“I want you, too,” he said, his deep voice vibrating against the hard bone of her sternum.
“Then don’t make me wait any longer.”
Alex’s mouth found hers again as his hands tugged at her shorts. They frantically shifted around on the bed until they were both free of the last restricting garments and he had quickly sheathed himself in the latex he relied so heavily upon.
Gwen leaned forward, then eased back, taking every inch of him inside her at an excruciatingly slow pace. With his arms still wrapped around her waist, she started rocking against him in a leisurely and easy rhythm that could go on for hours, both torturing and tempting their bodies with one wave of sensation after another.
But Alex couldn’t take that for long. After a few slow, even strokes, he growled against her throat and lunged forward. Gwen was flipped onto her back, a gasp of surprise slipping from her lips. Hovering over her, he thrust into her without hesitation.
Their lovemaking was raw and intense, their bodies meeting at a fast and furious pace. Gwen let herself give in to the pleasure, indulging in the only part of Alex she would ever truly have. When their cries mingled in the air, she clung to him, part of her never wanting to let go and part of her knowing she already had.
* * *
Thoroughly exhausted, Alex fell asleep with Gwen curled against him. He woke up a few hours later, the world still dark outside his window. He was glad. He wasn’t ready for the night to end quite yet. Tomorrow was the Fourth of July. He had no doubt the day would be jam-packed with grilling and sunshine, the night colored with red, white and blue explosions lighting the sky.
And then it would be over. Their last night at the house before returning to the city. No matter what he’d told Gwen, Alex didn’t want any of this to be over quite yet.
Even if he broke his own rules and they carried on their relationship in Manhattan, things would be different. There would be work and responsibilities, not to mention the complications of the last few months of her pregnancy. This moment in time could never be duplicated. He wanted to savor it.
Alex let his hand glide from Gwen’s bare hip down to splay his fingers across the soft skin of her belly. Feeling the baby kick the other day had been a surreal experience for him. A moment he’d never quite thought he’d have. He’d been filled with surprise and awe and respect for the woman in his arms. She was sacrificing so much for someone else.
He couldn’t imagine what the next few months would be like for her. Although she put up a brave front, it was going to be harder than she’d originally anticipated. Alex saw the way she talked to the baby and lovingly stroked her stomach. Giving birth and handing that little girl away would be devastating. Part of him wanted to be the shoulder she cried on. To be there for her. It was a frightening thought. He’d never been the person that anyone depended on for emotional support. If money or humor couldn’t defuse the situation, he was out of it.
But after spending the last few days with Gwen, he wanted to try. For her. The same part of him wanted to confide his secrets to her, share his dreams with her and start a life with her. The quiet voice in his head that wanted that baby to be theirs had grown louder with every day he spent here.
That same voice was screaming that it was tired of being an island. This baby wasn’t theirs, but the next could be. They could have everything he had always been too afraid to hope for. If he could just let himself trust his heart over his brain for once.
Alex was so confused by the thoughts and feelings swirling around in his gut. Gwen had been right when she’d accused him of taking a step back out of fear. It seemed easier than dealing with how he felt about her. Love and everything that came with it was a scary proposition. But so was losing Gwen. He couldn’t imagine not having her in his arms every night just as she was right now.
Just then, a hard thump pounded against his palm. He jumped, startled, and noticed Gwen did, too.
“Sorry,” she murmured sleepily against her pillow. “Peanut is a bit of a night owl. Robert and Susan may never get another full night of sleep again once this little one shows up.”
Alex stroked her belly to soothe both Gwen and the baby. He snuggled up against her and placed a kiss just behind her earlobe. The words he wanted to say lingered in his mouth for a moment before he had the nerve to speak. “What are you going to do, Gwen?”
He felt her stiffen slightly in his arms, and he tugged her closer to keep her from pulling away. If she was going to force him to face his fears, he was going to do the same. She was heading for a heartbreak that had nothing to do with him, for once.
“What do you mean?” she asked, her words still muffled against the pillow, although she was now fully awake.
“A couple months from now when you have to give her away,” he clarified. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to watch the joy on Robert’s and Susan’s faces when they hold their little girl for the first time and know I did something wonderful for them. Then I’m going to check out of the hospital, catch a cab to the bar up the block from my apartment and have the tallest, coldest beer I can get my hands on.”
“Gwen.” The word was a question, a nudge, a warning and a touch of encouragement all rolled into one. They both knew that was not what he was asking or, even if it was, that her answer was just as scripted as his own had been earlier.
She sighed heavily, and there was a long silence before she finally answered. “What do you expect me to say? That it’s going to break my heart to give Peanut away even though she’s not mine to keep? That I’m going to cry alone in my hospital bed while everyone else is celebrating outside the nursery? That every time I pass a woman with a stroller I’m going to be reminded about how Robert and Susan have a beautiful life and family together and I’ve got nothing?”
Her words were like a knife to his gut, catching him off guard with the sharp pain. This was going to be rougher on her than he even imagined. He supposed there was nothing quite like giving away something you never had to remind you of that fact. Now he was sorry he’d asked. “Something like that.”
“None of that really matters. I knew what I was signing up for with this. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. I will have made a huge difference in someone else’s life, and that has to be enough for me. When it’s all said and done, I’ll just go back to living my life the way I did before all of this happened—alone.”
There was a sadness and resignation in her voice that he didn’t like. They’d never discussed the possibility of being together past their stay in the Hamptons, but she sounded as though she knew he would be long gone by then. That when she handed over that baby to its parents, she would be handing away the only person in her life who loved and cared for her as much as she did for them.
It broke Alex’s heart to hear her talk that way. In that moment, he wanted so badly to let himself love her. It would be so easy to do. If he was honest with himself, his heart was already halfway there. But he just couldn’t commit to the last few steps. He couldn’t open himself up to a fantasy that would crumble the moment he needed it the most.
“Maybe not completely alone,” he offered. That was all he could do.
“Don’t,” she whispered, her voice heavy with tears he couldn’t see. “Don’t say things to make me feel better when you know it really isn’t true. Lying here in the dark, I’m sure it sounds like the right thing to say. That it feels true in the moment. But you and I both know the truth when the light of day shines on it.”
“I want—” he began, but stopped when Gwen rolled onto her back and held her finger to his lips.
“Just don’t,” she said. “Just go back to sleep before you say something we’ll both regret.”
* * *
Although she’d told him to sleep, Gwen couldn’t do so herself. She’d spent the last few hours listening to Alex’s soft, even breathing, but despite her exhaustion, her mind was spinning too quickly to sleep. Her last conversation with Alex half felt li
ke a dream. The soft whispers and painful words felt fuzzy and surreal, but she knew she hadn’t imagined them. Nor had she imagined Alex’s suggestion that he might be there for her.
She hadn’t let him promise. As much as she wanted it to be true, Gwen knew it never could be. She could see Alex struggling with taking the first steps to something more, but staying with her went against everything he knew. It was doomed to fail, even if his heart was in the right place. He couldn’t help who he was. But she couldn’t allow herself to fall for another man destined to leave.
It was one thing when that was what she wanted. Her whole life she’d sought out the wandering types. The more unobtainable, the more emotionally distant, the better.
She wasn’t an expert in psychoanalysis, but she’d taken a few classes in college. It didn’t take a PhD to see she had issues because of her mother and her pathetic, all-encompassing need to have a man. Gwen didn’t want to be anything like her, so she picked men she knew wouldn’t stay around, and it was easier when they inevitably left.
In that regard, Alex was the perfect man for her. And the worst if she truly wanted to break out of these bad habits and have a real chance at love and family.
Gwen rolled over in another failed attempt to get comfortable and tried to think about all the men she’d dated since high school. Had she ever loved any of them? No. She might’ve thought so or told people she did. But she held so much of herself back that it really wasn’t possible to be truly, deeply in love with any of them. And if she was honest, she’d never felt half as much for any man as she did for Alex.
He took care of her because he knew how much she gave to others. He pestered her until she would smile. He knew just how to touch her and when, to get just the reaction they both wanted and needed. Alex understood Gwen in a way few people did. He’d gotten to her, scaled her protective walls and reached the heart she kept hidden.
She was in love with him. Damn it.
She expected a giddy rush of emotion at the realization, but it didn’t come and she knew why. She’d gone out and done the one thing she knew she shouldn’t do. What everyone, including Alex, told her not to do. It had taken her months to finally decide what she wanted in her life—a family and Alex. But those two things were mutually exclusive. She could never have Alex and a family. But for some reason she’d let him in, and what was done, was done.
Gwen loved Alex.
And he, despite his protests, felt something for her. She knew it. She could feel it in his hesitation. If he didn’t care about her, he wouldn’t have walked away tonight. But in her heart, she knew that regardless of how he felt, their relationship was doomed. How could she be the one to tame Alex when so many others had failed?
She wouldn’t. She’d just get hurt. Dating guys who didn’t stick around was one thing. Loving the guy was another matter. She’d taken a break from her merry-go-round of self-destructive relationships only to find herself in deeper than she’d ever been before.
When the first glow of daylight began to creep into his room, she sat up in bed. Alex was still soundly sleeping beside her. She realized, looking at him, that she’d never really seen him asleep before. He always woke up before she did.
A lock of dark golden hair lay across one of his eyes. The cocky, suave persona was put away while he slept. His face was relaxed, peaceful…vulnerable. That was certainly a new expression for him. While he occasionally appeared concerned or serious, she’d never once seen his guard down like this. There were flashes of it when he’d looked at her that first night and realized he’d forgotten the condom. But it had vanished in an instant.
Part of her wanted to reach out and stroke the line of his jaw and the curves of his lips, but that would wake him up and ruin it. Instead, she lay there for a few more minutes, committing that face to memory before she got up.
Finally, she slipped out of bed and collected her clothes, pulling them on and heading to her own room. Gwen paused in the doorway as she left, looking back one last time at Alex asleep in his bed. She’d meant only to go downstairs, but a part of her knew she was walking away from more than just Alex’s bedroom.
With a sigh, she whispered, “Goodbye, Alex,” and pulled the door shut behind her.
Ten
Gwen had nearly reached the bottom of the stairs when a bit of movement caught her eye.
Startled, she turned and found Sabine in the living room. She was wearing tight yellow workout clothes and poised on one foot on a squishy blue mat. Her arms were over her head, and the other knee was bent out to the side, the sole of her foot pressing into her thigh. She looked like some kind of neon-yellow flamingo.
“Good morning,” Sabine said without stumbling from her one-legged pose.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Gwen said sheepishly. She hadn’t expected to see anyone on her way back to her room. Especially not at this hour of morning.
“You’re not.” Sabine smiled and brought her foot back to the floor. “I’ve been lazy about my yoga while I’ve been here, and I’m paying for it. I decided to get up before everyone to stretch. My next class back I’ll be stiff as a board, and all my students will laugh at me.”
Gwen paused at the bottom of the staircase. “You teach yoga? I thought you worked in Adrienne’s boutique.”
Sabine nodded and knelt down onto her mat. “The yoga is a part-time thing. I teach a couple evening classes and a prenatal one on Saturday mornings.” She gestured toward Gwen. “You should come. When I was pregnant, my doctor recommended a prenatal yoga class, and after it, I felt good for the first time in months. After I had my son, I stuck with it, and it really helped me get back into shape.”
“I’d love to give that a try. Not only to get in shape, but to help me fill some of the hours. After.” When she was alone again.
Sabine nodded sympathetically. “You’re doing a wonderful thing, you know? I shouldn’t have said what I did the other day about how I could never do something like that. It was thoughtless of me, considering how hard it must be for you and you’re doing it anyway.”
Gwen shook her head dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It is more difficult than I expected and certainly not something just anyone could do. But it will be worth it.”
“Right.” Sabine smiled and her purple-striped ponytail swung behind her. “Would you like to try some stretches now?”
Sabine reached into her duffel bag and pulled out a second mat, this one a bright pink. She rolled it out beside her and patted it in invitation. “Just a couple for you to do at home until you can get to a class.”
Gwen climbed onto the mat and worked through a set of poses with Sabine that not only made the pain in her back disappear, but stretched out all her other stiff muscles and brought a touch of sweat to her brow. When they were done, she sat back on her heels to do some deep breathing. Going through the motions had cleared her head remarkably. She never imagined something like that could help her think, but if stress and pain were clouding her thoughts, it made perfect sense.
“Can I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure,” Sabine said. “I don’t have many secrets.”
Gwen was a bit ashamed to ask, but she needed someone to talk to about Alex, someone with some distance. She got the feeling that Sabine had some experience where doomed relationships were concerned. “What happened with your son’s father?”
“We were just wrong for each other. Attraction trumped all that at first, but it didn’t take long to realize it wasn’t going to work between us. He was rich, I was poor. He was preoccupied with running his business. I just wanted to enjoy life. It almost killed me, but I broke it off after only a few weeks. I knew it would only get worse the longer I waited. It wasn’t until much later that I realized I was already pregnant with his child.”
“He didn’t want the baby?”
Sabine frowned. “Oh, I’m sure he’d want the baby. That’s why I never told him.” She shook her head sadly. “I know it sounds like a horrible thing to do.
But when I said he was a rich businessman, I also meant powerful, arrogant and controlling. I didn’t want Jared to be a pawn in his empire. I refused to give Gavin the opportunity to sue me for full custody just so my son could be raised by nannies and go to boarding school. Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve gone this long without him showing up at my doorstep demanding his son.”
Gwen couldn’t help but shake her head in wonder. It seemed like everyone had their own messes in life to clean up. “That must be stressful, knowing at any time that he could find out.”
“You have no idea. But I know leaving was the right choice, so I try to focus on living my life. I’m raising Jared the best I can and making sure he feels loved and wanted. He shouldn’t have to suffer because I’m a failure at relationships.”
Sabine climbed to her feet and held out a hand to help Gwen up. “Love can be wonderful, but it can also be destructive. I loved Gavin. It was a fierce, passionate romance, but I loved myself too much to lose who I was to him. I couldn’t sit around and wait for him to crush my spirit.”
“You did the right thing,” Gwen said.
“Yes. It’s important not to settle,” Sabine agreed. “Remember that.”
Gwen nodded. It was solid advice, but it sent her mind spinning with what it meant for her after her latest revelation about loving Alex. “Thank you for the advice. And the yoga.”
Sabine smiled and waved it off as Gwen disappeared toward her room. Although she eyed the bed when she shut the door, the yoga had invigorated her, and she opted for a hot shower instead.
Gwen felt ashamed for misjudging Sabine that first day. She should know better than to label someone because of their appearance. Perhaps she’d make a point to call her for lunch one day after Peanut was born. It could be one of her steps toward making some real friends and having a life outside work. And she would definitely look into that yoga class. Those poses had worked wonders on her body.
Maybe in time it would also help her with peace of mind. A little meditation and removal of brain clutter couldn’t hurt, at least. The hot water of the shower helped her body relax, but her mind was still spinning a hundred miles an hour from their conversation. She wished she could hook a vacuum to her ear and suck out all the negative thoughts.
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