He tried to put an arm around her but she pushed him away, moving as far to the edge of the bed as she could. The scratches from her nails were deep and red all over his body. “I'm sorry, Rolanda, I should have stopped.”
She sat up in bed and pulled her knees to her chest, hugging her entire body, the comforter wrapped around her. “Gideon, I think something's broken inside of me.”
He hugged her close. She let him, leaning her head against the crook of his neck. “Don't worry, Rolanda. It'll just take time to be yourself again.”
“What if I never am? What if I always have these,” she paused as though she could snatch the word she was looking for out of thin air, “these little spiders crawling around inside my brain?” Clutching at her head she let out a fresh wave of sobs. “You don't deserve this, go out and lay with Leanin, I know you both want to. I can see it, the only thing stopping you from happiness is me.” She pulled away from him and buried herself in the covers, hiding her face.
Gideon's jaw went slack. There was no denying that there had been certain temptations, dirty little stray nighttime thoughts, but that's all they were. Leanin was certainly good to look at, good to be around, but no, there was nothing there. He was sure of it. “Rolanda, no. Leanin and I are becoming good friends, we've been through a lot together, but that's all that we are and that's all that we ever will be. You don't have to worry about us like that, it's just your mind working itself against you. You said it yourself, you sometimes don't know exactly what's real, right?”
Rolanda peeked an eye out from under the covers, rimmed with tears and blood-shot red. “Sometimes I wonder. There are looks between you two.”
Gideon laughed and pulled her out from under the covers, placing his arms around her. “Listen to yourself Rolanda. You're talking about love, an extreme feeling, and you're basing that assumption on a few looks? Little glances? How can you be so sure when you're not even sure if all the things you see in the daytime are real?”
After a moment Rolanda nodded. “I didn't think that this was one of them.”
Gideon brushed away her tears with his thumb and stroked a hair out of her face, kissing her forehead and her cheeks. “You're so sweet and innocent. Rather than trying to read my heart from my eyes, why don't you just trust me when I tell you that I don't have any feelings for Leanin, that my heart belongs to you utterly and completely?”
They lay back down together, Rolanda in the crook of Gideon's shoulder, her tears drying. Soon she was fast asleep, but Gideon lay awake long into the night staring up into the pitch black ceiling, his face slack, his eyes far away.
Chapter Fourteen
Rolanda woke him in the morning by kissing him softly on the cheek. She was fully dressed in the same beige brown woolen clothes that Harold and Rheannon wore. Smiling largely, she kissed the corner of his eyes, his cheek, his ear. He groaned and turned over, pulling the covers with him.
“No, Gideon, it's time to wake up. Harold wants some help with the chores,” Rolanda said, placing her hands down on his lower back.
Gideon jerked away from her. “Abraham you're cold!”
She jumped on top of him, her long golden hair falling all around him, enveloping him. The sweet smell of bacon frying wafted through the open door as he yawned his way awake.
“They're letting us sleep in their house and feeding us, the least we can do is wake up and help them with a few chores,” she said.
Gideon sat up and threw on a shirt, wiping the crust of sleep from his eyes and following Rolanda up into the main room of the house. The smell of bacon grew stronger as he approached. Harold and Rheannon were frying thick slabs of it on an iron plate over the fire, the bacon popping and sizzling in its own juices. Leanin was setting out the dishes on the table.
“Good morning to you,” Harold said. “How did you sleep last night?”
“I haven't slept like that in ages,” Rolanda said with a smile. The wrinkles and bags under her eyes had faded, her face had a nice flush to it, it really did look like the sleep had done her well. She caught Gideon staring openly at her and gave him a wink.
“It's the air, most like,” Rheannon said. “I remember when we first started staying here, it was almost dizzying there was so much real oxygen. I wasn't used to it.”
Harold set a big frying pan down in the middle of the table, there were heaps of fried potatoes and bacon, and a small bowl of hard boiled eggs set next to them. He spooned great gobs of it all on everyone's plates.
“The bacon is from Beamer's place down the road. There are a few families in the area that have pigs, we don't cotton much to the smell so we just trade for them. Of course Lily, Beamer's wife, would probably say the same thing about goats and chickens, so to each his own.”
Harold and Rheannon laughed and held hands while they ate. Gideon had his mouth too full to join in the conversation, the thickly cut bacon was so salty and sweet he savored each bite.
For as healthy as Rolanda looked after a good night's sleep, Leanin looked the exact opposite. Her hair was in tangles and there were bags under her bloodshot and squinting eyes. She pushed the food around her plate, only a fraction of what she touched ended up in her mouth.
“So,” Harold said, “was it nice being able to share a bed together again? It's a good mattress, Rhea and I have tried it out more than once.”
Leanin's face paled further and she put a slice of bacon in her mouth, chewing slowly. Rheannon swatted at Harold's arm. “Harold! That isn't anyone's business but theirs. Next thing you know you'll be asking them for tips and positions.”
He put an arm around Rheannon and kissed her on the forehead. “Rhea's not normally so repressed about sex. I can take a hint though, I was just trying to be friendly is all. We hardly know anything about our guests.”
Rhea turned a deep shade of red. “Bedroom habits are not the place to start, Harold. How about we start with, where are you guys coming from, where are you going? Questions like that.”
“Well,” Harold said and then parroted Rheannon's voice. “Where are you coming from?”
Gideon took a moment to swallow the large bit of bacon he was chewing. “Oh, a ways away.”
“And where are you going?” Harold asked before turning to Rheannon. “See? These are terrible questions, you don't get to know people at all with them.”
Rolanda covered Gideon's hand with her own. Her eyes were large and watery, somber. “I don't know that we do know where we're going, but we do have a few things that we need to get away from.”
Rheannon's eyebrows raised. “What do you have to get away from?” she asked.
The room got quiet as Rolanda opened her mouth, blushed, and then closed it. Gideon didn't really know how to answer that question either, he stirred at the potatoes on his plate, the voracious hunger he had felt moments before dissipating.
Harold cleared his throat loudly, breaking the silence. “Rhea, I don't think it's a topic they want to talk about.” He stood and grabbed plates to take away, filling a pail to take down to the lake with the dirty dishes. “There's not many that travel through here, it's been years since the last one, we don't always keep up to date with our social graces, my apologies if we've made you feel uncomfortable. I'm a good judge of character, always have been, and I can tell you ain't bad seeds. I won't press the point, but I will tell you that Rhea's suggestion last night was a good one. If you're looking for a place to start a new life, you could do far worse than Meadowood. The place ain't on any maps I've seen, and we're all a pretty tight-nit community.” Harold met eyes with Rheannon, they seemed to have a quick conversation without ever opening their mouths.
She turned to them after a moment. “We had the favor done for us, we'd be happy to let you guys set up shop here while you build a place for your own,
I think you'd find more than a few hands willing to help you out along the way, too.”
Gideon looked between Rolanda and Leanin. Rolanda was positively beaming, her smile wide as she squeezed his hand. Leanin's face was more difficult to decipher, she was still pale, as though the potatoes had taken a turn for the worse in her stomach. “I think it's something we'll definitely have to consider. For now, though, let's worry about these chores that Rolanda woke me up so early to help out with.”
Harold grinned at them with a twinkle in his eye. “It's a rather light day, I think I have a nice little project for us boys to take care of.”
...
If he stayed very still, lying prostrate on the feather stuffed mattress, the pain lessened somewhat. If only his heart would stop beating the throbbing waves of agony would stop pumping through him. Every part of his body hurt, from his fingertips to his hair follicles. He had always had a hard time believing in God, but today he believed in the devil, and that devil's name was 'chores.'
Rolanda sat beside him on the bed and began to rub his shoulders, eliciting another groan. “It can't have been that bad, it was just cutting down a few trees for firewood, wasn't it?”
Gideon moved his head in her direction, unwilling or unable to move any other muscle. “Not just a few trees. That sadistic son of a bitch seemed to want all the trees. We cut and hauled so much wood...I don't even want to think about it any more. I just want to lie here and die. Can you help me with that? Just take a pillow and press it against my face. Hold it there until I stop being in pain.”
Harold popped into the room, shirtless, with sweat dripping down his chest hair. He was drying himself off with a towel and his face was wide with a smile. “Quite the workout, wasn't it? Thanks for your help with the wood, we needed to get stocked up before winter comes.”
Gideon waved him away out of the room and Rolanda continued to massage his shoulders. Her little hands displayed a surprising amount of strength as she kneaded his sore limbs. The tips of her hair tickled as it ran along his skin. She stopped moving her hands and he opened his eyes.
“Are you okay?” Gideon asked, sitting up. Her eyes were squinted, her mouth pursed, but her hands still touched him, never leaving his skin.
They made eye contact and she gave him a small smile. “I just think that this place could be very good for you and me. There's nothing left at home for either of us.”
“What are you saying?” Gideon asked. He was glad that she hadn't moved her hands from his body. Her touch, even in a non-sexual way, was calming, peaceful.
“I still have a lot of work to do,” Rolanda said. “Things still fade in and out, but being here, in such a kind and caring environment, I think it could be very good for both of us. I love you, Gideon.”
He allowed the possibility of the life to unfold in his mind. They would both have to work very hard, Harold could teach him to grow crops and raise animals, he could build them a house. They could cook and eat what they provided for themselves, passing evenings watching their future children play out in the woods while they sat on chairs with Harold and Rheannon drinking honey beer. They could put this whole ugly episode behind them. There were certainly worse ways to spend a life. “I love you too, Rolanda.”
She leaned over and their soft lips met, she tasted of flowers and sweet blackberries. Time slowed for them as Gideon brushed his fingertips through her silky hair, resting them upon the back of her neck.
A choking sound came from behind them and they turned, but the doorway was empty. Rolanda shrugged. “Must have been the wind.” She lay down next to him, her head in the crook of his arm, and they held hands, neither of them saying or doing anything.
After a few minutes Harold came into their room. His face was somber, his eyes crinkled at the edges. He twisted the towel he had been cleaning himself with into knots in his hands. “Sorry to bother you guys, I know you probably haven't had much time to be alone. I think something's wrong with your friend. She looked pretty upset a few minutes ago, we couldn't really get out of her what had happened, but she went storming off into the forest.”
Rolanda turned to Gideon, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Gideon, you know her better than any of us, do you know what's wrong with Leanin?”
He kept unblinking eye contact with her, his mouth set in a frown. “I have no clue what could be wrong with her. I'll see if I can't find out though.”
Rheannon gave him a flashlight and a little wooden whistle for if he should get lost and it got too dark. Gideon set off into the woods to try and find Leanin, leaving the others behind. “Hurry back now,” Harold called after him, “we'll have dinner ready in about an hour.”
Even for a man with no tracking skills, Leanin had left him a trail he could follow. There were twigs broken in a line and bootprints gouged out in the dirt. Gideon followed, he didn't need the flashlight at first but the sun set quickly, and soon he was hunched over with the lantern at the ground to see where the trail went. When he finally caught up with her she was sitting in an opening in the trees, a little grassy knoll with a boulder at the base of a hill. She was sitting on top of the rock, her legs crossed in a pretzel under her.
“I knew you'd come for me,” Leanin said. She smiled, though her eyes were cold and hard as they ever were. “You need everyone to be okay, you can't make a choice to save your life.”
“Harold said you were distraught.”
Leanin waved her hand as though she were brushing away a fly. “This was the only way I could get you alone. I saw you and Rolanda.”
Gideon felt the blood rush to his face and he clenched his jaw. “What of it? We are engaged to be married.”
Leanin stared at him long and hard, her eyelids lowered, her teeth almost bared. Gideon looked away. “Rolanda wants you to stay here,” she said.
He ground his teeth together. The moon was beginning to rise, casting a shadow from Leanin and the boulder she sat on. The grass looked grey in the low light. “Yes, that's true. And I think that we could all have a good life here.”
She turned her head to the side, the moonlight highlighting her sharp profile. “There it is again, trying to be everything to everyone. Can't you see? There's no room for me here. What am I going to do, make a cabin alone and become a hermit while you and Rolanda fuck and make a family? Or is it something else you had in mind? A harem maybe? Keep us both at your beck and call, play us against each other? Manipulate us? One big happy, fucking, family?”
Gideon swallowed hard. His insides were beginning to tie themselves in knots. “It wouldn't have to be like that. It could be very quiet and peaceful here.”
Leanin stood, her shadow cutting into the night sky. “Peace can be a real killer, Gideon. When we got my sister back it was quiet and peaceful. Sure, my dad began saying, in a real quiet and peaceful way, that Jenny was broken, Jenny was damaged goods, Jenny was tainted. And you know what? My mom stayed quiet the whole time, never spoke out against him, just to keep the peace. I hated her for that; peace can be the death of a person.”
He spread his arms wide. “What do you want me to say, Leanin? I'm engaged to Rolanda.”
She leaped down from the boulder and stood inches from him. He could smell cinnamon on her breath and lavender wafting from her hair, her lips were slightly parted and full. “Tell me there's no amount of electricity you feel every time we're close to each other.” She stepped forward and placed her palm upon his chest. “I can feel how fast your heart is beating. Lie to me, tell me that you'd be perfectly happy here and never wonder about what might have been between us.”
The smell was overpowering him. He wanted to touch her neck, to kiss her collarbone, to breathe in the scent of her hair. Swallowing hard he tried to ignore the tightness in his pants. “I choose Rolanda. I choose peace.”
Leanin licked at her lips and then was still a moment before breaking out into a large smile. “Oh, come on. You look like you're terrified you broke me or something. I'm a big girl, I can take a bit of rejection.” She took one of his hands in hers, her palm was rough with scars. “I do think it's a shame, a waste of a perfectly good life, but you chose Rolanda, and I can respect that. Not everybody gets to be happy.” She took his face in her hands. “I just want one kiss, that's all.”
They kissed, and Gideon felt a small explosion of emotion in his stomach that ran through his fingers and his toes, leaving them tingling. He felt electric and filled with life. He clutched at her, feeling her hard body pressed against his, not wanting to ever let go.
There was no conscious thought of what happened next. Their clothes came off and they fell to the ground, writhing on the cool grass. He buried his face in her pert breasts as she rode him, he grabbed and sucked at her nipples until they were rock hard and she let out little gasps and moans. Every time he slid out of her was agony but it was followed by the ecstasy of thrusting back into her. When he came the orgasm was so powerful it made him shudder and he filled her with himself as darkness crept in around his vision. He collapsed on the cool ground and Leanin lay next to him.
The rushing sound in his ears slowly receded and he looked up over the treetops out into the clear night sky where the first glimmer of stars were beginning to shine. “We shouldn't have done that,” he said.
Leanin gave him a small smile and pulled up her pants. “You shouldn't have done that, Gideon. I have no qualms about it.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “You should ask yourself if you regret it.” She left him in the glade to get dressed. He buttoned his pants and hurried after her.
...
Harold and Rheannon were waiting in the kitchen when they got back to the house. Reheated bread and stew sat on the table in four places, the fifth vacant. Their faces were strained; Rheannon had wrinkles at the corner of her pursed lips. She stood when they entered.
The Woman They Kept Page 15