across any people. It’s a little strange, now that I think about it.”
“Your sister and Hilda are okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “They haven’t killed each other yet.”
“And how are you feeling?”
I held my hand up and placed my fingers across his lips to stop him. My eyes narrowed as I held his gaze. “You’re asking me a whole lot of questions, Viking, but not giving any of your own answers.”
“You haven’t asked me any questions,” Torben pointed out.
“Only because you haven’t given me time to.” I could tell something was wrong, really wrong. “What’s happened?” Before he even spoke, I could feel he didn’t want to tell me. It was as though I could read his emotions. He was filled with guilt and anger. “Torben, talk to me.”
“I was too late,” he said after several minutes of simply staring down at me.
My gut clenched as I felt his emotions flood me like a torrential rainfall. I nearly staggered under the weight of it. Torben wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me from falling and pulled me tightly to his chest. He buried his face against my neck, and his breath came in short successions.
“Too late for what?” I asked.
“To save my clan,” he said, his breath hot against my neck. “Cathal nearly burned it all to the ground. So many lives were lost, and those who were left are utterly broken.”
My arms were wrapped around his neck and I ran my fingers down his hair, trying to comfort him. I didn’t say anything because there were no words to ease the kind of anguish Torben felt. This was a man who was a natural protector. The sense of responsibility he had was not something he learned. Rather, it was simply a part of his being. In the brief time I’d spent with him, I’d gotten a glimpse of the kind of man he was. I knew his heart was shredded by the destruction of his clan. I just held him while he mourned for the loss they’d suffered, trying to reassure him through my touch that I was with him, that he didn’t have to face any of it alone. After some time, I began to hum a song that my mother had sung to me as a child when I was sad or hurt. The words were simple, but the tune was comforting. I hoped it brought him the same comfort I still found in it.
After a few minutes, Torben pulled back and looked down at me. His face was softer than it had been, and he seemed a little less tense. “I’m sorry,” I said, though the words felt completely inadequate. “You have to know that you can’t protect everyone all the time. This wasn’t your fault. If you believe nothing else, please believe that.”
He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine
. There was a tenderness in it that was completely incongruent with the rough man he was, and it was only for me. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken such joy in something so little, but I loved knowing that only I saw this side of Torben.
“I do know that,” he murmured against my mouth, “but the pain is there all the same.”
“I wish I could heal that,” I admitted. “I can heal so much, yet emotions are beyond my power.”
“No, love, you don’t need to take this pain from me. It’s the pain in life that makes us stronger, that gives us purpose when we feel powerless. Besides, I couldn’t possibly appreciate the peace you give me if I hadn’t first experienced strife.”
Our foreheads were pressed together, and it seemed as if we couldn’t get close enough to one another. “When did you become so philosophical?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Love does many things to a man.”
My heart soared at his words. It wasn’t as though I didn’t know what love was. I was well loved in my family. I’d never gone without being hugged or shown affection, but hearing it from Torben, feeling his love, was completely different. At times it made me feel as though I could fly, and at other times it paralyzed me from fear of losing him.
“Do you ever feel as though you can’t breathe because of it?” I asked.
I felt a shudder run through his large form. He nodded his head against mine. “Every second that I’m away from you.” He said nothing for a few moments, then continued. “I could say that I don’t understand how it happened, but that would be shite. I fell in love with you because of the remarkable woman you are. Wanting you and not having you is like a festering wound infecting my soul. I didn’t know this was what it felt like to desire someone more than you desire anything else. I love you, Allete. I need you to stay safe. I need you to know that I’m going to be coming for you as soon as I can.”
I shook my head. “No. You stay there. You are needed. Your clan needs your strength and leadership. Hilda, Dayna, and I can get ourselves there.” I pulled my head back and framed his face with my hands. Staring up into his handsome face, I saw my future and refused to stop fighting for it. “I love you, and we will be together soon.”