Robert very kind about London, but perhaps rather more interested in my having met Barbara Blenkinsop – which, after all, I can do almost any day in the village – than in my views on Nine till Six (the best play I have seen for ages) or remarkable increase of traffic in recent years. Tell Robert by degrees about my new clothes. He asks when I expect to wear them, and I reply that one never knows – which is only too true – and conversation closes.
Write long letter to Angela, for the express purpose of referring casually to Rose’s distinguished friends, met in London.
March 27th. – Angela replies to my letter, but says little about distinguished society in which I have been moving, and asks for full account of my impressions of Italian Exhibition. She and William, she says, went up on purpose to see it, and visited it three times. Can only say – but do not, of course, do so – that William must have been dragged there by the hair of his head.
March 28th. – Read admirable, but profoundly discouraging, article in Time and Tide relating to Bernard Shaw’s women, but applying to most of us. Realise – not for the first time – that intelligent women can perhaps best perform their duty towards their own sex by devastating process of telling them the truth about themselves. At the same time, cannot feel that I shall really enjoy hearing it. Ultimate paragraph of article, moreover, continues to haunt me most unpleasantly with reference to own undoubted vulnerability where Robin and Vicky are concerned. Have very often wondered if Mothers are not rather A Mistake altogether, and now definitely come to the conclusion that they are.
Interesting speculation as to how they might best be replaced interrupted by necessity of seeing that Fitzs. is turning out spare bedroom according to instructions. Am unspeakably disgusted at finding him sitting in spare-room armchair, with feet on the windowsill. He says that he is ‘not feeling very well’. Am much more taken aback than he is, and lose my head to the extent of replying: ‘Then go and be it in your own room’. Realise afterwards that this might have been better worded.
April 2nd. – Barbara calls. Can she, she says, speak to me in confidence? I assure her that she can, and at once put Helen Wills and kitten out of the window in order to establish confidential atmosphere. Sit, seething with excitement, in the hope that I am at least going to be told that Barbara is engaged. Try to keep this out of sight, and to maintain expression of earnest and sympathetic attention only, whilst Barbara says that it is sometimes very difficult to know which way Duty lies, that she has always thought a true woman’s highest vocation is home-making, and that the love of a Good Man is the crown of life. I say Yes, Yes, to all of this. (Discover, on thinking it over, that I do not agree with any of it, and am shocked at my own extraordinary duplicity.)
Barbara at length admits that Crosbie has asked her to marry him – he did it, she says, at the Zoo – and go out with him as his wife to the Himalayas. This, says Barbara, is where all becomes difficult. She may be old-fashioned – no doubt she is – but can she leave her mother alone? No, she cannot. Can she, on the other hand, give up dear Crosbie, who has never loved a girl before, and says that he never will again? No, she cannot.
Barbara weeps. I kiss her. Howard Fitzsimmons selects this moment to walk in with the tea, at which I sit down again in confusion and begin to talk about the Vicarage daffodils being earlier than ours, just as Barbara launches into the verdict in the Podmore Case. We gyrate uneasily in and out of these topics while Howard Fitzsimmons completes his preparations for tea. Atmosphere ruined, and destruction completed by my own necessary enquiries as to Barbara’s wishes in the matter of milk, sugar, bread-and-butter, and so on. (Mem.: Must speak to Cook about sending in minute segment of sponge-cake, remains of one which, to my certain recollection, made its first appearance more than ten days ago. Also, why perpetual and unappetising procession of small rock-cakes?)
Robert comes in, he talks of swine-fever, all further confidences become impossible. Barbara takes her leave immediately after tea, only asking if I could look in on her mother and have a Little Talk? I reluctantly agree to do so, and she mounts her bicycle and rides off. Robert says, That girl holds herself well, but it’s a pity she has those ankles.
April 4th. – Go to see old Mrs Blenkinsop. She is, as usual, swathed in shawls, but has exchanged Lord Beaconsfield for Froude and Carlyle. She says that I am very good to come and see a poor old woman, and that she often wonders how it is that so many of the younger generation seem to find their way to her by instinct. Is it, she suggests, because her heart has somehow kept young, in spite of her grey hair and wrinkles, ha-ha-ha, and so she has always been able to find the Silver Lining, she is thankful to say. I circuitously approach the topic of Barbara. Mrs B. at once says that the young are very hard and selfish. This is natural, perhaps, but it saddens her. Not on her own account – no, no, no – but because she cannot bear to think of what Barbara will have to suffer from remorse when it is Too Late.
Feel a strong inclination to point out that this is not finding the Silver Lining, but refrain. Long monologue from old Mrs B. follows. Main points that emerge are: (a) That Mrs B. has not got very many more years to spend amongst us, (b) that all her life has been given up to others, but that she deserves no credit for this, as it is just the way she is made, (c) that all she wants is to see her Barbara happy, and it matters nothing at all that she herself should be left alone and helpless in her old age, and no one is to give a thought to that for a moment. Finally, that it has never been her way to think of herself or of her own feelings. People have often said to her that they believe she has no self – simply, none at all.
Pause, which I do not attempt to fill, ensues.
We return to Barbara, and Mrs B. says it is very natural that a girl should be wrapped up in her own little concerns. I feel that we are getting no further, and boldly introduce the name of Crosbie Carruthers. Terrific effect on Mrs B., who puts her hand on her heart, leans back, and begins to gasp and turn blue. She is sorry, she pants, to be so foolish, but it is now many nights since she has had any sleep at all, and the strain is beginning to tell. I must forgive her. I hastily do forgive her, and depart.
Very, very unsatisfactory interview.
Am told, on my way home, by Mrs S. of the Cross and Keys, that a gentlemen is staying there who is said to be engaged to Miss Blenkinsop, but the old lady won’t hear of it, and he seems such a nice gentleman too, though perhaps not quite as young as some, and do I think the Himalayas would be All Right if there was a baby coming along? Exchange speculations and comments with Mrs S. for some time before recollecting that the whole thing is supposed to be private, and that in any case gossip is undesirable.
Am met at home by Mademoiselle with intelligent enquiry as to the prospects of Miss Blenkinsop’s immediate marriage, and the attitude adopted by old Mrs B. Le cœur d’une mère, says Mademoiselle sentimentally. Even the infant Vicky suddenly demands if that gentleman at the Cross and Keys is really Miss Blenkinsop’s True Love? At this, Mademoiselle screams, Ah, mon Dieu, ces enfants anglais! and is much upset at impropriety of Vicky’s language.
Even Robert enquires What All This Is, about Barbara Blenkinsop? I explain, and he returns – very, very briefly – that old Mrs Blenkinsop ought to be Shot – which gets us no further, but meets with my entire approval.
April 10th. – Entire parish now seething with the affaire Blenkinsop. Old Mrs B. falls ill, and retires to bed. Barbara bicycles madly up and down between her mother and the garden of the Cross and Keys, where C. C. spends much time reading copies of The Times of India and smoking small cigars. We are all asked by Barbara What she Ought to Do, and all give different advice. Deadlock appears to have been reached, when C. C. suddenly announces that he is summoned to London and must have an answer One Way or the Other immediately.
Old Mrs B. – who has been getting better and taking Port – instantly gets worse again and says that she will not long stand in the way of dear Barbara’s happiness.
Period of fearful stress sets in, an
d Barbara and C. C. say Good-bye in the front sitting-room of the Cross and Keys. They have, says Barbara in tears, parted For Ever, and Life is Over, and will I take the Guides’ Meeting for her to-night – which I agree to do.
April 12th. – Return of Robin for the holidays. He has a cold, and, as usual, is short of handkerchiefs. I write to the Matron about this, but have no slightest hope of receiving either handkerchiefs or rational explanation of their disappearance. Robin mentions that he has invited ‘a boy’ to come and stay for a week. I ask, Is he very nice and a great friend of yours? Oh no, says Robin, he is one of the most unpopular boys in the school. And after a moment he adds, That’s Why. Am touched, and think that this denotes a generous spirit, but am also undeniably rather apprehensive as to possible characteristics of future guest. I repeat the story to Mademoiselle, who – as usual, when I praise Robin – at once remarks Madame, notre petite Vicky n’a pas de défauts – which is neither true nor relevant.
Receive a letter from Mary K. with postscript: Is it true that Barbara Blenkinsop is engaged to be married? and am also asked the same question by Lady B., who looks in on her way to some ducal function on the other side of the county. Have no time in which to enjoy being in the superior position of bestowing information, as Lady B. at once adds that she always advises girls to marry, no matter what the man is like, as any husband is better than none, and there are not nearly enough to go round.
I immediately refer to Rose’s collection of distinguished Feminists, giving her to understand that I know them all well and intimately, and have frequently discussed the subject with them. Lady B. waves her hand – (in elegant white kid, new, not cleaned) – and declares That may be all very well, but if they could have got husbands they wouldn’t be Feminists. I instantly assert that all have had husbands, and some two or three. This may or may not be true, but have seldom known stronger homicidal impulse. Final straw is added when Lady B. amiably observes that I, at least, have nothing to complain of, as she always thinks Robert such a safe, respectable husband for any woman. Give her briefly to understand that Robert is in reality a compound of Don Juan, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr Crippen, but that we do not care to let it be known locally. Cannot say whether she is or is not impressed by this, as she declares herself obliged to go, because ducal function ‘cannot begin without her’. All I can think of is to retort that Duchesses – (of whom, in actual fact, I do not know any) – always remind me of Alice in Wonderland, as do white kid gloves of the White Rabbit. Lady B. replies that I am always so well read, and car moves off leaving her with, as usual, the last word.
Evolve in my own mind merry fantasy in which members of the Royal Family visit the neighbourhood and honour Robert and myself by becoming our guests at luncheon. (Cannot quite fit Howard Fitzs. into this scheme, but gloss over that aspect of the case.) Robert has just been raised to the peerage, and I am, with a slight and gracious inclination of the head, taking precedence of Lady B. at large dinner party, when Vicky comes in to say that the Scissor-Grinder is at the door, and if we haven’t anything to grind, he’ll be pleased to attend to the clocks or rivet any china.
Am disconcerted at finding itinerant gipsy, of particularly low appearance, encamped at back door, with collection of domestic articles strewn all round him and his machine. Still more disconcerted at appearance of Mademoiselle, in fits of loud and regrettable Gallic merriment, bearing extremely unsuitable fragments of bedroom ware in either hand … She, Vicky, and the Scissor-Grinder join in unseemly mirth, and I leave them to it, thankful that at least Lady B. is by now well on her way and cannot descend upon the scene. Am seriously exercised in my mind as to probable standard of humour with which Vicky will grow up.
Look for Robin and eventually find him with the cat, shut up into totally unventilated linen-cupboard, eating cheese which he says he found on the back stairs.
(Undoubtedly, a certain irony can be found in the fact that I have recently been appointed to new Guardians Committee, and am expected to visit Workhouse, etc., with particular reference to children’s quarters, in order that I may offer valuable suggestions on questions of hygiene and general welfare of inmates … Can only hope that fellow-members of the Committee will never be inspired to submit my own domestic arrangements to similar inspection.)
Write letters. Much interrupted by Helen Wills, wanting to be let out, kitten, wanting to be let in, and dear Robin, who climbs all over the furniture, apparently unconscious that he is doing so, and tells me at the same time, loudly and in full, the story of The Swiss Family Robinson.
April 14th. – Cook electrifies me by asking me if I have heard that Miss Barbara Blenkinsop’s engagement is on again, it’s all over the village. The gentleman, she says, came down by the 8.45 last night, and is at the Cross and Keys. As it is exactly 9.15 a.m. when she tells me this, I ask how she knows? Cook merely repeats that It is All Over the Village, and that Miss Barbara will quite as like as not be married by special licence, and old Mrs B. is in such a way as never was. Am disconcerted to find that Cook and I have been talking our heads off for the better part of forty minutes before I remember that gossip is both undignified and undesirable.
Just as I am putting on my hat to go down to the Blenkinsops’ Our Vicar’s Wife rushes in. All is true, she says, and more. Crosbie Carruthers, in altogether desperate state, has threatened suicide, and written terrific farewell letter to Barbara, who has cried herself – as Our Vicar’s Wife rather strangely expresses it – to the merest pulp, and begged him to Come At Once. A Blenkinsop Family Council has been summoned – old Mrs B. has had Attacks – (nobody quite knows what of) – but has finally been persuaded to reconsider entire problem. Our Vicar has been called in to give impartial advice and consolation to all parties. He is there now. Surely, I urge, he will use all his influence on behalf of C. C. and Barbara? Our Vicar’s Wife, agitated, says Yes, Yes – he is all in favour of young folk living their own lives, whilst at the same time he feels that a mother’s claims are sacred, and although he realises the full beauty of self-sacrifice, yet on the other hand no one knows better than he does that the devotion of a Good Man is not to be lightly relinquished.
Feel that if this is to be Our Vicar’s only contribution towards the solution of the problem, he might just as well have stayed at home – but naturally do not impart this opinion to his wife. We decide to walk down to the village, and do so. The gardener stops me on the way, and says he thought I might like to know that Miss Barbara’s young gentleman has turned up again, and wants to marry her before he sails next month, and old Mrs Blenkinsop is taking on so, they think she’ll have a stroke.
Similar information also reaches us from six different quarters in the village. No less than three motor-cars and two bicycles are to be seen outside old Mrs B.’s cottage, but no one emerges, and I am obliged to suggest that Our Vicar’s Wife should come home with me to lunch. This she does, after many demurs, and gets cottage-pie – (too much onion) – rice-shape, and stewed prunes. Should have sent to the farm for cream, if I had known.
April 15th. – Old Mrs Blenkinsop reported to have Come Round. Elderly unmarried female Blenkinsop, referred to as Cousin Maud, has suddenly materialised, and offered to live with her – Our Vicar has come out boldly in support of this scheme – and Crosbie Carruthers has given Barbara engagement ring with three stones, said to be rare Indian Topazes, and has gone up to town to Make Arrangements. Immediate announcement in the Morning Post expected.
April 18th. – Receive visit from Barbara, who begs that I will escort her to London for quiet and immediate wedding. Am obliged to refuse, owing to bad colds of Robin and Vicky, general instability of domestic staff, and customary unsatisfactory financial situation. Offer then passed on to Our Vicar’s Wife, who at once accepts it. I undertake, however, at Barbara’s urgent request, to look in as often as possible on her mother. Will I, adds Barbara, make it clear that she is not losing a Daughter, but only gaining a Son, and two years will soon be over, and at the end of that
time dear Crosbie will bring her home to England. I recklessly commit myself to doing anything and everything, and write to the Army and Navy Stores for a luncheon basket, to give as wedding-present to Barbara. The Girl Guides present her with a sugar-castor and a waste-paper basket embossed with raffia flowers. Lady B. sends a chafing-dish with a card bearing illegible and far-fetched joke connected with Indian curries. We all agree that this is not in the least amusing. Mademoiselle causes Vicky to present Barbara with small tray-cloth, on which two hearts are worked in cross-stitch.
April 19th. – Both children simultaneously develop incredibly low complaint known as ‘pink-eye’ that everyone unites in telling me is peculiar to the more saliently neglected and underfed section of the juvenile population in the East End of London.
Vicky has a high temperature and is put to bed, while Robin remains on his feet, but is not allowed out of doors until present cold winds are over. I leave Vicky to Mademoiselle and Les Mémoires d’un Ane in the night-nursery, and undertake to amuse Robin downstairs. He says that he has a Splendid Idea. This turns out to be that I should play the piano, whilst he simultaneously sets off the gramophone, the musical-box, and the chiming clock.
I protest.
Robin implores, and says It will be just like an Orchestra. (Shade of Dame Ethel Smyth, whose Reminiscences I have just been reading!) I weakly yield, and attack, con spirito, ‘The Broadway Melody’ in the key of C Major. Robin, in great excitement, starts the clock, puts ‘Mucking About the Garden’ on the gramophone, and winds up the musical-box, which tinkles out the Waltz from Florodora in a tinny sort of way, and no recognisable key. Robin springs about and cheers. I watch him sympathetically and keep down, at his request, the loud pedal.
The Diary of a Provincial Lady Page 8